Emotionally unavailable mates

[geegee81]

I’ve been online reading about dysfunctional relationships. And I’ve come across a term called emotionally unavailable. This seems to describe my ex a lot. But on every website there is a different symptom. How would you describe an emotionally unavailable mate? Have you ever dealt with this type of person?

 

 

My ex, I thought he was just extremely shy and introverted, and not a lot of friends. I carried most of the conversations and asked all the questions. He didn’t talk much, and gave few details, like yes, and no. He’s 31 and didn’t have much relationship experience so I thought that maybe he would mature. He had his first relationship at 29 and lost his virginity at 29.

 

 

 

He was extremely critical of me and I tried hard not to joke and offend him. He never said anything good about me, never a compliment…never told me I was smart or pretty. He couldn’t tell me what he liked about me. He never ever smiled when he was with me.. I’ve never heard him laugh. We could never work out our problems because he avoided conflict and would hang the phone up. He become angry fast, and always thought in a negative manner. He told me that I needed to change my personality to become humble and keep him. I’ve been the same person for years, so he knew my personality…why did he choose to date me if he didn’t like me?? He would blame me for everything, but wouldn't take any responsibility.

 

 

 

I just thought that he was shy. I thought that he would open up if I showed him love. But now that I’m reading and learning, maybe he is incapable of having a relationship that is healthy.

[pinkie]

Sounds a lot like my ex... He was soooo controlling. We did have some good laughs together though. However, I could not break the 10 foot wide walls he had up that were made of steel.

 

Most everything you mention, the negativity, antisocial, critical, judgmental, all that and more has led me to believe that he is a commitmentphobe. I've read just about everything trying to figure out who this person was and everything that I've read fits him to a T.

 

The emotional abuse, mood swings, ocd, adhd... I think his mother said he was bipolar... everybody says this anymore... so I'm not sure. He's never been married, no children and he's in his 50's.

 

I just had to get out. I'm still reading up on these characteristics, hopefully so that I don't fall for someone else like this. In fact, I'm remaining single for a very long time.

[sambo77]

Hey geegee,

 

Seems we're both cruising the LS today. Well, I'll let you in on a secret, I'm actually a psychology Professor (for all the good it's done me?)...and my "thing" is supposed to be human emotion. Now that doesn't qualify me to answer this any better than the next person...I don't have a good handle on my emotional self...but I'll answer your question with my work hat on.

 

I'd say emotionally unavailable should be defined as exactly that...their emotions are "unavailable." For the most part, emotions are an awesome way for us to communicate to ourselves and others how we are feeling. They are a useful tool in helping us and others know how we feel about stuff. Healthy young kids are a great case in point...when they're sad, they cry. When they're angry, they show it. We can read them so well cos they give us huge help...using their emotional selves fully.

 

Sadly, as life goes on some of us are taught that our emotions are inappropriate, something to fear, or something that isn't welcome. Maybe expression of our emotions is an inconvenience or distress to our parents...so they subdue or condemn them. Maybe we are made to feel unloved if we express negative emotions (you got angry...you're bad, you cry....you're weak). There are many ways that emotional expression is coached out of us.

 

My ex was exactly like this. She showed very little emotion at all. Her anger was suppressed, not expressed. Her pain and anxieties too. It was like she feared showing the world how she felt about stuff...including me. That caused problems (a) she never showed me how she truly felt and therefore bottled things up and silently resented or passively punished, and (b) she simply couldn't get it or handle it when I did express myself...she found it alien and uncomfortable.

 

Ultimately, going back to my child example...she was a long way from that healthy model of emotional expression. I had no idea what she felt. She had no ability or intention of telling me. She built up heaps of needless resentment because she kept everything inside. And she could not respond to my own emotional needs because she had never had anyone give a cr&p about hers...and had no model of that to go on. It doesn't make you a good person never to get angry! It doesn't make you weak never to cry! It doesn't make you bad if you sometimes cause negative emotional responses in others! It makes you human...mature humans can communicate about such emotions and use them to move forward in a relationship...I'd argue they may even have evolved for that purpose.

[salparadise]

Sadly, as life goes on some of us are taught that our emotions are inappropriate, something to fear, or something that isn't welcome. Maybe expression of our emotions is an inconvenience or distress to our parents...so they subdue or condemn them. Maybe we are made to feel unloved if we express negative emotions (you got angry...you're bad, you cry....you're weak). There are many ways that emotional expression is coached out of us.

 

This is a good explanation. This is more true for men than women I believe because they try to turn us into little pillars of strength almost from the beginning. It seems to be a societal expectation that most males are subjected to, to some degree. The result is that we "split off" the "bad" aspects of our personalities so we can be lovable to those whom we look to for nurturing and acceptance.

 

Then we spend the rest of our lives seeking to reunite our core self with the parts that were split off in order to feel whole. The way we do this is by seeking a partner in the image of our primary nurturer(s) as this image is intertwined with the need. We then have the expectation that they will provide what we need and make us whole. When they are unable to fulfill this mostly impossible mission we see them as withholding, resentment starts to grow, and we withdraw and seek alternate ways of compensating and coping.

 

For some of us, those who either didn't split off completely or gained some awareness, may partially reunite ourselves through self-acceptance. For others, those who experience continuing re-injury (rejection in response to opening up) or were severely rejected as children, it becomes even more difficult and their normal way of being is to suppress our vulnerability, put up walls to protect the sensitive core, and prevent others from getting close enough to hurt (reject) us all over again. These are the classic "emotionally unavailable" men that seem so cold and distant.

 

It's a catch 22. What they need is acceptance and healing, but they've learned that allowing anyone to get close enough to fulfill that will likely result in experiencing more pain and rejection. So they at once seek the type of person who has the ability to heal, but then hold them at arm's length, sabotage, or prevent rejection by doing the rejecting first. And they project their suppressed anger and frustration onto the very person by whom they seek to be healed.

[geegee81]

Thanks for the explanation Sambo77. Honestly, I am exhausted after this ordeal but, deep in my heart I am relieved. Guess what? I’m an educator and counselor, and ironically I’m messed up and can’t help myself. I’m always listening, leading, and teaching others, but I can’t help myself. So I totally relate to you.

 

 

 

Do you know what it feels like to be strung along without knowing how the person feels about you? I kept constantly expressing my feelings and intents, but I got no response, no validation, nothing. I truly have never had a meaningful conversation with him before. I never knew his fears, hopes, goals, dreams, what makes him happy, etc… I only got tidbits of information about his day at work or at the gym. Or he would briefly talk when he was fussing at me. He didn’t talk much. He would listen and not respond. I thought that he was shy and would grow out of it. But I now realize that people don’t change. He is the same person I knew in 2008…hadn’t matured at all.

 

 

 

I just thought he was shy….. I thought that he showed his love physically instead of verbally. I thought that he cared because he was extremely affectionate. I fooled myself. I ignored all of these negative traits and red flags that I received. After all these years, I’m still ignoring these red flags. When will i learn!?

[geegee81]

salparadise Thanks for replying as well.

 

Is it possible for a emotionally unavailable person to be affectionate? He was always holding my hand. At dinner at resturnants we always sat side by side, so he was always hugging and holding me, but we didn't talk much ever. He was extremely affectionate, but rarely smiled or showed that he was happy.

[geegee81]

Pinkie, I do understand what you mean about remaining single for a while. Im scared of meeting another dysfunctional guy as well. But i think i will keep dating. I have to use this situation as a learning experience. I have to stop ignoring red flags.

 

I have a problem with seeing too much good in people. I have to stop trying to save people. Ive always tried to save and help others... Its time for me to protect and help myself.

[salparadise]

salparadise Thanks for replying as well.

 

Is it possible for a emotionally unavailable person to be affectionate? He was always holding my hand. At dinner at resturnants we always sat side by side, so he was always hugging and holding me, but we didn't talk much ever. He was extremely affectionate, but rarely smiled or showed that he was happy.

 

Geegee,

Yes, of course it's possible. He has to offer something to attract and secure a bond. They have both the desire for intimacy and the inability for deeper intimacy working in a push-pull fashion. The overt expressions may feel great, especially early on, because they create a feeling of connection. But when the time comes to move beyond superficial expressions to meaningful sharing, the feeling of vulnerability becomes intolerable and up go the walls––the push phase. They will try to maintain this less threatening middle ground, all the while fearing both abandonment and deeper intimacy.

 

So the question is, what do you do with the understanding of emotional unavailability?

Edited October 15, 2013 by salparadise

[Revolver]

IME when a woman says this 90% of the time it means attractive guy I can't get to commit to me

[cocorico]

I was emotionally unavailable, and so chose other emotionally unavailable people or situations to ensure some balance. I hated it when I was only interested in sex, but the other person wanted love and intimacy and to share every aspect of my life.

[geegee81]

Geegee,

 

So the question is, what do you do with the understanding of emotional unavailability?

 

Hell i better run fast lol. j/k

 

Well for me, i will take my time and get to know the next man/men that i date. I will make sure that his communication skills are up to part. I will make sure that we have some things in common. And i will make sure that he is looking for the type of relationship that im looking for. He has to be able to verbally express himself, his wants, needs, future etc. I will pay more attention to red flags this time.

 

Plus i need a guy that can express different emotions, smiling, laughing, crying, screaming, etc..... This guy had no emotions.

[salparadise]

Well for me, i will take my time and get to know the next man/men that i date. I will make sure that his communication skills are up to par. I will make sure that we have some things in common. And i will make sure that he is looking for the type of relationship that im looking for. He has to be able to verbally express himself, his wants, needs, future etc. I will pay more attention to red flags this time.

 

Plus i need a guy that can express different emotions, smiling, laughing, crying, screaming, etc..... This guy had no emotions.

 

Yes! That's what I was hoping you'd say. Openness and sharing of genuine emotions, appropriately, right from the start is what I look for as well. I was married for a long time to a woman with thick walls (and other related issues). Then I had a beautiful relationship with someone who was really able to be open and relate on an emotional level, express warmth and caring. What an enlightening experience that was. Based on that, the bar is set pretty high now.

 

I hope you find someone who can show you just how wonderful it can be. I think I'd draw the line at the screaming though...

[Nikki Sahagin]

Honestly, I think emotionally unavailable usually translates to 'not that into you'.

 

I had a guy recently tell me he was going through a lot of issues and has a lot of problems in his head and so doesn't want a relationship BUT I would bet almost anything that if the right woman came along, those issues and problems would mysteriously disappear.

 

Basically, mostly it's not so much that the guy has issues (although he might have) but more so that he just doesn't want to be with you. It's hard to accept that so most of the time people will deflect it and say 'he is just emotionally unavailable'. YES. To you. Because he doesn't want you.

 

It's like if a guy wants me that I don't like. He could call me frigid, unavailable, a lesbian...the truth is, I just don't dig him.

 

However yes, some men are emotionally unavailable even to women they like/love. That's to do with some men having no clue how to sort out there own emotions.