Hard time being a step mom

[StressedStepMom]

I am having a very difficult time doing this step mom thing.

 

She is 2 years old and I find her to be very trying of my patients. It's not even like she acts bad or spoiled all the time...just when it's important. She does not listen to us when we tell her 'no', she'll just ignore us and keep doing it or wait until our backs are turned. Her dad is afraid that if he disciplines her she will not love him as he only sees her on weekends. He makes excuses for all her behaviors, tells her that it's the doors fault if she runs in the house and falls down. he even tries to get me to think that she is 'adorable' when she is doing something bad. Every times she is with us it seems to be all about catering to her and it is driving me nuts. If we go to the store she yells and screams and we have to leave and that means that my errands are not done. Not to mention that he dad ets all flustered when she acts like this. He feels like he's a bad father if she is 'unhappy' for any length of time. I have a small dog and she will get into these moods where she needs to kick or hit him and if I take him into another room to get away from her she gets all upset and her dad has to calm her down. Personally I think that there are things that need to stop and we cannot always 'ask' her tostop doing it. Somethings need to be TOLD to her so she knows we are serious about it. Anotehr thing I can't stand is the constant cartoons. even if she is not watching anything we need to have the cartoons on. If we all eat together she needs her entertainmet. Well, I refuse to turn my hosu einto Disney Land every other weekend so the whole house will be about her entertainment. I just cannot do that!

 

 

I just feel like I am expecting to take care of her but I have no say in what she does at the house. If I raise my voice when she is doing something wrong, he yells at me yet heis not making that behavior stop so what am I expected to do. It's not like I can go away every other weekend so I don't have to deal with it. It's my house and I should have to leave because she gets unruly.

 

I know this sounds a little scattered but I just have such a wide variety of emotions in regards to this. I love my BF very much and I do not want to ever be without him but I hate that this is my life. HATE IT. I know that it just takes time to get used to things but even after 6 months I feel myself getting more and more anxious when I know it is 'our' weekend.

 

Just so you know, I have never and would never let her see how unhappy I am. That's when I walk away from her. She didn't ask for this situation and I would never want her to feel bad about it.

 

Any advice or stories? Please share, I need to hear them!!

 

L

[quankanne]

ugh! the terrible twos .... don't have kids myself, but I've got a ton of nieces and nephews, all grown past that stage, thank goodness!

 

first and foremost, Daddy needs to understand that setting boundaries doesn't mean he's mean or unloving. but that he cares enough to set those boundaries. At this point, they're very simple, but very CLEAR boundaries, where she understands what they mean. "No" means no, and bad behavior equals a timeout.

 

trust me when I say that kids not only need those boundaries, they WANT them, because in their little minds, it means that his or her parents/caretakers love them (this is what my niece told me at age 13, and she's a pretty straight-up kid).

 

it sounds like your BF is relying on being permissive to "make" him a good dad, and that's not healthy. My advice is to look for a Parents Anonymous chapter in your town, then see what kinds of classes the three of you can get enrolled in. From what I've seen, that group gives you the tools you need to survive your kids

 

good luck, and keep us posted

[tiki]

Hi, I'm a soon-to-be step-mom (wed in one week) of a 6 year olf and a single mom myself of a four year old.

 

You've got to get yourself and dad ahead of the game while she's still young. My ex-husband and I use 1-2-3 magic. I also like the book by Kevin Lehman Making your kids mind without losing yours.

 

You've got to do something or you'll be crazy. Set down some rules for your home. Do research, talk to her pediatrician, hit the library and read, read, read. Some places even offer parenting classes. It probably is hard to deal with this if you don't have kids on your own.

 

Keep open communication with b/f. Don't let your home turn into a Disneyland, or it'll be like that til they're out of the house. It's your home, remind them of that.

 

I constantly have to remind mine that *I* am the parent and *they* are the child. Take hold, don't give in. Stay true to your word and stick to your punishments-follow them through.

 

Also, I've been told that you'll never automatically love a child unless it's your own. Love has to grow. We, as mothers, have months of bonding and birthing that bring us closer to our babies....years of mothering...blah, blah blah. It takes time to grow to love a human being that isn't yours. You will grow to love her. But make her respect you and her father.

 

He's got to realize that he's doing her a disservice by allowing her to rule the roost. That's not the way the real world works and she'll be in shell-shock when she figures that out.

 

G'luck.

[Bubbles]

StressedStepMom,

 

Hang in there Bebe. Take it from a Mother of two that the ages 2, 3 & 4 are your MOST difficult. Do yourself a favour. Make sure that YOU get your errands done. It is NOT necessary to take Daddy and baby along with you to the Mall......as a Mother you learn that you can get your things done much quicker WITHOUT Daddy and the kids. So stop feeling guilty about leaving them behind o.k.? This is your quiet time - take it while you can get it.

 

Secondly, seek out some type of reading material so that mentally you can get yourself up to speed with this little one. It's difficult enough that you are the "step-mom" never-mind being literally thrown into the ring with a "terible two year old" and that does not mean that she is personally terrible.......as far as I am concerned.......all two and three years olds' are TERRIBLE.......tee, hee, hee and then they grow up and they are wonderful but until then.......... Get yourself some good reading material so you know what to expect physically and mentally from this little wonder. I'm not saying that a book will answer all your questions but it will help.

 

You are one hell of a person "in my eyes" to be willling to take the challenge of your b/friends child (without one of your own - that is total selflessness as far as I am concerned .

 

I dated a fellow for 7 years who by my mistake ended up leaving all of his responcibilities of HIS child to me, (because I was already a mother) he automatically assumed that because I was a Mother (and he had NO CLUE how to be a parent in the first place) that I would'nt say a word about looking after his child as well as my own for 2 1/2 days every-other week while he sat on the couch and never did one thing WITH US - that was'nt fair to his own child.

 

Do Not fall into this trap. On the week-ends when you two have the little one. YOU need to schedule some-thing outside of the house to make sure that Daddy is spending time with her and sealing that bond between father and child or else naturally - do not allow him to shuck his responsibility because you are doing everything and you are - after-all; the woman right? Be certain that HE does the parenting work - that's why he wanted visitation on the week-ends is'nt it?....to be a parent.

 

Here for ya if you need me,

 

bubbles

 

No, your house Does not have to turn into Disney Land when she is there. If she is only two.....you sit down with the t.v. guide and figure out what t.v. shows are on that are geared to her learning capacity and are at a convenient time when You need to cook dinner and would like bfriend and daughter to sit down and be quiet before dinner. Or is Barney on just before nappy time? Schedule t.v.watching. Men tend to think that the t.v. should be "on" Aaaaaalllllll day. It should'nt.

[StressedStepMom]

Wow. I actually have tears in my eyes right now. I really thought that I was going to get yelled at for not being more 'supportive' and 'part' of this with my bf and to actually read that people understand and that I am NOT a horrible person, makes me feel better. A LOT better.

 

We had her this past Sunday (we have her on Sundays opposite of the full weekends that we have her) and thankfully there were only a few instances of 'brat'. I had errands to do so I was gone abou thalf of the time but the other part of the time was all about her. All the toys scattered through the living room, cartoons on and when she ate we had to go through 2 seperate menus to appease her. I did what I could to get him settled and then I went upstairs to use my treadmill. I was grateful that they left me alone for that time. USUALLY she wants to 'see me' so they both come upstairs and knock on the door for 1/2 hour. It takes all my strength the not yell "Get the hell away from the god damn DOOR!!" When I do say something (nicely) he gets offended and goes into the "She loves you and wanted to see you". First off, that's horse**** because she does not LOVE me, at least not yet, and second, don't teach her that she can horn in everything that has nothing to do with her!

 

After I came home from doing my errands she was still there, eating. My bf told me all about the SUPER fit she threw at the mall because she wanted to run around where the other kids were having their picture taken with Santa. Apparently at one point she ran in front of the camera! So there are 2 things that I disagree with 1)Why was she allowed that close to Santa if she wasn't supposed to be in there) (no hand holding or carriage?) 2) She must've learned somewhere that she is allowed to kick, scream, hit, slap, cry and throw herself on the floor when she is not allowed to do whatever she wants? He doesn't understand that you can't allow just a 'little' bad behavior and then try to reel it back in. You can't let a kid drink a 'little' bit of bleach and then tell them to stop, know what I mean? I tell her not to stand on the couch and he will allow standing on the couch if one hand is holding something to steady her. "she okay.." Um, no. No standing means NO STANDING. No running inside means NO RUNNING, etc. If he has problems telling her no, I have no problem saying it BUT HE will never learn to do what's right and that will grow into a horrible situation for all of us. Luckily I am getting better at distancing myself from them when she is there. At first I tried to be part of all of it then I realized how much I was not getting done and started to withdraw. Not only does she drive me crazy but he gets so flustered and I get ignored. Why would I MAKE myself part of that? It's about them being together, right? All she NEEDS to know is that her father and I are together, we love eachother, he loves her and we will both do all we can to make her safe and happy but we also need respect from her. I have no doubt that she will respect me and my decision. I won't accpet anything less, but he is going to have a hard time with it. I just have to stop trying to make it all better for him and let him learn the hard way.

 

Thanks again for all your kind, supportive words..

[quankanne]

sounds like the bigger job is dealing with him, rather than the 2yoa!!!

 

maybe it's time to sit him down and talk to him about setting some parameters so that together you can raise this child in a good, healthy way (plan the talk when you don't have her). You understand that he doesn't want to be a bad parent, but not disciplining or corraling a child when it needs to be is a form a bad parenting, in my way of thinking. She's two, she's going to react negatively to anyone or anything that gets in her way of her perceived independence. It's up to daddy and you to give her those guidelines to live by.

 

if he can't agree to co-parent in a responsible manner, maybe it's time to plan all your errands and stuff around the times she comes to visit, so that you are not stuck trying to deal with the both of them when they're doing the best to get on your last nerve.

[brashgal]

One tip for coping with a two year old - learn the art of distraction. If she wants to do something (like stand on the couch), funnel her into another activity "let's check to see if the mail is here?", "have you played with your doll today?" - distract, distract, distract. Fewer tantrums - still mentally challenging but not as draining as fighting the little darling.

[StressedStepMom]

Originally posted by brashgal

One tip for coping with a two year old - learn the art of distraction. If she wants to do something (like stand on the couch), funnel her into another activity "let's check to see if the mail is here?", "have you played with your doll today?" - distract, distract, distract. Fewer tantrums - still mentally challenging but not as draining as fighting the little darling.

 

I do the distraction thing when she is doing something I would rather her NOT do but when it comes to something that isn't acceptable, I just say 'no'. Plus I don't want to have get myself settled into needing entertain her with something else just so she will behave. AND that should be his job, not mine.

 

I just hate feeling like I have to put on the happy face and grin and bear it. And he wants so bad for me to just sit there and marvel at how 'beautiful' she is when I really just want to throw up sometimes.

 

I'm not trying to bad mouth ANY parents out there but would not agree with the fact that you allow your children to get away with more things than you would allow from other peoples kids. Remember back before you had them and there were kids running and screaming in the store. It drove you crazy. But now you have kids and it just seems par for the course. Employ any tactic you can to keep them behaved and you think they are adorable if they cover themselves in chocolate syrup while your in the store and seem to not care that everyone else is going to be inconvenienced by all of it. That's the part that drive me crazy. It seems like as soon as people have kids, the single/childless people are suppose to learn to adapt. My Bf will talk about how ****ty someone elses kid is being right after his kid does something rediculous. Um, HELLO!!! Yes, I knew the deal before I got involved here but it just sucks how much I love this person and hate everything that comes along with him.

 

Sorry, I really don't mean to sound like a bitch here. Really, I don't..

 

L

[Bubbles]

You sound like I used to sound. On the days leading up to the week-end when my ex b/f's child would come over?......I would get all stressed out because he caused me so much grief!

 

He was old enough to house most of his mother's personality to turn me off and his own father NEVER did anything with him alone (he left it up to me) so here I am babysitting a child that I could hardly stomach.

 

He did'nt like anything that I would prepare for breakfast, lunch, dinner.....snacks......nothing.......nothing I did was ever good enough for him but if his Dad made him cereal for breakfast it was fantastic!

 

Oh my goodness this kid used to turn my stomach. He was basically an outkast with a sick sence of humour, no manners he would beat-up on MY son and was NEVER punished for his actions because Daddy was afraid that he would'nt "like him" any-more......well too bad! It sucks to be a real parent does'nt it?

 

I used to say to my ex "if you don't want to act like a parent....then why did you want week-end visitation?....I don't understand"

 

I know I'm a Witch.

 

bubbles

[SexiiPinkLadii]

IMO, this child definitely needs to be TOLD what is wrong to do and what is ok. She is only 2..she can't do what she wants all the time. I would talk to her mother and see what kind of discipline/actions she takes to make her child obey her and take it from there.

[StressStepMom]

Originally posted by SexiiPinkLadii

IMO, this child definitely needs to be TOLD what is wrong to do and what is ok. She is only 2..she can't do what she wants all the time. I would talk to her mother and see what kind of discipline/actions she takes to make her child obey her and take it from there.

 

We are actually going to sd birthday party at the ex's house next weekend. I would love to talk to her about how she deals with her but I don't want to be in the middle to leave teh ex thinking that my bf doesn't do a great job. I just feel so lost. Alll I know for sure is that I will have at least some basic rules in my house and if my bf wants to make me out to be the bad guy or wants to act like Ia m the one being unreasonable, they will need to visit elsewhere. He is good about getting her out of the house when he sees that I am at my wits end but he can't keep her out ALL THE TIME, as perfect as that would be for me.

 

Another HUGE issue I have with the whole sd situation is the CHILD SUPPORT! We have no money and never go out because it is so much. Just another reason to LOVE all of this (sarcastic)..

 

Bubbles, any way I can contact you. Email or something?

 

Thanks!

 

L

[Bubbles]

StressedStepMom,

 

Yes, of course you can contact me privatly. First and foremost you need to creat an account with us here at LoveShack (no cost to you) and you can have access to all the privilages involved with LoveShack.

 

After you create your account. The board will give you options to message me directly (in private)

 

Can't wait to hear from you! Hopefully I can help.

 

 

bubbles

[Elmo]

Originally posted by Bubbles

You sound like I used to sound. On the days leading up to the week-end when my ex b/f's child would come over?......I would get all stressed out because he caused me so much grief!

 

He was old enough to house most of his mother's personality to turn me off and his own father NEVER did anything with him alone (he left it up to me) so here I am babysitting a child that I could hardly stomach.

 

He did'nt like anything that I would prepare for breakfast, lunch, dinner.....snacks......nothing.......nothing I did was ever good enough for him but if his Dad made him cereal for breakfast it was fantastic!

 

Oh my goodness this kid used to turn my stomach. He was basically an outkast with a sick sence of humour, no manners he would beat-up on MY son and was NEVER punished for his actions because Daddy was afraid that he would'nt "like him" any-more......well too bad! It sucks to be a real parent does'nt it?

 

I used to say to my ex "if you don't want to act like a parent....then why did you want week-end visitation?....I don't understand"

 

I know I'm a Witch.

 

bubbles

 

My gosh! That sounds like the hell of my first marriage! My husband would never do ANYTHING with his child alone. Even if I went off to have a drink with my girlfriends, or shopping, or lunch...THEY would show up. That marriage ended...not really because of that, but it was the final nail in the coffin.

 

No, you are not a witch. Or maybe we both are!

[Bubbles]

It's really , really difficult to be in a relationship with someone when a child is involved and there is not even a friendship between you and the child. It puts a "strain" on the adult relationship.

 

I'm sure in your case is was "the icing on the cake"! huh?

 

bubbles

[Elmo]

Originally posted by StressedStepMom

I am having a very difficult time doing this step mom thing.

 

She is 2 years old and I find her to be very trying of my patients. It's not even like she acts bad or spoiled all the time...just when it's important. She does not listen to us when we tell her 'no', she'll just ignore us and keep doing it or wait until our backs are turned. Her dad is afraid that if he disciplines her she will not love him as he only sees her on weekends. He makes excuses for all her behaviors, tells her that it's the doors fault if she runs in the house and falls down. he even tries to get me to think that she is 'adorable' when she is doing something bad. Every times she is with us it seems to be all about catering to her and it is driving me nuts. If we go to the store she yells and screams and we have to leave and that means that my errands are not done. Not to mention that he dad ets all flustered when she acts like this. He feels like he's a bad father if she is 'unhappy' for any length of time. I have a small dog and she will get into these moods where she needs to kick or hit him and if I take him into another room to get away from her she gets all upset and her dad has to calm her down. Personally I think that there are things that need to stop and we cannot always 'ask' her tostop doing it. Somethings need to be TOLD to her so she knows we are serious about it. Anotehr thing I can't stand is the constant cartoons. even if she is not watching anything we need to have the cartoons on. If we all eat together she needs her entertainmet. Well, I refuse to turn my hosu einto Disney Land every other weekend so the whole house will be about her entertainment. I just cannot do that!

 

 

I just feel like I am expecting to take care of her but I have no say in what she does at the house. If I raise my voice when she is doing something wrong, he yells at me yet heis not making that behavior stop so what am I expected to do. It's not like I can go away every other weekend so I don't have to deal with it. It's my house and I should have to leave because she gets unruly.

 

I know this sounds a little scattered but I just have such a wide variety of emotions in regards to this. I love my BF very much and I do not want to ever be without him but I hate that this is my life. HATE IT. I know that it just takes time to get used to things but even after 6 months I feel myself getting more and more anxious when I know it is 'our' weekend.

 

Just so you know, I have never and would never let her see how unhappy I am. That's when I walk away from her. She didn't ask for this situation and I would never want her to feel bad about it.

 

Any advice or stories? Please share, I need to hear them!!

 

L

 

Okay, you asked for it! I promise not to be mean.

 

You are not even married to this child's father. I say run for the hills.

 

Another poster noted that you don't have to love a child that is not biologically yours. They are right. Yes, you can learn to love that child, but it DOES NOT happen every time.

 

Your BF could keep on being the guilty Daddy and never let you assert good natured, helpful authority....Oh, man, that would suck. You would get resentful. Plus get resentful when he says you don't have the money to have your own....plus fight with the stepmom....and on and on and on.

 

I know you think you keep these negative feelings from the kid, but, ya know, kids feel this stuff. You aren't doing her any favors.

 

Guess my advice is kind of "tough love"...but I say cut and run.

 

I'm sure your BF is great. The situation is not great.

 

Animals that mate with another that has offspring usually kill the offspring. The dark feelings you are having are normal. Some can rise above this...most can't. And yes, AGAIN, you can grow to love the child. It just might take years. UGGGGGGGGGGGGG. And what if little precious is never especially darling, in your eyes?

 

Find a guy with no kids. If you want kids have them with him.

 

I'm sure I've pissed alot of people off...so I'll go now.

[Bubbles]

Elmo, Too bad if you have pissed off a lot of people?

 

I personally have been through this and it does not all end up like the Walt Disney story........not even close some-times!

Why do you think they make movies to teach adults and children to cut some slack towards the "step-dad or step-mom" It's a terrible role to play when your "charactor" is not being accepted.

 

It's hurtful and lonely. We all do our best when children are involved but we as parents have to keep ourselves in "check" when we are speaking of the "other" also.

 

Children are NOT STUPID. Never under-estimate. You never know what is going on at home.

 

StressedStepMom, while you are at the birthday party......watch and observe. Make sure to have a conversation with Mommy so that the little one will see Mommy talking to you so she understands that not only will Mommy correct me......now I know that I have to behave myself because Mommy likes her........it usually works. If not......a simple phone call to Mommy when the little one gets out of hand usually works.

Beleive me Mommy does'nt think she's a little angel either. She's two!!!!

 

bubbles

[Karen75]

Bubbles,

I am logged on but it still will not let me PM you. Says that either I or you have that option blocked.. Hmm.

 

I am not about to risk losing the best man I have ever met because of the stress of every other weekend. I need to give this more time. Him her and me all need more time. I think all the time about how things would be different if I bailed on this relationship and right now I would miss him more than I would be relieved so I need to persist. I have been through too much already to lock myself into this situation of I feel like it will always be this way, meaning, I will not marry him someday if my future will be a life full of weekend mini-hells!

 

K

[Bubbles]

Hey Karen75,

 

Nope.......they will not allow us to PM each-other. No worries........we have nothing to be ashamed of or hide from the other LoveShackers anyways.

 

Have you gone to the library or asked at your doctor's office about this problem? I would think that your doctor would be able to direct you to some local support groups or people that you could talk to in order to access information on the little one.

 

Two and three are the WORST......heck I did'nt even like my own kids when they were that age (unless they were sleeping and then.....they were my Angels....tee, hee, heee) busy, busy, busy.....tooo busy for me and too noisy too.

 

I'm glad my kids are in their teens now - well pre-teens.....but they are NOT TWO or THREE......ick!

 

bubbles

[tiki]

I think there may be like a 24 hour waiting period to send PMs after registering, but not for sure.

[Bubbles]

Thanks tiki!

 

bubbles

[Karen75]

I've been a registered member for over a month and it still won't let me pm you!!

 

K

[tiki]

Karen, edit your settings, you don't even have a PM button.

[Karen75]

I have it set to send/receive PM's.

 

I don't see PM buttons for anyone else either. If I go to the profile and try to send from there, it says that it is not enabled. i swear I'm not a total moron. I have it all marked to send/receive PM's!

 

K

[tiki]

Now you've got a PM button! I'll try to PM you.

[jnel921]

Originally posted by StressedStepMom

I am having a very difficult time doing this step mom thing.

 

She is 2 years old and I find her to be very trying of my patients. It's not even like she acts bad or spoiled all the time...just when it's important. She does not listen to us when we tell her 'no', she'll just ignore us and keep doing it or wait until our backs are turned. Her dad is afraid that if he disciplines her she will not love him as he only sees her on weekends. He makes excuses for all her behaviors, tells her that it's the doors fault if she runs in the house and falls down. he even tries to get me to think that she is 'adorable' when she is doing something bad. Every times she is with us it seems to be all about catering to her and it is driving me nuts. If we go to the store she yells and screams and we have to leave and that means that my errands are not done. Not to mention that he dad ets all flustered when she acts like this. He feels like he's a bad father if she is 'unhappy' for any length of time. I have a small dog and she will get into these moods where she needs to kick or hit him and if I take him into another room to get away from her she gets all upset and her dad has to calm her down. Personally I think that there are things that need to stop and we cannot always 'ask' her tostop doing it. Somethings need to be TOLD to her so she knows we are serious about it. Anotehr thing I can't stand is the constant cartoons. even if she is not watching anything we need to have the cartoons on. If we all eat together she needs her entertainmet. Well, I refuse to turn my hosu einto Disney Land every other weekend so the whole house will be about her entertainment. I just cannot do that!

 

 

I just feel like I am expecting to take care of her but I have no say in what she does at the house. If I raise my voice when she is doing something wrong, he yells at me yet heis not making that behavior stop so what am I expected to do. It's not like I can go away every other weekend so I don't have to deal with it. It's my house and I should have to leave because she gets unruly.

 

I know this sounds a little scattered but I just have such a wide variety of emotions in regards to this. I love my BF very much and I do not want to ever be without him but I hate that this is my life. HATE IT. I know that it just takes time to get used to things but even after 6 months I feel myself getting more and more anxious when I know it is 'our' weekend.

 

Just so you know, I have never and would never let her see how unhappy I am. That's when I walk away from her. She didn't ask for this situation and I would never want her to feel bad about it.

 

Any advice or stories? Please share, I need to hear them!!

 

L

 

 

You're lucky... I think I would rather deal with a 2 year old than a 16 year old. At that age they are testing you to see what they can get away with. At 16 they outright have total disregard for your feelings. Its a whole other ballgame.

 

That is my situation...and I honestly hate it. I have 2 of my own who are only 7 and 9...But are easier to handle because I am growing and learning with them just as you will with your stepchild. Mine came in with her own attitude and habits that I particularly didn't care for and I don't get the support from my husband that I need.

 

I understand totally about "your weekends" I am selfish that way too although I have 2 of my own. They go with their dad every other week. But the stepdaughter is always around. We will go into the city to spend a nice eveing out and she will be blowing up my husbands cell asking what time will we be home. This angers me more. Now I am supposed to report to her?

 

I have talked about this whole topic to my husband. He just thinks that I don't care about his daughter...which isnt true. I just don't care to be in this situation. Her mother needs to hurry up and take her back. I swear that I will not be taking her in ever again.