Why?!?

[TrappedWanderer]

Why?!? Why is he doing this to me?!

 

Cancelling mediation...he's only doing that because he knows he's wrong and he doesn't want to take any responsibility.

 

He continues to berate me, make feel bad, and try to make me carry the responsibility for everything. We only just got married...how could he have changed so suddenly? I put everything in to try and help him.

 

And why can't he just end things amicably...or at least civilly? Why won't he just take responsibility for his actions? All I'm asking for is the amount of funding we had agreed upon...not what I actually SHOULD be getting. That amount is only so that I can take all of my things and leave this godforsaken place. So that I can try and forget I ever trusted and loved him and gave myself completely to him. Why does he have to continue to beat me down??

[melissag]

I think that's a question most of us here ask ourselves repeatedly. Why is this happening to me?

 

I'm so sorry that you are going through this - and I know how hard it is to just be searching desperately for some sign that you aren't crazy and he is the person you married and not find it. It's a terrible feeling.

 

Who knows why anyone does anything - maybe he is trying to hurt you more, or maybe he is trying to make it impossible for you to leave. Or maybe he just has no idea what he is doing. There is always the possibility that he is just an a.s.s.h.o.l.e but I know that is one that makes no sense when it's someone you love and married.

 

But the point is, you are letting him to do it to you right now. I agree with earlier posters who have said you just need to get your stuff together and get back to the US to your family. You need to find a way. Right now, you are letting him still be in control of everything, and he cares only about himself. You need to take some control over what you do - it's up to you to stop letting him run your life. Forget the money and leave. I am sure that you can somehow, some way scrape up enough $$ to get home. Borrow from friends, family, whatever you can do.

 

Good luck . . . I know all of this is SO much easier said than done.

[Criticality]

Well TW... The thing is, you're not legally married in France, right?

 

Considering how quickly he changed when you got to his country, are you really surprised? This is just an extension of that.

[TrappedWanderer]

No, I guess I'm not.

 

I guess I just kept hoping that inside somewhere was the man I thought I married, and he would be able to summon up enough civility to end this as quickly and fairly as possible.

 

It's just really really really hard to go from trusting someone so completely to such anger and cruelty. Honestly, it feels like a nightmare, its so surreal.

 

I think I just need to get out of France before I'm able to make any further decisions. Friends in Germany are trying to see if they can get off of work to come help me pack up and go there with them. I'm way too vulnerable here by myself.

 

I'm working on trying to get my things in order-making piles to pack, etc. He keeps emailing me just the most nasty things and no matter how I try, it gets to me. Because he wants it to. He knows me so well that he knows exactly where my vulnerabilities lie. And isn't that the bitch of it all?

[Criticality]

Getting out sounds like a good idea... There is nothing there that'll help you to move on. And there is nothing you can do to fix it.

 

The happy ending here, is you getting back to the states in one piece, and won't take too long to heal.

 

Hope the links I posted last night were helpful.

[TrappedWanderer]

They were...thanks, I appreciate it.

 

Not going back to the US quite yet...decided I first just needed to get away from here and try to accept all that has happened so quickly. I'm not sure how fast I'll heal from this...I really do hope I'll be able to trust and love someone again, but sure doesn't feel that way now.

 

Thanks for checking in.

[Criticality]

Meh, France kinda sucks this time of the year though.

 

Yes, all the American tourists are gone now, but that's about the only upside. The weather is getting really depressing too.

 

You should either go south towards Spain where it at least still is warmish, or go north to Scandinavia and enjoy the longer days here

[Yarrow]

Why?!? Why is he doing this to me?!

 

Cancelling mediation...he's only doing that because he knows he's wrong and he doesn't want to take any responsibility.

 

He continues to berate me, make feel bad, and try to make me carry the responsibility for everything. We only just got married...how could he have changed so suddenly? I put everything in to try and help him.

 

And why can't he just end things amicably...or at least civilly? Why won't he just take responsibility for his actions?

 

You are dealing with a sociopath. I told you this already. You are not dealing with a normal, honorable, decent human being. I can explain his mindset: He is the center of his world. Everything he does is always right. He can lie to get what he wants, because everything is justified if it gets him what he wants. Other people are things that exist to serve his ends. That includes you. When those things do not behave the way they should, it is the fault of the thing. That means you. In his moral code, there is no right and wrong as we know it. There are only situations that work to his advantage (= right) and ones that work to his disadvantage (= wrong).

 

The man you thought you married does not exist and never existed. It was a lie designed to get you down the aisle and into the clutches of this man that you are seeing now. I think you are beginning to see what you need to do.

 

I am not the only one who has told you from the beginning that you would NEVER see that money again. Swallow your pride, let go of the money, and let your friends bail you out. You can always repay them later, though it is possible they may refuse your monetary repayment and simply ask you to return a favor in the future, because what are friends for? In that case, I would wait until I had a job and saved up enough to repay them, then return the money by disguising it as a gift, like, for their children's education or some other form that they could not politely refuse. You sound like a sweet person with a good sense of right and wrong. Such people usually attract quite loyal friends. My husband abandoned me while I was pregnant with our first (and now only) child. I can only wish that I had gotten as clear a sign as you did that he was a liar as early on as you have so that I could have gotten out at the start, but what's done is done. I could not believe the support I got from friends, some of whom I had not even talked to in years. Flying across the country to be with me during my delivery, for example. And that made me remember a time when a friend of mine was really sick. I visited him in hospital, went with him to some of his medical tests, etc. And I wasn't the only one helping. And I remembered how I thought it was in a way an honor that he would trust me that much to let me in on a time when he was so vulnerable. As you may be finding, it takes a huge amount of trust. It's the sort of thing that we are conditioned to only ask of family. You may find that, far from being an imposition, your friends will be eager too help you out. Because they care. Let them.

[TrappedWanderer]

Thanks Criticality and Yarrow. I appreciate your thought and insights.

 

It finally, in a crashing sort of definitive way, has hit me that there is nothing more to gain from this relationship-financially, emotionally, or in any way He's incapable of rational thought or basic human decency. I'm just hurting myself the longer I stay. Taking a hit financially seems a lot lot scary than

 

Friends from Germany are coming this weekend to help me pack and leave. I'm embarrassed but incredibly grateful for their help and know that I need to accept it and get out of here. Financial strain, at this point, is far better than the alternative that is staying here and torturing myself and allowing him to do the same.

 

Doing my best to just pack and not think about everything...there's time for that when I'm safe.

 

But still, I picked up a sweater he left that still smells like him-and I fell to pieces, because that smell used to be the most comforting thing in the world to me...and now it leaves me hurt and empty.

 

Two steps forward, one step back...at least it's some progress, right?

Edited October 14, 2013 by TrappedWanderer

[Yarrow]

I am so glad you are coming to this realization. When my husband told me he was leaving and I was confused and crying every day, my father told me, "When you have made your decision and committed to it, you will find that you cry a lot less." And he was right.

 

I'm looking forward to your friends coming. Pack up your things, go with them. Have a nice little holiday with a change of scenery where your friends can treat you to some comfort food and give you hugs when you cry. Then go home to your family who are probably worried and waiting for you. If I could, I would take a big fluffy blanket, wrap it around you, and give you a hug and a cup of tea and a cookie right now, because I think that's what you need, but I'll leave that for your mom to do.

 

You can do all the thinking later, like you said. Get yourself safe first and you can sort everything else out when you are more stable.

[melissag]

I am so glad you are coming to this realization. When my husband told me he was leaving and I was confused and crying every day, my father told me, "When you have made your decision and committed to it, you will find that you cry a lot less." And he was right.

 

 

I don't mean to hijack your thread, TW, but I am curious by what Yarrow said here. (Mainly because I would do just about anything to stop crying all the time.) Yarrow, do you think you just make a decision and go with it? Or do you think that you have to wait until you are ready to make a decision? Does the time come that you are ready, or do you just have to take that leap of faith? At the moment I feel like I am still hanging on, and maybe hoping that eventually I will get pissed off enough that I will decide to say FU and move on. But maybe that's the long, drawn out way to do things.

 

TW, I think that's great that you have friends who are going to help. It's funny because I want to say don't feel embarrassed, they are there to help you, but I can totally relate to the embarrassment factor . . . but can I still tell you not to be? Because I bet that's what your friends think.

[Yarrow]

I don't mean to hijack your thread, TW, but I am curious by what Yarrow said here. (Mainly because I would do just about anything to stop crying all the time.) Yarrow, do you think you just make a decision and go with it? Or do you think that you have to wait until you are ready to make a decision? Does the time come that you are ready, or do you just have to take that leap of faith?

 

I don't want to post too much detail, since the divorce is still ongoing and there is always a chance the husband will see. That being said, it seems my story is a common one on this board. My husband one day announced that he was moving out. He was a bit confused as to his own motivations, but it pretty much boiled down to him feeling unhappy with his life and thinking the way to fix it things was to leave his marriage. He felt he had gotten married too soon and got a chance to play around and enjoy the single life. Or something like that. Anyways, he wanted to move out to see how that went. And maybe if he didn't like that after all, he would come back.

 

So at that point, I was confused and hurt. I didn't know if I should fight to win him back, insist on marriage counselling, wait for him to make up his mind, or let him go. The last thing I wanted to do was let him go. I thought he was my soulmate. I didn't want to be a single mother. I was terrified. It took me 2 months before I could fight through my own shame and denial and tell people that this was happening. Once I did though, the floodgates opened. I told everyone. But I still didn't know how to handle it. I was asking people for advice.

 

TW mentions that she has come to a "crashing" and "definitive" realization that there is nothing to be gained from continuing her relationship. For me, that moment occurred when I realized that I didn't want my husband to teach my son to be the kind of man who uses people and disrespects women the way I had been disrespected. I decided that I had to get a divorce. It's that point at which you take back some control and where deep down you know that you are doing the right thing. From that point on, within about 1-2 weeks, the crying got better. Don't get me wrong, I still cried. But instead of waking up feeling like the sky was falling and crying before I had even gotten out of bed, crying at work, and crying myself to sleep, I would get teary mostly if I was telling my story to someone who hadn't heard it before, or if I had to go to our home to get some of my things. It had to be triggered directly, and even then, there was no more wailing for hours like someone had died. Just some tearing up and dabbing of the eyes and a few sniffles, which would be over as soon as I finished talking or left the house.

 

In the beginning, I fantasized that he would change his mind, wake up, come back and promise to be a better husband. After I came to my decision, whenever anybody, my lawyer, my coworkers, my doctors, asked me whether I would take him back if he begged me to, I would say, "No. It's too late for that." After that point, whenever anyone asked me if I thought there was another woman involved, my response would be, "Don't know. Don't care." That's the point I'm talking about.

[ComingInHot]

TrappedWanderer, I would so have an answer for you... on Any other topic than this, because it's my question too..

 

But I am here. I know what you've gone through. You are Not alone* (actually... looking at me , you may Wish you were alone, cause, well, who wants a hot mess for company

[TrappedWanderer]

My plans for Germany fell through. I'm doing my best here, but I didn't realize just how much I was craving having a friendly face and a hug, until now it's not possible...at least as soon as I was hoping for.

 

It really is true-I know there's no going back. There's nothing left here for me, and he's only getting more cruel. I'm packing up my things-quite a process to do all on one's own. Since that crashing realization, the crying has been much less. I still do, several times a day, but it doesn't overtake me completely like it had been.

 

What I'm struggling with is that he did not only end our marriage without my consent, but he effectively ended my entire current life-since I moved over here for him, I had embraced the idea that this life would bring-emotionally, certainly, but also location, professionally, personally.....he's not only broken up my marriage, which is hard enough to deal with-he's broken me in every single imaginable way possible. And that's what I'm really having the hardest time with.

 

The loss of my marriage and the hopes and dreams that go along with that is difficult and sad....the fact that he got me to such a vulnerable place and then just yanked it all away...that, I find unforgivable. Even if he wanted to end the marriage (as did I, once I experienced his rage every day that I've been here), was it so hard to do that on a civil, polite note. We were friends long before we were lovers...why couldn't he have honored that by at least ending it all civilly?

 

Sorry, just got a brief email from him....beyond hurtful and condescending. And now I'm back to questioning how I ever thought I loved this man, thought he loved me, or thought that he deserved my love? How could I have trusted him?

 

I've been doing really good, but man, it's so hard to be here alone and he's put me in that position. And I hate him for it.

[Misadventure]

Sweetie, you need to STOP reading emails from him. I know it is hard...but you need to just delete them at this point without reading it.

 

Do some packing... and then get out of your place for a little bit, take a walk...eat a freaking pastry! Do something for you one last time in France...do something that makes YOU feel better.

 

Then go back to packing.

 

We are all sending you virtual hugs...It is hard when some selfish person makes the decision about your life without even consulting you, just makes the decision....but it says more things about that person than you.

 

Do not read any more emails, texts, or answer his calls. You need to worry only about the actions and what words come out of YOU only at this point... but go do something refreshing for you after a few hours of packing.

 

Take time to breathe the air.