Is not wanting to hurt her a reason to stay?

[Andy1983]

At the weekend I told my wife that I wanted to leave her. We've been together almost 10 years, married for almost 1 year.

 

For a few months now, things haven't been the best. We spoke a while back about it, about how things didn't feel right. We'd both been feeling it, and it felt good that it was out in the open, and that it was something we had both realised was a problem. We both agreed that we'd make more of an effort to make it work. We tried. I tried. I really did.

 

I just don't feel it anymore. She hasn't done anything wrong. She's an amazing person, my best friend in the world. Just writing this I'm thinking about her, I know how upset she is, and it hurts me so badly. I love her, like a friend loves their friend, or like you love your family. But, I'm not in love with her. I know that sounds like pathetic cliched rubbish, but it's the way it is for me. We got married almost a year ago, I was so happy. It's not just in my head, I know how I felt about her when we got married, I know how I felt about her the years before that. She's so beautiful, and funny, and smart, and it made me happy being with her. Inside me I just knew it was right, she made me feel like I had everything I wanted. She's not a different person now. I just don't feel the same way.

 

I told her and she wants me to stay with her. I love my life. We have a great home, that we bought together, it's filled with our things, our memories, they're great memories. The best times of my life all involve her. We have a dog, no kids thankfully as that would obviously make it more difficult, but I love our dog. It's almost like having a child, she's our dog, we look after her.

 

Is it enough to love what we have together, to stay with her though? I'm not happy. I know I'm not. I'm almost 30 years old, and we've talked about kids in the past, we both want them. If I stay and we start a family, what if I don't ever get that love back, I cant force myself to feel it again. It wouldn't be fair on my wife, on me, or on a child.

 

I feel so bad about myself right now. I know I'm hurting her. She's the most important person ever to have been in my life, and I feel like I'm casting her away. I'm not a bad person. Really I'm not, but I feel like the worst person in the world today.

[thompkevin]

I am sorry you are in this situation. First of all, don't feel bad about yourself. You have the right to be happy and do whatever it takes to achieve that happiness. However, it could be that you are just going through a phase. I will suggest you try counseling before ending the relationship. However, if you do decide to end the relationship, then do it. Don't hesitate thinking that you will hurt her. In the end, you will hurt her and yourself more by being unhappy.

[GuyInLimbo]

You two aren't the same people you were 10 years ago. Hell, you're still babies, in my eyes. Better to figure out now than later. The above poster said it right.

[Andy1983]

Thanks for taking the time to read my post and reply.

 

My heads all over the place, my wife wants to work it out. I've asked for a couple of days to think things over, am I being fair?

[GuyInLimbo]

Have you guys already tried MC?

[melissag]

I agree with the other posters who suggested MC. I think that sometimes, we can start to feel kind of bad about something (like a marriage) and then our minds look for things to support that feeling, rather than trying to figure out why or how to fix it. I also think it might just be a phase, and if you decide to leave now, you might be in a world of regret pretty soon, but have already trashed any chance. Are you willing to go to MC and be open minded and give it a chance? There are tons of ideas for adding spark to a marriage - go do something exciting/adrenaline producing together. Change your routines. You made a commitment to her - that doesn't mean you should start a family without love, but at least make sure you have done everything you can to save your M before you give up. (No matter what you were doing, a few months is not enough, IMO.) Just my $.02.

[PlentyLV007]

First I'd like to say how awesome you are for admitting to your wife about the changes regarding your feelings. It's not easy to put all your cards on the table when we try so hard to avoid hurting the person we do truly care about and love.

 

I would definitely try MC. Sometimes therapist have a good way of bringing out the best ideas for couples.

Plus it's trying new things to make it work right? I guess what you really have to ask yourself is are you willing to try anything to make it work and to stay with her?

 

The post prior to this is right on about things getting old and how people do change. We have to remind our brains about our awesome significant other. Also think of the reason why you chose to marry your wife? What is it about her that you can't live without?

I hope this helps.

[Oberfeldwebel]

We got married almost a year ago, I was so happy. It's not just in my head, I know how I felt about her when we got married, I know how I felt about her the years before that. She's so beautiful, and funny, and smart, and it made me happy being with her. Inside me I just knew it was right, she made me feel like I had everything I wanted. She's not a different person now.

 

You have been with the woman a few years, but only married for one year. You stated that you were extremely happy one year ago and that she has not changed. If she did not change, then guess who did? This has nothing to do with her and is an issue you need to work on, before you jump off the cliff of divorce. I think you have to admit that is a very short period of time and is at a minimum very fickle. It appears that immediately after you got married that the relationship changed, you need to figure out why. I highly recommend individual counseling to get at the root of the problem.