How I feel, probably not described to well

[blasted]

I have been referred to as cold, heartless, callous, and unsympathetic and a variety of names that pretty much mean the same thing. It does get to me, I don’t like it and I can see why people would see me in that way. I don’t like to think I am any of these things; it’s not my intention to be that person.

 

I will admit that sometimes I can be any or all of these things, we all can. But I think it depends on the circumstance. I don’t go out and sympathise with people who have created a situation for themselves and leech of other people’s emotions as a way of feeling wanted or attached. I would like to think that I am a positive person; someone who looks forward to what life has in store for them, to make the most of the opportunities we get and what we create for ourselves. I love the company of other people and really, truly appreciate how fortunate I am to have friends. I care about the environment in which we live and the environment in which we create for others.

 

My definition of a friend is someone who will drop what they are doing and come to your assistance without a second thought for there own predicament, someone who will give all they have and ask nothing in return. The happiness that they create for their friends should be reward enough. There is a common misunderstanding between people of what friendship is. They don’t realise who really is their friend. They see the same people every day and share a few pleasantries. They do not realise that these are acquaintances, a passing of people with little or nothing in common. Friendship is not something that can be bought, it has to be earned, and it has to be nurtured and it gives you the ability to trust the company you keep. How can you give yourself to someone who doesn’t even listen to the end of the sentence you are speaking? My emotions are strong. If I give myself to someone, I do it full heartedly. I cannot allow myself to be upset, angered or even jealous of people who really don’t mean a deal to me. I don’t mean a deal to them. Things happen in life and it is tragic. But life moves on, it will never stop for you or me.

 

When I was a child I would cry at everything, I would be crying and would think to myself why? I would stop. Now later on in life I do not cry. When my dog was put down and when we created my grandparents I did not cry. I wanted too, but to me it does not get rid of the feeling of emptiness. It does not get rid of the pain. In fact it does not change the situation in any way. The only way to deal with the situation is to move on. It’s a fact that no one lives for ever. When we do die, the energy never goes, it simply changes form. It’s the one thing in life that is guaranteed. I also don’t believe in looking back. A chapter has passed and closed, we are the next step, we can either make things better or we can sit and stagnate. If I don’t show it does not mean I don’t feel it.

 

In some ways I am a bit too protective of my own emotions. The culture in which we live is not as caring as it should be. People are motivated by different things. I am paranoid that should I give myself emotionally to someone else that feeling won’t be reciprocated. I would love to go up to one of my friends and give them a hug. I would love to give all I have to them just to see the smile on there face. I ask nothing and to be honest don’t even like being thanked. To me it’s something we should do naturally. I would love to be able to express how I feel in a way that really does justice to how I feel.

I have never experienced love. It’s such a strong feeling that I doubt I could handle it. The thought of me giving myself totally and not holding anything back scares me. I get scared that should I give myself only to be rejected. I have never come from a background where I ever felt loved, not during my childhood and not in adult life. I know I have been loved, my parents and people I have met, but I have never felt it. I am popular, I know a lot of people but in a crowded room I can stand there and know everyone, but in the same thought I feel completely alone. I don’t think I have ever been understood, I am still learning about myself and I will continue to do so till the day I die.

 

I am an intelligent person; I can comprehend things that I would never be able to express in a life time. I can see beauty of nature all around me. Just because I cannot express it does not mean I can’t feel it. The emotions I have when I see bad things happening in the world we live hits me hard. I see the problems being faced by people a million times worse that what we have to endure. How can I pity the smaller trivial problems of people who really don’t like me when the world we live in is in such a bad way.

 

Sometimes I feel I should not be here, that I should end it all, I feel we are a species that is a fluke, we are not part of the surroundings and ultimately we will destroy it all. But that is not my way, while I am here I will do the best I can, so forgive me if come across a little bit hard, if I seem a bit tactless but you do not now how I feel and I doubt I will ever know myself.

[neptoon]

I get scared that should I give myself only to be rejected. I have never come from a background where I ever felt loved, not during my childhood and not in adult life. I know I have been loved, my parents and people I have met, but I have never felt it. I am popular, I know a lot of people but in a crowded room I can stand there and know everyone, but in the same thought I feel completely alone. I don’t think I have ever been understood, I am still learning about myself and I will continue to do so till the day I die.

 

The possibility of rejection is only the first and most surface of the scary things about love...whatever that may be. Each time you love, it changes you as a person. Each time you are disappointed by the one you love(d), it changes you in ways I cannot describe. There are times when you give 150% of yourself to a person, when you will begin to build to entwine it with theirs, only to have them disappoint and hurt in ways that remain with you forever. You begin to doubt your own judgement about people. You begin to doubt yourself. It is in that moment that you look into the eyes of fear itself. Each time you hurt someone, it takes away a part of you.

 

Some call this bitterness.

 

What do you care what other people are saying about you? That's one of the biggest beefs I have with our society -- that people care about what others say about them. I've wasted too many years of my life caring about what others think. I no longer care. Am I a happier person? Hard to say -- I've traded in a piece of happiness for wisdom. People think I'm odd because I've stopped socializing pretty much altogether -- people who call themselves my friends have wasted so much of my time and energy.

 

I can't rely on anyone to drop whatever it is they're doing to cater to my emotional turmoils. I refuse to have people waste my time (of which I have a finite amount of) at their whim. Even a small handful of friends has enough time-wasting potential to take away my economic independence. I have responsibilities to live up to. I have things to learn and do to ensure my own independence.

 

Some friends choose to get mad at me because I won't drop everything to listen to endless hours of their emotional problems. I've wasted entire days on end between a few friends. I cannot imagine having a large circle of friends anymore -- having to socialize all the time and being there for everyone else. What about time for yourself? What about time for introspection? What about time to pursue your own interests? I do not understand where people find all this time.

 

With respect to your fears about love and loneliness -- maybe you shouldn't drop everything to be there for everyone else. Find some time for yourself. Don't think about the fears -- about whether or not they exist. Just take it as it comes. If you get rejected, at least you will know and the matter will have been laid to rest. If they let you down later, chalk it up to wisdom -- it's the only sane way to live with it. You can't let all these things get to you.