Wife cheated while engaged

[broken_1323]

Hi,

 

I found out last week that my wife of 15 years cheated on me while we were engaged. We have a unique situation where where where each others first, having met at 15 and got engaged at 18. When she was 19 she had a 6 month affair (slept with him around 7 times.) with a 30 year old creep at her work. We got married at 21. At first she said it was just a one off, I sat her down and in tears I said please don't sugar coat it, just tell me the truth as I need to know to get over it, and she swore it was just once. Then 2 weeks later (3 weeks ago) I bumped into a friend and he reminded me of something around that time so I questioned her again. When she knew i had seen this friend she then said it was not 1 time and then came out with the 6 month thing.

 

Firstly I know it was years ago, but it has really messed me up and I keep breaking down in tears, and also the lie 2 weeks ago is bugging me too. I should also point out that our relationship was always great so I thought, she has been a brilliant wife and our marriage has been great too. I am happy she never did this again. I guess as well as the thought of them together that seems to play over and over again in my head (as it's still freshly out in the open) it's also the thought of me going through our 22 year relationship thinking we still had that "each others first" thing. I know now a days this is a rare thing, and most people would say who cares get over it, but thinking it all this time and to now have that gone is proving hard to bear.

 

Also the guy she went with (I know who he was) was not good looking, very unstable and mean, and treated her like crap. He would call her and they would go to the pub, get hammered, then go back to his place. There was no real emotion there and she says it was more about the going out and going crazy at the pub than the sex. She said she was going through a bad time with her parents, felt trapped by our engagement and just wanted some crazy fun, went off the rails and regrets it terribly. I wish she would have said something?!? However she is so sweet and nice, I cannot understand how she could do that even then, and be 100% fine around me during that time, and then lie to me agian about the 1 night 6 month thing a few weeks ago. It's just not her at all. I guess I also feel a bit of resentment that I had the chance when we were that age to do the same, but I turned it down.

 

We have 2 kids, and are not splitting up, but I am worried I am not going to get over it. Anyone else been in this position? I think it's the fact we (I thought) were each others first until now that causing me issues.

 

We are really trying to make things better after this, and so make sure we do not take each other for granted as we were a little after 215 years of marriage.

 

Any advice welcome.

 

Matt

[Mr Scorpio]

Wow. It is hard for me to imagine how much that much sting. You think you know someone. At the same time, you said she's been a great wife and that you've had a great marriage. While I don't condone her behavior, I can certainly understand it. Many people have a hard time commiting to one sexual partner for life as it is, much less when its also the first person you've had sex with. I can understand why she felt trapped and stressed.

 

You pain is valid. She shouldn't have lied after all this time together. That has to hurt. I can't offer any advice other than to stay the course. It sounds like the two of you have built a nice life together.

[laidbackguy]

Sorry things played out the way it did for you. I can totally relate since i've been through a 80% similar issue as yours. There isnt much that will erase the thoughts, man. I discovered that there is such a thing as knowing too much. Ultimately I started seeing a therapist, which is a good place to start.

[crederer]

How did you find out? After this long, if she told you, she was being emotionally selfish AGAIN. She was just trying to make herself feel better by getting the guilt off her chest. The reality is, you'd probably be better off not knowing about it at this point, assuming she hasn't done anything since.

 

If i were you I'd go find yourself a hot 19 year old broad and fire a few rounds into her for 9 months (extra three months for interest earned) and tell your wife 15 years from now about it (just kidding, don't do that.....er maybe do that if you can swing it....)

[broken_1323]

Thanks Guys I found out because we were just talking about drunken times when we were younger and I said I had always thought something had happened back then and the look her face worried me. I had thought something had happened at the time when it happened and we discussed it then and she said she kissed him. She Realised a few weeks ago I was not going to let it go this time so she confessed to the one time. After talking to my mate about I realized the time I thought she kissed him was after the time she confessed to. Then it al came out.

 

How did you find out? After this long, if she told you, she was being emotionally selfish AGAIN. She was just trying to make herself feel better by getting the guilt off her chest. The reality is, you'd probably be better off not knowing about it at this point, assuming she hasn't done anything since.

 

If i were you I'd go find yourself a hot 19 year old broad and fire a few rounds into her for 9 months (extra three months for interest earned) and tell your wife 15 years from now about it (just kidding, don't do that.....er maybe do that if you can swing it....)

[Criticality]

How did you find out? After this long, if she told you, she was being emotionally selfish AGAIN. She was just trying to make herself feel better by getting the guilt off her chest. The reality is, you'd probably be better off not knowing about it at this point, assuming she hasn't done anything since.

 

If i were you I'd go find yourself a hot 19 year old broad and fire a few rounds into her for 9 months (extra three months for interest earned) and tell your wife 15 years from now about it (just kidding, don't do that.....er maybe do that if you can swing it....)

 

Yeah, this sounds like one of those cases where nothing good really comes out of dragging it out again. The cheating er partner should just man/woman up and bury the guilt so deep that it'll never see the light of day. It's a suitably harsh penalty that they will never relieve themselves of the guilt, and have to carry it alone.

[ChooseTruth]

Unfortunately she trickle truth you and that makes it a lot harder to get over because her level of honesty has been proven to not be so good. She needs to understand that. It's hard to get over and it should be hard to get over. She needs to prove she can tell the truth even when it's difficult, chances to do that don't often crop up.

 

I do hope you make it though since it's been 15 years and you have children. I hate to see families broken up. It's worth fighting for.

[BetrayedH]

After musing on this for a while, most people have the most difficulty with the lies. To her, it was drunken indescretion 15 years ago. But for you, she's been lying to your face for 15 years and you don't even know who she is. If she could lie for such a long time, what's to say that she hasn't had other affairs all throughout your marriage? You even start to doubt the paternity of your children. Right now her word can't be trusted, especially since you've gotten "trickle-truth" even with the confession. There could well be more to know but she's "trying to protect you," which is utter hogwash, of course.

 

I'm sorry to say that with affairs from so long ago (which severely inhibits your ability to investigate and find the real truth), many times the answer is a polygraph. They have come a long way in recent years and it may at least put your mind at rest that you know the truth (and what you're forgiving). If you're willing to consider this as a option, say so and we'll advise you further.

 

As for your jealousy about her being your "only," get rid of those thoughts of trying to even the score or "balance" things. Just like her, you have a choice to either fix the marriage or leave it. Don't add to the crazy by entertaining thoughts of your own affair, even with permission. Reconcile or don't - that is your choice. But trust me (I speak from experience here), having your own escapade will have very short-term benefits (which last about as long as your orgasm) but will have long-lasting consequences that you won't soon forget.

[bubbaganoosh]

I think that both of you better get to a MC real fast and when you cool down and start thinking a little more clear, you should ask her if there is anything else she needs to tell you. You don't have to be screaming at her when you ask but I think anyone would want to know. If she tell you nothing else happened and you feel that your gut says different, then ask her to take a polygraph test. If she has nothing to hide and really wants the marriage to work, she will agree. If she doesn't then you will know that here is more. I hope that she agrees to take it and you both get the help. She lied to you and you need the truth to move on with this.

[miguelcervantes]

This is going to be difficult for you because for her it was 15 years ago but for you it was just yesterday because you just found out! Also she deprived you of a choice to go ahead or not go ahead with the marriage - a choice you had a right to know about and make. This is pretty deceitful and is now a brand new side of her that you did not know about.

 

My advice is to no rug sweep this - bring it out into the open and deal with it in the way you might have dealt with had you found out at the time. Ask her for full details and timeline etc, if you have kids get them DNA tested (to show her the severity of this) and ask her who else knew and cut them out of your life.

 

Then threaten her with D (even if you do not go through with it). She needs to show real remorse as if it just happened even though it was a long time ago.

[road]

Broken your reaction is normal. This is brand new to you because you just found out today. So do not let your WW push you with this is old news it happened 15 years so let it go already.

 

Your WW thinks from her perspective that the affair was a long time ago You tactfully remind her that it is brand new because you just found out now.

 

You will never know the whole truth. The best you can do is to tell your WW without the whole truth you will never be able to let this go. Is there any thing else that you remember. What ever her response to that is you then tell her that you are going to schedule a polygraph test so you can put the affair to rest.

 

You need to learn how to heal from this affair so it is a must that you buy the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.

Edited October 15, 2013 by road

[CrazyAlex]

Pretty surprised nobody else has mentioned that it is more than likely he wasn't the only guy she was banging during her crazy bar nights. Man up and serve her the papers dude.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

You suspected it back then, you asked, SHE LIED, she admitted only to kissing.

 

Something aroused your suspicion, you asked AGAIN, SHE LIED AGAIN.

 

I'm starting to see a pattern here. She WILL LIE to benefit herself, to protect herself, EVEN NOW.

 

She went on to marry you under false pretenses. You very well may have broken it off with her had you known the truth.

 

She admitted to seven times over six months. Seven? What a strange number to admit to. It's a little difficult for me to believe that she can even remember the EXACT number of times she had DRUNKEN hookups with him over a period of six months from 15 YEARS AGO. I would guess that "seven" is a lie, told to shut you up. I would guess "six months" is a lie, too.

 

If you have no doubts she's being honest now, or if you think she might still be lying but you don't care about her lying anymore, then I really have no advice for you. You only want to know how to get over it, and there is NO way to get over it EXCEPT time. AND TRUTH.

 

Like it or not, your trust in her has taken a big hit. It will take some time of her being honest to help you re-establish the trust.

 

If you doubt her story about seven times over six months, and it is part of what is bothering you, maybe the best option is take your chances with a polygraph.

 

No matter what, recovery from cheating starts from the time you find out, not from the time it happened. It's 2-5 years according to the "experts" here, and even then it never completely goes away, you'll always have that little bit of mistrust, that little nagging doubt from time to time.

 

When you are at someone's wedding - yes, you will think about it.

 

When you are telling people, devoted to each other and happily married for xx years - yes, you will think about it.

[Scott Thomas]

I am appealed by your wife's ability to lie and hide the affair.

 

It is very likely that your wife is not telling the truth. While I hope that this isn't the case, chances are this might not be the only time she has slept with another man.

 

I would urge that you schedule a polygraph test. Do not tell her about this until the day before the test. Only a polygraph test will reveal the entire truth.

 

If you suspect you children's paternity, go for a paternity test.

 

Ask your wife to post her story in one of the infidelity sections at another website.

 

Keep posting.

[broken_1323]

 

If you suspect you children's paternity, go for a paternity test.

 

 

It seems that nearly everyone on here thinks that there is more to this, is this from past experience or just because "once a liar always a liar"? It might be that that is in fact all there is no tell. I remember saying to her before, a 1 night stand is harder than an affair before nay of this came out. That probably made her choice to come completely clean much harder too. It wasn't like her to do this and I am sure (as I can be) she is telling the truth now because it is all too clear to her now that these things come out no matter how hard to try to keep them. For instance, I said I know who he was and without much I could find him and ask him myself, but given his nature probably would either lie to make it worse, or not even remember her. I have said that if anything else comes out I will not get over it, and that is it I will leave which I do know she defiantly doesn't want. She is very remorseful, and I can tell it really isn't something she looks back on as a happy thing. I can see the hurt in her eyes at the pain she has caused us, she cries almost as much as me. We were so young to be that situation, and I think she grew up a lot after that, not only was I here "first" I was her first boyfriend even. It sounds like I am making excuses for her which I am not, I just do not think she a serial cheater. Just to clarify something, she says "about 7 times at the most" and "around 6 months at the most but probably less" but doesn't remember exactly.

 

I want to believe her but my judgment is impaired by the hurt and the knowing she already lied. I am bearing this in mind on what to do next. Yes history shows that she lied, but I also know that my better judgment is screwed so even I believe her, I will have doubts. However the thought of a polygraph is also not something that gives me a good feeling. I think if you have to resort to a polygraph, then you should just realize there is no trust what so ever and go your separate ways. If there is any hope of getting through this I will just have to put faith in her. She never let anyone else know about this, not even her closest friends or family, who are also still my copse friends and family. We have a very close set of friends and very little opportunity for a chance acquaintance going un-noticed. I am happy that nothing happened with anyone else after that, at least as much as I can be right now.

 

I think I am going to be the bigger man and just get on with life the best I can.

 

Thanks for letting me vent my frustrations.

[klotzak]

Mate, you need to grow a pair. She has done nothing but lie to you and expects this just to wash over?

You have been second best to a woman you gave your complete heart to, your number one. If she thinks this is just triv I suggest you get her attention by talking along divorce lines immediately. If this doesn't get her undivided attention then do it, as she's too sure of her own deceitful actions and thinks it's nothing??!!

If you read all my other posts you'll see I'm always pro giving things another chance, but you have married a lie, you life with her is a lie and you deserve better, much much better.

[Chi townD]

One thing you have to remember is that this happened years and years ago. However, you just discovered this information this week. So, even though this is in histories past, the wound is as fresh as if she did this last week.

 

You're in pain, so don't let her rug sweep this mess. Don't let her tell you to "get over it".

 

You have a right to be angry. You have a right to be pissed that she could do this to you and then stand at the altar and profess her undying love to you.

 

Don't bottle this up. Especially if you want to save your marriage. That's the LAST thing you need to do.

[broken_1323]

Mate, you need to grow a pair. She has done nothing but lie to you and expects this just to wash over?

You have been second best to a woman you gave your complete heart to, your number one. If she thinks this is just triv I suggest you get her attention by talking along divorce lines immediately. If this doesn't get her undivided attention then do it, as she's too sure of her own deceitful actions and thinks it's nothing??!!

If you read all my other posts you'll see I'm always pro giving things another chance, but you have married a lie, you life with her is a lie and you deserve better, much much better.

 

Read my previous replies, who said she is expecting me to sweep it under the rug? I have threatened divorce form the beginning, and she said also she would do a polygraph on more than one occasion. She in no way has ever said "it was a long time ago" or "get over it" or made me feel I am over reacting. She knows it's not trivial, her first words after the full story came out were "this is going to destroy us isn't it?" She is truly devastated by this too, that much I know. I can see her crying in the middle of the night, I can see the hurt in her eyes, and some painful memories that she has buried so deep. Good some might say, but that's mean. Also how come I am second best? One thing I have learned is that forgiveness is the only way forward for this type of things or any other where someone is hurt by another. That doesn't mean forget, it means you come to terms with it and move on. She has remembered more details, nothing of consequence, but she told me. She even woke me up in the middle of the night and said I also remember xyz. These things were small things that were just details of the pub they were in. These are the things that make me think there still a future and a true sense of shame and remorse on her part, and also that she may actually have told me everything. Does anyone here have experience of a polygraph test that showed their wife actually told the truth? I would be interested to hear what the stats are on that.

 

People mess up, and lie to protect not just them but everything around them, that isn't hogwash. Have you even lied about anything, only to be found out and then come clean? If not then I think a polygraph is in order. This incident is a bad thing, the very worst thing in fact, but that doesn't change we have a long history together and both love each other very much so sometimes you have to accept it sucks and move on. It sounds like you want there to me more? I am getting the feeling that some advice is based on the need to punish make the cheater feel bad. If that means I don't have a pair then so be it. Running away is easy.

[samsungxoxo]

Though she is very remorseful about it, that's a hard pill to swallow after 15 years of marriage. That's something that could have changed your future if you had known it at the time. You might not have even married her. This is what makes it a deep and serious secret.

[petee]

I think you have people here that can empathise and sympathise with this situation. They are giving you good advice as far as I can see as has the klotzak.

This situation is not something you caused, but make sure you R on your terms. How many other times has she lied to you. You cannot just accept she let a man enter her and make love to her when you were supposed to be her only man and her future.

How long did it REALLY last and how many times did they REALLY hook up?

[Debanked]

Hi Matt. Since you have 2 kids and are not going anywhere, try to leave the past in the past and move forward with your wife, life and family now. Forgive and forget. Be better, not bitter. Rehashing the past and details will only "twist the knife" and cause further problems.

 

Leave it behind.

 

Being a man and "growing a pair" is approaching the situation as a rational adult, looking your wife in the eyes and saying, "I forgive you." And actually meaning it.

 

All else is just fodder for the vultures.

[broken_1323]

Thanks, I was hoping at least one person would see that there can be some sense in sticking with it. I do forgive her, that isn't an easy thing to say this early on, but do want to stay with her and you cannot pretend to be someone for 18 years (that's when it happened), and our time after that event has been great.

 

I very well may have left her at the time, and then I wouldn't have my 2 kids, or my wife (Yes she messed up and lied I know) which I love with all my heart, and that for me is enough.

 

Thanks for all the advice but I think I will leave this thread for now.

Hi Matt. Since you have 2 kids and are not going anywhere, try to leave the past in the past and move forward with your wife, life and family now. Forgive and forget. Be better, not bitter. Rehashing the past and details will only "twist the knife" and cause further problems.

 

Leave it behind.

 

Being a man and "growing a pair" is approaching the situation as a rational adult, looking your wife in the eyes and saying, "I forgive you." And actually meaning it.

 

All else is just fodder for the vultures.

[Chi townD]

Okay Broken. It's good to know that she is remorseful about his whole situation. That's very good news. That's a sign that she's willing to put in the work to help rectify the situation.

 

But here's the rub. You're still processing everything. You're still in a bit of shock. You're going to go on a ride and it's called the roller coaster of emotions. You'll be fine one minute and mad as hell the next. Laughing one minute and crying the next....lots of ups and downs. THIS IS NORMAL!!! And it's going to happen. You're wife has to be mindful of those times.

 

I would suggest that if you come on here to post. DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE YOU ARE POSTING HERE!!! Let this place be your safe place to talk, to vent, to get advice and just to have people listen.

 

I would also strongly suggest that the two of you get into marriage counseling immediately.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Forgive and forget.

 

Forgiving is very difficult. Forgetting is impossible!

 

This OP does not need platitudes at this moment. He needs to address this head-on and process it on his timeline.

[Debanked]

Some people just need to vent. They don't need to be whipped into a frenzy and their lives to play out on here like an emotional soap opera for everyone's entertainment.