Buns Posted October 14, 2013 Share Posted October 14, 2013 Hi everyone, I will try to make this as short as possible, because otherwise it could take all night. I've been dating someone for nearly 5 months now. He is 40, divorced nearly 3 years ago, and has a 9 year old son. He is on very good terms with his ex wife... When we got together, during one of our first serious discussions, I told him that I did not want to get together with someone who was still in love with their ex, or looking to get bqck with their ex, etc etc. He reassured me, saying that they'd failed their marriage and were just trying to make their divorce as easy as possible, for them and for their son. Fine, fair enough, no problme with me. They text each other EVERY DAY, they eat together, along with their son, every month or so. Sometimes call each other in the day... This I personnaly think is too much, but then, I've never been married or divorced, so what do you all think? The other thing is he lied to me twice about who he was with. The first time he told me that he was spending the night at a friends who loved far away, and that it was just the 2 of them, I found out later by looking through his phone that his ex wife was there and his friends wife too. They all spent the night there, I don't know what happened and I'm not sure that I want to know. Anyway, he doesn't know that I know about that. Second time, he says to me that he is going for drinks with friends, turns out, his ex wife is there too (I found this out because a friend of mine saw them). I confronted him about that and he said that he didn't want to have to justify his actions and that he hadn't lied. Well that upset me. We have spoken about moving in together, a couple of weeks ago he introduced me to his son (I am the first person who he's had a serious relationship with since his divorce and who he's intriduced his son to as his new girlfriend). So in some ways it seems like he is really serious about us. This evening he came back with a big bunch of roses for me, I was so happy. But being the paranoid woman that I am, when he was in the shower, I couldn't help resist looking at his text messages in his phone.. His ex sent him a text saying "thank you so so much for the rose, it was so sweet of you" to that he replied "you're welcome, it was my pleasure".... ERM, what do I make of that ?? I don't know if he misses he suddenly so much and wants to get back with her? I don't know what to think, I'm so confused. I have fallen madly in live with this guy, he tells me he has too... But I'm just confused now, I don't want to get hurt. I don't want to move in with him and a few months down the line, have him say "erm, you need to move out now, my ex wife and I are going to give it another try". What should I do? A friend has told me to run, while I still can, but, maybe I'm just being paranoid and he really has just kept a good friendship with his ex wife.. ??? Help me please, I'm miserable at the moment and don't know what to do.... Link to post Share on other sites
Assasda Posted October 14, 2013 Share Posted October 14, 2013 Tell him that you want to be the only REAL woman in his life, and ask him if that is true? Also tell him that youre a jealous woman, and that you need to know things. Just be sincere, if he cant assure you, you might just have to give him some time Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted October 14, 2013 Share Posted October 14, 2013 The first time he told me that he was spending the night at a friends who loved far away, and that it was just the 2 of them, I found out later by looking through his phone that his ex wife was there and his friends wife too. They all spent the night there, I don't know what happened and I'm not sure that I want to know. Once you have been married to someone, intimacy comes easy. Their sexual knowledge of each does not go away. They slept together that night and I think in your heart you know it. Second time, he says to me that he is going for drinks with friends, turns out, his ex wife is there too (I found this out because a friend of mine saw them). I confronted him about that and he said that he didn't want to have to justify his actions and that he hadn't lied. Well that upset me. He is still dating his ex-wife and is not remorseful about it. If he agreed to being exclusive with you, then he is cheating. His ex sent him a text saying "thank you so so much for the rose, it was so sweet of you" to that he replied "you're welcome, it was my pleasure". He is still has romantic feelings for his ex-wife. I don't want to move in with him and a few months down the line, have him say "erm, you need to move out now, my ex wife and I are going to give it another try". Do not move in with him, because he may very well later ask you to move out when he give the ex-wife another try. A friend has told me to run, while I still can Your friend is giving you good advice. No matter what he says, you are not in an exclusive relationship with him. He is using you for sex and companionship as he tires to win his ex-wife back. Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted October 14, 2013 Share Posted October 14, 2013 Buns, I can see why you would looking for clarification "outside" of B/F who has already lied and your friends who, of course, are biased (as well they should be, they love you*). With that said, did he Really say, he didn't want to have to justify anything to you? From an outsider looking in, this is a red flag to me (that and the lies or "commissions" he's already given you). But I mean, he's talking about moving in together and he feels like he'd have to justify, lie, omit whatever, in order to avoid what?? Admitting he and his exW are having inappropriate meet-ups beyond communicating regarding their children and having a healthy "family" dinner together w/their son once/month. To me that doesn't sound cool or comforting. Actually kind of passive aggressive... Maybe ask him at what point will he Not feel he has to keep things from you. Note; Normally when people say, "I don't have to justify myself to you", it's because they know they are doing something wrong or they don't feel the relationship is important enough to give 100% to or they don't want to hurt you but Hate confrontation more, or they just don't wish to change a behavior to suit the expectations of honesty that go hand in hand w/a serious relationship... (run on sentence, sorry* but still, run, run, run, run) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GoreSP Posted October 15, 2013 Share Posted October 15, 2013 They have a son. Whatever is going on between those two, she isn't going anywhere. Throwing fits and 'putting your foot down' will get you nowhere. This situation won't change. Up to you to decide if you want to accept it or not. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Buns Posted October 15, 2013 Author Share Posted October 15, 2013 They have a son. Whatever is going on between those two, she isn't going anywhere. Throwing fits and 'putting your foot down' will get you nowhere. This situation won't change. Up to you to decide if you want to accept it or not. I have absolutly no problem with them keeping a friendly relationship and talking occasionaly. But I feel this is just a bit too much. I will not be throwing fits, because that, as you said, will definatly not get me anywhere. I just need him to be honest, I need to know what's really going on, but if something really is going on, then he's not excatly going to tell me until he dumps me, do you get what I mean? I'm unsure as to how to bring up this subject in a conversation. I don't want to tell him that I looked at his text messages..... Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted October 15, 2013 Share Posted October 15, 2013 ^^ What East_Coaster said! Run!!! He has shown you exactly what kind of guy he is. He lies, he cheats, he is deceptive and manipulative. RUN!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted October 15, 2013 Share Posted October 15, 2013 I'm unsure as to how to bring up this subject in a conversation. I don't want to tell him that I looked at his text messages..... This right here tells me that you are not in the right frame of mind to handle this correctly. Stop trying to address this in polite conversation. This issue needs to be addressed head on. There comes a point where you need to be willing to end a relationship and mean it, for you to have a chance at a relationship worth having. You are at that point right now. If you are willing to leave him over this, and you should be, then who cares if he finds out about you reading his texts. If you have to tell him that you read his texts, that only means that he was lying to you and not telling you the truth about his relationship with his ex wife. Cheaters always try to make you snooping into more of a big deal then their cheating. That is because they want to treat their cheating on you as no big deal. Well cheating is a big deal. A much bigger deal than reading his messages. He has not moral compass, stop letting him lad the way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Buns Posted October 15, 2013 Author Share Posted October 15, 2013 Tiday he text me saying that he wouldn't be around on sunday because he has a meeting early monday morning in a city a few hours away from here, so he's staying with friends there that he hasn't seen for a while. What immediatly jumps into my head is that he is spending sunday with his wife and leaving early monday morning and driving the few hours away on the monday morning. This is driving me crazy and is stupid, this is maybe my chance to get all my stuff together from his place and just leave while he's not here.... Link to post Share on other sites
melodymatters Posted October 15, 2013 Share Posted October 15, 2013 Some couples DO maintain very close friendships after their divorces, both "new" couples even socialize. I could NEVER HANDLE THAT ! All you need to know are YOUR boundaries. It sounds like even if they're not having sex, they still have an emotionally intimate relationship which would be a HUGE DEAL BREAKER for me. Good luck, Buns ! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Buns Posted October 16, 2013 Author Share Posted October 16, 2013 Some couples DO maintain very close friendships after their divorces, both "new" couples even socialize. I could NEVER HANDLE THAT ! All you need to know are YOUR boundaries. It sounds like even if they're not having sex, they still have an emotionally intimate relationship which would be a HUGE DEAL BREAKER for me. Good luck, Buns ! Like I said, I have absolutly no problem with them being in contact, and maintaining a friendly relationship... But my boundaries have been breached, they are too close... Link to post Share on other sites
GoreSP Posted October 17, 2013 Share Posted October 17, 2013 I have absolutly no problem with them keeping a friendly relationship and talking occasionaly. But I feel this is just a bit too much. I will not be throwing fits, because that, as you said, will definatly not get me anywhere. I just need him to be honest, I need to know what's really going on, but if something really is going on, then he's not excatly going to tell me until he dumps me, do you get what I mean? I'm unsure as to how to bring up this subject in a conversation. I don't want to tell him that I looked at his text messages..... I understand that, but if it is a source of discomfort for you, it will only gets worse. And nothing is more annoying than a new girlfriend/boyfriend winning about the ex. Especially when they have a good reason for staying in contact. Bottom line : don't date people with a past that bothers you. Link to post Share on other sites
StarsOnFire Posted October 17, 2013 Share Posted October 17, 2013 Like I said, I have absolutly no problem with them being in contact, and maintaining a friendly relationship... But my boundaries have been breached, they are too close... Then you have your answer, unfortunately. You can have a talk with him and tell him that you feel like your boundaries have been crossed w/their relationship & keep trying, but do you honestly think he'll put a bit of space in their relationship? He's already behind your back constantly with her, just from this post I'm not sure if he'd follow thru with respecting your boundaries. Good luck with whatever you decide! Link to post Share on other sites
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