Just need to let it out and get over it.

[EricaB14]

I've have gone through some things in the past year or so that have changed me as a person. Hopefully writing them out will help.

 

So I had a relationship started over a year ago now. Looking back I can remember a lot of good things that came with it. But there was also a lot of bad that not many people know about. let me just sum it up for you. Emotional abuse was one of the big things. Both given and received. I had like to think I had gotten past all the bad, but every now and again it comes back. As a lesbian dating bi sexual or pan sexual girls Ive always had the fear that I'll never be good enough to fill in the role of a man. That I will be cheated on or that a man will do a better job of being a better partner. The bi sexual/ Pan sexual women that I've been with at some point or another have either cheated on me with a man or the relationship soon after have been with men. I honestly start to think I'm bad at being someones girlfriend that they seek whats missing with a man. I trust easily and I forgive easily.

 

Of both the times I had been cheated on I had asked "why" but neither of them had answers for me. They both seemed distrait and emotional and both said they were sorry. One of them told me after it had happened. The other I found out from someone else. I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt. But I tried to man up about it and try to understand it. I easily forgave and comforted them. I tend to try at least to put my partner ahead of me. To comfort them and make them feel better. I figured if I could be understanding then if something happened they would be understanding with me.

 

Although my first relationship never really worked out no matter how hard I tried or how much effort I put into it I still managed to remain good friends with her and I wouldn't trade that for the world. She has been a supportive caring understanding person and I love her for it.

 

My other relationship on the other hand didn't end so well.

 

Again things were great in the beginning. We got along and liked the same things. We hung out a lot and slowly got to know each other better after only being friends who didn't really hung out much together. It was almost picturesque. Being called a great cute couple by our friends being complemented on how well we went together. But there was always something missing or something that never lined up as it should have. Funny thing was back before I had been with anyone me and she had hung out and I could tell she was interested in me. So we hung out and chatted, went to movies and just got to know each other. At first I wanted to see what It would have been like to date her. But I felt that she being younger than me it wasn't what I wanted for my first time dating. So in the few months of being at collage I met the girl who would become my first girlfriend. So at the time I had two girls interested but I could only pick one. A decision that she could never forgive or let it go.

 

I wonder what it would have been different if I chose her first. She on the other hand started a relationship with a boy which lasted about 1 year 7 months. While mine was on again off again about 5 times. Never really got the hint that it might not work out the first 4 times.

 

After it was all said and done I knew I'd never go back and that we would just stay the best of friends. So I figured I'd see if anyone wanted to hang out for Single awareness day with me. She said yes, we hung out again, then one thing led to another. But before all that I had an idea of where it was going and I tried to make sure I was doing the right thing. And at the time I thought I was. So we hooked up and started dating. And like I said everything was peachy keen. Until about 2 months in... When she cheated on me with her ex . We were having a small spat about something and then she texted me asking to hang out. I said sure and she picked me up. We drove to a park and she parked the car. I tried talking to her on the way over. Making light conversation but when she barely answered me back I got worried. I figured she was still mad over whatever had happened. But she wasn't... Nitty Gritty details aside I forgave her and tried to put it past us.

 

More time went by and I started letting her in to who I am and the things others have done to me. I once had a girl play with my feelings and string me along. Pretending to be interested in me but as the chance arrived that we could try getting together she would magically get back together with her ex. This happened a few times when I finally got the balls to tell her to shag off. Or at least kick her out of my life. I told her about things I was insecure about and tried to be there for her with the things she was insecure about. Unfortunately Self image is a hard thing to get over sometimes. I can understand that because I don't know what my self image is sometimes. I feel like I'm in a blob stuck somewhere between teenage clothes and trying to be an adult. But I would try and tell her that she was beautiful and she had an amazing body. Which she did. Most times it would cause arguments because she didn't feel comfortable in what she was wearing and wouldn't accept my help in picking out a new outfit. Think of a mother trying to dress a child and them throwing a tantrum. I would try so hard to make her feel better about herself and she would just push me down and it got frustrating. I know it couldn't be true but sometimes I'd think she would pick a bad outfit, something she knew she didn't look good in, just to start a fight.

 

When I told her I didn't like fighting she brushed it off saying that all couples fight and it normal. Before dating her I didn't have a backbone to stand with so I use to just let things wash over me. Maybe things would have been better if I didn't stand up for myself or if I just accepted everything she did. But I didn't and I stayed hardheaded in my opinions. I already let someone walk over me like that, it wasn't happening again. Which led to more fights, yelling, screaming, Threatening to break up. But it always went away and we would go back to having fun again. Doing things together and being happy.

 

Looking back on it now. Things should have ended right there in that car when she said that she cheated. I should have walked away and never looked back. No one will ever tell me that I didn't do everything in my power to try and fix our broken relationship. Hell it even got to the point that she was going to break up with me on my birthday because I didn't tell my religious grandmother that I was gay and that she was my girlfriend. I wanted to tell my grandmother but I was so afraid that I gave myself a migraine that lasted about 4 days straight. I understand wanting to be my girlfriend on my birthday but blackmailing and forcing me to do something I wasn't comfortable with made my birthday that year utter ****.

 

New years was also a bad night. We had gotten tickets to go to a gay dance in mount pearl. So we deiced we would both want to drink that night. We got a hotel and hung out before the dance. As we started to get ready she started another argument about the dress she brought saying it made her look fat. Which I tried to prove to her otherwise. Argument ensued... She threatened to drink the big bottle of champagne I had brought with me for the night, forcing me to dump the entire bottle down the sink, and then started threatening me that she would drive somewhere drunk. I tried to do whatever I could including sitting in front of the door keeping her in the room. Yelling and screaming ensued and subsided. She fell asleep and I counted down the new year alone.

 

These events got more frequent and more destructive. I had become unhappy and I tried to tell her why I was unhappy and depressed. She got more depressed to say that she was hurting more. I tried to get her help. But it wasn't until I had to break off the relationship that she finally did. I had asked a friend going through the same thing to maybe try and help her out. She would just pile her hate and sadness on anyone who tried to help. Kinda like emotional dumping with no regards to other peoples feelings. And when you couldn't help or couldn't deal with it she would get angry and say that no one would help her. She was destructive and emotionally abusive. Calling me things like A sadistic bitch who gets off on hurting her. That I had a God Complex. That I never loved her and that I was using her. But still I tried to stay and get her help.

 

 

 

We tried the friends thing and she came out with me to my cabin out of town with my parents. I was joking around about buying a house and moving out there and she got in the moods again. Stating that we wouldn't be moving out together and that I was planning my life without her and that I'd move on without her. The biggest thing about being someone's trigger and the only person they can and will talk to is that you get to be someone's greatest pain and their only comfort... We drove back home in silence and tried to smooth things out. Or I did. She wasn't talking or trying to be anything other than upset so I asked her to go home because I was fed up with it. It was emotionally draining on me. She yelled and screamed and shouted and hit me. I told her to never be in my life again and she ripped the phone out of my hand and deleted her number.

 

 

After about 3 weeks of separation she asked if we could try being friends again. Me being the Dumb Sucker that I am, against my better judgement, said yes. She got worse. She would throw herself at me sexually and if I didn't reciprocate she would get mad and moody. At one point we had attended a aqua zumba class and after I had started a conversation with the female instructor about video games and other nerdy things we had in common. She didn't like that and after tried to throw herself at me. I gave her the ultimatum of a Sex buddy or Friends because we couldn't be both. Yelling screaming and such happened again. I tried to walk away from it as I had tried to in the past but she wouldn't let me. Standing in my way and grabbing me, and so on.

 

She called a self help line and calmed down. Things went on. Then it kept happening. I once had to talk her down from a cliff because she said she was going to drive her car off of it. At that point I had contacted her parents who did nothing. And life went on. After I realized nothing had changed I wanted out again. For my personal safety and emotional well being. She also had no problem yelling at me until I was in tears in public. She had taken my glasses hostage so I couldn't walk away from her. I gave her back all of her things but she never returned mine. Hard to say how it would have went if my mother hadn't come out to check on me. She gave me back my glasses and drove off. I was honestly scared that she was going to do something stupid so I contacted whoever I could to make sure she was okay.

 

Because of what I've gone through I now doubt myself and I really fear that I won't be able to trust anyone again. I'm afraid I've lost important friendships because of this. I'm afraid she is saying bad things about me. She had already told someone else something personal about me. One of my insecurities that I trusted her with. I know there is nothing else I could do for her and that it was better for both of us to stop seeing each other. No contact. I'm sure there are people she has told about the things that have happened between us and people probably think I'm a heartless monster or something. Maybe I am.

 

I'm putting these thoughts to text hoping it will give me something to work towards and trying to get over the pain I've been put through because it still affects me. I might seem best kind on the outside and most days I am. But its the every now and again that kills me on the inside. If I ever sound egotistical about anything chances are that I'm trying to see the good that I think is inside me.

 

I even told a good friend of mine who I trusted and she turned on me because my girlfriend had depression and that I wasn't allowed to have hurtful feelings when she was worse off. And that hurt a lot. I'm still trying to figure out where and my friend will go from here because I've stuck by her in the worst of times. And now that I'm suffering she can't even hear me out. And it really hurts. I'm a trust with your heart kinda gal and to have people walk over and not consider my feelings hurts a lot. I'm a kind caring person who would do anything to help someone out and you be told that I did nothing in this situation is BS.

 

I just need to know that these feelings will pass and I can go back to being happy and be able to trust someone again.

 

Sorry it's so long.

Thank you for reading.

[Downtown]

Erica, welcome to LoveShack. As you've found, the risk of dating bisexual people is losing them to members of the opposite sex. Would it not be much safer, then, to focus your dating activities on other lesbians? Are you in such a small community that lesbians your age are hard to find?

[EricaB14]

I wish it was easier to find other lesbians.

The city I live in is pretty big. But it's is like most girls who remotely like girls are bi. Granted I have no gaydar and its hard for me to talk to other people out of my social circle.

 

I also find most girls bi or lesbian to be to katty and skittish to really want to commit to a long relationship. It's like every girl I've been with has given me a reason not to fully trust someone. I love unconditionally and I'm super forgiving and most everyone has taken advantage of that in some way.

 

But I am trying to get out there and meet other girls and not think about what I've been through. I know not every girl is going to be like this and it's going to take time but it just sucks wanting to be with that special someone already and not have to be alone forever waiting on the right girl.

 

Keeping my chin up though!

[Downtown]

I also find most girls bi or lesbian to be to katty and skittish to really want to commit to a long relationship. It's like every girl I've been with has given me a reason not to fully trust someone.

Erica, if your other GFs were like the last one, it seems that the problem is not their being bi or lesbian but, rather, emotionally unstable. The behaviors you describe -- verbal abuse, temper tantrums, controlling, inability to trust, need for frequent drama, and always being "the Victim" -- are classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Of course, only a professional can determine whether your exGF has such severe traits as to constitute full-blown BPD. You therefore cannot diagnose her.

 

You nonetheless are fully capable of spotting the warning signs for having strong BPD traits if you take a little time to read about them. This is why hundreds of the best mental health centers and hospitals put this information on their websites in an attempt to educate the general public. If you are interested in reading more about it, an easy place to start is my description of BPD traits in my posts starting at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/275289-crazy-i-think-but-i-love-her-anyway#post3398735. If that description rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you. Take care, Erica.