Understanding Porn

[bicyclejunk]

Adunaphel-

 

I don't Agree wih having Collections of Porn. I DO NOT.

 

I'm totally against men having porn collections when they

got a wife or girlfriend and they know the wife/girlfriend doesn't

like it. It's not like a "Baseball Collection" Or a "sticker Collection".

I'ts almost like an Angel having a Black Sabbath Record Collection.

You think God is gonna just welcome him in to heaven?

 

Not getting religious here, but you get my point.

 

I had a porn in the house up until a month ago. I threw it out

because I just got bored of it and I don't really like having Smut in the

house, since I live with my beautiful Woman. Every once in a while

i'll get an itch and buy one and watch it a few times if my girl is out of town

or she's at work. But i rarely keep pornos on hand. I just think

it's un-cool, but I like watching them from time to time.

 

Porno collections? Come on, give me a break. find something better

to do with your time dude.

[Grinning Maniac]

Originally posted by Adunaphel

Quickstand,

I think you made an interesting point.

 

I'd feel a little better about my bf's use of porn if he just looked at it online instead of stashing tons of it on his pc, and if he didn't bookmark the websites.

He said that his porn collection is to him like a collection of stickers(or a baseball players cards!).

His huge porn collection bothers me -the fact that I think he spends a lot of time looking on the internet for new pics also bothers me.

 

Right now it's not really a problem (apart from the fact that it's killing slowly my sex drive) -since we don't live together and see each oter only in the week-ends, but the day we'll live together I will be majorly bugged by what he keeps on his computer.

 

I am afraid he'll look at porn *a lot* also when we'll be living together, which would kill the relationship in a very short time.

 

Even right now I feel that I'd get a little more romance if there wasn't the damn porn!!!!

 

 

Listen...you're clearly missing something when it comes to guys and porn. Don't feel bad, there are a lot of clueless women out there. I'll try to kick some knowledge your way. I don't know how much it will help, but I'm always willing to try.

 

On my laptop, there is a folder nearly 2 gigs in size, filled with all types of porn movie clips. The reason why I hoard them is simple, and I'm almost certain your boyfriend keeps porn for the same reason...

 

Convienience.

 

That's it. There's nothing more to it. You may have had other theories...they're wrong. True, internet porn is all over the internet like white on rice. But finding *good* porn is still occasionally a pain in the ass [i[(no pun intended)[/i]. Sometimes you just don't feel like sifting through a bunch of sites with broken links, sites that toss a million pop-ups at you, and sites that just have overall ****ty porn. I frequent a site that's basically just a big index of links. I can just roll through a bunch of thumbnails until I find girl that looks interesting. No fuss, no muss. But I'm sure some people still go to Google and type in "hur hur show me bewbs". Whatever.

 

The site I visit is fine, but there are occasions where I'd much rather pull something up quickly from my "collection", rub one out, and be on with my day. Masturbation is no more meaningful to me than scratching an itch or taking a leak. Why do you take it so personally that your boyfriend has porn on his computer? Also, why would it be more acceptable to you if he only looked at it on the internet instead of having a stash on his pc? Simply because you wouldn't see evidence of it? I don't think that wouldn't solve the problem at all. I'll bet anything I own that even if you never saw evidence of porn on his computer again, you'd simply worry more intensely about not knowing what he's looking at, or that he's even looking at it in the first place. This will never be a non-issue for you unless you start listening to you boyfriend. He's said himself that it's like a sticker collection. I could make the same comparison. It's obviously not anything personal to him, why is it for you?

 

By the way...you mentioned that you only see your boyfriend on the weekends. You do realize that your boyfriend gets still horny during those other four or five days, right? What do you expect him to do for the rest of the week? Walk around with a perpetual hard-on? As a man, I can tell you honestly that being horny is VERY distracting. It's terrible trying to do work when you're horny and have no outlet for it. That's half the reason that I jack off. I'm horny and I need some quick release because I'm busy. It's not like we plan on jacking off for fun like we make plans to go to the movies or hang out with friends.

 

So tell me, what exactly are your expectations here? You're not making a lot of sense, to be honest. I know women tend to have a problem with logic, but let's look at the big picture. He can only have sex with you two or three days out of the week, and because you're upset about him looking at porn, it's killing your sex drive(your words)...so you're potentially having sex less than would be expected. I have some questions.

 

1) What sense does it make for you to be angry at your boyfriends porn use, given you only see each other on the weekend (and potentially have less sex than normal during that time) and he is still a functioning human being during the rest of the week?

 

2) Is your being upset about it making the situation any better?

 

3) Would you agree that your boyfriend's sexual frustration would likely be of equal annoyance to him, as your problem with him looking at porn is to you? Does that matter to you?

 

4) Aside from your issues with porn turning you off, what does your boyfriend's masturbation take away from the relationship?

 

5) How old are you two? How long have you been going out? I'm just curious about that part. Doesn't have much to do with the other questions.

[Adunaphel]

Originally posted by Grinning Maniac

 

Listen...you're clearly missing something when it comes to guys and porn. Don't feel bad, there are a lot of clueless women out there. I'll try to kick some knowledge your way. I don't know how much it will help, but I'm always willing to try.

 

Thanks, but I'll have probably heard all of this before. I spend a lot of time looking for all posts about "men and porn" I can find on the internet.

I read books about it.

And guess what? Untill less than three years ago (and I was already dating my bf) I thought porn was fine and i was okay with it. People unluckily change. I say un luckily because I felt better at the time.

 

On my laptop, there is a folder nearly 2 gigs in size, filled with all types of porn movie clips. The reason why I hoard them is simple, and I'm almost certain your boyfriend keeps porn for the same reason...

 

Convienience.

 

That's it. There's nothing more to it. You may have had other theories...they're wrong.

 

Actually I asked him if he keeps them only to have a stash of good porn at hand when he wants to masturbate. No, he said the real reason is that he collects them like figurines or stickers. He likes searching the internet for new pics to add to his collection. While he searches for them, he masturbates, and he saves the best ones.

 

I frequent a site that's basically just a big index of links. I can just roll through a bunch of thumbnails until I find girl that looks interesting. No fuss, no muss.

 

My bf does the same.

 

Why do you take it so personally that your boyfriend has porn on his computer?

 

To be precise, I take it personally that he keeps pictures of other women in his computer. Some kinds of porn pics, like close-ups of female anatomy, I'm okay with.

 

Anyway, the main reason is that he *does* compare me to porn stars.

this is a post I wrote some time ago.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t50658/

 

Perhaps if he made it absolutely clear that I'm number one, he'd never swap me for a porn star, porn does not mean nothing to him but I do, I'd have less problems with porn.

 

Also (this is a female thing, I know), if we lived together and I was always available, I would take it personally if he looked often at pics of other women.

 

Also, why would it be more acceptable to you if he only looked at it on the internet instead of having a stash on his pc? Simply because you wouldn't see evidence of it?

 

Yes. I'd appreciate it if at least he kept it on cd-roms (well, his *old* collections are on cd-roms), didn't bookmark the sites and cleared the history.

I feel bad whenever a porn pic pops out from somewhere.

I'd still have a problem with him watching at porn, but at least I'll feel that he cares about my feelings enough not to expose me to pics of other naked women.

It would make the small difference between "I know tha porn upsets you, sorry but I like to use it, anyway I acknowledge your feelings" and "I know that porn upsets you, well that's your problem not mine".

 

I don't think that wouldn't solve the problem at all. I'll bet anything I own that even if you never saw evidence of porn on his computer again, you'd simply worry more intensely about not knowing what he's looking at, or that he's even looking at it in the first place.

 

I'd assume he still looks at it a lot unless he told me otherwise.

 

This will never be a non-issue for you unless you start listening to you boyfriend. He's said himself that it's like a sticker collection. I could make the same comparison. It's obviously not anything personal to him, why is it for you?

 

Because it's *other women*. I don't fantasize about other men. I don't read romance novels. that **** takes away from the relationship.

I think it's disrespectful he keeps a collection of pics of *other women* in his computer.

 

By the way...you mentioned that you only see your boyfriend on the weekends. You do realize that your boyfriend gets still horny during those other four or five days, right? What do you expect him to do for the rest of the week? Walk around with a perpetual hard-on?

 

Of course not. Apart from the fact that he could masturbate without visual aid, if he really needs porn, I'd rather he just looked at it instead of saving pics, or at least that he avoided to save a certain kind of pics.

 

I'd also probably feel not5 that upset if he only used it as a quick release and/or he did not surf the net for porn for hours a time. I think he's neglecting other more important things to look at porn. I think he has an addiction.

 

I'm horny and I need some quick release because I'm busy. It's not like we plan on jacking off for fun like we make plans to go to the movies or hang out with friends.

I'm not so sure about this. I don't think it's this way for all men.

 

So tell me, what exactly are your expectations here?

 

That when and if we'll live together, he deletes or stashes on cds either his entire porn collection or at least the porn pics of naked, young women who are not doing anything (he'll still have thousands left!!!!), that the few ones I find *extremely* upsetting go deleted anyway, and expecially that he uses porn only from time to time and as a release, possibly not in my face.

 

He can only have sex with you two or three days out of the week, and because you're upset about him looking at porn, it's killing your sex drive(your words)...so you're potentially having sex less than would be expected.

 

We're having as much sex as before. But I'm not enjoying it as I used to do thanks to the goddam porn. I feel taked for granted.

I don't get enough romance, but that would not be a problem if there wasn't the porn.

 

1) What sense does it make for you to be angry at your boyfriends porn use, given you only see each other on the weekend (and potentially have less sex than normal during that time) and he is still a functioning human being during the rest of the week?

 

The fact that he masturbates in front of pics of other women makes me feel bad, but I can live with it as long as we don't see each other for 5 days a week.

 

I'd not have big problems if while I'm not there he used only pics of close ups of female anatomy, or porn movies focused on what people starring in them do, and not on the looks of the girls themselves.

 

2) Is your being upset about it making the situation any better?

 

Tricky question

 

3) Would you agree that your boyfriend's sexual frustration would likely be of equal annoyance to him, as your problem with him looking at porn is to you? Does that matter to you?

 

Yes, that's why I decided I can live with his porn collection until we'll live together, and I cry in front of the computer posting on Loveshack in porn thread instead of crying on the phone with him nagging him about the porn.

 

Anyway, if I have to play devil's attorney, he could masturbate *without* certain kinds of "visual aids".

 

4) Aside from your issues with porn turning you off, what does your boyfriend's masturbation take away from the relationship?

 

Right now, not a lot, ...of course if you don't throw in my self-esteem and my sex-drive.

 

It's the future I'm worried about.

 

Right now the worst that can happen is that he can't get a real erection when I'm at his place because he jerked off to porn the day before(it has been happening a lot lately), or that he ignores me on the msn messenger because he's busy looking for new pics for his collection.

 

I also have the feeling -and this might be totally wrong, mind me- that he'd spend more quality time with me if he didn't have the porn.

 

In the few periods he had not porn available at home (no internet connection) he was a lot sweeter to me when we were not together but on the phone/on the internet.

He said that if he fantasizes about me, and I'm not there, he gets frustrated.

So he'd rather uses porn. Now, I don't know how true it is, or whether he said it to soothe me, but when he has no porn available, I get to hear a "I miss you "once in a while. He generally acts nicer. If he is using porn, I might say "I miss you" on the phone and he'd act bored or sarcastic.

 

Oh, its not porn that turns me off. It's the idea of my bf masturbating to pics of other women that turns me off.

 

5) How old are you two? How long have you been going out? I'm just curious about that part.

 

I'm 25, he's 32 and we've been dating for longer than three years.

[zara]

I don't have much time to post anything right now but just wanted to let you know that i admire you for laying yourself bare (sorry, probably an inappropriate turn of phrase!) in your post, since you really didn't have to justify yourself to Grinning Maniac in that way.

 

Perhaps he and some of the other men on here who just 'don't get it' will read your well thought out and intelligent post and realise thatthe choices that they make may involve someone else...

[chica]

Adunaphel: I really feel for you in this situation, and can relate to the emotions it brings up. I had a situation with my bf about a year and a half ago which involved porn, which luckily wasn't as seriously debilitating as this, but was bad enough.

 

I couldn't get my head around the "why?" and "what?" and "what about me?" factors either, and it was very hurtful.

 

One thing I want to ask you is whether other elements of your relationship are good?

I understand you only see each other on weekends.

Is the porn issue dominating the entire relationship?

Do you do things together that you enjoy (non-sexual)?

What would you say is the basis of your relationship?

Would you consider it to be a stable & happy relationship if it weren't for the porn?

Has he been through similar things with previous girlfriends that you know of?

 

Sorry for all the questions - I am trying to get a bigger picture of who you are to one another so I can try and help a bit more.

 

sending you good vibes,

Chica

[Adunaphel]

Chica, thanks for your post.

 

Originally posted by chica

Adunaphel: I really feel for you in this situation, and can relate to the emotions it brings up. I had a situation with my bf about a year and a half ago which involved porn, which luckily wasn't as seriously debilitating as this, but was bad enough.

 

I couldn't get my head around the "why?" and "what?" and "what about me?" factors either, and it was very hurtful.

 

"What about me" is the worst question of all. Did your situation get any better? (I really hope so!!!!)

 

If you feel like sharing it, may I ask you what it was the biggest problem your bf's use of porn created to you? was it a self-esteem problem, or did you feel like he disrespected you, or you feel it took something away from your relationship?

 

One thing I want to ask you is whether other elements of your relationship are good?

 

Good question...some are, some are not. I have some jealousy issues, he has some 'nagging girlfriend' issues, sometimes we have communication problems, but I'd dare say the other elements are generally good.

 

Is the porn issue dominating the entire relationship?

 

No..... Funnily enough, the porn issue is for me a bit like PMS...in the sense that it comes and go, for a few days I'll manage *not* to think about my bf's porn usage, or I won't be upset about it, a few days later I'll be upset and angry about it - upset enough that it will affect me in many ways.

 

Do you do things together that you enjoy (non-sexual)?

 

We enjoy each other's company. I mean, we like to spend time together even if we're not having sex. We do not go out a lot, so we spend non-sexual time together that we enjoy, but we don't do much 'out of the average routine' together.

 

What would you say is the basis of your relationship?

 

Sorry, no clue how to answer this

 

Would you consider it to be a stable & happy relationship if it weren't for the porn?

 

We'd still have relationship problems.

But hey, I consider it a reasonably stable and relatively happy relationship even with the porn

 

Has he been through similar things with previous girlfriends that you know of?

 

He never told me, but I'm positive he never had been thropugh anything similar.

He had never dated a girl for more than a couple of months before, and I don't think porn issues come out that early in a relationship.

 

Also, it doesn't sound like they would have cared about porn, since two of his previous girlfriends were not really girlfriends. One of them had a boyfriend, another was not in a serious relationship with him - it was more a sex-based relationship, she was 7 years older and they got to knew each other on the internet, cybered and then met in person. I think he had really fallen in love with her/had big feelings for her - and she hadn't.

 

His only real girlfriend..... well, they got to know each other in a fraternity where it is normal for girls to take off their clothes in front of other people(guys and girls)in the fraternity , so how on earth could have she had a problem with porn?? Also, she never had sex with him(she was still a virgin, and they didn't date for long) ....one more reason, I think, not to have porn issues.

[moimeme]

In my personal experience I would guess that 95% of women over 30 yrs old have MAJOR issues with pornography.

 

Normally a guess is your 'personal experience' and therefore that's redundant. If you meant to say that your personal experience includes having dated 95% of the women who are over 30, forgive me if I doubt you. Either way, you have no facts to support your claim.

 

Fear of porn is a self-esteem issue. As people get older, they tend to come into their own and develop more self-esteem. Research shows that self-esteem rises throughout adulthood and doesn't drop until old age.

http://research.outofservice.com/publications/self-esteem-lifespan/

 

In fact, one of the biggest problems, IMHO, is seeing a man's interest in porn as something related to oneself. It's not about you. At all. And men will tell women that but women who are all wrapped up in themselves (self-focused attention) refuse to believe that things like this are not all about them. Once you grow up to the point where you stop thinking it's all about you, you realize that porn, like the rest of life, is not about you at all and then it no longer bothers you.

[zara]

Fear of porn is a self-esteem issue.

This can be the case but it is not always so simple - and the self esteem issues can sometimes be part of a chicken and egg type situation.

Once you grow up to the point where you stop thinking it's all about you, you realize that porn, like the rest of life, is not about you at all and then it no longer bothers you.

i think many of the women who object to porn are intelligent enough to realize that it is not necessarily about them - however, they do realize that it effects them and their relationship. But rather than adopting a "this is the way i want my life to be, now deal with it" approach (that many men have towards their porn use) and tell their partner that they do not want this to feature in their life or relationship, many women try to 'cope', i.e. compromise and adjust their behaviour to include this fundamentally (to them) incongruous feature into theri lives at their own emotional and psychological expense.

[GirlDown]

it was alphamale who claimed 95% of women over 30 didn't enjoy porn, not the original poster.

 

you night know this, but i wasn's sure!

[Adunaphel]

Originally posted by zara

 

i think many of the women who object to porn are intelligent enough to realize that it is not necessarily about them - however, they do realize that it effects them and their relationship. But rather than adopting a "this is the way i want my life to be, now deal with it" approach (that many men have towards their porn use) and tell their partner that they do not want this to feature in their life or relationship, many women try to 'cope', i.e. compromise and adjust their behaviour to include this fundamentally (to them) incongruous feature into theri lives at their own emotional and psychological expense.

 

Exactly. (And very nicely said!)

[ribeena]

Okay so what about me? i don't get PMS or buy expensive shoes so what do i have to compare my boyfriends watching porn to?!

[chica]

Adunaphel:

 

"What about me" is the worst question of all. Did your situation get any better? (I really hope so!!!!)

 

Yes there is no longer a "situation". I have no ill-feelings or mistrust surrounding the issues we had re: porn, and there is NO porn in our house anymore. It's different because we live together, and I'm a pretty hard nut to crack. I was deeply affected by the presence of porn in our house and our relationship and when he actually saw how it affected me - he let it go. It took a little while, but my happiness, and the happiness we share was close to being on the line as a result, and he just wasn't prepared to test that. He swore to me that it meant nothing to him and that he never felt good about porn anyway - he hated me seeing him in that light, feeling ashamed of what he did and knowing that I felt so hurt.

 

 

If you feel like sharing it, may I ask you what it was the biggest problem your bf's use of porn created to you? was it a self-esteem problem, or did you feel like he disrespected you, or you feel it took something away from your relationship?

 

A little of all of the above. I think the disrespect is a big one, even more so because he felt he had disrespected us too. He has never been a big porn-freak, more just susceptible to getting drawn into it. I understand that now, but at the time I found it very hard to deal with emotionally.

 

My self-esteem wasn't too knocked around, but it wounded my pride, which is a different thing all together. The main issue with us was actually trust , because he had kept it secret from me for quite a while (though it was fairly infrequent). I felt that he had betrayed me by hiding a part of himself that I had viewed one way and held in very high regard. It's not about sex, it's about intimacy, and being able to share that with the person you love. It's about being the person that they want to share with, which some may say is ego, but I believe that when you have a strong union between 2 people, it needs to be treated with care and there needs to be consideration for both people - their views and emotions - however much they differ from the other person.

 

You said earlier that the problem was that there were pics of other women on the computer, not the anatomy etc. I'm there with you, it's about knowing that you are valued and not just that - you want to be adored, the most appealing woman in the world to the man you love. And I believe that you deserve that.

I wouldn't be able to cope with him being unable to get an erection as a result of jerking off with porn earlier. I'm a very sexual person, and jealous by nature too, so I would feel as though he had been with another woman.

 

It sounds as though your bf simply hasn't outgrown the habit. I know some men would scoff at that comment, as though all men always love porn, but they don't necessarily. Liking it is one thing, having a "collection" is another. It is an addiction, like anything we can INDULGE in can become.

 

Some men grow up and get over it and appreciate real women more than the plastic, stylized, variety. Evolution.

 

Others just put it aside for the sake of their relationship.

 

And then there are those who keep satisfying themselves with it anyway.

 

Power to you Adunaphel, I truly hope things can change and you can be happier with your man

[Adunaphel]

Originally posted by ribeena

Okay so what about me? i don't get PMS or buy expensive shoes so what do i have to compare my boyfriends watching porn to?!

 

The shoes comparison is ridiculous (compare shoes to playstation video-games if you want to, not to porn), and so is the PMS comparison.

 

Compare it to anything you could do that

- is not cheting

- is not flirting with real people

- would make your bf feel bad or insecure if he knew about it

- your bf should not theorically expect you to stop doing, but he could just hope you stopped doing on your own once you know it hurts his feelings/self exteem.

 

Perhaps, leering over other guys' big houses, boats, flashy cars, salaries?

(hey, ^ just kidding!!!!)

[k8-uk]

What's all this self esteem stuff anyway?

 

I could believe it if I thought that porn only bothered me after I'd started having relationships.

 

I had problems with it the first time I saw it.

And sexually, I've been a confident and adventurous lover.

 

I'm also sick of people rolling the whole masturbating/porn thing into one.

I have no problems whatsoever with masturbation. Having the horn can be very distracting, but if you're THAT horny you should be able to sort it out without porn. Sometimes it's just a handy way of getting to sleep.

 

Also, what with the comparisons? There are no equivalents.

Sexually speaking, most women don't have a "Third way"

 

Men have (and I realise I'm generalising) sex with a partner, masturbating without porn, or masturbating with it.

 

Women have sex with their partner, or masturbating. A lot women don't seem to like porn.

 

So we don't have that other thrilling option.

 

I suppose you could say that using a vibrator was similar. No, a vibrator is the equivalent of one of those boxes that have an artificial type vag in (sorry, I can't remember what they are called.)

 

Both contraptions are just a physical improvement on your hand when you're alone.

 

So many times I hear the argument that looking at porn just does a job, and has nothing to do with anything else.

 

Because it works, does that make it ok?

 

A man can get off better if he looks at other women in sexual scenarios.

 

My natural instincts tell me to do all sorts of things that would be enjoyable in the moment.

 

That doesn't make them ok.

 

If you really feel that there is nothing wrong with it, and that a man has a right to jack off to a little porn every now and then, then for Christ's sake BE HONEST ABOUT IT.

 

IT DOESN'T MATTER IF PORN IS RIGHT OR WRONG. Not where relationships are concerned. What matters is that you are honest and keep your promises, or not make them in the first place. I don't EVER remember saying " of course I don't mind if you use a little porn dear"

 

Word of advive to all of you starting new relationship:

Make sure you can agree or come to an agreement about this issue before you properly commit.

 

And ladies, if he says he doesn't use it, never will, and you would be hurt if he did - brace yourself.

 

And please, the whole privacy thing is ridiculous. In most homes nowadays the computer is a shared item. I wasn't looking for porn when I found it.

 

And don't kid yourself that he can have it secretly and it won't damage your relationship. EVERYTHING comes out sooner or later when you live together, and if it really bothers you, then it will always be in the back of your mind, spoiling things a little.