Author Austin Posted December 8, 2004 Author Share Posted December 8, 2004 I have gone to looking at porn by myself too! At first it was something I'd do with him, but after the incident I figured it might help to check it out alone. I have to admit- it doesn't make me feel better yet....... Link to post Share on other sites
scatter Posted December 9, 2004 Share Posted December 9, 2004 wow, I'm extremely appalled as I feel I'm the only person that thinks porn is harmful..., mind you, I AM NOT TELLING YOU HOW TO THINK! I am simply telling you my personal opinion, people seem to get very defensive, which I believe is a pathetic attempt to protect their personal perversive nature. I have studied the effect of pornography on people. and there are far more con's than pro's.... Yes I understand that humans are interested in sex, I'm NOT Bashing sex...masturbation or sexual fantasies- I am however very opposed to pornography.... Especially, in a (supposedly) committed relationship... people keep saying that it's a personal thing, I feel like looking at pornography is like mentally cheating on your loved one, I guess I'm pretty old fashioned so I believe in being pure for the one you marry. and I believe you are contaminating your mind if you use porn... If someone tells you that you are the only one that they want and they still use pornography, they are lying to you. They are being unfaithful to you mentally, they are not compleatly devoted to you if they need to see other women (or men) In sexual situations. ask yourself, aren't you enough? "you're the only one for me baby...... unless the mood strikes me and I feel like jackin' off to pictures of women that are nothing like you, I Don't even care to know their name, No, I'm not sexist, I don't objectify or use these women for their bodies, It's compleatly natural for me to not be faithful, after all...I am a man. but I'm all yours...]." If you look at porn you are not being fully committed i.e there is no place for porn in a committed relationship. If you really love someone enough you won't want to look anywhere else. This is my opinion . if you happen to disagree I'd really like to know your opinion, other than the fact that you like it....I get this but those aren't exactly grounds to go off of. some facts about porn: -There are now more outlets for hard-core porn in America than McDonald's restaurants. -% of serial killers interviewed by the FBI who named hard-core porn their "highest sexual interest": 81% -% of convicted rapists who said they used porn regularly: 86% -% of them who said they imitated favorite porn scenes when committing their crimes: 57% -men have less sexual interest for their spouses after viewing pornography, by rate of hormone outlet and sexual response. - Men who view porn regularly are more likely to be unfaithful. -Average age a male sees his first porn magazine: 11 -150 porn videos are produced in America every week. Link to post Share on other sites
k.j Posted December 9, 2004 Share Posted December 9, 2004 I do not think that viewing porn is a bad thing... Depending on the reactions of both party's!!! She did say that they use to do this before together then she seen him do this alone. Try not to be upset or try not to figure out why he is looking at it alone, Why is it upsetting you, you think that he is comparing you to what he is looking at? Does it make you feel not attractive enough? there has to be a reason why it gets you so upset I look at it, I find nothing wrong with it, but thats me. Call me weird but if something upsets me I nail it right away. I use to look at it as a form of cheating until i seen that it was more for the imagination then anything. Link to post Share on other sites
zara Posted December 9, 2004 Share Posted December 9, 2004 Originally posted by Austin I have gone to looking at porn by myself too! At first it was something I'd do with him, but after the incident I figured it might help to check it out alone. I have to admit- it doesn't make me feel better yet....... -i'm a vegetarian and my partner eats meat - i have cooked bacon several times now but it doesn't seem to help... Austin, Adunaphel - there is nothing wrong with not being into porn!!!! It's just your taste and you are entitled to that!! It worries me how porn has become so normalised in society that that women think they are soemhow dysfunctional if they do not like it As a hetrosexual female i can't say that viweing a woman from a male gaze (and all male orientated porn is made from and for the male gaze) does a thing for me. Maybe you would like female orientated porn or gay porn or maybe pron is just never going to be your bag. There is nothing that says it has to be and don't feel as though you should. Link to post Share on other sites
Adunaphel Posted December 9, 2004 Share Posted December 9, 2004 Originally posted by zara Austin, Adunaphel - there is nothing wrong with not being into porn!!!! It's just your taste and you are entitled to that!! It's not that I feel like I should like it.... it's that I have the idea that if I managed to like it it would make my life easier. If one day I'll be able to look at pics of naked men and get aroused by them, perhaps I'll automatically feel better about my partner's use of porn. Right now knowing that he looks at porn (actually not all porn bothers me, I'm okay -sort of- with movies with people who have sex or with close-ups of female genitals, it's pictures of naked women that I have issues with) and has a huge stack of porn on his computer makes me feel bad and is a huge blow to my own libido. I'm afraid that the day we'll live together this will become a *huge* issue. I've almost stopped fantasizing about my bf because knowing that the person I'm fantasizing about is probably jerking off to picturs of other women ruins any fantasy. I have to find someone/something to fantasize about that would not endanger the relationship. I used to have some fantasies about women and looks at pics of females, but not even that would work now since I've started to hate pics of naked women in general because of my porn issues, and even those pictures that a long time ago would have aroused me now just remind me of my bf's collection of porn and put me in a bad mood. I am starting to think that all the time I spend keeping in shape, shaving my legs, dressing nice, and all the money I spend on pretty lingerie to look more attractive to my boyfriend is wasted on a man that looks at porn so often. Hell, if I liked porn, I could use that time downloading pics of naked men instead. Link to post Share on other sites
zara Posted December 9, 2004 Share Posted December 9, 2004 It's not that I feel like I should like it.... it's that I have the idea that if I managed to like it it would make my life easier. But your life will never get easier in this respect becasue of everything else you say in your post - how about you get an easier life becasue your partner makes you feel desirable and sexy and respects your feelings enough to not jerk off over pictures of other women?! If one day I'll be able to look at pics of naked men and get aroused by them, perhaps I'll automatically feel better about my partner's use of porn. I think that you should acquire some pics of naked men, irrespective of whether or not they do a thing for you, and act as though they do. How would your partner feel if it was you with a stash of hot guys that you sneak off to masturbate over? Trust me, the male ego is a fragile thing and chances are he'd be hugely bothered by it, but men are never placed in that position so they never get to experience it. Right now knowing that he looks at porn (actually not all porn bothers me, I'm okay -sort of- with movies with people who have sex or with close-ups of female genitals, it's pictures of naked women that I have issues with) and has a huge stack of porn on his computer makes me feel bad and is a huge blow to my own libido. See, this is the issue, it's not the sex per se, it's the representation of a female who is not you as an object of sexual desire and stimulation for the man you desire. Hell, if I liked porn, I could use that time downloading pics of naked men instead. Link to post Share on other sites
Adunaphel Posted December 9, 2004 Share Posted December 9, 2004 Zara, thank you for posting! Originally posted by zara But your life will never get easier in this respect becasue of everything else you say in your post - how about you get an easier life becasue your partner makes you feel desirable and sexy and respects your feelings enough to not jerk off over pictures of other women?! I am still trying to make my mind up whether sentences (or mindsets) like "if you respected my feelings, you wouldn't jerk off over pictures of other women" are just plain emotional blackmail or not. Many people here seem to think so, they might be right. I think that you should acquire some pics of naked men, irrespective of whether or not they do a thing for you, and act as though they do. How would your partner feel if it was you with a stash of hot guys that you sneak off to masturbate over? Trust me, the male ego is a fragile thing and chances are he'd be hugely bothered by it, but men are never placed in that position so they never get to experience it. When my bf and I will live together and if I'll still have porn issues, I'll surely try this. It would probably be regarded as 'playing games' by many people on this forum.... I never liked the idea of playing games and that's why I haven't tried this yet even if the idea crossed my mind a lot of times. See, this is the issue, it's not the sex per se, it's the representation of a female who is not you as an object of sexual desire and stimulation for the man you desire. This is _so_ true...to me very X-rated pics of naked women, playboy magazines or very artistic nude photos would be the same. (Now that I think of it, if my bf masturbated in front of pics of half-naked women it would be even worse. ) I feel expecially bad if the pics are of women who look like they are 18. (And I'm only 25). If they are of women who are 30 or older, I don't feel very "threatened", because I think than one day I'll be 30 too. Link to post Share on other sites
zara Posted December 9, 2004 Share Posted December 9, 2004 I am still trying to make my mind up whether sentences (or mindsets) like "if you respected my feelings, you wouldn't jerk off over pictures of other women" are just plain emotional blackmail or not. Many people here seem to think so, they might be right. If put like that then it could be considered blackmail, however, i do not think expressing the way that his actions make you feel and how they effect you is in any way wrong. When my bf and I will live together and if I'll still have porn issues, I'll surely try this. It would probably be regarded as 'playing games' by many people on this forum.... I never liked the idea of playing games and that's why I haven't tried this yet even if the idea crossed my mind a lot of times. I would not consider it playing games, i view it as illustrating your point through experiential learning, i.e. you can tell him until he is blue in the face that this makes you feel threatened and self conscious or whatever, but he is never going to know until he experiences being in that position himself. Have you ever heard of Jane Elliot and her Blue Eyes Brown Eyes experiment? It was designed to teach white children what it was like to be discriminated against on the basis of colour, but i believe the principles apply to gender too. I feel expecially bad if the pics are of women who look like they are 18. (And I'm only 25). If they are of women who are 30 or older, I don't feel very "threatened", because I think than one day I'll be 30 too. lol! be proud of your age, i wouldn't want to be 18 again! The wisdom, maturity and sexual confidence that come with being a fully fledged woman are matters your should bear with pride! I am far more desireable at almost 30 than i was at 18! Link to post Share on other sites
GirlDown Posted December 9, 2004 Share Posted December 9, 2004 Originally posted by alphamale I can not agree with you that lots of women understand porn had have no issues about it. In my personal experience I would guess that 95% of women over 30 yrs old have MAJOR issues with pornography. See this is why porn is not on public display. If it were up to men there would be naked women and sex and all that shyt plastered everywhere and they wouldn't even care what the kids thought. then you're not hanging out with the right chicks... although, i'm 23, which is obviously not over 30. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Austin Posted December 10, 2004 Author Share Posted December 10, 2004 Reading all these posts has made me think about a few things....... Even though I didn't like what happened, it was a single incident: he doesn't save things on his computer or have magazines,and there are no movies in the house. Plus I check out guys when he's not around which I think is similar(though not as vulgar.) Wouldn't you agree that its atleast "human-nature" to check out beautiful people, or people your attracted to? All of my guy friends(and some girls) check out porn on a weekly basis, just because their curious- and he was very embarrassed and apologized many times. Though it didn't make me feel good to catch him- it is my own insecurities that are keeping me upset. Also relationships are about give and take, right? And compromise? I mean, I don't like what happened- but I'm sure he feels the same way when we go out and guys ask me for my number or to buy me a drink.... or when I'm watching a movie and gush about "how hot" a guy is. When I read some of these posts, it seems like there guys out there that are out of control and disrespect woman with this- AND thats why its a problem. So I'm going to try something, I'm going to stay busy and worry about making MYSELF happy...... I'll let you know how it goes:) Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 10, 2004 Share Posted December 10, 2004 Originally posted by zara See, this is the issue, it's not the sex per se, it's the representation of a female who is not you as an object of sexual desire and stimulation for the man you desire. That is brilliant. And so true as a general rule. The anger as a result is understandable. The key is communication and compromise. You can't attack a guy's porn use and make demands that he stop thinking that it is going to work - he won't stop just because you think its "wrong". You have to let him know what it is that really bothers you about it and open some deep lines of communication about it. Then work toward a compromise of some sort that works for both partners. Link to post Share on other sites
zara Posted December 10, 2004 Share Posted December 10, 2004 Originally posted by LucreziaBorgiaThat is brilliant. And so true as a general rule. aw, stop, you're making me blush Then work toward a compromise of some sort that works for both partners. i believe this is why some women like to view porn with their partners, because it ensures that they are part of that desire fantasy - in fact, many view the porn as 'warming up' their man for them so that they are the final stimulus, the ultimate cause of their man's 'money shot' - just like if you walk past KFC and smell food cooking but you then rush home and your wife makes you your favourite ribs then although your hunger was stimulated by KFC, nothing satisfies you like your wife's homemade ribs! I beleive the negotiation has to take place within this context. Some guys might want to stay and press their nose against the window of KFC and the longer they do, the more likely it is that they'll go in and buy a bucket - then they get home and their wife has cooked ribs but they're no longer hungry and the wife gets upset. Perhaps the compromise is to scribble your homecooked ribs on the menu at KFC - i.e. throw in remiders of your own availability as a sexual object - take some sexy pics and put in the stash, make some home movies, whatever you are comfortable with, but i agree with LB, the first step has to be open and deep communication. Link to post Share on other sites
ribeena Posted December 10, 2004 Share Posted December 10, 2004 See my boyfriends encouraged me to look at other men etc - he even bought me the new supposid dirty magazine for women - Scarlett which just has pics of more naked women in it!!! its a no win situation!!! i've even talked to him about how it bothers me that he looks at pictures of other naked women & he said that they weren't me & that he didn't compare me to them etc - but why does he look at them then? cos surely its something hes not getting? oh its just so crap! Link to post Share on other sites
zara Posted December 13, 2004 Share Posted December 13, 2004 Originally posted by ribeena See my boyfriends encouraged me to look at other men etc - he even bought me the new supposid dirty magazine for women - Scarlett which just has pics of more naked women in it!!! its a no win situation!!! See - you open up a men's mag, a mainstream one, not porn even, and it's full of naked woemn, then you open up a women's mag, mainstream like Cosmo or whatever, and it's full of naked women! There is no equal footing i tell you! Ribeena - gay porn, it's the only way forward i tell you! Even if you don't like it, it'll bother the hell outta your bloke, especially if he thinks you do like it! But seriously, there are lots of threads on this topic, have a search and see what you can glean... Link to post Share on other sites
melina Posted December 13, 2004 Share Posted December 13, 2004 I have never ever had PMS. Therefore, my guy is not allowed to watch porn! Thank you guys! Link to post Share on other sites
melina Posted December 13, 2004 Share Posted December 13, 2004 I filled up my car with petrol the other day and went to the cashier to pay. In front of me was this man in a suit (maybe about 55 to 60 years old). He looked very friendly and somehow reminded me of my dad. Then, he put these two porn magazines in front of the cashier and paid for them. My whole impression of this man just changed in a second and I thought: "god, I don't hope he has a wife and children". what I'm trying to say is that if I really really love my boyfriend some fragments of my feelings towards him are like those of a brother or even a father. I make him part of my family and to a certain degree let him "look after me" when I'm down etc. As much as I couldn't handle the thought of my father looking at porn while probably imagining to shove his erect thing up their p...ies, I wouldn't want to see my boyfriend in that light either. It would just destroy a certain image that I have of the future father of my children and my husband. Maybe that's old fashioned but hey. I'm sorry about those graphic words but that's how I feel about it! Link to post Share on other sites
zara Posted December 13, 2004 Share Posted December 13, 2004 Your associated disgust is understandable but at the same time you also have to accept that your BF is a sexual being because you and he have sex! The same as you don't want to think about your father in that way but heck, he must've had sex at least once to produce you! Beleive it or not men do struggle with this too! I've had guys in the strip club press money into my hand and beg me to find another job because "you're so young! i've got a daughter about your age and it'd break my heart if she were doing this!" - i usually smile sweetly and take the money, cuz i'm not as young as i look and every woman in there is someone's daughter, sister, mother, wife etc but these are not associations men want to make when they are seeking erotic stimulation, just as the reverse is true and they would not want their GF, wife, mother, sister to be doing that job! Link to post Share on other sites
ribeena Posted December 13, 2004 Share Posted December 13, 2004 Oooh see yeah this is interesting - what happens when you supposidly settle down etc - do they grow out of it? some do but others are just more inclined to hide it more then! My dad has porn mags altho they're a little dated - ok like the playboy highlights from the 80's but i'd like to think my boyfriend, if he really must, would do the same - instead of buying fresh porn just maybe having the vintage collection from when he was young!!! cos its that whole idea of old men just leering over young women which is a bit sick - they're wives at home having to compare themselves to not only other women, but younger, firmer, fitter women!!! Link to post Share on other sites
ribeena Posted December 13, 2004 Share Posted December 13, 2004 Originally posted by melina I have never ever had PMS. Therefore, my guy is not allowed to watch porn! Thank you guys! Whats this? Do guys really think that cos us women have our "times of the month" that therefore justifys their porn watching? And i suppose the girls in the pornos dont ovulate... of course they dont, they're the perfect women - because they can have sex anytime, anywhere... Us women really dont get it easy do we!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
ribeena Posted December 13, 2004 Share Posted December 13, 2004 GAY PORN is the way forward...i see that now!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
quickstand Posted December 15, 2004 Share Posted December 15, 2004 This is a sensitive Subject. I can see both sides.... I don't own any porn. I'm a 26 year old healthy male. But I have owned a few here and there over the years, usually just one at a time, but end up throwing them out or destroying the tape if I get bored. I've never cared to own any while i've been in a relationship with a girl. Because i too have felt at times, "If I'm with a girl, having normal sex and pursuing a relationship, why do I need Porn?" I also agree that Women now seem to have this pressure to watch it or pressure to be slutty like the girls in the porns and I think that's stupid. However, I don't really see how normal use of a porno for a guy to "jerk-off" when his girl is not around, could be bad. I see it as a way of "Fantasizing". I've actually thought about getting another one. Guys and Gals fantasize all the time. Girls can fantasize about what it would be like to be with Johnny Depp and have all the girl talk they want amongst each other, guys can fantasize about being with Pam Anderson, Doesn't mean they really want to. But they can think about it at least. Guys can look at pornos and see something different from what they got at home, doesn;t mean they want that. I think Every Situation and how the pron is being used, Is Different. In an open relationship, you are entitled to your own privacy. As long as you are faithful to your man/gal and you are true to them and are doing your part in the relationship and maybe every now and then glance at a Porno and keep it locked up, I don't think there should be a problem. But you should also expect your spouse or signif other to do the same, fair is fair. Guys who are on some 'porno craze', keeping a collection, obsessing about it, downloading it all the time, need help. Too much is too much. (1) single porno shouldn't be that bad. A collection? Now we got a problem. tons of it. It's all how it's used. Link to post Share on other sites
zara Posted December 15, 2004 Share Posted December 15, 2004 "If I'm with a girl, having normal sex and pursuing a relationship, why do I need Porn?" Quickstand - i think that most women on here would appreciate your stand on this since it's the use whilst in a relationship that women find difficult to handle. I also agree that Women now seem to have this pressure to watch it or pressure to be slutty like the girls in the porns and I think that's stupid. I think these are two different things. Personally, i'm as slutty as they come and don't have a problem with that! Heck, i'm a stripper, that's my job! But the pressure to incorporate male orientated third party porn (i.e, that which does not star me) into my sex life is something i find unacceptable. I see it as a way of "Fantasizing". Guys and Gals fantasize all the time. They do, but the inequality comes in the fact that women do not have access to magazines or videos featuring Johnny Depp look-alikes tied up with hard dicks straining, their naked bodies covered in crushed strawberries... mmmm, *cough* sorry, got carried away there, where was i? And so it is all how it's used. but that use is by and for men and thus has a disproportionate effect on women that men find difficult to understand. Link to post Share on other sites
quickstand Posted December 15, 2004 Share Posted December 15, 2004 One Other thing, Not to beat a dead horse.... Like I said, I can see both sides. I can side with the women, But I can also side with the Men, To A Point. But I have A Question: If we(guys and gals) Masturbate, what do we think about? Our girlfriends or boyfriends? Sure, Maybe, But what about fantasizing? I'll admit that when I masturbate, I do think about My girlfriend most of the time. BUT, I have thought about another girl here and there, just because i'm fantasizing or letting my mind wander. But it doesn't mean that I really want that girl or really want to F*ck her. I don't see any difference in using a porno in a Healthy way. And if it bugs your spouse or Girlfriend, then keep it discreetly hidden and don't be starting any collections or using the porn in weird ways or obsessing about seeing it all the time. We all have a right to our own privacy. But then again, don't lie about it or deny it if she finds it. Fess up and say that you kept it hid and why you did and how you use it. I think it's truly all how it's used. Link to post Share on other sites
Adunaphel Posted December 15, 2004 Share Posted December 15, 2004 Quickstand, I think you made an interesting point. I'd feel a little better about my bf's use of porn if he just looked at it online instead of stashing tons of it on his pc, and if he didn't bookmark the websites. He said that his porn collection is to him like a collection of stickers(or a baseball players cards!). His huge porn collection bothers me -the fact that I think he spends a lot of time looking on the internet for new pics also bothers me. Right now it's not really a problem (apart from the fact that it's killing slowly my sex drive) -since we don't live together and see each oter only in the week-ends, but the day we'll live together I will be majorly bugged by what he keeps on his computer. I am afraid he'll look at porn *a lot* also when we'll be living together, which would kill the relationship in a very short time. Even right now I feel that I'd get a little more romance if there wasn't the damn porn!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Faye04 Posted December 15, 2004 Share Posted December 15, 2004 Girl, get a grip. You have nothing to worry about. He has the real thang at home. You are getting upset over pages in a magazine the men uses for entertainment. It is just PICTURES. Since he like looking at pictures, why have him take pictures of you nude. If you can't beat them, join them. Link to post Share on other sites
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