Am I abandoning my kids?

[JaelBlue]

I need some honest opinions here.

 

For those who haven't read my other posts, my husband has been verbally, emotionally and occasionally physically abusive our entire 21 years married. My sons are 18 & 19.

 

I have made it known that I want a separation but had not found a place to live that I could afford. Now, an opportunity for me to move out has come up. However, if I leave, my sons will be here alone with their father. I don't worry for them physically but what if he turns his verbal rage on them? Yes, they are adults and maybe this sounds silly of me. Still, I have spent 19 years deflecting his anger so they wouldn't have to deal with it. If I leave now am I abandoning them?

 

Yes, it has to be me that leaves. I can't afford the house and don't want it. If I tried to make him leave it would involve police and restraining orders and a scene that I just can't deal with.

 

Now that I have a chance to escape maybe I am just chickening out? Thoughts?

[2sure]

Ask your boys, they know what their relationship with him is like. They are grown enough to have some insight into your decision . They will know if it will be a relief for the two of you to seperate or if they think he will take it out on them. 18 and 19 is young.

 

This decision has to involve them.

[melissag]

As they are 18 and 19, are they able to find another place to live (if not with you)? I don't like the idea of staying with an abusive spouse at all. I do see your concern, but your sons are adults now - can they make their own decisions about whether to stay or go? Maybe a heads up in advance if you decide to go, so they have a chance to get away too. I can't imagine your sons want you to stay in an abusive relationship either.

 

This is tough . . . sorry you are going through this.

[littlejaz]

In reading your other posts, you said your oldest son was concerned that you would not be there to deflect their father's anger. Do they truly believe that you should continue to live in misery when they should be moving on soon? I am sorry but that is selfish of them. They should care more about their mother than that. No I don't think you are abandoning your adult children. I would offer to let them move with you, even if you are going to a one room studio apartment but let them know they will have to help out with bills and food. They are old enough to understand the reality of finances and soon will be on their own anyway.

 

I'm sorry but it really upsets me that they think you should stay to deflect his anger for them. Maybe they should take a good look at their father and decide for themselves what kind of man he truly is.

[JaelBlue]

Thanks for the replies Melissa & 2sure.

 

They can't come with me because I will be just renting a room from a single woman I know. Ideally I would like to get a place where they can choose to come with me. However, I can't save any money for a security deposit because H controls everything. He knows exactly what I make and dictates what I can spend on groceries. I am not allowed to have anything more. Basically, I have to take what I can get right now. I make enough money to live on - once I am out and able to keep it.

 

I feel like maybe I should stick it out until they are on their own. 18yo will be finishing plumbing school in May and already has job offers, one in another state that includes housing. 19yo is my main concern. He dropped out of pre-law and is in a low paying job while he tries his luck at being a rock star Not only is he probably not moving out any time soon, this is a very sore spot with H and leaving the two together worries me.

 

I don't know. I feel like I am just rambling here. I guess I just need someplace to work this out. Thanks for listening and for any responses.

[JaelBlue]

I'm sorry but it really upsets me that they think you should stay to deflect his anger for them. Maybe they should take a good look at their father and decide for themselves what kind of man he truly is.

 

Thanks for this. It really is the hard truth I need to hear.

[littlejaz]

Have you talked to an attorney? It may be that your husband will have to give some money so you can get a place. Just because he has been in control of the purse strings up until now doesn't mean he gets to control them during a divorce. I would speak with an attorney before making a decision to stay in an abusive relationship.

 

I don't mean to be harsh on your boys, but if your 19yo decided to quit school, he will have to bare the consequences of that decision and accept the type of person his father really is. You cannot protect them forever.

[JaelBlue]

littlejaz, I don't think you were being harsh. Facing reality is harsh for me. What you said is true.

 

In order to retain an attorney to make H pay I need money. The attorney costs more than a security deposit on a small apartment. At this point I just want us all to be safe and at peace. Seems like such a small thing to be so far out of reach.

 

Now that H sees I have one foot out the door he has started the "nice cycle" again and damn if I'm not falling for it. I KNOW better, still I question my own judgement and feel bad for him. This is all so hard.

[littlejaz]

I understand the feeling bad for him. I think most of us go through that. I also understand the falling for it, but you know that it will only get better for a little while. If you do stay, you should start stashing money away so next time you are able to get an attorney. How far is he willing to go to keep you? Get your name on the bank account so you have access to some money. Get a credit card. Quit giving him your money.

 

Have you spoken to any attorneys? Most will give you a free consultation. Talk to them about how you can do this. Also try legal aid. Call the local bar association and see if they have someone who will work pro bono. Go to your local courthouse and talk to the court clerk, they may have resources that can help you. You may be able to file on your own and get yourself in front of a judge who can order your husband to pay for you an attorney.

 

Do you have any record of the physical abuse, such as police reports? See if you can find a women's shelter and ask them for help or advice. Do you have any friends or relatives that can you help you with the retainer? Ask your boss for an advance. I know it is embarrassing to ask but it is better than being miserable and/or in danger. Sell some stuff on Ebay or Craigslist to get some extra money.

 

Just don't give up. Your deserve more out of life than you are getting and there is a way out, you just have to find it.