"lost love" continued

[dazed]

hi, want to thank all who have replied to my first message."lost love" it was the first i have been able to tell anyone . it helped. my wife and i are getting by right now. it is not the same but i am happy that she is still with me. i think if i told her to go she just might.i do not want this. as my daughter and i need her as the final peice of our happy family. i want so bad to save our marriage. i do not want to hurt our 9 year olds childhood. i am not sure how or if i can get my wife back. she still beleives she has found the love of her life. she says she loves me but is not "in love " with me anymore after 14 years of great and happy marriage. i know that you cant trust a on line love but my wife insist it is as real as it can be and just " feels too good to not be real" her online love says the same. he has a family of his own that he is hiding all this from. waiting for the right time to tell them.???? my wife says she wants to meet him in person. i do not want her hurt but i also wonder if passion would drive there first meeting. if would ever happen. she claims that she cant stand seeing me hurt. but she also knows many will hurt if this goes on and once our families find out. she says " they will hate me" they may. i do not want it to go that far. we have great relationship with both our families. i need some type of opinions on what to do? help!!! lost in love and hurting...dazed.

[Tony T]

Your greatest concerns, besides your own feelings, seem to be that of the effects this bizarre affair will have on your daughter and on your families.

 

Your daughter, in the long run, will be much better off without the influences of a mother inclined to irrationally fall in love with people she has never met. What your families think is totally irrelevant. While it may be extremely embarassing to you once the families find out the exact facts, those facts will certainly free you of any and all responsibility for what has happened.

 

You need to look out for yourself and the many years you have remaining on the planet. You are very hurt now and may not understand but you do not need to retain a life with a woman who has declared the end of her romantic love for you. Rather, you should count your blessings and celebrate the fact that that love lasted as long as it did. Very very often, the shelf life of romantic love in a marriage is six months to three or four years tops. Only on very rare occasions does that variety of love go beyond that.

 

It seems you still have a companionate love, which is actually the best and most stable. Romantic love, if all goes well, usually evolved to that in a marriage. However, with the Internet and the temptations it presents, your wife thinks she has once again found the love of her life because she has been able to manufacture a new set of fireworks in her head for some man she hasn't met who knows what to type on instant messages and what to say on the phone. BARF!!!

 

The Internet has, therefore, created a monster in your wife. She knows what her mind is capable of doing now. The drugs that cause a romantic high in the brain are like any other narcotic. In addition to creating a euphoric feeling within the individual, they are addictive. If this situation doesn't work out...which I doubt it will...she will look for another "fix."

 

Right now, you are numb and in denial. This hurts like nothing else can. But it does get better. Eventually you will be extremely angry about all of this and will want little to do with your wife.

 

I strongly urge you to get counselling for this. Most men would have kicked a woman like this out of the house. But the nice man you are, you simply need to understand that right now your wife is thinking about herself first, your child second, and you are somewhere down the line. You need to think about you and your child. Consider your wife temporarily insane because what she is doing is certainly that.

 

Prepare yourself to move on with your life, irrespective of what any relatives, friends, or anyone else may think. And keeping up a front for your daughter will not be constructive...you can consult a therapist on that issue. Your daughter will sense and eventually confirm what is going on and will be more severely damaged if she is forced to remain with a mother and father who are having the kind of relationship your's has evolved into.

 

I really don't think your families will hate your wife. I think they will know that she is crazy and be very happy she is on her way. For a woman willing to do something as bizarre as this, her inordinate concern about how others will perceive her behavior is rather anomalous (odd).

 

This situation is not the business of anyone except you and your wife at this time. You must deal with it accordingly. Of course, keep your daughter's best interests in mind...but I don't think your daughters interests are served by having her insane mother hang around just for looks. Visitation may even be a bit of a problem but that's down the road. She's old enough to know she will be visiting her mother with some fruitcake she met in a chatroom.

 

Do what you have to do and don't worry about what friends and relatives will think. This is your life, not theirs.