How can i get over this???

[soooconfused]

I am still trying to figure out how to deal with this. Me and my wife have been separated for almost 2 years now. We have been back together for almost 6 months, getting ready to move into a new house together in Feb or March. We have a 5 1/2 yr old daughter together.

 

I am causing all kinds of problems because i cant get over the fact that she slept with 2 people while we were separated. I slept with 4 but this does not ease the pain of knowing what she did. I grill her over and over again about what she did with these guys and then call her a liar because i dont believe she is telling me everything. It is literally killing our relationship. I know she loves me, i know she wants to be with me, i trust her 100%. What the hell can i do to get over this so i can focus on our relationship. I am worried that my concerns are becoming way to destructive and will eventually end up pushing her away.

 

Anyone else ever go through this and if so how did you manage to deal with it? If you havent been through it any advice would still be greatly appreciated.

 

ps - already tried the counseling route.

[missopinionated]

ARE YOU KIDDING???

 

You are worried about what happened in the PAST?

 

Did you notice that not matter how often you "grill her", the past is still the past?

 

To quote Lady McBeth (yes, from Shakespeare), "What's done is done and cannot be undone."

 

Frankly, I think you're obsessed.

 

What is good for you is also fine for her. Get OVER yourself.

 

I guarantee your relationship will NOT last if you continue to be a jealous, controlling, guy who has different sets of rules for himself and his partner.

 

If you've already tried counseling and you already know this is a problem, then, unless you are willing to let it go, you're going to have this roblem for ever and every.

 

By the way, this is YOUR problem, not hers, so don't try to have her fix it for you. She can't change the past any more than you can -- no, you're not god, sorry to say.

 

Yeah, you're so right that YOUR issues are going to ruin your relationship. If you're into self-fulfilling prophecies, then keep it up. If you want a decent marriage, then GET OVER IT.

[humph..]

That is the most HILLARIOUS thing i have ever heard.

 

You are a hypocrite. You sleep with twice as many women and you have A PROBLEM with her sleeping with others while you WERE NOT EVEN TOGETHER??

 

Your problem isn't that you are ruining your relationship. your problem is that you are controlling and insecure..

You have no right to feel that way- and if you continue to do so- it is warped beyond belief.

 

Men like you define the word misogynist.

[ntovrhm]

I realize that you have been coming back to this board over deep-seeded insecurity issues over this. I'm not sure if anyone can tell you anything different accept that you have to stop obsessing over this, or you will ruin everything.

 

If therapy doesn't work, or if you refuse to go, then I'm not sure what else you can do except to find something more productive to occupy your mind. Stop asking questions about it and forget it!!!!!!

 

Point blank, force yourself to stop thinking about it. Only you have control over that. If the fear of ruining this second chance isn't enough to stop your obsession over this, then I'm not sure what else to tell you.

 

You know you are being unfair to her.

 

Maybe some guys who have been obsessive over this type of thing can give you some pointers, but I'm not sure what type of answers you expect to get that don't involve you consciously getting a grip over this.

 

I do wish you luck, for the sake of your child and your marriage.

[ntovrhm]

Okay, been thinking about it, and the only advise I can give you in helping to deal with are to ask yourself why you are so jealous and angry over this?

 

If is because you think they may be better than you, or perhaps brought feelings out in your wife that you can't, then you just have to assume the following:

 

"My wife is back with me because I am better than them. I can assume that anything that happened in those past relationships is nothing compared to what I have done for her, and can do for her in the future."

 

Unless you make this assumption, and say it to yourself over and over again, you will have problems.

 

If you are mad at HER because of what she did, you are wrong and have to get over it.

[reservoirdog1]

A good thing to bear in mind if you get the urge to ask her questions about who she was with in those two years:

 

You two were separated. Given that you slept with other women in that time, it sounds like there was an understanding that you two were finished, and no longer had any obligation to each other.

 

Therefore, she is under NO DUTY to justify or explain herself for her actions during those two years. She doesn't owe you an apology, an explanation, or any information whatsoever. Similarly, you don't owe her those things either.

 

Basically, you two are starting from scratch and building something new, from the ground up (leaving aside the fact that you have a daughter). So, just think of her as somebody you're starting anew with, who no doubt has a history before you. They wouldn't owe you any explanation either.

 

I wish this boiled down to something other than "get over it", but it doesn't. So if you want your reconciliation to succeed, GET OVER IT.

[NatoPMT]

do you feel the need to question her about people she was with before you and her met? its comparable, you werent together. does she know about your 4?

[supermom]

I am causing all kinds of problems because i cant get over the fact that she slept with 2 people while we were separated. I slept with 4 but this does not ease the pain of knowing what she did. I grill her over and over again about what she did with these guys and then call her a liar because i dont believe she is telling me everything.

 

You do need to get over it or it will ruin what you are trying to rebuild. Also calling her a liar after she tries to explain it to you (even though she shouldnt) is another nail in the coffin.

 

You slept with twice as many people as she did. Does she grill you? You just need to move past this if you want this relationship to work.

 

Good Luck

[soooconfused]

thanks for the responses, they all make perfect sense to me. What eats me alive is thinking she is lying to me about what she has told me. What if it was 3 people instead of 2, what if it was 5 people instead of 2? Should this concern me? Is this any of my business? She does not grill me about what I have done and trust me, I respect her 100% for it. I wish I was as strong as she is when it comes down to it.

[ntovrhm]

What eats me alive is thinking she is lying to me about what she has told me. What if it was 3 people instead of 2, what if it was 5 people instead of 2?

 

First of all, what you two did when you were separated really isn't any of your business. It had nothing to do with you. I can understand being curious, but I have learned that it isn't always healthy to delve into such questions. I'm sure she is telling you the truth, but you can't even handle that! Even if she had been with 5, as opposed to your 4, would you hold that against her? And if so, why? It is in the past, and she wasn't doing anything against YOU!

 

Should this concern me? Is this any of my business?

 

No, it's just not fair.

 

She does not grill me about what I have done and trust me, I respect her 100% for it. I wish I was as strong as she is when it comes down to it.

 

Yes, and learn from her.

 

For some reason, you are not trusting her, and you have not expressed any reason that you shouldn't trust her, except it seems you are afraid that she knows you are being so judgmental that she can't confide in you, because you will just use it against her. This is the impression that I get from your posts.

 

It is almost like you are looking for a reason to validate your own insecurities in this situation, so you are trying to sabotage the relationship so that you have some justification for your obsessive perceptions.

 

It is a no-win situation. Someone I knew once described a situation such as this setting up the toy soldiers just so that you can get the relief/satisfaction of knocking them down.

 

You finally have would you have been trying to build, but in the same respect you can be validated if it all falls apart just like it did the first time, so you don't have to face up to the fact that you may have done something wrong in the first instance to screw things up.

 

I'm not trying to harsh, and I do not really know what is going on with you, but I am just throwing out food for thought.

[sweetpea01]

It is NEVER fun to think of the person you love with anybody else. But, given that at the time she was starting a new life, what exactly did you expect her to do? Sit at home and be celibate while you were out doing far more than she was? She didnt think she would ever be with you again...the promise that you made to one another was no more.

This doesnt make any sense, other than its just disturbing to you (fair enough)...but you really have to move on and realize that it had nothing to do with you.

 

My ex-bf cheated on me a long time ago, and I was so hurt by it, that we broke up the second I heard. We got back together eventually (a few months later), and I had slept with ONE guy in the meantime. I told him about it b/c he really wanted to know for some reason. Anyway, he had the audacity to even complain about that! He had gone out on some dates, but I don't think he had sex.

 

Anyway, moral of the story...she was not yours at the time. When I did what I did, I didn't think about if it would hurt him, b/c I didnt have him to answer to, it was over. Just understand that that period of time was hers to do as she pleased. She didn't do it to spite you, she just didnt ever see herself with you again, and it didnt matter. And you shoulndt care!!!! How would u feel if she grilled you day in and day out for sleeping with 2X the people!

 

Sweetpea

[Merin]

Originally posted by soooconfused

thanks for the responses, they all make perfect sense to me. What eats me alive is thinking she is lying to me about what she has told me. What if it was 3 people instead of 2, what if it was 5 people instead of 2? Should this concern me? Is this any of my business? She does not grill me about what I have done and trust me, I respect her 100% for it. I wish I was as strong as she is when it comes down to it.

 

Thats interesting.. would it be a deal breaker for YOU IF she did sleep with 5 other people? IF she did every single sex act in the book with only 1?

 

YOU slept with 4 other people.. does that mean that you NOW don't REALLY love her? Should it be a deal breaker for HER that you had 2 more lovers in the past 2 years then she did? Is it really tit for tat?

 

Heres the kicker.. you want her to tell you EVERYTHING.. so she does.. then you get pissed about it, call her a liar and wonder if *maybe* this is going to ruin your relationship.

 

Bah!

[missopinionates]

YAH! What he/she said!

 

Can you say "Double Standard"?