Fear that your heart chooses your ex and will never let go.

[Vinsanity1307]

As usual here is my original story comments still appreciated..

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/417902-dumped-after-5-years

 

I had two good days back to back thurs and friday for the first time since the BU 3 months ago and after that it was all down hill from there for some reason. I wake up go to work and visit my parents everyday and am just on autopilot everywhere. A zombie if you will.. I was told that with me it seems like the lights are on but no one is home. I have been taking peoples advice on here but still seem to long for her alot, and reminiscing on our great moments, the sex, and that I dont have that anymore..I have an app in my phone that I write down all the negative aspects of being with her and the annoyances and its a long list but she is still on the pedestal 3 MONTH LATER!!!!.... My greatest strength has always been my heart but it has always been my greatest weakness as well(clearly). I fear that my heart chose her and thats it it wont let go. I am afraid that this is how I will continue to feel cause of the way I am..

 

Its so pathetic that I am even listening to Chers Do you believe in life after love" to help me..I know not what I usually would be doing..Its sad and pathetic... I am seeing a counselor for those who dont know but my confidence and personality are gone and I am just an empty body...I still love my ex very much even after all the pain...I just will never understand for people that were together for a while 5 years in my case can just stop loving you..and give up out of no where...whether they get new jobs, or find someone else.......I am just alone in the dark and thats how it will be always with me it seems....

[crederer]

Oh hell ya man. I'm almost 7 months in and I feel that way most days.

 

I did have about 4 months in the middle there that were pretty good emotionally but then had a bunch of other personal things happen to me and it all kind of boiled over.

 

A couple weeks ago I broke down and cried about it to my mom and I don't think I've cried in front of her since I was 10 years old.

[Vinsanity1307]

Oh man 7 months huh? I cant say I am looking forward to that. I dont know if I can go that long..It hurts so much now....I know what you mean with the personal ****...Same here as well....But the majority of it is cause of her leaving...

[Lizrd3000]

7 months, and still..?

 

I'm only 2 weeks today and I can't go on for another 6.5 months man.. what..?

[organizedchaos]

7 months, and still..?

 

I'm only 2 weeks today and I can't go on for another 6.5 months man.. what..?

 

Just because it takes one person 7 months doesn't mean it takes everyone 7 months.

[Vinsanity1307]

Anyone else?

[templeofmax]

Almost 6 months of me trying to reach out sometimes and her ignoring me and ending a 2.5 year relationship after another stupid fight because of her vast insecurities!!! Her family treated me and my sister like garbage only because my ex invented stories in her head about her not being priority over my sister for crying out loud!!! I was not a saint, but I gave soo much to her, and don´t deserve this immature treatment from her!!! I guided her towards looking for help for her insecurities, gave so much of myself and all she could see is how I wasn´t a robot to comply with her every need!!!! Otherwise she was a giving humble girl, so I do miss her in that sense, but when I think about how ****ed up she ended things I get so angry! So its been a rollercoaster.

 

I am back to my funny self, started working out again, being a bit more social, but still think of her more that I would want to, and wonder if she does the same. So you will get there, outside of the depressive zone, but I am afraid it will take a while to start accepting it as an over thing, and move on!! I don´t think right now I could go without seeing her again as the anxiety kicks in, less than before, but still there, and believe when I actually go NC for good she will eventually reach out, and I hope by then it will too late for her! But sometimes I think of going to her place and talking to her so she can´t ignore me and I can at least get to say everything I have been keeping inside for 6 months, in a good way of course! So yeah, depression and sadness leads to nostalgia, anger, all the while you go back to your self and you realize that you have changed for the better!!!

[Salvatore85]

Aww Vin, I'm sorry dude. What you seem to be going through is rough but you're still kicking. You're here posting so that means you're strong enough to seek help and that's a damn good start. I honestly wish I had better advice because you seem like a great guy but unfortunately I don't know what to say beyond what I've posted in your other threads? I wish you the best man, keep your head up.

[headinthecloud]

Negative thinking is addictive. Try to break free of the pattern and choose to look at the positive.

 

You are responsible for your own happiness. Try to foster some new habits. Here's a good article on the 21 habits of supremely happy people.

 

The Habits Of Supremely Happy People

 

Keep looking for the silver lining and rise above the clouds.

[Jord11]

8 months for me been in nc since March not one word, do I still miss her hell yes I do I'm still trying to let go but it is a bit better, she left saying she didn't love me anymore when I loved her with everything, it gets better but it is so tough

[AHaze]

Anyone else?

 

Yeah, there's plenty of us... trust me.

 

We pass through here and read threads like yours, most of us are tired of writing the same response and advice over and over again...

 

The advice is: None, you'll do what ever your personality & mind wants to do regardless.

 

The response: Time and ONLY time will help, took me around 14 months of no contact until I noticed myself wake up in the morning feeling happy in myself and feeling myself genuinely moving on...

 

We all try to force it, sleep around, party hard, work up inner hatred, pretend to be happy... cry alone, watch break up movies, flirt with every girl you know, talk on forums...

 

Eventually, sooner or later, no matter how hard you forced and pretended to heal... you'll catch yourself in the moment thinking "damn, I love that girl, I miss her"... and catch that indescribable tormenting feeling of just wanting somebody you love but can't have...

 

Time goes by at 1million miles per hour, and 18 months later you wake up being able to breathe again, confused about the fact that you actually feel happy again... find a new love in yourself, wanting to better yourself in every way, get healthy, get richer, notice you've got a crush on the new girl at work, and thinking about your ex is no longer a mental torture... it becomes a finished chapter of your life that was so hard to deal with but so satisfying in the end...

 

It's weird, "time heals" is not just a cliche, it is the proven truth.

Edited October 16, 2013 by AHaze

[flight E]

Everything someone says they love thier exs am surprised. Am not saying you can't miss someone or feel sometin but most of the time it's not love. Especially when that person deliberately hurt you in a callous way. We humans are not configured that way. So really search yourself to love someone that hates u is more a need for validation or a result of bruised ego or selfhatred or a combination of all the above but it's not love

[libertyme]

It's almost 3 weeks for me now. Sometimes i'm sane but some other times i'm insane thinking of my ex who dumped me. it's like he's replaying in my mind. the last words he said when he dumped me.

this is a wreck.

but we can do it eventually, we can be FREE!

[Eggplant]

We humans are not configured that way.

Would you please explain? I don't understand your post.

[flight E]

Sory if the post is vague. I mean in truth human beings cannot love someone that hates you. That why if,you by chance you are a christian, christ said to love those that love you is normal but to love your enemies is what is expected of Christians.

 

What I am trying to say is that a normal human being cannot actually love someone that humiliates and treats you unfairly. You can miss the times you were together, you may need validation. your ego may be bruised and you feel getting her back will soot it but you cannot really love that person. There are instances where in a breakup you know this person didn't set out to hurt or humiliate you and did thier best to remain honest and straight with you. In such instances its possible to still feel love. I hope am clearer now

[Vinsanity1307]

Here is my original story.... Comments really appreciated...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/417106-dumped-after-5-years

 

 

Just a really rough night right now. The thoughts of my ex with another man is crippling me. And how after not even a week she was talking with her ex FWB. Knowing her house is 50 yards away from my apartment is terrible as well. She is so close yet so far away... . I went for a jog, didnt help, working on a "project" that doesnt help either. The nights are the absolute worst. It seems there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I have also been having thoughts of if i was dead would she even care? It seems like there is no exit from the pain. I am not going to do anything but the thoughts are swirling. The pain is just so unbearable...Its so pathetic after 3 and a half months...

[Haydn]

FS. I am with you all the way here. Feeling identical. Its terrible at the moment. Cannot concentrate on anything. Piece by piece i feel i am coming apart. Take care. Haydn

[Transplant]

I think one of the hardest parts is that every breakup is something new; breakups are not something you ever really get used to, nor should you. If I date someone, and maybe it's just me, at least now that I'm in my late 20s, it's because I could see myself being with them for longer than a few weeks and casual coffees.

 

I dated a girl that eventually moved across an ocean to be with me and we lived a very much fairytale life when I was a grad student. She ended things when we both moved back to the states. She said everything that I wanted a wife to say but despite everything I put in and gave her, it wasn't enough. A year later she got in contact with me, reminiscing about our time together but it was over. She got engaged and when her dream ended with me, she found a new dream. I have looked back on every letter we sent each other and it's odd how it all doesn't mean the same anymore, for either of us.

 

My last relationship ended two months ago and it was similar to the aforementioned one; we planned our wedding and believed we were the missing piece in each other's lives. She ended things without an explanation and still has my most memorable things. I think about her everyday; she was the one that got away and I was the same to her.

 

Even after the first real nasty breakup with the girl that moved across the world, I wasn't prepared for this. It's hard not to take it all personally but do your best not to. As much as it doesn't feel this way now, there will be a time that I will be happy for her and there will be a time when you'll look at this girl, even if it's from afar, through a different lens. The sucky part is what to do in-between. I've tried all the distractions, believe me, hell I even got a puppy that I have poured my companionship into but of course none of it is the same as being with 'her'.

 

These girls each had a time in my life and I in theirs. You won't be able to get that time back and they won't be able to give theirs back to you but it is this time thing that you have more of. I hope she's the last one to ever break your heart much in the same as I hope this last girl for me was the last one that will ever break mine but even if they aren't the last one to rip up your life's fabric, there will be more time. Keep the faith, my friend, and I hope someday I can actually heed my own words on it, but like you, right now, I simply can't. There hasn't been enough time...yet...

[reddragon588]

Bro, whatever you're doing isn't working. You need to completely change your routine. Write down your typical schedule of a day, look at it and ask yourself how you can completely change it. You're letting the pain become a routine. You need to build a new routine.

[Zoe Lilith]

I understand how you feel. I am going thru an emotional roller coaster since my ex lied to me and then dumped me. It's been a month now, and I am not able to think about anything else. I just hope that this isn't going to take another few months, I am not sure that I can handle it! :-(

[Vinsanity1307]

I know nothings working, It just seems like an endless cycle that will never end....Believe it or not I have been taking peoples advice on here but for some reason she over powers everything(thoughts)....

[Simon Phoenix]

I know nothings working, It just seems like an endless cycle that will never end....Believe it or not I have been taking peoples advice on here but for some reason she over powers everything(thoughts)....

 

You need to sack up and try harder then. I think you just give up when these thoughts start coming. Maybe you need to move or something -- do something to jolt yourself out of this. Because you dwell and dwell and dwell and dwell some more. You need to make some progress dude. Go to counseling, get angry, do something.

[Victoria M]

Hey there

 

My heart breaks for you.

 

I have this thought and I actually registered specifically to express it. It seems to me that your ex has NPD or narcissistic disorder. I have just ended relationship with a man with full blown NPD and only now starting to make sense of it all...

 

It hurts you so much because your mind and heart are confused. You were probably abused: emotionally and verbally, without really realizing it.

NPDs also love to come back after NC to only hurt, devalue and discard you further. They don't know how to love. It is all about their needs and filling their need for attention. You are just a supply to them. I strongly encourage you to google NPD personality disorder and read peoples comments and experiences with NPDs. Its probably the hardest relationship to get over because they are master manipulators and get into your head like noone else. Sex is also always amazing with them, but it is used as a form of control, as anything with them.

[BC1980]

I know nothings working, It just seems like an endless cycle that will never end....Believe it or not I have been taking peoples advice on here but for some reason she over powers everything(thoughts)....

 

Okay, you have got to stop thinking about this girl and the past relationship. It is probably one of the most detrimental things you can do. I also really think you should seek counseling. You seem very much in despair, and you could certainly benefit from walking through this process with a counselor.

[Victoria M]

The 3 Phases of a Relationship With a Narcissist | Ladywithatruck's Blog

 

I like this one for starters...

 

and this one: 13 Signs Your Wife or Girlfriend is a Borderline or a Narcissist | A Shrink for Men

 

Not sure if that helps, but I also could not find any answers on why I can't move on until I realized that I was not the root of all evil...I also had anxiety--and felt as I am going through a full blown withdrawal.

 

just hoping it may make sense to you...

Edited October 22, 2013 by Victoria M