Fear that your heart chooses your ex and will never let go.

[happydate]

As usual here is my original story comments still appreciated..

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/417902-dumped-after-5-years

 

I had two good days back to back thurs and friday for the first time since the BU 3 months ago and after that it was all down hill from there for some reason. I wake up go to work and visit my parents everyday and am just on autopilot everywhere. A zombie if you will.. I was told that with me it seems like the lights are on but no one is home. I have been taking peoples advice on here but still seem to long for her alot, and reminiscing on our great moments, the sex, and that I dont have that anymore..I have an app in my phone that I write down all the negative aspects of being with her and the annoyances and its a long list but she is still on the pedestal 3 MONTH LATER!!!!.... My greatest strength has always been my heart but it has always been my greatest weakness as well(clearly). I fear that my heart chose her and thats it it wont let go. I am afraid that this is how I will continue to feel cause of the way I am..

 

Its so pathetic that I am even listening to Chers Do you believe in life after love" to help me..I know not what I usually would be doing..Its sad and pathetic... I am seeing a counselor for those who dont know but my confidence and personality are gone and I am just an empty body...I still love my ex very much even after all the pain...I just will never understand for people that were together for a while 5 years in my case can just stop loving you..and give up out of no where...whether they get new jobs, or find someone else.......I am just alone in the dark and thats how it will be always with me it seems....

 

I know how you felt my friend! I had been in your position as well, though this woman I dated with had an ex-husband and ex FWB on the side. Anyhow what you did that kept her wanting you like mad was the "don't care attitude". This kept her wanting to change you by playing games with you. One of their best weapon for this type of women is SEX. She's horny and she's willing to do the wild sex most normal women don't like anal, oral, creampies galore and beastiality type stuff. When I was with my ex then, that's what she wanted to do to please me. It was great especially all the sex we had ended with creampies. She took all the risks, but then ofcourse I realize I was taking some risks too! Just like you, when I started to care about her well being, she switched into a bitch and then go back to her ex-FWB or ex-hubby who would give her the don't care attitude. So basically she was sleeping with them and me unprotected. You would imagine the STI scare I had after I broke up with her.

 

In reality, these women treat you like a FWB. There was never a relationship. You as her boyfriend meant only to stroke your over-inflated ego. If you continue to play the don't care attitude and treat her poorly, you can still screw her more believe me. In my case, it was clearly getting out of hand and she was driving my self-esteem right underground. The way she treated me was like her treating you. Afterwards, the recovery was painful.

 

Just hang in there. I know the only thing that is pulling you back were the fantasies you guys had sex wise. Remember that's what she kept you on the hook for 5 long years and she satisfied your sexual desires for the most part right? So why long for her? You loved her because of the sex and the oxytocin, but she's already decided from the get-go that she wants to use men and punish them. She enjoys it and she probably gets a big high when she confess to her girly friends on girls night. In her mind, you are dumb but with a great c*ck and a good ****. That's all.

 

Just in case you guys had unprotected sex, I would highly recommend yourself get tested! These girls don't give a crap if they get infected or not. All she cares about is sex and manipulation. It's a sick game, so why are you still thinking about her?!?

 

If you decide in the future that you want to get yourself involved with these women, they are only good for a **** or two with your don't care attitude, which in turn actually make you look like a jerk. That's why these women are attracted to. But you want to date healthy secure girls that will treat you right and yet give you all the sex you need.

 

Stay away from her and her messy drama! And delete all her photos and your sex videos if you guys made any.

[Zoe Lilith]

I am fine for awhile, and then, out of nowhere comes that fear...I am not a person who sits at home and cries about something that is lost or not meant to be. I used to believe in the classic saying: 'let it go, there s planty fish in the sea, he/she isn't worth it'....for some reason, I just don't seem to be able to let go. I am aware of that, I am aware how pathetic and stupid all this is, that it's making me mad. Then I got a friend saying. 'you're soulmates', whch makes me even more angry. I am angry at myself for allowing this to happened, to get hurt and leid to.. even try to focus on the bad things he said, but it isn't helping!

[happydate]

Hey there

 

My heart breaks for you.

 

I have this thought and I actually registered specifically to express it. It seems to me that your ex has NPD or narcissistic disorder. I have just ended relationship with a man with full blown NPD and only now starting to make sense of it all...

 

It hurts you so much because your mind and heart are confused. You were probably abused: emotionally and verbally, without really realizing it.

NPDs also love to come back after NC to only hurt, devalue and discard you further. They don't know how to love. It is all about their needs and filling their need for attention. You are just a supply to them. I strongly encourage you to google NPD personality disorder and read peoples comments and experiences with NPDs. Its probably the hardest relationship to get over because they are master manipulators and get into your head like noone else. Sex is also always amazing with them, but it is used as a form of control, as anything with them.

 

A narcisstic person is attracted to another narcisstic person, because it does take 2 to tango. One is manipulating to gain sex (the man) and the other is manipulating to get the supply. As long as the couple play the same attitude, then the relationship will continue on until one wakes up and leaves it.

 

Both individuals have a different level of NPD and that through relationships, the one that leaves and heals cure any remaining signs of NPD and will then be able to attract people without NPD. NPD starts with family upbringing and only you as an individual can heal from this. Any relationship be it sexual or platonic simply provide trigger points to realize the problems each individual has.

 

To say one has NPD and the other does not is not the correct assessment. Like attracts like and human relationships provide a mirror of our own selves through the actions of the opposite individual.

 

Hope this helps.

[Victoria M]

A narcisstic person is attracted to another narcisstic person, because it does take 2 to tango. One is manipulating to gain sex (the man) and the other is manipulating to get the supply. As long as the couple play the same attitude, then the relationship will continue on until one wakes up and leaves it.

 

Both individuals have a different level of NPD and that through relationships, the one that leaves and heals cure any remaining signs of NPD and will then be able to attract people without NPD. NPD starts with family upbringing and only you as an individual can heal from this. Any relationship be it sexual or platonic simply provide trigger points to realize the problems each individual has.

 

To say one has NPD and the other does not is not the correct assessment. Like attracts like and human relationships provide a mirror of our own selves through the actions of the opposite individual.

 

Hope this helps.

 

Yes and no. Narc are also attracted to people in vulnerable states, ones who are kind and loving and giving. Narcs pick their victims and victim profiles are all different. From my experience, Narcs don't pick Narcs. As that would not allow for their desire to dominate and control the other. Narcs often pick people with co-dependency issues.

[Zoe Lilith]

Yes and no. Narc are also attracted to people in vulnerable states, ones who are kind and loving and giving. Narcs pick their victims and victim profiles are all different. From my experience, Narcs don't pick Narcs. As that would not allow for their desire to dominate and control the other. Narcs often pick people with co-dependency issues.

I 100% agree with that.

[Victoria M]

A narcisstic person is attracted to another narcisstic person, because it does take 2 to tango. One is manipulating to gain sex (the man) and the other is manipulating to get the supply. As long as the couple play the same attitude, then the relationship will continue on until one wakes up and leaves it.

 

Both individuals have a different level of NPD and that through relationships, the one that leaves and heals cure any remaining signs of NPD and will then be able to attract people without NPD. NPD starts with family upbringing and only you as an individual can heal from this. Any relationship be it sexual or platonic simply provide trigger points to realize the problems each individual has.

 

To say one has NPD and the other does not is not the correct assessment. Like attracts like and human relationships provide a mirror of our own selves through the actions of the opposite individual.

 

Hope this helps.

 

Yes and no. Narcs are also attracted to people in vulnerable states, ones who are kind and loving and giving. Narcs pick their victims and victim profiles are all different. From my experience, Narcs don't pick Narcs. As that would not allow for their desire to dominate and control the other. Narcs often pick people with co-dependency issues. Narcs need supply (attention, admiration, financial gains, sex..whatever) to function and to protect their true identity. Deeply inside they are not happy with themselves as they lack ability to truly love unconditionally. Codependents and inverted-Narcs are great as sources of supply for Narcs. Narcs leave when they don't have anything more to gain from you and when they broke you down on all levels: emotionally, mentally and abused you in many ways. Sex is a form of control for Narcs. They put it on you heavily in the beginning, get you addicted to them and then start to withhold it from you as a form of punishment for your "disobedience" (e.i when you start questioning their behaviors and even slightly show that you actually have some needs of your own...). With my narc, he was attracted to my loving and happy personality: traits that he could never experience in himself. It is a messed up game. There is no winning at it.

[sambo77]

Vinsanity...sorry for your pain buddy. I'm not a fan of the "man up" brigade in this sort of situation. I actually think that manning up, pretending we aren't vulnerable, trying to push vulnerability away, denying it exists...is one of the greatest flaws of modern society. And we will suffer for that as we evolve into an isolated, disconnected society. We already are. People truly connect through showing their vulnerable selves...not by hiding it away for fear of rejection.

 

We all walk around afraid to be vulnerable and hiding the fact that we are s£it scared of loneliness, showing who we truly are, and expressing how we truly feel. We are led to believe that manly, bullish, inexpressive, confidence is the key to success in life...yeah yeah....whatever. I don't buy it.

 

As I see it (at least this is how I feel), the best comfort you have right now comes from knowledge of two things:

 

(1) The fact that you are not alone in this. We all share your pain and we are going through it with each other...even if it is virtually. It makes me feel comforted to feel that I am not alone as I walk this pathway to god knows where. We're walking it with you dude.

 

(2) The fact that your life will not always be what it is now. If you keep waking up and going to sleep...eventually your life will be something you can't even conceive of right now. You will likely be stronger from this one day...you just don't know it yet.

[happydate]

Yes and no. Narcs are also attracted to people in vulnerable states, ones who are kind and loving and giving. Narcs pick their victims and victim profiles are all different. From my experience, Narcs don't pick Narcs. As that would not allow for their desire to dominate and control the other. Narcs often pick people with co-dependency issues. Narcs need supply (attention, admiration, financial gains, sex..whatever) to function and to protect their true identity. Deeply inside they are not happy with themselves as they lack ability to truly love unconditionally. Codependents and inverted-Narcs are great as sources of supply for Narcs. Narcs leave when they don't have anything more to gain from you and when they broke you down on all levels: emotionally, mentally and abused you in many ways. Sex is a form of control for Narcs. They put it on you heavily in the beginning, get you addicted to them and then start to withhold it from you as a form of punishment for your "disobedience" (e.i when you start questioning their behaviors and even slightly show that you actually have some needs of your own...). With my narc, he was attracted to my loving and happy personality: traits that he could never experience in himself. It is a messed up game. There is no winning at it.

 

A narc is a person who had experience either too much attention from their parents or the lack thereof. Basically, it's two extremes of positives and negatives. We tend to date our parents, so a woman tends to date a man like her dad and a man tends to date a woman like her mother. It's all about comfort. A narc dates another narc because that's what a person is comfortable with. A narc will be repulsed or insulted if he or she dates a person who is a normal healthy being. He or she knows how much or less attention he or she gives that is considered healthy. Believe me when I said it, because that's what healthy women told me. They saw my subtle social actions as being a narc -- I was a happy people pleaser (please note my call sign Happy Date). Now I am happy but not a people pleaser person. I don't look for attention nor do I try to please a narc so she enjoys my happiness that she can't have! I don't impose my free will on others and am not violating my own will just to make others happy! When you are violating your own free will to make others happy, that's a sign of a narc.

 

If you are still pleasing people just for the sakes of imposing your free happy will on to them is a mild form of a narc. Trying to get attention to please your void inside of you.

 

A happy person makes others happy by the things he or she does that influence them to be happy. Your actions influence them to make a choice to go on and adopt a happy lifestyle and not just give and take for the sakes of seeking for the attention.

 

Having said that, the purpose of these relationships is for us to recognise the symptoms enough to be repulsed by it and then the individual will then make the attempt to heal the dsyfunction. Most of the relationships start with yourself, because the usual tendency for us all is to BLAME the partner for all his or her faults. But it's you that attract them in the first place.

 

If you don't fix this problem yourself, you will continue dating narcs. But what I noticed is that, subsequent relationships get more bizarre and nasty and more drama. I felt as though, the first narc was better than the current one. I think it's the Universe giving us Gestalt pain therapy and that is, if you don't change the way you behave or act, then you will continue being felt like punishment. Which is the main reason why the OP's woman goes back to her exes, because they are actually much better prospect wise to her than the OP. But that does not mean the OP is at fault. It could mean the OP is reflecting her symptoms with so much discomfort that the OP could be the last trigger point for her to change if she wants to. If she did change, then her parents will have to change with it. That's why narcs therapy goes for both the individual and parents to prevent relapse. Therefore, it is best for anyone to work out their own personal dysfunction before the next relationship, because if not worked out, it will tend to be much worse.

 

A test for you is this. If you continue to meet and date men or women with narc symptoms, then in a way you are still a narc (could be mild or severe).

 

Hope this helps..

Edited October 22, 2013 by happydate

[William]

The report read:

 

"Thread seems to be veering off-topic with extended discussion of NPD between two posters."

 

Moderation concurs and directs members to steer the topic back to the specifics of the thread starter's issues and their recovery. That said, feel free to start or add to an existing topic on narcissism and/or other psychological issues and continue the discussion there. Thanks!

[oracle]

Anyone else?

 

 

3.5yrs in and still feel that way

[Vinsanity1307]

Here is my original story as usual..

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/417106-dumped-after-5-years

 

I was working on a project all day and most of the night and all of a sudden a random thought entered my head (basically just her getting out of my bed (nude) and me just admiring her and what I had) This ruined the rest of my night and it wouldnt leave. My heart is crippling right now and in tears as I write this missing her so very much. I tried jotting it down in a journal but it didnt help Figured Id come talk to you guys for advice..Im so alone and my future seems alone and terrifying...

[JDPT]

Based on what I've been noticing in your posts, and this is just my personal opinion, you still have your ex way way high on a pedestal. You still glorify her and see her as this goddess. Trust me I used to do the exact same, "she is the most beautiful, amazing body, great personally, no one can compare, blah blah blah...." Until you don't realize that your ex isn't "IT" you will only hinder your chances at true recovery. She isn't this almighty being with supernatural powers that can have anything she desires in this world. She is just another human being with a million flaws, just like you, just like me. You are better than this why? Because you are deciding to do the grunt work, you are going through the wringer over and over and will come out of this a new and improved . Don't allow your past to interfere with your future. It's time to take charge.

[hurts2death]

for once brother chin up. please////

 

you are a man..you will love other woman too.////

 

i know exactly how you feel... maybe try some hardcore work out so various things will get released in the your blood and you will feel better?

 

or think rasonal..... she do not want you .... no non no no no

 

you must understand this to move on....

 

just put you in her self and think that you dont want someone .....it will help..

 

also improve your carreer ....but please do me a favor and dont remain a thinker but become a doer.

Here is my original story as usual..

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/417106-dumped-after-5-years

 

I was working on a project all day and most of the night and all of a sudden a random thought entered my head (basically just her getting out of my bed (nude) and me just admiring her and what I had) This ruined the rest of my night and it wouldnt leave. My heart is crippling right now and in tears as I write this missing her so very much. I tried jotting it down in a journal but it didnt help Figured Id come talk to you guys for advice..Im so alone and my future seems alone and terrifying...

[barky2]

Jdpt,h2d and myself have been there thru this whole ride with you vin, and we sure as shiit ain't going anywhere anytime soon.

 

I need to you figure out what to do when these thoughts enter your head to redirect your focus on something else so you don't sit there and dwell.

 

Try biting your finger, sounds stupid but I used to do it.

 

Only YOU can keep this pain in.

 

Nothing we say or do can truly make a difference.

 

It's gotta come within from you.

 

Find some kind of release to redirect your mind.

 

Because Ima tell you what, more than likely for a loooong time you will think about her.

 

And that's a lot of unnecessary pain to put yourself thru if you don't know how to manage it.

 

Start thinking,try new things.

 

You'll get there bro

 

 

 

 

Barky

[sambo77]

Vin...you really seem to be going through it right now. Really sorry to hear how tough it is for you right now.

 

I think JDPT did a brilliant job of summarising what might be causing you a lot of pain. If, in your mind, you had the best there is and ever was, then your life from now on can only ever be subordinate. Until you start to see that she might not have been all that.

 

But I know what you mean. I have exactly the same sorts of torturous thoughts. It's like your mind is parading in front of you the best bits of what you had...only to torture you with the realisation that they are actually not yours anymore, that you should have done a better job of holding on to them, that they are now for some other dude to enjoy, and that you have the task of learning to live without them before you. That sort of thinking process brings with it a sudden spike of anxiety, of sadness, of pain...I know it well.

 

I don't know how you stop it. I haven't found a way yet. I think brains torture themselves like that for a reason though...it's like your brain is really fu?!king rubbing in what you've lost, really rubbing it in your face, forcing you to really FEEL the significance of it...I think you are eventually able to accept it BECAUSE of this.

[Mario79]

So how do you count, I am 6 months in, feel like crap but it was because of what I did 2 months ago and have been NC for 1 month. So I guess 1 month and yeah I have a pedestal for her, I want to tear it down, but in reality I wish I could forget her. Because I feel there will be a time I wont be hurting but I may always be regretting.

 

I know what you feel Vin. I also feel like I am just in auto pilot, and breaking some of my routines because its not in me do them. .

[Vinsanity1307]

thanks guys i just hope the thoughts and the pedestal she is on stops...So hurt....

[Simon Phoenix]

thanks guys i just hope the thoughts and the pedestal she is on stops...So hurt....

 

You have to be active in doing this. It's not going to go away by itself. You have to find someone way to redirect or rechannel this stuff, because you have one thought and you are just done for the day. Somehow you have to break this snowball avalanche thinking that consumes you. Maybe talking to a professional would help.

[reddragon588]

You've settled into a routine of hurting. You need to change up EVERYTHING. When you wake up in the morning, if you put your pants on right leg first, moving forward out it on left leg first. Go to work an hour earlier, go to bed an hour earlier, go to lunch an hour earlier. Take a different road home. Sit at a different chair at the dinner table. Build new routines instead of sticking with the routine of pain. Is it hard? Yep! Is it worth it! Yep!

[JDPT]

thanks guys i just hope the thoughts and the pedestal she is on stops...So hurt....

 

You are mistaken. As stated previously, there is no hoping here. You must be proactive in addressing this issue or it will forever linger.

[Vinsanity1307]

So as usual with my new posts here is my story....

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/417106-dumped-after-5-years

 

I went out last night to a city halloween party(went to this place last year w/ my ex) and I was miserable the whole time this year. I just kept thinking of her there by my side like last year, and how after we went home and had amazing sex in our costumes role playing if you will....Anyways... I am trying to go out and about and keep my mind off things but it does not help. i went with a friend from work but honestly I was dying inside. I went to this place once with my ex that was it, and it destroyed my night. Luckily i had a mask on and could hide some of the painful tears. Its been 3.5 months and her thoughts are ruining me. I tried looking at other women but cant see it. none were my ex.In my eyes she is "it". I could not sleep all night and at work and still ruining my day....Halloween is "my" holiday so its not like i am not going out and deliberately avoiding it. And yes I am seeing a counselor but feel its not helping....I cant stand being like this...I am mentally dying...Its sad how I am not myself and all this from one women w 3 kids, and in th epast did terrible things to me....

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

So as usual with my new posts here is my story....

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/417106-dumped-after-5-years

 

I went out last night to a city halloween party(went to this place last year w/ my ex) and I was miserable the whole time this year. I just kept thinking of her there by my side like last year, and how after we went home and had amazing sex in our costumes role playing if you will....Anyways... I am trying to go out and about and keep my mind off things but it does not help. i went with a friend from work but honestly I was dying inside. I went to this place once with my ex that was it, and it destroyed my night. Luckily i had a mask on and could hide some of the painful tears. Its been 3.5 months and her thoughts are ruining me. I tried looking at other women but cant see it. none were my ex.In my eyes she is "it". I could not sleep all night and at work and still ruining my day....Halloween is "my" holiday so its not like i am not going out and deliberately avoiding it. And yes I am seeing a counselor but feel its not helping....I cant stand being like this...I am mentally dying...Its sad how I am not myself and all this from one women w 3 kids, and in th epast did terrible things to me....

 

I've read ALL of your post and I think I've helped with a couple. What youre going through sucks....

 

With that said, for a lack of a better phrase, grow some balls. You are in this self pity mode that you almost refuse to break through from. You've had numerous people tell you things to do, but you won't do it. At this point, you're just running an open journal. Help yourself

[JDPT]

I've learned to avoid going to places I used to frequent with my ex. I'll give you an example. A few days ago with my uncle's birthday was going to celebrate it at a hibachi restaurant where my ex an I used to go often. I immediately made the decision not to go. I came up with an excuse and did not go, why did I do that? I avoided that place because about a month or so ago we went out to another restaurant that my ex and I used to go to and guess what? I was beyond miserable at that restaurant seeing all the couples having such a great day. At first I didn't think much about it but then realized how utterly detrimental going to that restaurant was.

 

I've been in your shoes man. I reached a point where I thought I was going crazy I kid you not. I honestly thought I was losing it, but I would fight it and tell myself that I will make it out of this black hole somehow I will. And here I am not quiet there but as they go by I try my hardest to move on with my life. Keep going an never give up. Don't rush anything, pace yourself you are in this for the long run.

[Simon Phoenix]

I really think you should talk to a professional. It's clear that once you think of her, you just go into a shell and defeat yourself. I think what you are going through might be something out of our pay grade. Obviously journaling your thoughts isn't having the desired effect.

[theothersully]

Try to avoid places that will trigger the memories. Move to Boston, Allston, etc, maybe? Go to some new place.

 

And 3.5 months isn't that long of a time. If I remember correctly, and not sure i do, since i was still in a huge fog at 3.5 months, it will take quite a bit longer than that. Try to fill your life with new people, especially women, even if just friends.'

 

Soon, you will realize that while she may have been great at the time, there are tons of other great women out there that will be interested in you.

 

Edit: You will feel little sparks with the new women that show you the ex isn't the only one that can make you feel good,

Edited October 26, 2013 by theothersully