20 years NC (this is long reading)

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

Hello, new here. It's been 20 years since I talked to an ex GF and now I have the urge to say "hi."

 

I'll start with my background because it's important to the story. I was born with inattentive ADD and avoidant personality disorder. I was smart and put in the advanced classes but refused to do homework and had difficulties in school. I daydream a lot and often can't control the thoughts swirling in my head. I was teased a fair bit and the nature of my disorders would allow things to affect me deeply and personally. I'm pretty sure this led to an extreme emotional disorder. No matter how good I wanted to be for someone, I always seemed to fail and ruin relationships. Not knowing why I acted this way was just as confusing to me as to those around me.

 

I'm a military brat and moved around a lot. When I was 15 and a sophomore in HS I met a beautiful 17yr old senior girl (also military brat) who was interested in one of my friends. She'd talk to me about it, but after getting to know each other we fell madly in love. It was hot and heavy and exciting and tragic at the same time. After a while I turned 16, she 18 a few months after that and she graduated HS. I took her to her senior prom; she made her dress, I wore a tux. She was absolutely the sweetest person I'd ever met and still is to this day. I adored her and probably took her for granted.

 

It was a struggle, though. I was fragile and scared of losing her almost constantly and we all know what that does to love. She loved me but it wasn't easy for her; I didn't make it easy. My emotional outbursts were stressful.

 

During the summer we both made trips with our parents to our hometowns to visit relatives. Before we parted, she bought two gold pendants, two halves of a heart that fit together. It was important to her that we each have one representing our love and the bond we shared.

 

While away, I showed pictures and bragged about her and couldn't wait to get back home to her. Upon return, I saw her parents were home and ran to the phone to call her. Her father, who didn't like me much, answered and said she didn't come back. He gave the phone to her mother and I was told she decided to stay in her hometown instead of returning. I was so confused. At the time it came as a complete blindside. She gave me the phone number to reach her and I called immediately asking what's going on. She said she loved me and was sorry but needed to stay there. She couldn't give me a solid reason why. I cried and I begged. She cried. She's so sweet that, just to ease my suffering, she said she'd come back. That was the last we ever spoke.

 

I held on to that hope for a few weeks at least. Then slowly the realization set in that I would probably never see her again. Devastation. The only way I could deal was to bury it deep and not think about her. The worst part after the pain of losing her was the confusion that remained. I didn't contact her after that because I knew it was over. She was out of high school and beginning her adult life, without me. So I moved on, thinking about her very little over the years to keep the pain from returning.

 

So one or two years ago (18 or 19 years have gone by, I'm married and have a daughter entering adulthood), for whatever reason, I think about her. I think long and hard about it all. That pain I felt at 16 returned with a vengeance. I cried like I haven't cried in years. I realized I never got over the way it ended, understood or felt a sense of closure. I know why it ended but there a pieces missing.

 

By this time I had gained some control over my life basically because I researched and understood the nature of my problems. It's sad knowing I never stood a chance at normalcy and will never be normal, but I've accepted it and I struggle to not lose control of it, taking it day by day.

 

After thinking about her, I try to find her on facebook. I found a girl with her name and two photos that looked like the girl I used to know, not married but possibly involved with someone. I write her asking if I know her. No response. A few days pass and I write something like this:

"I'm not sure why you haven't written back but I would hate to think there is any resentment. We had so much fun, thank you, etc.

You are my favorite person I've had a chance to get to know.

Take care."

 

But that was the wrong woman lol. I may get a do-over.

 

Now it's been just over 20 years. I thought about her again and what she represented in my life. I had a small epiphany. She set my ideal for what love feels like. She was kind, attentive, affectionate and beautiful. I have not since felt a love like that. She once told me no one will ever love me like she does and she was right. Since I didn't think about her much, I didn't realize that ever since, I've been searching for that love again. I haven't found it nor have I met anyone who measures up.

 

My wife is an angel and I love her. She's very understanding of my disorders and is patient with me when I have bad days. She stuck by me through hard times and I'm thankful for her everyday.

 

My Ex is married with two kids and I am happy for her and happy that she is surrounded by the love she deserves. I'm compelled to tell her what an exceptional person I think she is and how I hope life has rewarded her properly for being so sweet and genuine. I have no delusions of rekindling anything or meeting. I didn't deserve her, but she shared her time and attention with me and I'm now grateful to her. Those memories are a great treasure to me that I'll take to the grave.

 

If I can somehow get her to talk to me, I would like to know how things played out in her perspective and what factors (besides my behavior) led to her decision to move away. It really bugs the ***** out of me not knowing what was in her heart and in her head. I never tried to contact her afterwards to find out.

 

Selfish, I know, but it's important to me how she remembers me. It hurts to have my imagination fill in the missing pieces. I want to put it to rest by knowing once and for all. However brutal her truth is, I hunger for it and am prepared to accept it gracefully then take my leave if need be.

 

I send her a message three days ago on facebook:

"Hey, how have you been? Would be great to hear from you."

 

I hardly ever use facebook and it tells me I would have to pay $1.00 to send a message directly to her inbox unless we are friends. I'm like "oh no!" and click the "add friend" button because that seemed like the logical thing to do. I immediately start to regret clicking the "add friend" button. I don't expect to be on her friends list. I don't even expect to have more than one conversation, maybe two.

 

I don't want to push it because hearing from me might have made her sad. She might not even give a rats ass. She might need time to process. Her husband might disapprove of her reconnecting with old flames, etc.

 

I have fantasized about sharing what I've learned about my psychology with her. In these thoughts she is interested as a part of her own life story. She listens and has a better understanding of me, knowing that I didn't want to lose control at times. I didn't enjoy crying or lashing out with a harsh word that she never deserved. That my guilt has stacked up over the years by not appreciating people and treating them the way they should have been treated. That I loved her.

 

She changed her cover photo the day after I contacted her so she received the friend request and maybe the note that didn't go directly to her inbox. Instead of writing again, I've been writing in a journal the things I wish I could say to her. I've made two drafts. I read it and re-read it and edit it. I don't have the courage to say some of these things but I know I'm going to want to hit that send button with a sappy letter singing her praises and thanking her. I'm going to want to ask her to fill in the blanks I have. I want to tell her I'm happy for her and congratulate her on her family. I want to tell her that I'm due to be a grandpa in two weeks.

 

So that's where I am. Hoping, but not hopeful that she'll even want to say "hi". If you have read this far, thank you. Getting it out has been of some relief. Opinions, insights, and advice are welcome.

Edited October 15, 2013 by AShogunNamedMarcus

[Downtown]

Marcus, welcome to the LS forum. What a wonderful, nicely-detailed story you've given us in your very first post. I'm sitting here hoping that, in the two weeks that have passed since you contacted your Ex, she has responded to say why she left you -- thereby giving you some sense of closure.

 

I'm sorry to hear (in your 10/29 post) that you suffer from both AvPD and BPD. I must say, however, that you have an amazing level of self awareness for a man having BPD. That bodes well for your chances of achieving remarkable success in therapy if you get into a good BPD treatment program such as DBT or CBT. Have you participated any at BPDrecovery?

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

Thank you for your very kind words.

I've thought about and been recommended DBT but I always have an excuse not to. I got really burned out on psychologists and therapy because they all said the same thing... They couldn't help me. I may have to just suck it up and go for DBT soon.

 

It took awhile for the BPD diagnosis to set in. I disregarded it until probably around age 26 or 27 (diagnosed at 21). My wife was starting cannabis treatments for her multiple sclerosis and I walked that path with her. It was then that I was able to really process it and understand myself better. It also helped curb the fits of anger and I even came out of my shell a bit.

 

The puzzle wasn't complete because BPD did not cover everything I was experiencing. I learned about many other disorders and when I read AvPD, every single symptom was me since I can remember. I was actually misdiagnosed BPD with Schizoid tendencies. It never made sense to me when I read about schizoid. It looks the same as AvPD externally but internally it's completely different.

 

Recently learning about the lazy type ADHD filled in the rest of the blanks. Since then we found I got it from my mother, and passed it to my daughter (who's past her due date btw). Daughter also got the AvPD or whatever trait my father passed to me that causes it. Starting when she was 3 yrs old I usually only had her during the summers but she turned out just like me, except she's not BPD.

 

 

As for my ex...

 

My wife doesn't think she checks her fb often (yes I told my wife about my problem) and hasn't seen the friend request. I've rewritten my letter several times.. now it just looks like an apology and acknowledgement of my f*** ups with a line or two of sentimental praise. If she responds, I don't think I'll express any of it until I feel that any such conversation would be welcome. Just by catching up, I may be able to get a sense of things and not need to seek more.

 

If she doesn't respond, I'm no worse off than I was.

Edited October 30, 2013 by AShogunNamedMarcus

[thora-tiki]

Welcome to the forum, and to your evolution.

 

They should rename fjasbok/Facebook «Yank My Chain» or

«Feed Me Bullsh*t», that would be a lot closer to the truth.

 

Stop looking at her fjasbok!

And stop sending her friends request.

 

You want answers, well, let me tell you, she doesn't have them.

 

I am someone that has had a up close and personal relationship with someone with borderline personality disorder (many years ago).

 

The ex before dildo face (my current ex), was borderline.

 

Yeah, fun.

 

This relationship/or trip down memory lane sounds like a no-win relationship/friendship - especially for your ex.

 

Right now, to me, you are desperate and obsessing, and this doesn't

= LOVE.

 

Stop obsessing about your ex, and help yourself first,

you don't need your ex back to be happy.

Read about borderline personality disorder.

It is a kind of black and white thinking.

 

This is one of the most common mental disorders suffered by adults who were victimised as children.

 

I am not trying to pick on you, I am just voicing how it feels to date someone with this disorder.

Also check out this link about borderline personality disorder,

it is written in the perspective of the healthy one, not the one with the disorder:

 


COULD MY BPD LOVER BE RIGHT ABOUT ME?? The Borderline and You

 

One of the articles is named:

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]COULD MY BPD LOVER BE RIGHT ABOUT ME?[/FONT]

 

To deal with and treat this disorder can take years, but it is treatable, so start therapy as soon as you possibly can.

 

It is admirable of you to see your faults. Great job!

 

I didn't get why you need to see her again.

And isn't she married? Aren't you married as well?

Or did I misunderstand.

 

Find a therapist you can work with, ask around,

maybe someone you know can recommend someone?

This is money well spent.

Since actions (you working on yourself with a therapist - showing the world you are serious about making a change)

always speak louder than words.

 

Use this time to become the person you are suppose to be.

 

What do you like to do,

or have always wanted to pursue that you haven't before?

 

Let us know what you are doing and plan to do to concentrate on you.

 

I love to exercise, spend time with supporting family and friends,

reading, practicing French, work extra hours - you get the picture.


I also go to a therapist, he is a cognitive behaviour therapist.

 

Look into that, it is talking-therapy, where both the therapist and you talk.

 

So nothing like you have done before, I can imagine.

 

I live in Norway,

otherwise I'd send you to my therapist in a heartbeat.

 

You can do this, AShogunNamedMarcus!

 

I read this somewhere, maybe on the site I am suggesting:

 

«The suggestion of a breakup sends him off the «deep end».

 

At the heart of borderline personality disorder is the issue of abandonment.

 

Any indication of a breakup, whether real or perceived,

will activate fear, anger, and incredible sadness in a borderline male.

 

He will even preemptively end a relationship if he feels that a breakup is coming.»

 

And the reasons for the dumpee/dumper missing the borderline person are:

«Comes on very strong and romantic.

Borderline men tend to be very sensitive and romantic. In a sense, they are addicted to the notions of romance and love.

Initially this can be one of the more alluring qualities of these men.

Quick to declare his love.

A borderline man will sometimes profess his love on a first or second date.

In truth, borderline men either have a distorted idea of love, or simply do not know what real love is.

 

Grandiose.

Borderline men tend to be very boastful. They are grandiose in the way they think and talk about themselves.

 

They will brag, exaggerate, and lie about their accomplishments and their abilities.

 

In reality, this narcissism is an attempt to compensate for a very fragile sense of self.

 

Great lover.

Borderline men tend to be hyper-sexual or even sexually addicted.

Women describe them as fantastic and very giving in the bedroom.

 

Since borderline men are not adept at intimacy he will often use sex as a replacement for true intimacy or love.

 

In addition, a borderline man will use sex as a way of winning or securing a woman.»

When I had sex with the borderline ex, this was the only time I felt he saw me, listened me, took care of me, etc.

 

When I got over this borderline ex,

my thoughts were like the Johnny Cash lyric:

 

«I got rid of the shackles that bound me

And the guards that were always around me

There were tears on the mail mother wrote me in jail

But I'm free from the chain gang now».

 

This is how it felt for me, and how I imagine it felt for your ex.

 

Good luck to you.

[thora-tiki]

Bahaha!

I see that my link looks like Donald Duck-swearing:

 

«One of the articles is named:

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]COULD MY BPD LOVER BE RIGHT ABOUT ME?[/FONT]»

 

Luckily the other link is useable, same name, just click on the text:

 

COULD MY BPD LOVER BE RIGHT ABOUT ME?? The Borderline and You

[AnyaNova]

I'm not sure, perhaps the above poster is right, but perhaps you are simply starting to grow and mature somewhat and are realizing what you lost, and perhaps only now are actually able to grieve that loss .

 

But thank you for this.

 

My situation that brought me here was not typical and most likely involved some extreme attachment disorder on his part. It is nice to think that maybe, even if it is years in the future, he might have some regrets or be able to think about me sometimes.

 

With that said, though, it sounds like you have a highly understanding wife. How about focusing on what you have now, given the trajectory that MS can take, and depending on the speed with which it can get there?

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

Thanks for the reply thora-tiki. I agree with pretty much all of that. Obviously, I need perspectives such as yours that help me grow.

 

I wasn't victimized as a child unless you consider being made fun of and excluded by other kids and looked down at by teachers (for the undiagnosed ADD). I'm also not your average borderline. I have nothing to blame but genetics. Yes, getting the right kind of therapy should be my next major priority. I've put it off long enough.

 

I'm not looking to hook up with or ever see my ex again. Sure, I'd love a walk down memory lane... I'm sure you know how bad I desire such things. However, I do see the negative side of trying to reminisce.

 

We were young, the relationship wasn't too long, and things didn't get as bad as they can get. I sense you have knowledge of how bad things can get with a borderline. It was still a very sweet love affair. Towards the end I was breaking her heart with my suffering and insecurities, not with belittling or personal attacks. I was disrespectful in using guilt and expecting her to ease the pain. Trying to keep her all to myself suffocated her. I know it hurt her.

 

It's been 20 years and I've made many mistakes. I feel like sh*t for how much I've made a mess of things. I don't expect to live a long life (health and stress). I'm tired. Becoming a grandfather and feeling the ever quickening pace and limits of time really makes me want to make amends (with several people). That's not BS. Yes, I have the desperate side of me that wants her to tell me how much she cared about me. The rational side of me is stronger than it used to be and I have learned not to say everything I think I want to. An important skill.

 

There haven't been many people who meant what she meant to me. I understand the selfishness of it, but I have to see if an apology would be welcome. That link you posted said how the partner of a borderline is left feeling confused and guilty. That's what I'd like to fix. I couldn't take it any farther than that.

 

If it only gets to

"hello, how are you",

"I'm fine",

"great"

"nice to hear from you again" ...

 

I think I could live with that. I can bury things deep and not bring them up if it's best.

 

If she somehow does give me a chance to apologize, then awesome.

If she mentions old times, I'll tell her how special and important she was and thank her for the memories.

 

I see it more as a good thing than bad. There's a possibility it sparks a friendship, but that's up to her to decide... not me to even suggest.

 

If she doesn't appreciate that I've reached out to her, she can ignore me and continue her life. Right? I fail to see any harm done in this case. I have too much respect for her to continue contact after that if it's clear she doesn't want it.

 

I have manipulated and still have the capacity to manipulate others to fill my emotional needs, but I also can see the damage it does. I'm not completely without restraint these days. It took a long time but I have learned how to respect others enough to earn their respect.

 

The letter is for me to work through these feelings and stop them from swimming around my head. Sending it is a fantasy that I don't need to make real.

 

Tell me honestly, is it disrespectful to her if I contact her and all we do is small talk and catch up like old friends after 20 yrs? We're not in love. I couldn't win her back, nor would I try to given our circumstances.

 

If I didn't, I'd regret it for the rest of my life like I regret so many things.

 

That's a guarantee.

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

I'm not sure, perhaps the above poster is right, but perhaps you are simply starting to grow and mature somewhat and are realizing what you lost, and perhaps only now are actually able to grieve that loss .

 

But thank you for this.

 

My situation that brought me here was not typical and most likely involved some extreme attachment disorder on his part. It is nice to think that maybe, even if it is years in the future, he might have some regrets or be able to think about me sometimes.

 

With that said, though, it sounds like you have a highly understanding wife. How about focusing on what you have now, given the trajectory that MS can take, and depending on the speed with which it can get there?

 

 

Thank you, Anya. Yes, my focus should be with my wife and our future. That's usually what it's like around here. Ex has been on my mind a lot lately, but it's rare that I get like this. I feel like I have to reconnect with someone that I've lost or make amends. It's a longing that I don't know how to satisfy other than by saying hello.

 

Things get back to normal after I've had a chance to grieve and forget again. Unresolved, I go back to living.

 

My wife is my partner and best friend. We have goals and are working towards achieving them together. Nothing will stop us. I wouldn't give her up for another chance with the ex.

[Downtown]

I wasn't victimized as a child unless you consider being made fun of and excluded by other kids and looked down at by teachers (for the undiagnosed ADD). I'm also not your average borderline. I have nothing to blame but genetics.

Marcus, although the cause of BPD has not been determined to a certainty, the psychiatric community's general view is that it is caused by a combination of genetics and the environment occurring before age five. It also is believed that, in a substantial share of BPDers, the genetic predisposition itself was strong enough to cause the disorder to develop.

 

This view is strongly supported by the finding (pub. 2008) that 30% of BPDers report they experienced no abuse or abandonment in childhood. This finding suggests that your experience (of no early childhood abuse) is atypical, yes, but certainly not uncommon.

I was teased a fair bit and the nature of my disorders would allow things to affect me deeply and personally. I'm pretty sure this led to an extreme emotional disorder.

Well, the teasing sure did not help things. It is very unlikely, however, it gave rise to your AvPD or BPD. Most likely you have already read enough to know this. I mention it only because, given the way these disorders usually don't start showing strongly before puberty -- many folks mistakenly think that an abusive incident in late childhood (e.g., grade school bullying and teasing) was the cause.

 

My understanding is that your disorders arose from a genetic predisposition and, if environment played a big role, it would have been the incidents occurring before age five. For serious damage to the emotional core to occur, it usually has to happen that early, at which time it disrupts the child's ability to integrate his personality and to learn more mature ego defenses. But, granted, severe abuse in late childhood could also cause much damage. My point, then, is that -- while anything is possible -- you likely would have had "an extreme disorder" with or without the teasing and ignorant teachers. This, at least, is my understanding.

 

Moreover, having one "extreme disorder" usually means having others as well. The vast majority of BPDers also have at least one other PD -- together with at least one clinical disorder such as PTSD, bipolar, adult ADHD, GAD, or depression. Specifically, three-fourths of BPDers have at least one other PD and three-fourths have at least one mood disorder. See 2008 Study in JCP.

I've thought about and been recommended DBT but I always have an excuse not to. I got really burned out on psychologists and therapy because they all said the same thing....

Likewise, I found conventional talk therapy to be useless for treating BPDers. I say this after having spent a small fortune to take my BPDer exW to six different psychologists/psychiatrists (and several MCs) every week for 15 years -- all to no avail.

 

As I note below, BPDers do not seem to benefit from abstract discussion and expressing their feelings. Rather, they benefit from learning how to stop relying on the primitive ego defenses and to replace them with the mature ego defenses other adults use. What is needed, then, is to learn these new skills.

The rational side of me is stronger than it used to be and I have learned not to say everything I think I want to. An important skill.

Yes, this is a very important skill. Your learning it demonstrates that, on your own, you can make some progress in acquiring the needed skill set. By yourself, however, you won't get very far. Professional guidance (DBT or CBT) will teach you the techniques and tips for achieving many skills, including the following:

 

• How to better control your emotions,
  
• How to do self soothing (e.g., using distraction to break the mind loops),
  
• How to avoid black-white thinking by becoming more tolerant of ambiguities, dualities, and uncertainties in your interpersonal relationships,
  
• How to take responsibility for making a mistake without perceiving of yourself as "all black,"
  
• How to improve your perception of object constancy so you are able to realize other peoples' personalities generally are quite stable over time, and
  
• How to improve "mindfulness," i.e., staying in the moment instead of escaping into daydreams and other abstract thoughts.
  

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

Well, the teasing sure did not help things. It is very unlikely, however, it gave rise to your AvPD or BPD. Most likely you have already read enough to know this. I mention it only because, given the way these disorders usually don't start showing strongly before puberty -- many folks mistakenly think that an abusive incident in late childhood (e.g., grade school bullying and teasing) was the cause.

 

I used to think I was born borderline, but lately suspect I was born with AvPD or whatever trait leads to it. The BPD seems not have surfaced until after puberty. Most therapists suspected child abuse but I was just too damned sensitive.

 

BPD for me is like a demon tied to a chair in my brain. It's always there but usually subdued. When I feel stressed or threatened emotionally, the ropes loosen and the demon takes over creating chaos. Make sense? It feels like being temporarily possessed or having two clashing egos.

 

I guess I don't agree that I'm a completely evil bastard. I have a soft side that I fiercely guard. I don't scheme of ways to manipulate people and I get no pleasure from it. My manipulations have been to get laid or to get control over how things can affect my emotions. Lying to people makes me uncomfortable and guilty so I try to be truthful. I feel remorse, usually delayed, that I often mask or disconnect from so as not to be consumed by it.

 

In my normal state I am the type to:

 

• Rescue animals,
  
• Stand up for someone being picked on,
  
• Cry during sad or happy movies (so much of this),
  
• Cry after witnessing incredible acts of human compassion
  

Those traits I inherited from my compassionate mother. They are as natural to me as sunshine.

 

During a BPD episode, I am a complete irrational douchebag. This is when I hurt others. The good vs evil conflict has always been a huge part of my psyche.

 

How to better control your emotions,

Definitely struggle with this one. Even with effort I am usually no match for them.

 

How to do self soothing (e.g., using distraction to break the mind loops),

Distraction has been my main method of coping or allowing extreme feelings to subside. Movies, television, video games and music are all things that work great for interrupting mind loops.

 

How to avoid black-white thinking by becoming more tolerant of ambiguities, dualities, and uncertainties in your interpersonal relationships,

This one's tough. I've had the most trouble with this. I do try to be aware of it, though.

 

How to take responsibility for making a mistake without perceiving of yourself as "all black,"

Tough one and forgiving myself isn't easy.

 

How to improve your perception of object constancy so you are able to realize other peoples' personalities generally are quite stable over time,

Yep, I've thought of this one in some capacity. Would like to strengthen this.

 

How to improve "mindfulness," i.e., staying in the moment instead of escaping into daydreams and other abstract thoughts.

This is something I currently try to do (not very good at it). I think the ADD really amplifies this problem.

 

You are right in that I can only go so far on my own. Being aware of these problems isn't enough to improve them to a satisfactory level. I am going to tell my wife I'm doing DBT. She won't get off my *ss until I do it

 

Your replies have been helpful (all of you). Thank you.

Edited October 30, 2013 by AShogunNamedMarcus

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

So I did some research on DBT.

 

Interestingly, many of the concepts I've already adopted starting about 10 years ago.

 

See what I didn't mention is that my life changed then.

 

• I stopped being abusive.
  
• I stopped using people.
  
• I stopped self-harming.
  
• I stopped considering suicide as an option.
  
• I stopped blaming other people for my problems.
  
• I accepted my reality
  
• I learned how to treat people with respect
  
• I learned how to view my patterns objectively, analyze, then adjust
  
• I gained self-awareness
  
• I learned how to better control my emotions
  

The first bullet point alone is enough to convince me I did the right thing. My parents were in tears at my turn-around and, after some hesitation, fully support my choice. My wife is thankful that I don't treat her badly anymore. I am affectionate with her without it leading to sex. I respect her and value her emotions, whereas before I couldn't. I stopped drinking. I've been this way the last 10 years strong.

 

DBT can reinforce the progress I've already made while teaching me so much more. I see some excellent exercises and practices that build up the skills to handle distress and emotion. I have a long way to go but I'm ahead of the curve and getting optimistic about this.

 

I slipped one time when I had to switch psychiatrists and she ordered me off a benzo. The results were disastrous but I have a new doc who helps me take less of the benzo while maintaining my sanity.

 

Most healthcare professionals around here scoff and scold me for how I did it. Some people think I'm full of sh*t. It was cannabis that allowed me a new perspective and outlook on life. It didn't cure me but I was able to see things from a non distorted-thinking brain effectively for the first time.

 

I've had two good psychiatrists who have listened to my story and supported my decision to use cannabis as an aid to recovery. I had one belittle me (the same one who ordered me off the benzo with no taper down). I live in a non MMJ state.

Edited October 30, 2013 by AShogunNamedMarcus

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

So I have an update for 2024. It got crazy, then sad

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

We reconnected. Neither of us happy in our marriages. After some discussion, we both admitted that we were the love of each other's lives.

[MsJayne]

So, it's 10 - 11 years later? Please do tell what happened.