NC's effect on MM's marriage

[SarahJames]

My question is: do you think a MM acts differently once NC has been initiated?

 

I believe that mistresses do, in a way, help the married man's marriage survive. A mistress gives the MM whatever his wife isn't giving him whether it be an emotional or physical need.

 

Do you think he's more distant towards his wife once NC takes place? Does he desire his wife even more since he no longer has that outlet? Maybe he's irritable? I'd like to be in a MM's mind once the OW finally puts her foot down to know what really goes on up there...

[hippetyhop]

Oohh.. good question.

 

I would think in some way-- he's going from getting his needs met to having to deal with a spouse who is upset depending on what she knows and no contact with a person who he likely formed an emotional bond with. It can be a potentially life change as he's losing someone.

 

After I initiated NC with my xMM, he still wanted to be "just friends" (emotional connection). He leaned on me with issues pertaining to his marriage, family, work, etc. I've learned though at the end of the day, we are all replaceable.

[waterwoman]

Ours got better. H looked happier, as if a weight had lifted. He smiled more, and we made sure we spent a lot of time together, more than we had for years. But this was only a short-term affair not over a number of years. I also suspect it wouldn't have been the same if I didn't know.

[hippetyhop]

I would say yes he does. In most cases (though not all) he returns full commitment to the marriage and works toward repairing the damage he has done by creating a stronger bond with his wife as they work through the trauma together, or he leaves. The OW becomes an external event that is eradicated.

 

With reference what is supposedly 'missing' being gained through the OW, she will most certainly of course have offered the MM an interesting alternative to his perceived problems otherwise affairs would not exist.

 

Irritable? I'm not entirely sure what you intend by this so perhaps you could explain more. As for desire in the marriage, you might be surprised by the fact that a lot of marriages in which affairs are occurring have very healthy intimate lives shared by the spouses.

 

Hindsight is a wonderful thing..........................

 

But what about those men that return to an A (either with xAP or new AP) after the waters have calmed down at home, or those who push through MC and they are actually still invested in an A. These scenarios are common as well.

 

Some men just go very underground until it's okay to resurface. I think that is how my A would have been if I didn't end it. We were very underground until I ended it as he was only able to call me in the am from work (he was afraid his phone calls were being monitored) or text me right before he went to bed before she did.

 

In situations like that, does the M always return to where it was? I told my xMM that he cannot focus on reviving his marriage without me leaving the picture entirely. He didn't care. He still wanted to be friends. I hope he was able to fix his M, however, I think he is going to look for someone else.

[Ladydrib]

Or what about those men who after d day have not left the house. They did not do the begging to stay, rather the BS begged, and the WS is not willing to do MC or anything in addition to stay staying, including not stopping talking to the AP, even though the AP ended the A with him with the terms of get out of the marriage or get out of the affair?

 

Who knows what goes through these minds. I'm confused and honestly sick of worrying about it. I'm learning not to care. He's obviously all mixed up and I don't need to put myself in the middle of it in reality or even just in thought. If he ever does leave, which he says he is soon, who knows, maybe I will still be interested. Maybe I won't. But I have made myself unavailable so he cannot string me along and so I can heal.

 

You will eventually stop caring. When someone continually makes you hurt and does not show they value you enough to be in a committed relationship with you, we may look past it at first but not forever. You'll stop caring whether you want to or not.

[hippetyhop]

That is rather more complicated (as if affairs are not complicated enough) isn't it? So is it possible that the type of MM/affair you indicate means that the MM, complete with his personality discrepancies, falls more into that which Pierre describes?

 

As a serial cheater? But what defines a serial cheater? I actually just posted a thread in the infidelity section re. serial cheaters.

 

But why does the cheating start 5 years in the marriage and not during the stages of dating?

 

If cheating resurfaces with the same AP, does that mean they are just going back to what/who they know as their comfortable as opposed to hunting for new bait?

[Finally Settled]

I would say yes he does. In most cases (though not all) he returns full commitment to the marriage and works toward repairing the damage he has done by creating a stronger bond with his wife as they work through the trauma together, or he leaves. The OW becomes an external event that is eradicated.

 

With reference what is supposedly 'missing' being gained through the OW, she will most certainly of course have offered the MM an interesting alternative to his perceived problems otherwise affairs would not exist.

 

Irritable? I'm not entirely sure what you intend by this so perhaps you could explain more. As for desire in the marriage, you might be surprised by the fact that a lot of marriages in which affairs are occurring have very healthy intimate lives shared by the spouses.

 

Hindsight is a wonderful thing..........................

 

I believe you are being quite optimistic in your post experiencethedivine. I am a volunteer counselor within an organization that treats infidelity much like AA treats alcoholism. I have heard the stories from hundreds of men in the last four years and I can count only a handful who were so easily rid of the ghosts of their other women. A few more than a handful admit that their marriages were emotionally intimate before and during their affairs and very few returned to the marriage with their hearts and souls as honest as their spouses would have imagined.

 

To the thread starter, what you have described was exactly what I lived. My other woman ended the affair and I returned to my marriage. I didn't necessarily return to my wife, but to all of the trimmings the marriage offered. I was very much out of sorts and antagonistic. I sought help to deal with the residual feelings for my other woman. She was never an external event and I daresay that most are not -- at least to their affair partner. To both myself and many of the men who speak in the group I work within, the other woman is as integral to their overall lives as their wives are. The desire and need to share with them is as deep as that to share with their wives. This is obviously not the case with all men, but with most I have worked with it is. My other woman did fill a void in my marriage, but I never realized to what degree until she was gone.

 

Most of the men that I have dealt with are able to fake it until they make it, and managed to patch the holes in their marriages. Many are able to return to a happy and fulfilling marriage once enough time has passed. Time can ease the pain and destruction in the eyes of the betrayed spouse and it can ease the sense of loss in a wayward spouse.

[hippetyhop]

I believe you are being quite optimistic in your post experiencethedivine. I am a volunteer counselor within an organization that treats infidelity much like AA treats alcoholism. I have heard the stories from hundreds of men in the last four years and I can count only a handful who were so easily rid of the ghosts of their other women. A few more than a handful admit that their marriages were emotionally intimate before and during their affairs and very few returned to the marriage with their hearts and souls as honest as their spouses would have imagined.

 

To the thread starter, what you have described was exactly what I lived. My other woman ended the affair and I returned to my marriage. I didn't necessarily return to my wife, but to all of the trimmings the marriage offered. I was very much out of sorts and antagonistic. I sought help to deal with the residual feelings for my other woman. She was never an external event and I daresay that most are not -- at least to their affair partner. To both myself and many of the men who speak in the group I work within, the other woman is as integral to their overall lives as their wives are. The desire and need to share with them is as deep as that to share with their wives. This is obviously not the case with all men, but with most I have worked with it is. My other woman did fill a void in my marriage, but I never realized to what degree until she was gone.

 

Most of the men that I have dealt with are able to fake it until they make it, and managed to patch the holes in their marriages. Many are able to return to a happy and fulfilling marriage once enough time has passed. Time can ease the pain and destruction in the eyes of the betrayed spouse and it can ease the sense of loss in a wayward spouse.

 

Very nice post and insight.

 

With returning to a "happy and fulfilling marriage"--is this with MC?

[Ladydrib]

I believe you are being quite optimistic in your post experiencethedivine. I am a volunteer counselor within an organization that treats infidelity much like AA treats alcoholism. I have heard the stories from hundreds of men in the last four years and I can count only a handful who were so easily rid of the ghosts of their other women. A few more than a handful admit that their marriages were emotionally intimate before and during their affairs and very few returned to the marriage with their hearts and souls as honest as their spouses would have imagined.

 

To the thread starter, what you have described was exactly what I lived. My other woman ended the affair and I returned to my marriage. I didn't necessarily return to my wife, but to all of the trimmings the marriage offered. I was very much out of sorts and antagonistic. I sought help to deal with the residual feelings for my other woman. She was never an external event and I daresay that most are not -- at least to their affair partner. To both myself and many of the men who speak in the group I work within, the other woman is as integral to their overall lives as their wives are. The desire and need to share with them is as deep as that to share with their wives. This is obviously not the case with all men, but with most I have worked with it is. My other woman did fill a void in my marriage, but I never realized to what degree until she was gone.

 

Most of the men that I have dealt with are able to fake it until they make it, and managed to patch the holes in their marriages. Many are able to return to a happy and fulfilling marriage once enough time has passed. Time can ease the pain and destruction in the eyes of the betrayed spouse and it can ease the sense of loss in a wayward spouse.

 

Are you speaking of affairs that had d days?

[Ladydrib]

Finallysettled, how much time is usually required to fake it until they make it?

[AlwaysGrowing]

I wonder if it depends on who ended it? Who initiated NC? How long was the affair?

 

I would find it difficult to believe that a 2 week, WS ended, WS initiated NC...moons over the AP for years, months, weeks or even a day. I mean, how much could an AP been helping a marriage survive?

 

If we are talking about years long affair, AP ended, AP going NC..then that is a different set of circumstances.

[hippetyhop]

I wonder if it depends on who ended it? Who initiated NC? How long was the affair?

 

I would find it difficult to believe that a 2 week, WS ended, WS initiated NC...moons over the AP for years, months, weeks or even a day. I mean, how much could an AP been helping a marriage survive?

 

If we are talking about years long affair, AP ended, AP going NC..then that is a different set of circumstances.

 

Good points.

 

A male friend of mine had an A for about a year and a half and his W found out. His AP ended it, but after 8 months he contacted her. He told her that he missed her and just wanted to be friends.

 

Then there are some cases where it ends and that was it.

[hippetyhop]

I believe that mistresses do, in a way, help the married man's marriage survive. A mistress gives the MM whatever his wife isn't giving him whether it be an emotional or physical need.

 

 

Misguided statement- my husband needed an ego boost- we were equal partners, she worshiped him-no one should have to be worshiped to feel good about themselves-real honesty should take care of that-

 

But what happens when the A ends and the H isn't getting what he needs from the W since he was getting it from the AP, but the A wasn't discovered from the W? How are his needs being met then?

[GypsumSatellite]

In my specific case, whenever I would disappear off the radar in the early days (basically giving him his space) he questioned why I wasn't saying hello like usual. My MM thrives off of attention - there's not enough to fill him, essentially. He loathes indifference. NC is indifference. Being too busy is indifference.

 

If I were to somehow manage to end this A, he would doggedly pursue me until he can contact again. He has always said he's not letting me out of his life - not in a threatening manner, but he doesn't let many people go out of his life when you have a look around.

 

My MM puts distance in his marriage because he wants to. It's not about anyone but him. He'd put more effort into fixing his M if he wanted to, too.

[hippetyhop]

But what happens when the A ends and the H isn't getting what he needs from the W since he was getting it from the AP, but the A wasn't discovered from the W? How are his needs being met then?

 

 

What in the world are you talking about??? Why would selfishness be a need that has to be met? I would think that after an A ends, a man would man up and realize that he was being selfish and that his needs are not the end all be all in this world-that there are things more important than what he "needs" or "wants" like being honest, understanding that life is full of ups and downs, that sometimes raising a family and having a demanding job means that you have to re-evaluate what "needs" really are- seriously, are you all so out of touch or believe so strongly that MM are so dang important that they can crush those around them because some selfish need is not being met- no wonder its so easy for MM to find a willing OW-that mindset baffles me-what about the needs of BS and OW alike to be respected, to be dealt with honestly, sheesh.....

 

You would *think* that after an A ends, a man would man up and realize what he had done. That is very true some cases; but not all. You would REALLY think so. But then there are serial cheaters who keep on going, and going with having MANY A's.

[Finally Settled]

Optimism is sometimes all a human being has; Of course I do not deny that each circumstance bears its own deficits and merits. I am a professional in a medical and psychological field myself, and my 'opinion' is based also on my experience both within my profession and in my personal life.

 

At the end of the day, our own personal experiences are what shape us most.

[hippetyhop]

In my specific case, whenever I would disappear off the radar in the early days (basically giving him his space) he questioned why I wasn't saying hello like usual. My MM thrives off of attention - there's not enough to fill him, essentially. He loathes indifference. NC is indifference. Being too busy is indifference.

 

If I were to somehow manage to end this A, he would doggedly pursue me until he can contact again. He has always said he's not letting me out of his life - not in a threatening manner, but he doesn't let many people go out of his life when you have a look around.

 

My MM puts distance in his marriage because he wants to. It's not about anyone but him. He'd put more effort into fixing his M if he wanted to, too.

 

You CAN end the A. Quit contact and not give in. Block his email, delete from social networking, delete texts. You opt not to.

 

Your last paragraph I can relate to. My xMM was the same way. He was acting all lovey again once BS became suspicious and was given a heads up about his past events. When I wanted to end the A, he still wanted me in his life. I told him he can't focus on his M with me even as a friend. He didn't want to accept. I gave him no alternative. I'm hoping he's focusing on his marriage.

[Finally Settled]

Are you speaking of affairs that had d days?

 

Most either had discovery or fully disclosed to their spouses. I think that is the first of many steps required for successful reconciliation.

[Finally Settled]

Very nice post and insight.

 

With returning to a "happy and fulfilling marriage"--is this with MC?

 

Speaking for myself, yes. I never attained the happy and fulfilling marriage as my exwife and I never found our way there, and I do think marriage counselling could have helped us immensely.

[Finally Settled]

Finallysettled, how much time is usually required to fake it until they make it?

 

I do believe time is going to be different for each person. When a betrayed spouse chooses to stay with their wayward spouse they are basically working hard to get past what happened, with a dash of faking it. Each of them will come to the point where they find themselves happy at different times. I would offer that it is the same for wayward spouses. As the English say -- how long is a piece of string?

[AutumnMoon]

I would say yes he does. In most cases (though not all) he returns full commitment to the marriage and works toward repairing the damage he has done by creating a stronger bond with his wife as they work through the trauma together, or he leaves. The OW becomes an external event that is eradicated.

 

With reference what is supposedly 'missing' being gained through the OW, she will most certainly of course have offered the MM an interesting alternative to his perceived problems otherwise affairs would not exist.

 

Irritable? I'm not entirely sure what you intend by this so perhaps you could explain more. As for desire in the marriage, you might be surprised by the fact that a lot of marriages in which affairs are occurring have very healthy intimate lives shared by the spouses.

 

Hindsight is a wonderful thing..........................

 

Irritable would be the exact word both my husband and my OM's wife would use to describe me and him when we haven't been able to see or talk to one another, we love our spouses but we are extremely irritable when we have no contact. It's not that hard to imagine other people would be too.

[krazikat]

You would *think* that after an A ends, a man would man up and realize what he had done. That is very true some cases; but not all. You would REALLY think so. But then there are serial cheaters who keep on going, and going with having MANY A's.

 

Interesting thread...I wonder what thoughts are when the WS actually ended the affair prior to dday? Also, what if mm had drug/alcohol problems where BS was at wits end yet ow was accommodating to the addiction even buying the substances for mm?

 

This was my sitch...and my husband went NC on ow(she was aggressively trying to restart the a), changed his number, and has been clean and sober since dday because the reality of losing me snapped him out of his funk. This has made me wonder how often drugs and/or alcohol are being abused by WS?

[shell4]

Speaking for myself, yes. I never attained the happy and fulfilling marriage as my exwife and I never found our way there, and I do think marriage counselling could have helped us immensely.

 

What would you say are the chances of complete and prolonged NC helping MM going back to a "happy and fulfilling marriage" in this case:

 

There was no D-Day, no disclosure to the wife, the marriage (over 20 years) prior to the A was civil, stable, friendly but non-romantic - both husband and wife focus SOLELY on the kids (marriage was a result of an accidental pregnancy during early stages of dating) - MM was in love with OW (LTA - over 3 years) but very conflicted and guilt-ridden and ended the A due to his inability to conduct a "double life" - there will be no MC or IC (for various reasons) - just continuing life as it was pre-A.

[hippetyhop]

Interesting thread...I wonder what thoughts are when the WS actually ended the affair prior to dday? Also, what if mm had drug/alcohol problems where BS was at wits end yet ow was accommodating to the addiction even buying the substances for mm?

 

This was my sitch...and my husband went NC on ow(she was aggressively trying to restart the a), changed his number, and has been clean and sober since dday because the reality of losing me snapped him out of his funk. This has made me wonder how often drugs and/or alcohol are being abused by WS?

 

Good question about the WS ending the A and not the AP. After my xMM's prior online dating profile was found out (he had it up about a year and a half before we met--and a month after his 3rd kid was born), he was very on the downlow with me. He told me he was happy I ended it as opposed to him because he was unsure where his M was going; but he wanted to still have an emotional connection. I don't think he would have ended it--just kept it on the d/l for awhile as we still saw each other after she found out. He didn't know how much his W knew. It was too much for me to keep going.

[hippetyhop]

But, why wouldn't they continue on to another partner? When one relationship ends, most of us go on to a different relationship. Married men aren't all of a sudden happy and fulfilled in their marriage just because their affair is ended (by whomever). To them, they are simply dating someone new. I don't consider that a character flaw - I consider that the MM is STILL unhappy in his marriage yet still unwilling to do the dirty work of divorcing his neglectful wife (in the case of my exMM) when she should be the one doing it if she doesn't want to be in a real adult relationship.

 

They may go to another partner because they still may not be happy at home. Many BS NEVER find out about their H's infidelities. Depending on how the A ended, the MM may never want to speak to the AP again if she outed him, or vis-versa--the AP may never want to see the MM again due to the emotional turmoil he put her through.

 

It is easier to start on a clean slate with a new AP and never speak of the prior. As easy as it was to find one of us as an AP, he can find another. A new site to join looking for a hook up; a new person to manipulate.