NC's effect on MM's marriage

[browneyed]

They may go to another partner because they still may not be happy at home. Many BS NEVER find out about their H's infidelities. Depending on how the A ended, the MM may never want to speak to the AP again if she outed him, or vis-versa--the AP may never want to see the MM again due to the emotional turmoil he put her through.

 

It is easier to start on a clean slate with a new AP and never speak of the prior. As easy as it was to find one of us as an AP, he can find another. A new site to join looking for a hook up; a new person to manipulate.

 

Is that what my MM is going to do? Just find another AP? He found me online with a dating profile not stating he was M. W went all out with PI's to catch him, believed he had GPS on his car and a key tracker on his computer. So wouldn't he be pretty gutsy to attempt that again? My MM went NC after d-day that involved his W and 2 PI's confronting both of us. Was a 7 mo affair, they've only been M 2 years and have no kids. MM has thus far stayed NC (6+ months). MM professed to want out with drafted separation papers as proof, but W with health issues was feeding his guilt and making it hard to leave. After d-day she threatened death if he left. He went NC and started MC. MM has gone back to status quo tho…meaning MM continues to work long hours and stay out of the house 6 days a week playing sports as he was doing prior to A and during it. What is the effect of NC on my MM who has stuck to it but is making no real attempt to fix or change the M. Is that just a situation of waiting to break NC or till he finds another AP? Or he's just going to distract himself with other things and stay?

[hippetyhop]

Is that what my MM is going to do? Just find another AP? He found me online with a dating profile not stating he was M. W went all out with PI's to catch him, believed he had GPS on his car and a key tracker on his computer. So wouldn't he be pretty gutsy to attempt that again? My MM went NC after d-day that involved his W and 2 PI's confronting both of us. Was a 7 mo affair, they've only been M 2 years and have no kids. MM has thus far stayed NC (6+ months). MM professed to want out with drafted separation papers as proof, but W with health issues was feeding his guilt and making it hard to leave. After d-day she threatened death if he left. He went NC and started MC. MM has gone back to status quo tho…meaning MM continues to work long hours and stay out of the house 6 days a week playing sports as he was doing prior to A and during it. What is the effect of NC on my MM who has stuck to it but is making no real attempt to fix or change the M. Is that just a situation of waiting to break NC or till he finds another AP? Or he's just going to distract himself with other things and stay?

 

He would be gutsy, as to some A are addictions. MM might wait until dust settles at home, playing good boy to the BS to regain some of her trust before he goes out on the prowl again if he so desires. Or, he might decide to work on the M, or if not work on the M, then just not cheat.

 

I'm not sure what the affect of your NC on your MM would be as I'm not him, but if he has no desire to fix/attempt to fix his M, he'd likely stray again. It might be next month, or 5 years down the road. It could possibly be with you since he'll be comfortable with you, or it might be a new AP. New AP might give him the time of day as he knows that you and him are through.

[Daisy2013]

Irritable would be the exact word both my husband and my OM's wife would use to describe me and him when we haven't been able to see or talk to one another, we love our spouses but we are extremely irritable when we have no contact. It's not that hard to imagine other people would be too.

 

This would be how my MOM felt. While not in NC, we are in LC, trying to make it as friends. He tells me he is so miserable and missing me that he could "kick a dog."

[hippetyhop]

This would be how my MOM felt. While not in NC, we are in LC, trying to make it as friends. He tells me he is so miserable and missing me that he could "kick a dog."

 

Not to t/j, but how did it go with you to attempting a friendship. My xMM wanted that after going LC but I didn't think I could handle it.

[hippetyhop]

Well, cheaters are usually very self-centered, self-absorbed, and selfish to the core. Therefore, they're still going to feel that they deserve to have someone on the side and will continue with the affair regardless.

 

Because it's all about them.

 

Not only do they deserve to have someone on the side, but the person on the side is lucky to have them and won't find anyone like them.

[Daisy2013]

Not to t/j, but how did it go with you to attempting a friendship. My xMM wanted that after going LC but I didn't think I could handle it.

 

We're trying hard. He still wants the A on his terms and nothing has changed except that I am able to accept the " friend" thing more easily. Soneone here said you reach indifference whether you want to or not after being hurt too many times. That is what has happened to me and allows me to be friends only. It is hard at first. But he means more to me than the A, so that helps as well. It will take you both being like-minded to be successful with this. Good luck!

[Finally Settled]

What would you say are the chances of complete and prolonged NC helping MM going back to a "happy and fulfilling marriage" in this case:

 

There was no D-Day, no disclosure to the wife, the marriage (over 20 years) prior to the A was civil, stable, friendly but non-romantic - both husband and wife focus SOLELY on the kids (marriage was a result of an accidental pregnancy during early stages of dating) - MM was in love with OW (LTA - over 3 years) but very conflicted and guilt-ridden and ended the A due to his inability to conduct a "double life" - there will be no MC or IC (for various reasons) - just continuing life as it was pre-A.

 

We are all different, but I would say that it can be done. I believe that neither the betrayed spouse nor the wayward spouse will be truly happy. They aren't on an even footing so the betrayed will probably always feel things are unbalanced, but have no inkling as to why. The wayward will never deal with issues from before, during or after the affair. The marriage can last, but will I have doubts it would be totally fulfilling. It will be very difficult for him to return to how life was pre affair. I would suggest she will see something wrong with her spouse, but have no way to know what it is and therefore have no way to work towards fixing it. They will probably settle into a new version of normal and life will go on.

[shell4]

From my experience I would say he did not love the OW enough to leave for her.

 

Probably true. But that wasn't the question.

 

The question was: can he go back to a a "happy and fulfilling marriage" under these circumstances.

[hippetyhop]

Well, I was editing my response to finish it, but you replied. To surmise: Some people are wonderful at compartmentalization, and are able to go back to what they would consider happy and fulfilling. But if he truly is unhappy, and is always seeking the one, then I imagine some OOW would come along, sweep him off his feet, and inspire him enough to leave the obligations-bound marriage.

 

Alternative, an OOW will come along and he will string her along how he did to the others.

[shell4]

Well, I was editing my response to finish it, but you replied. To surmise: Some people are wonderful at compartmentalization, and are able to go back to what they would consider happy and fulfilling. But if he truly is unhappy, and is always seeking the one, then I imagine some OOW would come along, sweep him off his feet, and inspire him enough to leave the obligations-bound marriage.

 

I don't recall mentioning anything about obligation in my description of the marriage, but I understand your answer.

[Finally Settled]

From my experience I would say he did not love the OW enough to leave for her.

 

I don't wish to thread jack here, but this is a common misconception. Very seldom, in a true love affair, is the level of love for either woman the only consideration for a married partner deciding whether to stay or leave. I have read often that the other woman has a lesser value because she has not been chosen and that is simply not always the case. Whether you wish to consider them reasons or not, often a married partner considers finances, community standing, children, history, illnesses, and any number of other factors before choosing their course of action.

 

I know this because I did exactly this and many that I speak to now have done the same. It also doesn't mean that the married partner only stays for the accessories to the marriage -- I believe that most have love for their spouse as well. The choice is not always between the two women, but between one lone woman and one woman who possesses his/their world. That is very difficult for anyone to overcome single-handedly.

[HtotheN]

The choice is not always between the two women, but between one lone woman and one woman who possesses his/their world. That is very difficult for anyone to overcome single-handedly.

 

That makes a great deal of sense, and would explain why so many stay.

[GypsumSatellite]

You CAN end the A. Quit contact and not give in. Block his email, delete from social networking, delete texts. You opt not to.

 

Your last paragraph I can relate to. My xMM was the same way. He was acting all lovey again once BS became suspicious and was given a heads up about his past events. When I wanted to end the A, he still wanted me in his life. I told him he can't focus on his M with me even as a friend. He didn't want to accept. I gave him no alternative. I'm hoping he's focusing on his marriage.

 

I'm not mentally ready to end it and I'm working to that end as my safety is my main focus. Already in therapy, handling the psychological side of things. It is not as simple as NC as we live close to one another. He has already demonstrated that to me once before and in particular every woman in his past is still right there in his present, to varying degrees. He likes people to become dependent on him, by any means. I did become dependent and am unraveling that dependency slowly.

[hippetyhop]

I'm not mentally ready to end it and I'm working to that end as my safety is my main focus. Already in therapy, handling the psychological side of things. It is not as simple as NC as we live close to one another. He has already demonstrated that to me once before and in particular every woman in his past is still right there in his present, to varying degrees. He likes people to become dependent on him, by any means. I did become dependent and am unraveling that dependency slowly.

 

Of course safety is number one.

 

It takes a lot mentally. I wasn't ready when I did it. I don't think there is ever a degree in which we are ready.

 

My xMM is my brother-in-law's best friend. I will see him down the line somewhere. I know it. I have to face the music one day. I can't hide from him forever. He brags about past women being readily available in some way, shape, or form? Very egotistic. Be the first one to crush his ego and say goodbye. Don't let him control you even from afar like a puppet on a string.

[ladydesigner]

Or what about those men who after d day have not left the house. They did not do the begging to stay, rather the BS begged, and the WS is not willing to do MC or anything in addition to stay staying, including not stopping talking to the AP, even though the AP ended the A with him with the terms of get out of the marriage or get out of the affair?

 

Who knows what goes through these minds. I'm confused and honestly sick of worrying about it. I'm learning not to care. He's obviously all mixed up and I don't need to put myself in the middle of it in reality or even just in thought. If he ever does leave, which he says he is soon, who knows, maybe I will still be interested. Maybe I won't. But I have made myself unavailable so he cannot string me along and so I can heal.

 

You will eventually stop caring. When someone continually makes you hurt and does not show they value you enough to be in a committed relationship with you, we may look past it at first but not forever. You'll stop caring whether you want to or not.

 

Ladydrib I feel the same way, even though I am a BS I can thoroughly relate to the 'learning not to care' part. And what you say at the end is exactly what happens with me when I am not valued enough. We have to value ourselves it is all we have.

[2sure]

I think that if MM whose needs were not being met in the marriage, had those needs met by having an affair....

Is going to stick with what works and have another affair.

 

Unless it was disclosed to his wife and he fully wants to reconcile.

[hippetyhop]

I think that if MM whose needs were not being met in the marriage, had those needs met by having an affair....

Is going to stick with what works and have another affair.

 

Unless it was disclosed to his wife and he fully wants to reconcile.

 

Exactly. Or, hold off until the waters at home are calm then try to weasel back to the AP depending how things ended.

 

Hopefully the next person my xMM picks doesn't spill the beans. He's halfway there with being on house arrest with a work permit.

[hippetyhop]

 

Note how those that seek affairs almost always describe a marriage where their needs are not met. This is all about expecting AP to "make me happy or to make me feel good".

 

During my A, that is what I strived to do. I strived to make him feel happy and good, to let him know someone appreciates him. I did too much.

[canuckprincess]

Or what about those men who after d day have not left the house. They did not do the begging to stay, rather the BS begged, and the WS is not willing to do MC or anything in addition to stay staying, including not stopping talking to the AP, even though the AP ended the A with him with the terms of get out of the marriage or get out of the affair?

 

Who knows what goes through these minds. I'm confused and honestly sick of worrying about it. I'm learning not to care. He's obviously all mixed up and I don't need to put myself in the middle of it in reality or even just in thought. If he ever does leave, which he says he is soon, who knows, maybe I will still be interested. Maybe I won't. But I have made myself unavailable so he cannot string me along and so I can heal.

 

You will eventually stop caring. When someone continually makes you hurt and does not show they value you enough to be in a committed relationship with you, we may look past it at first but not forever. You'll stop caring whether you want to or not.

 

After our dday number one almost two years ago his bs did all the heavy lifting. She bought sexy stuff to wear and even bought books on different sexual positions. It was quite sad that she did all the work. He was gettingthe best of both worlds. However just because you put a tutu on a pig doesn't make it a ballerina lol. I'm not calling her a pig I'm just saying it takes more then some reading to change everything. Now after 2nd dday I have no idea what she'll do this time to beg him to stay. Well whatever she does it will only be a matter of time before he wonders, it just won't be with me. The day after I ended things with mm I met a single man and have been dating for almost a month.

 

I miss my ex mm and I'll keep part of him in my heart as I know he'll do for me. I know without a doubt if he does start another affair she will look the other way cause she is too dependant on him to leave. Very sad.

[canuckprincess]

Exactly. Or, hold off until the waters at home are calm then try to weasel back to the AP depending how things ended.

 

Hopefully the next person my xMM picks doesn't spill the beans. He's halfway there with being on house arrest with a work permit.

 

Lol mine too I'm sure, can you imagine never trusting the person your with.

[hippetyhop]

Lol mine too I'm sure, can you imagine never trusting the person your with.

 

 

I miss my ex mm and I'll keep part of him in my heart as I know he'll do for me. I know without a doubt if he does start another affair she will look the other way cause she is too dependant on him to leave. Very sad.

 

To the best of my knowledge, she hasn't questioned him and it has been a topic they've avoided. It is like the elephant in the room, and she's likely in denial.

 

For as independent and strong his W is, she is D on him as spouses should be.

 

We were at an event where we first met, and a mutual friend of ours (his W's best friend) told me to stay away from him because he's nothing bad news. I should have listened. We started as friends. It makes me wonder how much his W really knows, especially with part of the cat out of the bag.

 

I just wonder if NC is as hard for him as it is for me.

[canuckprincess]

To the best of my knowledge, she hasn't questioned him and it has been a topic they've avoided. It is like the elephant in the room, and she's likely in denial.

 

For as independent and strong his W is, she is D on him as spouses should be.

 

We were at an event where we first met, and a mutual friend of ours (his W's best friend) told me to stay away from him because he's nothing bad news. I should have listened. We started as friends. It makes me wonder how much his W really knows, especially with part of the cat out of the bag.

 

I just wonder if NC is as hard for him as it is for me.

 

I'd say yes it is. Eventually the ws gets tired if the questions and the tears. They will miss the passion.

[hippetyhop]

I'd say yes it is. Eventually the ws gets tired if the questions and the tears. They will miss the passion.

 

Who'll miss the passion? WS and BS or, just WS?

[Owl]

I've skipped over most of this thread, but wanted to throw my experiences out there.

 

IME, affairs are addictive. And WS's act just like addicts.

 

When you end the affair...break the addiction...they typically go through withdrawls for some length of time after the affair ends. And those withdrawls are the same as any other emotional addiction withdrawl.

 

Anger, irritability, moodiness, depression, lethargy, mental confusion, loss of sleep, apathy towards anything outside of themselves...you get the picture.

 

For the first few weeks once NC starts...this is pretty typical of a WS. They're being denied their 'drug of choice'...and they act like it.

 

Once they start 'getting over' that loss...then typically they begin to act more normally. Appetite returns, energy returns, interst in family/etc...all slowly return.

 

And...their interest in their BS usually returns right along with it. They start to realize what they've done, how they've hurt their spouse. They start to get clear of that "affair fog", and see how much of the perceived 'problems' were often just that...perceptions only. They typically will slowly start to re-invest in the marital relationship...especially if the BS is insistent on that happening.

 

As long as NC is maintained...the longer they go without that 'fix'...the more they continue to change their focus off the affair, and off the OP, and back onto their day to day lives.

 

This is why the 'fake it til you make it' is a path that many MC's recommend. It works.

 

My experience at least, in the process that my marriage went through to recover from my wife's EA.

[hippetyhop]

I've skipped over most of this thread, but wanted to throw my experiences out there.

 

IME, affairs are addictive. And WS's act just like addicts.

 

When you end the affair...break the addiction...they typically go through withdrawls for some length of time after the affair ends. And those withdrawls are the same as any other emotional addiction withdrawl.

 

Anger, irritability, moodiness, depression, lethargy, mental confusion, loss of sleep, apathy towards anything outside of themselves...you get the picture.

 

For the first few weeks once NC starts...this is pretty typical of a WS. They're being denied their 'drug of choice'...and they act like it.

 

Once they start 'getting over' that loss...then typically they begin to act more normally. Appetite returns, energy returns, interst in family/etc...all slowly return.

 

And...their interest in their BS usually returns right along with it. They start to realize what they've done, how they've hurt their spouse. They start to get clear of that "affair fog", and see how much of the perceived 'problems' were often just that...perceptions only. They typically will slowly start to re-invest in the marital relationship...especially if the BS is insistent on that happening.

 

As long as NC is maintained...the longer they go without that 'fix'...the more they continue to change their focus off the affair, and off the OP, and back onto their day to day lives.

 

This is why the 'fake it til you make it' is a path that many MC's recommend. It works.

 

My experience at least, in the process that my marriage went through to recover from my wife's EA.

 

Thank you for your insight this, and I'm happy to hear that your marriage was able to recover.

 

How would it have been different if your wife had a PA and EA instead of just an EA? Do you think it would have been different if your wife had more than one EA; would she then be considered an addict?

Edited October 16, 2013 by hippetyhop