Adult child of divorce

[BoltonSi84]

Hey guys, newbie here, just stumbled across this forum and could use some advice/a place to vent, so please bear with me and let me begin by telling you why I'm here.

 

My parents separated just over a couple of months ago now, with my dad staying in their 'family' home and my mum staying in my spare room (mainly due to there not being anywhere else for her to stay whilst continuing to help out with the mortgage etc. on the 'family home') whilst they tried to work on things. Now my mum staying at mine has created one or two issues, the main one being that my dad has been ringing me 2 or 3 times a day for the past 2 months to check how she is, whether we'd been talking, what she was up to etc. which has been pretty tough on me to say the least. The cause for the separation is relatively simple my mum seems to have fallen out of love with my dad after a number of years of neglect at the beginning of their marriage (something he tried to change in the later stages to be fair) and doesn't see those feelings returning. Now during the separation they've been attending marriage/couples counselling to work through these issues and try and get back on the right track, but unfortunately it doesn't seem as anything has changed over the past few months.

 

It now seems that we're getting dangerously close to the point where a decision is going to have to be made one way or another (for all our well being/sanity) as to whether they stay together or go down the divorce route, in my opinion having chatted to my mum about things it seems like divorce is almost a certainty at this point, however it's obviously not my job to tell my dad this so have had to just keep up a facade when I've seen/spoke to him until my mum lays it all out for him.

 

Now my dad hopefully has some sort of idea that things probably were always going to go this way, however he's been so committed on trying to get things sorted with her that I think it's going to devastate him and am unsure what I'm supposed to do.

 

Do I continue letting my mum stay at mine whilst they go through things and be unable to grief/move on myself?

 

What should I expect from the impending divorce proceedings from my mum/dad?

 

Do I tell my dad the way things are going?

 

How do I distance myself from things for my own well-being?

 

Please, if anyone can give my any advice it would be so much appreciated.

[melissag]

This is awful. I am sorry that your parents are putting you in the middle of their marital problems - no child of any age should be subjected to that. I can see you are kind and loving to both your parents, but they need to be working this out on their own. I do not think that you need to be telling your Dad anything, nor do I think you should be the emotional support for your mother. She needs to talk to her friends, her family (excluding children), a therapist. Not you. I am sad for you that your parents are so consumed by their own troubles that they can't see what they are doing to you. You may have to set the boundaries here. Your mother needs to either go back to your Dad and work things out or find an alternative on her own, as she is an adult and you have your own life to live. Thinking that she can live with you should not factor into her decision about whether to divorce. Please make it clear that this living situation is temporary.

And tell your Dad he needs to speak with his wife, not you, about their problems.

[BoltonSi84]

Firstly thanks very much for your response.

 

Well, if I'm being completely honest my dad never asked me to keep tabs on her or report on her etc. I almost thought thats what I was supposed to do to help them both sort things out and now it's dangerously close to making me ill.

 

As for my mum staying with me, she's completely under the understanding that its only temporary, the only issue is that in order to afford a place on her own the 'family home' ,where my dad is staying currently (for which she's still contributing to the mortgage payments, council tax etc.) needs to be sold which could be another 6 months minimum. All the while I have very little personal space (even though my mum understands this and has tried to accomodate that) which I think is needed for me to grieve correctly and move on.

 

I just really don't have a clue how to behave, what to expect from it all and am dreading the next few months (especially with christmas around the corner!).