Is my boyfriend is secretly gay???

[loosinghope]

My boyfriend has been acting weird lately. He stopped being affectionate with me a little over a month ago, and recently went as far as to tell me "He isn't sure he's in love with me romanticaly anymore".. but that he doesn't want to break up. His whole family LOVES me and we all get along. His oldest sister and I get along VERY well. She's been telling me some things lately that he's been doing. I had some suspicions that he was fooling around on me. Unfortunatly I found prrof that he's been talking, flirting, and secretly meeting other people. The bad thing is.. they are men! He had a past of being bi-sexual, but he tells me and his family that is was over 2 years ago. He wants to have a family and a neuclear family. I don't know how to confront him about it. I found messages on his phone form this guy who was making comments about sleeping with him, I found e-mails with his pictures in them tryingt o sell himself to these guys. He's gone as far as meeting up with them at the mall. He quit his job, and hasn't found a new one yet, and his sister is starting to think he's meeitng up with these guys instead of going to the interviews. (He lives with his sister) She would tell me one thing, and the story he told me would be completely different. He's been lieing about a lot of things lately, that his sister and I are finding out, and it's making her really angry and myself angry. His family didn't handle him being gay before, and his sister is worried that he's in denial and trying to cover things up with me. His family was so excited when we started dating because I was all they had hoped he would find. Things were great for awhile, then when things got rough at work, he started to change. I'm not sure if he's confused, scared, or just not sure what he wants.. men or women. I have nothing against being gay. One of my closest friends is gay, and I have always told my boyfriend that I wouldn't hate him if he relised thats what he wanted.. but lieing to me is another story. He can't lie to me and have me understand. His sister also thinks he's trying to get ME to break up with him so that he can make himself look like the victim.

 

I don't know what to do. I don't want to believe this. I love him more then anything, but I hate liars and cheats and thats what he's being right now. I have tried to make him guilty and so has his sister.. to try and get him to tell me the truth, but it hasn't worked. I don't want to tell him that that I found these things on his computer, but then I also deserve the truth. Any help is a great help right now!

[moon]

I am sorry but it doesn't sound like your boyfriend is "secretly" gay. It kind of sounds like he is. You've found proof that he's been meeting other men and selling himself for sex with men???? Woe!! GAY, GAY, GAY! Who would do that unless they were gay. I'm not gay nor bisexual...so I don't know what exactly it means to be a practicing bi man as he's showing himself to be. I guess that should best be answered by one. But he seems to be acting very much like a gay man trapped in a straight man's body. I've never dated a bi man. I really wouldn't know what it was like to compete for attention from other men.

 

I'd definately confront the guy and tell him enough of all the lies. Maybe follow him (sounds shaddy but you need to know the truth). See where he goes. Or e-mail some of these guys who you know he's contacting and ask them what is really doing talking with them.

 

I think you maybe should be ready to hear what you do not want to hear. This guy is more into men. Not saying he isn't in to you in his own way......but he's pushing more towards men. And also cheating on you in the process. Not nice.

 

Good luck.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Originally posted by loosinghope

I have tried to make him guilty and so has his sister.. to try and get him to tell me the truth, but it hasn't worked.

 

Throwing a guilt trip on someone will only accomplish one thing: resentment. Either outward or hidden. Not a good way to go about things.

 

What you can do is confront him directly, and gently. Tell him you know about the other men, and that you do not appreciate his dishonesty. Don't try to force the sexuality issue, and don't allow him to make that be an excuse. That will get you two nowhere, and will draw the focus off of what the real problem is: dishonesty. Focus on the dishonesty, and work that out - and then maybe you two can have the sexuality talk. I expect he does need an understanding person to talk to, as he has been forced into being closeted by his family - but that does not excuse dishonesty. He needs to be honest with himself, and he needs to be honest with you. Maybe with some talking, he can begin to do both.