K Os Posted October 15, 2013 Share Posted October 15, 2013 For all those with kids - I'd welcome your views on this. My wife and I have been separated for 15 months now, and we (eventually) came to an agreement that our 15-year-old son would spend 2 weeks with me and then 2 weeks with her on a rota. Over time we have built a bit of flexibility into this so he doesn't have to move during exams, for example, and so long holidays are split more sensibly. I always give him a night or two leeway here and there, to give him some control and so that he doesn't feel like a powerless pawn in this stupid scenario. This year I've had to spend a few weeks abroad at a time, and miss my 'turn', switching the pattern again when I get back. Everybody is fine with this provided he doesn't have to make up for lost time. We've agreed that this isn't necessary (though I did try to argue it). What he likes is predictability and reliability of his timetable, and that's what I try to provide for him. When he isn't here I spend some nights away with family and friends, and have more of a social life. Yesterday evening he was supposed to come to me for 3 weeks, as his mother asked me to have him for the extra week over half term while she goes away on a 'training course' (yeah - enough said about that). I did the usual routine of food shopping, sorting the house out and so on, and had even cooked our evening meal when he turned up and said he planned to stay with his mother for another 10 days, just coming to me 2 days before half term. So, nearly 4 weeks with her followed by a week with me. The reasons being - school assessments that he wasn't expecting, and that after 2 weeks with his mother he 'feels settled'. I was completely floored by this, my expectations suddenly yanked away, and I got quite angry and upset. We argued and argued. Eventually I realised that the cause was lost, and I let him have his way. We will manage November in a hotch-potch sort of way and he will come to me for 3 weeks in December. To give him his due, he was genuinely grateful. We ate and parted ok. The rest of the evening dissolved into a sea of negative emotions for me, I'm afraid. I haven't been there for quite a while, and I know that's a positive thing. But today my head has that wooden feeling. I don't know how to prevent these episodes. What really burns me up is this - when he asks her if it's ok to mess up our agreement completely like this, she says it's fine with her but he'll have to persuade me. This, surely, is just wrong? She should be saying no, stick to the timetable and go to your dad's, here's your bag. I don't want to remonstrate with her about this because I don't want to reveal how much it upsets me. She'll enjoy that. Really had enough of being messed around. The structure helps me just as much as it helps him. I was floored yesterday. Any constructive thoughts are welcome. Link to post Share on other sites
MrE_UK Posted October 15, 2013 Share Posted October 15, 2013 Hi, At 15, leading up to 16, you're going to find he is going to want to make his own decisions and have freedoms of choice. Teenagers won't accept many boundaries and is like fighting against the tide. However, they are still vulnerable to impulsiveness and emotional precariousness, which will last until around 25. He won't be seeking permission to do something independent. He will ask all sorts of questions that will scare you to death. But he will only be asking as he is observing others who are older than himself in finding his own independence. Remain calm, answer matter-of-factly and don't be emotional. If you want to help your relationship with your 15 year old, here's some ideas: 1. As long as he is taking care of his responsibilities and living by the rules, give him his independence; but, be there if and when he needs you 2. Be proactive and give him some privileges without him needing to ask for them 3. Keep an eye for the times you could let him make his own decisions, and tell him it is his decision to make Not only will you build trust with him, but also it will have a positive result on your relationship and his growing up. It's normal. Otherwise, you may have a rebellious teen on your hands soon. Link to post Share on other sites
Author K Os Posted October 15, 2013 Author Share Posted October 15, 2013 Thanks, MrE. Those are helpful suggestions. 1. As long as he is taking care of his responsibilities and living by the rules, give him his independence; but, be there if and when he needs you The problem is I don't feel he is living up to his responsibilities and living by the rules. The rules say he should be staying with me this week. What do I do about this? The difficulty is that she is not supporting these boundaries, and I feel seriously undermined by this. If she is allowing him to bend the rules then how can I prevent it on my own? I feel she is giving him way too much independence, and only because it benefits her. Link to post Share on other sites
littlejaz Posted October 15, 2013 Share Posted October 15, 2013 My fear would be that by forcing the issue you may harm the relationship you have with your son. This situation is not his making and he should not be punished because of it. Being 15 is hard enough without playing peace keeper between your parents. I know it seems unfair to you but it is far more unfair to him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author K Os Posted October 15, 2013 Author Share Posted October 15, 2013 My fear would be that by forcing the issue you may harm the relationship you have with your son. This situation is not his making and he should not be punished because of it. Being 15 is hard enough without playing peace keeper between your parents. I know it seems unfair to you but it is far more unfair to him. I know this is true, littlejaz, and that's why I let him have his way this time, though it felt really wrong from my point of view. It's not punishment, though, I really can't see it that way. Simply in terms of logistics he can't just come and go as he pleases. We all have lives and diaries. I'm just trying to give it shape and order. For everybody. I don't want him to have the role of peacekeeper, I know that's not right either, but I don't feel it's me provoking these situations. I just have to let it wash over me, I suppose. It's just more passive aggressive behaviour from her - she doesn't have to do anything but agree, and she knows it'll hurt me. I agree he shouldn't be made to suffer by the situation, it's difficult enough for him as it is. It's hard, though, when it looks as though coming to stay with his dad is punishment for him. Makes me feel crap. She abandons her marriage, I stay put for my son, and he feels more 'settled' with her. Karma just ain't working... Link to post Share on other sites
littlejaz Posted October 15, 2013 Share Posted October 15, 2013 Karma just ain't working... I would guess just about everyone on here would agree with that. Link to post Share on other sites
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