Left empty and unfulfilled

[learman3]

I've been married for 30 years to a woman that can not show love or affection. I've coped with this for many many years, but as time goes on it has built inside of me and I have begun to wonder if it's me. I feel empty and unloved and believe me this has gone on for quite a few years now. If you see us we look like a happily married couple, for the most part. No one knows how I feel, except all of you, now.

[Philosoraptor]

And you've stuck around this many years... why?

[learman3]

It might sound stupid, but I do love her.

 

Internally I feel guilty for not feeling fulfilled, is it my fault?

 

Do I expect to much?

 

I am embarrassed to admit that I want a change, that maybe I want a divorce.

 

What would my family think of me?

 

Wonder if I can never find anyone to even want to be with me?

 

This might be as good as it gets and I'll throw it away.

 

It's all silly, but my mind works in a very strange way.

[Philosoraptor]

Fear is a horrible decision to put up with something. Do what you feel will bring you the most happiness, as life is too short to accept misery.

 

What are you missing exactly in the relationship? Have you spoken to your wife? Tried marriage counseling? What have you tried to do to get what you are missing?

[learman3]

No I have not spoken to my wife about this at all. How do you tell the woman you are married to that you feel empty and lonely and unloved.

 

I am missing affection. I feel as if I have the plague or something. She does not even casually touch me. When I leave in the morning we kiss, I give her a hug holding her tight to me. She places her hands on my upper arms and pats me.

 

Not being able to speak to her about the issues, there is no chance I could bring up going to counseling.

 

I try to be as loving and caring as I can be. I give her back rubs every evening when we go to bed.

[GorillaTheater]

I hear you Learman, and think I understand what you're talking about.

 

I've been married just two months shy of 30 years, and in a pretty similar situation. Time will tell how the story plays out. I'm going to do quite a bit of projecting here, so let me know if I'm close:

 

Thirty years provides alot of time and ammunition for resentments and a little bitterness to build up on both sides, particularly when they're unadressed. Maybe one or both of you tried to address it from time to time, but for whatever reason it went unheeded and in turn led to something else to be resentful about along with some kind of vow never to broach the subject again because "he/she doesn't give a f*ck how I feel about things anyways".

 

Add to the mix simple fear. Fear of hurting your partners feelings, fear of setting something into motion which may well spiral out of control, fear of the unknown, you name it. Step one for you will be to let go of the fear. Fear comes from being unable to control the outcome, and that's something we never control anyways. Whatever happens, you can handle it. Don't get me wrong, it's easier said than done; it's very much a (longish) process and not an event. Take a look at Glover's "No More Mr. Nice Guy". It's not about becoming a jerk, it's about examining why we do things that ultimately hurt us, and becoming authentic in how we deal with spouses, children, other people and situations, and most importantly ourselves.

 

When you lose the fear, and can state specifically what you want out of life and marriage, you can begin to constructively engage with your wife. And by "constructively", I don't mean that the end result will be that your marriage will be saved, but rather that you're dealing with the situation calmly and intelligently and giving your wife clear, ample opportunities to join you in your vision for the marriage or not. And knowing either way that you can handle it.

 

We need to earn our way out of marriage, brother. Start working. You're wife can't read your mind, and you can't even share what's on yours until you've clarified it for yourself.

 

This is kind of ee cummings-esque, but I hope something resonated.

[TigerCub]

No I have not spoken to my wife about this at all. How do you tell the woman you are married to that you feel empty and lonely and unloved.

 

I am missing affection. I feel as if I have the plague or something. She does not even casually touch me. When I leave in the morning we kiss, I give her a hug holding her tight to me. She places her hands on my upper arms and pats me.

 

Not being able to speak to her about the issues, there is no chance I could bring up going to counseling.

 

I try to be as loving and caring as I can be. I give her back rubs every evening when we go to bed.

 

How can she a problem if she doesn't know the problem exists?

 

You should talk to her, because you're being unfair to the both of you by just feeling miserable and not mentioning it - nothing will change and she won't even have a chance to hear you out or try to make things better.

[bubbaganoosh]

No I have not spoken to my wife about this at all. How do you tell the woman you are married to that you feel empty and lonely and unloved.

.

 

You just did. The problem is you waited for thirty years of feeling empty and unloved. That's your problem. If you felt that way 25 or more years ago, you should have sat her down and asked what the hell was her problem. To her, she may not know that's how you feel and it's hard to change after that many years.

 

You could tell her how you feel but I doubt she going to change after this long. She might but I wouldn't hold my breath.

[learman3]

 

Add to the mix simple fear. Fear of hurting your partners feelings, fear of setting something into motion which may well spiral out of control, fear of the unknown, you name it.

 

 

Yes, there is a lot of fear. I don't handle fear or conflict very well at all. At some point in my life I just told myself to it was better to be miserable than to face the truth.

 

I think you all have good points. It is unfair not telling my wife. How does she know what I feel, as I don't know how she feels.

 

I am not even sure I can say what exactly I need or want out of my life. Something I am going to have to reflect on and think about for sure.

[2sunny]

Time to get honest.

 

Allow her to understand how you feel.

 

 

How can she change it when she doesn't know you're unhappy about it?

 

 

Is there another gal you're eyeing?

[learman3]

 

Is there another gal you're eyeing?

 

 

There is no one else. I don't even have anyone to talk to about things. I googled to find a female friend and one of the places that came up was here. Was the female friend to be more than someone that I hoped I could talk to? I do not know for sure. I do think it was an out reach to find something more though.

[GorillaTheater]

There is no one else. I don't even have anyone to talk to about things. I googled to find a female friend and one of the places that came up was here. Was the female friend to be more than someone that I hoped I could talk to? I do not know for sure. I do think it was an out reach to find something more though.

 

Sounds like you're at the threshold of a slippery slope, Lear. Don't go there. The only thing people can't take from you is your honor and integrity. You, however, can give those away far too easily.

[2sunny]

Talk to your wife - you married her- she deserves your honest feelings.

 

She can't know what you won't tell. It's your responsibility to communicate honestly with her.

 

Can you sit her down today and tell her what you need changed within the marriage - and ask her if she's willing to grow WITH you?

[learman3]

Not knowing exactly what I want is really one of the big things.

 

I may have let this fester to long within me and I see so many things I do not like. There are some things I am not sure I can let go of either.

 

Some days I could even careless about life.

[GorillaTheater]

Not knowing exactly what I want is really one of the big things.

 

I may have let this fester to long within me and I see so many things I do not like. There are some things I am not sure I can let go of either.

 

Some days I could even careless about life.

 

It's very important to clarify in your mind what you want, as I've mentioned. Something "different" or "better" isn't good enough.

 

And it sounds like you need to get into counseling, besides helping you figure out why you should care about life, a good counselor will help you clarify your thinking about your marriage and give you the tools to get where you want to go.

 

I'm going to push Glover's book on you again. Take a look at his website, which includes a worthwhile forum:

 

No More Mr. Nice Guy

[Mr. Lucky]

Talk to your wife - you married her- she deserves your honest feelings.

 

She can't know what you won't tell. It's your responsibility to communicate honestly with her.

 

Can you sit her down today and tell her what you need changed within the marriage - and ask her if she's willing to grow WITH you?

Good advice.

 

Learman, would you be surprised to hear she feels the same way ??? Given your disconnection, I'm sure she's pulled back also. And just as scared and fearful as you. Today is the first day of the rest of your life ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[2sunny]

Not knowing exactly what I want is really one of the big things.

 

I may have let this fester to long within me and I see so many things I do not like. There are some things I am not sure I can let go of either.

 

Some days I could even careless about life.

 

Write a list of what you need from her. Present it to her and ask her if she's willing to participate on a level that will grow the M stronger and better...