Tough love or give in

[ItsHard09]

About two months ago i was approached by my wife of 15 years (we were high school sweethearts) who told me she feel like she has to were a mask around me and is not happy in our marriage and wants a divorce. Things were great we did things together laughed and had a great time and all the sudden just like that one day she just hits me with this. I am devastated and dont know what to do.

 

here is some background.

 

About 3 years ago my wife was diagnosed with Breast cancer. it was hard she had to go through 10 surgeries over the past 3 years and I feel I did everything i could to make sure she was taken care of and that our 3 children understood everything the best they could. At the time 3, 6, and 9. it was a difficult time, but she was strong and got through it all. Well about a year ago she was going out alot and I just thought hey she went through alot and deserves to have some fun. Well come to find out she was seeing someone else. When I caught her the excuse was I was not there for her emotionally and this guy was saying and doing the rights things. Anyway we somewhat worked things out and things seemed to get back to normal. In the spring of this year she started going out alot again. After i caught her last time she found out she had to have 3 more surgeries over the next year and this past april was her last so again i thought she went through alot and she deserves to go out. This time she is not cheating on me. I know she is not. But still going out alot. I finally got tired of working, than coming home and cooking dinner and taking care of the kids while she want out 3 or 4 times a week. i hate having to answer questions to the kids as to why mommy is not home at bedtime. So I said something like you need to try and balance you social and family time. Thats when she said she is not happy.

 

Little more background. When we found that she had breast cancer we moved into her moms house due to the medical bills. Her parents live in the mother in law suite and we live in the main house.

 

So anyway she said she does not want to be with me and wants me to move. Well since we are at her parents I stayed for about 2 months and finally got a place and moved. It has been so hard. i want her back she is the love of my life and I would do anything for her.

 

Here is the confusing part for me. During this whole time she continues to say she wants to be best friends. She calls or texts me everyday. We talk often, she still calls me babe and we joke around like nothing is wrong. i put on a front cause I dont want her to see I am miserable. But I am!! The other part is she still gets me to watch the kids all the time so she can go do things and of course I would do anything for her and I do want to see my kids. But she is spending no time with them and they are questioning it all and why she is not spending time with them. It is so hard. i want her back and figure if I let her do things and I help out maybe she will see how much I care. But another side of me says she is taking advantage of me and being nice to me to get what she wants. I pay her child support and alimony at this point, but she works a job that does not pay very well so of course when she calls and needs money I give it to her. I mean my kids need food!!

 

i guess i just dont know what to do. I want her back. But should i continue to help her out and let her do what she wants to do in hopes she wants me back or do I say sorry we are separated and you need to figure it out. I dont know tough love? It would hurt so much to do that, but i am at a loss at this point.

[ItsHard09]

I know thats how I should do it. But it will hurt me and I love her so much. I am scared if I do that she will be gone forever. But again maybe she already is and I am just fighting a lost cause.

[dumped2013]

Dude, I'm sorry for what you are having to deal with. Sounds to me like she has cheated on you and would continue to if you were still together. You might have a good case for full custody of the kids since it sounds like partying is more important to her than being a mother. Read others stories on this form. It will help you.

[ItsHard09]

The kids are seeing this to. Since I have moved out she has asked me every weekend to take the kids at least one day. which i dont mind as I want to be with my kids, but even when she is home she is outside on the phone from the time she gets home til she goes to bed. This is what my 13 year old daughter told me. I worry about her and my kids. But her mom is also there so she helps. tough love is hard cause i want the best for her.

[melissag]

I really feel for you, OP. My story is a bit different but we are pretty much in the same place right now and it is tough. I am trusting in the great people on this forum, whom all have more wisdom and insight since they are farther down the road. I do still listen to my gut but, since I am overwhelmed with emotion, I take what it says with a salt lick.

 

Right now your W is getting everything she wants - time to herself, a babysitter, your love and support. And what are you getting? You're getting crapped on. I agree that you should endeavor to speak with her only about the kids and let her feel the choice she is making. I hope others chime in re: what to do about watching the kids when she can't/won't bc I know my H is going to do this, and it is a tough situation. You don't want to be at your W's beck and call, but of course you want to do the best for your kids.

 

Nothing about any of this is easy, but I am glad you are here. It helps to read and post.

[ItsHard09]

It is good to read about this stuff. As hard as it is your are right. People on hear are further in the process than i am so i am glad people are giving advice on how to help. I just wish I had all the answers sometimes.

[secondfailure]

Man. I feel for you partner. I have been separated almost two months now. My situation is simliar to yours with a little twist. I did the cooking cleaning and disciplining and they were not my kids. She didnt go out alot but she didnt do much around the house. The thing I blame myself for is the way I lashed out. I was verbally abusive (so was she). But I have apologized me myself and God and I am learning from my mistakes. The no contact rule is tough but the each day that goes by you get better at it. I dont even know where she lives. She said she didnt feel safe around me... WOW, what a blow. But I have gone to the Divorce Care Support Group and they have ben amazing. But you have to at least start like everyone has suggested. This road is long, hard and winding. But you have to at least start. Like people said, come here, post often.

 

And I feel for you becasue you were there during the worst times. Like in my case. I was there for her kids when she checked out mentally at times. You kind of feel used. But God has a plan for you. I am not overly religous but in times like this no other relationship will heal the pain you are about to go through. it takes prayer, dedidication, perserverance, and every other definition you can thnk of to get you through. Lean on family and friends for support. Take it one second, one minute, one hour, one day at a time. Do not make drastic decisions at this point because you mind and body are about to go in shock...

 

Search for the 180s on this website. It has saved many of us from what you are going through. The more you beg, cry and please the further they run from you.

 

Good luck and God Bless.

Edited October 15, 2013 by secondfailure
Update

[ItsHard09]

I am reading through and I know it happens at times, but has anyone that has gone this route ended up getting back with their spouse and working things out and it being successful or is it just wishful thinking.

[K Os]

I am reading through and I know it happens at times, but has anyone that has gone this route ended up getting back with their spouse and working things out and it being successful or is it just wishful thinking.

 

A good question, and one I remember asking on here quite some time ago

It hasn't happened to me yet, but I do know that limiting contact helped me a very great deal and has led me to a place where I can see her behaviour much more clearly for what it is, see her more clearly for who she is, and to know that I really wouldn't want her back in her current form. I think it does come back together sometimes - I remember one regular poster who suddenly disappeared from this forum, and I think that was why. The important thing about this route is that, if you do get back together, you do it from a position of clarity and separateness. I feel it's only when you axe the defunct relationship that you can truly start a better one with the same person.

Edited October 15, 2013 by K Os

[CarrieT]

I am reading through and I know it happens at times, but has anyone that has gone this route ended up getting back with their spouse and working things out and it being successful or is it just wishful thinking.

 

She has already emotionally checked out so maintain contact -- i.e., as "best friend" -- is just giving her the crutch to continue. Read and learn about The 180. It won't be easy, but it might work.

 

Once she realizes what she walked away from, she may come back. We have seen it happen here, yes.

[ItsHard09]

Wow the 180 is pretty powerful. I can at least say i have started doing some of those things, but i can also say I still do some of them..lol. But i guess what i need to do now is tell her i am sorry but just a friendship will not work for me and I need to move on. than just do it and see what happens. I know she still loves me i can tell by how she acts towards me. But i guess the saying is true if you love something than let it go and if it was meant to be it will return. This is not going to be easy, but if i love her i just need to let go and stop being so available for her and her needs. Cause I am right now. She can call me right now and anything she ask me to do i will do it. She says jump and i say how hi. She wants a divorce, but she always wants me to be there when she needs a person to talk to or a person to help her.

[ItsHard09]

I am making this to convenient for her. She knows she can live this single life, But also have someone on the back burner when she needs help. That is not fair to me. i wold do anything for her and right now that anything is to not be there for her when she needs me. With her going through breast cancer i am sure it has put a new outcome on life. but that new outcome should be to spend your time enjoying your family and the husband that stood by you and was there for you. Not going out and living a single life. Again this is not going to be easy for me. but i honestly need to do this for her to, she needs to see what she is truly losing.

[ItsHard09]

I guess my question now is just start doing it or tell her I love you, but i cant be friends. i want to be with you but i cant be with you how you are right now. Again for the past several week since i moved out we text and talk daily so was just not sure how to approach this. Just cold turkey?

[secondfailure]

I guess my question now is just start doing it or tell her I love you, but i cant be friends. i want to be with you but i cant be with you how you are right now. Again for the past several week since i moved out we text and talk daily so was just not sure how to approach this. Just cold turkey?

 

Read the part about friends!!!!! That woke me up...

 

Herein, please find "The Caliguy No Contact Guide UPDATED" posted in thread of same name by Taramaiden on 10th Januarary, 2013.

 

[COLOR=#990000]The Caliguy No Contact Guide - UPDATED[/COLOR]

 

The Caliguy No Contact Guide - UPDATED

Hi guys!

Given the passage of time, new experience and better methods of helping those whose hearts are broken, here is the All-New Caliguy No Contact Guide - UPDATED!

It's long - but it will shorten the 'road' needed, for you to come out of this, a better person.

 

Q. What is no contact?

A. No contact is just that. It's breaking all ties to your ex.

 

Q. What is no contact for?

A.No contact, in brief, is meant as the best and quickest means for you to heal and move on.

 

Q. If I implement NC will I get my ex back?

A. Probably not, but that's not what NC is meant for. Yes, absence makes the heart grow fonder, but if you're banking on NC as a way to manipulate your ex back into your life - you are in for a rude awakening.

 

Q. What should I be doing to implement NC?

A. Absolutely cutting all ties to your ex.

That means no calls, no emails, no text/sms, IM's, absolutely no checking FB or Twitter - nothing. You need to vanish completely from their life and in the process, make them disappear from yours. In addition, get rid of their phone number, emails and email address, remove all the pictures/photos/memories/gifts. Anything that reminds you of the ex should be boxed up and put in a safe place out of daily view and easy reach. If necessary, get someone else to hold on to them for you.... after a while, you won't know what's there, and won't want it back, anyway...

 

Q. My ex keeps texting me, and nothing seems to put them off. What do I do about this?

A. First of all, delete their number and block it.

Then the next time they text you, reply IMMEDIATELY - with this message:

 

"Your message could not be delivered because the recipient has blocked this number."

 

Do this every single time they try to text you.

(Blocking/deleting numbers prevents calls, but doesn't always prevent texts.)

Pretty soon, they should give up.

 

Q. What should I be doing during NC?

A. First of all, allow the grieving process to happen naturally. You need to grieve a loss, but don't dwell on it. Hang out with your friends, immerse yourself in a new hobby and start working out. Working out is especially useful because not only does it release endorphins which help make you feel better but you'll start looking your best which will help you attract someone new. If you need Counselling, by all means go.

 

Q. I don't want to implement NC because I don't want to lose him/her.

A. Unfortunately - you already have. Clinging on to them or clinging to the hope you'll get them back will only keep you down longer. Additionally, the natural reaction of any ex when you cling on to them is for them to literally spring in the other direction. If you do have any chance of reconciliation, your best bet is to leave them alone and forget about them.

 

Q. My ex wants to be friends, is this a good idea?

A. No, absolutely not - especially if you are still in love with them. For the most part, Ex's will keep you as a friend so they have a 'back up plan' in case things fail with the new love of their life. Ask yourself if you're happy being #2 in someone's life. If so, more power to you. But if you respect yourself and have healthy self-esteem you'll never settle for being left hanging on a string.

Furthermore, keeping you as a 'friend' is designed to make them feel better about things - not you. Keeping you as a friend, is a way of relieving their guilt, and convincing them that hey, it can't hurt all that much, if you're willing to just be a buddy, right....?

Wrong.

See, it’s like this....

When the dumper extends the hand of friendship, well, that seems very kind and generous, but it's actually very thoughtless and selfish.

Your heart's just been ripped out and turned inside out by them leaving you - it's like a phase of mourning - so how s/he can tug at your heartstrings and expect you - as someone who still has deep-seated feelings for them - to just flip to 'be my friend!" Well, really - it's completely irrational and unreasonable.

But it makes the dumper feel really charitable.

"I don't want to go out with you - you DON'T rock my world, and you're not 'the one' but at least if I suggest staying friends, it doesn't make me out to be a callous person, and if you WILL be my friend, then I can't be that bad - and you can't be that hurt, can you?"

It eases their guilt.

Do NOT agree to this - it will prolong the pain, and cement the agony.

The dumper carries on in their merry way, texting you, friendly, verbal 'arm-punching' in a "we're such great buddies!" kind of way - and all the time, you'll be screaming inside "I want to get back together with you again!!"

The only time friendship will be possible, is when you can see them in the arms of another loving partner, completely happy, and holding their child - and think to yourself, "Meh... I'm happy for them, but, so what? It's cool!"

 

Benign Indifference.

That's what you're aiming for.

 

All this “Let’s just be friends” thing will do, is keep you clinging to the false hope of getting back with your ex, keep you down in the dumps much longer than you should be and ruin any chance you have of meeting someone new. So hey, if you want to be miserable, go ahead and be good buddies with your ex.

 

Q. I can't resist the urge to contact my ex! What should I do??

A. If you've deleted all their contact info yet still remember how to reach them, call a friend instead. Go and work out at the gym. Take a bike ride. Go for a jog. Do something to occupy your mind. Get out, don't sit around the house pining for your Ex. Because, guess what? They are definitely not sitting around with their new love, wondering why you aren't calling them.

Exercise releases endorphins, and after a while, the more you take care of yourself, the better you'll look. And the better you look - the better you'll feel.

 

Q. How long should I wait to contact my ex?

A. Never, EVER be the first to contact your ex!

If you need something back, ask a friend to go get it for you. If you have kids together, NC is almost impossible. The best thing to do is keep whatever contact you must have to a minimum. Don't argue with them, don't ask for a second chance, and don’t beg them to take you back. Just be very polite and business-like. You thank yourself later for being the bigger person. Additionally the best way to make someone see they're being an ******* is to not be one in retaliation. Let them vent and just be quiet. Sooner, rather than later, it'll hit them that they're being absolutely childish and you'll come out smelling like a rose.

 

Q. I've been on NC for some time and my Ex just contacted me, what do I do?

A. The question is: Why are they contacting you?

If it's just to get something back, box up their stuff and have a friend give it to them.

 

Otherwise, there's no need to reply. No matter what, don't contact them back right away. Don't answer if they call. Show them you have a life and you don't need them in it. Yes, it's kind of a game but at this juncture, it's a necessary evil. I know a lot of people might disagree, but first of all, I would want to know why the ex is contacting me. If they are having doubts, they will make it clear. If you respond to them, be sure to take a day or two to do so. This will give you time to think clearly about what you want to say. When you reply, make sure that it's polite and to the point. Don't make any small talk. Don't bring up the past (big no-no). Don't volunteer any information about yourself. Be the first to end the conversation. Do be happy, do smile inside (CBT) and know that you'll be fine. Trust me, if your ex wants you back nothing will stop them from getting in touch with you. And this is ideally what you want. You want them to initiate the contact because it will be their heart that has changed.

 

If they really want you back, then you have to listen out for the apology. The complete 180.

"I'm really sorry for what I did. I don't know why I did it, but all I know, is that it was the most stupid thing I've ever done. I want to try again, and will do whatever it takes to make it up to you, prove I'm deadly serious, and regain your trust. Please, can you find it in your heart to try again?"

 

Anything other than this - any small talk, any "so how are you?"s, any tentative chit-chat - is just breadcrumbs. Mostly, to appease their own guilt, make them feel better, and confirm that they can still yank your chain.

 

The only thing you should actually ever respond to is a clear and absolutely unequivocal signal, from them that they desperately love you and would do anything to be able to try again.

Anything - ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING - else - is just a way of chatting with you and keeping you simmering on a back-boiler until you are roasted, broiled, cooked, done, shredded, dried out and falling off the bone.

 

Remember: The question is NEVER "Why are they doing *this* or why have they said *that*?

The question is always, but ALWAYS:

"What do I do now?"

And the answer to that, is to not try to head-read, or second-guess. It's to keep on doing what you're doing. Ignore it, and stay in NC.

 

Q. What happens if I break NC?

A. You'll end up right back to square one and have to start all over. Trust me, while you are on NC with them and they are with someone else, you don't want to know how they are doing. You don't want to hear how happy they are. If you're nursing a shattered heart, you can't handle what they have to say. Why rip out the stitches, and tear the wound open again?

if you pass razor wire up one nostril and down the other, while poking your eyes out with needles - it will hurt only marginally less than talking to them, and getting nothing from them but pain.

 

Q. What if I see them in public?

A. Bottom line, avoid contact with them at all cost. If you can't, just be polite and smile and wave if they wave at you. If they want to talk, remember the rule. No small talk, no information. As far as they're concerned, it really looks as if you're doing great without them - even if you aren't.

 

Q. What if my Ex never contacts me?

A. Then it was never meant to be. Consider yourself lucky and smart enough to realise that, the sooner you implement NC and get on with your life the sooner you can meet the right person for you. That's really what this whole 'No Contact' deal is all about. Healing, and Moving On.

 

Q. What is the best way to get closure from my ex?

A. You will never, ever get closure, from your ex.

Writing letters, or arranging to meet 'one last time' to get closure, is a pointless exercise. For several reasons.

One: Very often, the dumper themselves, cannot really come up with a straight answer. They themselves may be confused about the situation, so you may get one answer one day, and a different one the next....

Two: They will lie. Either to protect themselves, or to protect your feelings. Which of course, is pointless, because they're shattered anyway.

Three: Any answers or responses you do get - will simply serve to prompt more questions on your part. Because deep down, all you want out of closure - is for them to do an about turn and admit they were wrong. You want them to change their minds.

Seeking closure just reeks of 'desperate'. And it will merely serve to break your heart again.

 

Closure, is like Vomit: It comes from within, but you need to get it out of your system.

So you have to face facts, get real and accept matters as they are.

 

Realise that none of us is immune to heartbreak. Consider each relationship as a lesson life teaches us for us to carry on to the next relationship. You know what they say: "What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger". I actually hate that phrase, but it seems to be true..... That's what NC does. It allows you to reflect on your past mistakes and grow as a person. Each time you fail in a relationship you gain invaluable knowledge that will aid you in the next.

 

There will be someone else, I guarantee you that. The sooner you cut ties with the ex, the quicker you heal yourself up, improve where you can and embed the lessons of your past - then the better off you'll be for someone else. Someone who deserves you. And someone for whom you will be a dream come true.

 

Above all, never tell yourself "I'm not good enough, no one loves me, blah blah blah." That's a self-defeatist attitude and kills your confidence and self-esteem. You are plenty good enough and someone will love you. You just have to be happy with who you are.

 

You simply cannot lose on an investment in yourself.

 

Once you've done the work, it's there. Forever

And you can share it with whomever you choose.

Be the best 'you' you can be.

 

Every step forward you make is one step closer to meeting the person of your dreams. It will in all likelihood, happen as soon as you have decided you respect yourself enough to take back your personal power. The power you give to your Ex every moment you spend thinking about them, wishing they would call or clinging on to them. Take back control of your life by vowing to move on. To accept what has happened. To let go completely. And become whole, to love again.

[ItsHard09]

i am all for the nc rule. But with kids i cannot be completely nc so i cannot just ignore her when she calls or texts me. due to it might be something with the kids. But i think my plan will be to answer or reply and if she just wants to chat and its not about the kids either not replying to the text or just say hey sorry got something going on and got to go if she calls.

[cozycottagelg]

I am in a similar situation (kind of), but I'm in the wife role. I'd really really like to think that my husband and I can remain really good friends when our marriage is over, but he has made it perfectly clear that it isn't an option. So I'm still here, not ready to lose our family unit or lose the last little bit of love he has for me. He told me if I ever meet someone else I will be dead to him...so there's also that.

 

I think the suggestions that everyone else has listed are best. If you want to move on, being there whenever she needs you is going to make that impossible. I wouldn't suggest ever turning your kids away because she wants a night out. Let her have her nights (as long as you don't have plans), but make it clear it's because you want to be with your children, not because you want to help her out.

[ItsHard09]

Yeah i feel the same way somewhat. But when her nights are 3 or 4 nights during the week and almost every weekend...which i dont mind. My only concern at that point is why dont I just have custody of the kids. Why I am paying child support when they kids are with me more. i would love to have my kids and I dont need child support from her. But she said she would fight it if I wanted them, but I feel right now it is more about the money and not the kids considering she would rather go out on the town than spend time with them.

[dumped2013]

I told my stbx not to call me. If she needed something only text or emails, then if it was important I would text her back. If it was chit chat I would not answer.

[dumped2013]

I would lawyer up and go for custody of the kids. I think you have a very good case.