lastresort Posted October 15, 2013 Share Posted October 15, 2013 My girlfriend of over two years lives with me and our kids all live here too. Recently we've been struggling. The other day I happen to walk up behind her while she was texting with her trainer from her gym. She was deleting conversations with him. I got pissed and called her on it. She said they are just friends and she let me see her string of texts with him. She had been texting him all day 50+ text through out the day. I didn't read them. I feel she is having an emotional affair with him. He opening a new gym now and wants her to work there and get certified to be a trainer. Since then she has quit texting with him cause she knows it hurt me and she says she loves me and nothing was going on. I believe nothing beyond friendship was happening but just makes it hard when she had that much contact with him for so long. He is in a LD relationship and she said they were just talking about their relationship problems with each other and about working out at the gym. I am just feeling dumb for letting this happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted October 15, 2013 Share Posted October 15, 2013 My girlfriend of over two years lives with me and our kids all live here too. Recently we've been struggling. The other day I happen to walk up behind her while she was texting with her trainer from her gym. She was deleting conversations with him. I got pissed and called her on it. She said they are just friends and she let me see her string of texts with him. She had been texting him all day 50+ text through out the day. I didn't read them. I feel she is having an emotional affair with him. He opening a new gym now and wants her to work there and get certified to be a trainer. Since then she has quit texting with him cause she knows it hurt me and she says she loves me and nothing was going on. I believe nothing beyond friendship was happening but just makes it hard when she had that much contact with him for so long. He is in a LD relationship and she said they were just talking about their relationship problems with each other and about working out at the gym. I am just feeling dumb for letting this happen. Yeah, there's reason for concern. This guy sounds like a predator and she's buying into it hook, line and sinker. There's NO REASON to be talking about the problems in each of their relationships with each other. He is trainer and she is client. That's what their relationship should be. Nothing more than that. So, many times I've read where wives and girlfriends bitch about any little problem to these guys and they would tell them, "You should never be treated that way." Or "If I were your boyfriend..." Making themselves their white knights. and "He totally understands me! He listens to me!" But the fact is, he only does those things to gain her trust and to get into her pants. I think you nipped it in the bud before it got out of control. Trust....but verify!!! Chances are she's could still be covering her tracks. Deleting her text conversations immediate after texting him.... guarding her phone....just be on the lookout for signs. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted October 15, 2013 Share Posted October 15, 2013 So, many times I've read where wives and girlfriends bitch about any little problem to these guys and they would tell them, "You should never be treated that way." Or "If I were your boyfriend..." Making themselves their white knights. and "He totally understands me! He listens to me!" But the fact is, he only does those things to gain her trust and to get into her pants. This is on the money true. I wish that I could like this post 10 times. Google "how to steal a woman from her man" and you will see that there are many sites that tell men how to do this. The standard advice always given is to first be their friend, and then use that friendship to let her vent about her man. These sites tell you that no one is perfect, so no matter who her man is, there will always be issues that they can exploit. On one such site is titled “Taking Another Man's Woman: Part II”. Typical of these sites, it says such things as “She has to perceive your intentions as being strictly innocent and friendly. Getting her to accept you as a friend is very important because later in the strategy, she will have to trust your opinion about her relationship. If she views your intentions as wanting to seduce her, she will not value your opinion.” Also typically of these sites, one site said "Cause/encourage the breakup. If you followed earlier steps, she should talk to you about the mistakes her boyfriend makes. If it's serious, let her know that what he does isn't right and she doesn't have to put up with it. Tell her you could never do that to her". Similarly, another site said "You want to make the girl you want to steal away feel like she can do a lot better than the guy she is currently with. How do you do this? It is quite easy. You want to wait for the perfect opportunity to get your jabs in. Sooner or later she will mention something negative about her boyfriend and when she does you need to agree with her and say something that suggests you would not do what her boyfriend did if you had a girlfriend.” Link to post Share on other sites
Assasda Posted October 15, 2013 Share Posted October 15, 2013 Your girlfriend did nothing wrong. Youre giving her a reason to leave you, because you're being insecure. Do not sabotage yourself NO ONE, i repeat, NO ONE, can "steal" a girl away, because it takes 2 people to make it work, and if you are confident in her, she'll be confident in you. If you were concerned, you should have jokingly say "You gonna leave me and get with some gut with more muscle, hehehe" and laugh it off like a joke, but you seem needy when you search her phone Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted October 16, 2013 Share Posted October 16, 2013 (edited) Your girlfriend did nothing wrong. Youre giving her a reason to leave you, because you're being insecure. 50 texts a day that she deletes to hide from her partner is a classic sign that she is at least in an emotional affair (EA). If she is in an exclusive relationship, then her being in an EA is cheating. Calling a cheater out on their cheating and putting an end to it is the opposite of being insecure; it is the actions of a confident and secure person that will not allow themselves to be disrespected. NO ONE, i repeat, NO ONE, can "steal" a girl away, because it takes 2 people to make it work, and if you are confident in her, she'll be confident in you. You need to read the infidelity forums of this site and other sites to see how wrong you are in this. If you do not observe good mutually agreed upon opposite sex friends (OSF) boundaries, almost anyone can be vulnerable to cheating, especially emotinal affairs where the person does not feel that they are doing anything wrong while they are doing it since there is no sex involved, until it develops further into also being a physical affair (PA). Over time every relationship has ups and downs, by them "talking about their relationship problems with each other" the other man (OM) is getting her to tell him when she would be most vulnerable to his advances. BTW, discussing relationship problems is another classic sign of an EA. The sad part is that she is giving the OM home field advantage by doing this since the OM will know all the weakness of the OP, while the OP would not know the weaknesses of the OM, or even that his relationship was under attack. If you were concerned, you should have jokingly say "You gonna leave me and get with some gut with more muscle, hehehe" and laugh it off like a joke, but you seem needy when you search her phone This type of fake joke, that everyone knows is not funny, is the worst advice that I have read on this site in a long time. Many men make this mistake in an attempt not to appear needy, but instead of not looking needy, you end up looking very weak and Beta, as you are unwilling to say directly what you really mean. Since the OP has good reason to believe that she may be cheating on him (at least and EA), he needs to address it head on and not worry about the fact that cheaters will always try to get the person that they are cheating on to feel like they are being jealous and insecure by questioning their actions. It takes confidence to call it like you see it, and to demand that your partner respect you and your relationship boundaries. Edited October 16, 2013 by Try Link to post Share on other sites
Assasda Posted October 16, 2013 Share Posted October 16, 2013 He says that he believes, "nothing more than a friendship is going on", so he knows that there is no affair taking place. Youre quick to jump, to the, bullsh*t that is an emotional affair. If so, I guess women have emotional affairs with their girlfriends all the time. It is just another way to control women, and it is insecure. I dont have to real any article on the ideal of, "stealing" women, because women are not property. It is absurd, and actually a little degrading to women. And, I dont mean anything of a "fake" joke about her leaving her. He should make a REAL joke, because if he's a confident man, enough, he can make that without questioning Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted October 16, 2013 Share Posted October 16, 2013 He says that he believes, "nothing more than a friendship is going on", so he knows that there is no affair taking place. Youre quick to jump, to the, bullsh*t that is an emotional affair. If so, I guess women have emotional affairs with their girlfriends all the time. It is just another way to control women, and it is insecure. I dont have to real any article on the ideal of, "stealing" women, because women are not property. It is absurd, and actually a little degrading to women. And, I dont mean anything of a "fake" joke about her leaving her. He should make a REAL joke, because if he's a confident man, enough, he can make that without questioning If he honestly believes that, then he wouldn't be posting here in the first place. The thing is, his gut is telling him something is out of wack. And can you HONEST:Y give me one good reason why you would need to text your personal trainer 50 TIMES in a day?!?! Yeah, you'll tell me, "Sure, they're friends." No, he's her trainer and she's his client. You can have a professional friendship, but a personal friendsip crosses professional lines. Plus, I have really close friends, but I don't even text them 50 times in a day. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted October 16, 2013 Share Posted October 16, 2013 He says that he believes, "nothing more than a friendship is going on", so he knows that there is no affair taking place. Youre quick to jump, to the, bullsh*t that is an emotional affair. I guess you missed the part where the OP says "I feel she is having an emotional affair with him." For your benefit, I re-posted the OP saying this below. I could make a fake joke about your lack of reading comprehension, but everyone would know that it was not really a joke. I feel she is having an emotional affair with him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Assasda Posted October 16, 2013 Share Posted October 16, 2013 If so, I guess women have emotional affairs with their girlfriends all the time. It is just another way to control women, and it is insecure. I guess, I thought that that would cover the explanation of emotional affairs. Seems like you like to use a lot of quotes for reference(if they're not used you get lost), so there you go. What can I say, I'm a confident man to make real jokes without being shifty eyed and nervous, and I'm trying to help this guy. Its OK if you want to help this guy too, but trying to project your weakness on to him is no the way to help the guy be confident in this relationship. About hip Texting her 50+ times a day, I believe that the poster said that, he wanted her to be a certified trainer. Jealously will break the relationship Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted October 16, 2013 Share Posted October 16, 2013 (edited) What can I say, I'm a confident man to make real jokes without being shifty eyed and nervous So you are advising the OP to ignore the following: * Her 50 plus texts a day with the other man (OM) * Her deleting texts from the OM, thus hiding them from the OP * Her talking about their relationship problems with the OM (including issues she has with the OP) * The fact that recently she and the OP have “been struggling” (which she is sharing with the OM) * The fact that she now wants to work with the OM at the gym * The fact that the OP feels in his gut that there is something wrong which is why he posted to this site. Your advice that he should make a joke of this matter would be viewed by the girlfriend as consent by the OP with her relationship with the OM. Jealously will break the relationship Not as fast as an emotional affair. Studies show that approximately 50% of emotional affairs progress to physical affairs. Since you do not beleive that emotional affairs are a big deal, your advice would seem to be to wait until then to act. Edited October 16, 2013 by Try 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lastresort Posted October 16, 2013 Author Share Posted October 16, 2013 Thanks for all the feed back, I think. lol I never read through her phone. She have me the phone to read through messages after I saw her delete. I didn't want to read them. Not my way of doing things. Jut told her she needed to stop with that much communication. She talked to him about it and he understood the boundary was crossed. He even friended me on FB. I know the guy too. He used to train at my gym. He know as our relationship and she feels awful that this went down. I have gotten over it and no I won't "snoop" through her crap to see what is going on. That is not how I role. She knows that us as a family is more important than talking with him so much. She offers last night to check her phone. I don't have the time to that. I may have over reacted but I think my point was made and she got it from there. I support her and her son. They live with my family in the house. Yah we had a couple very rocky days cause of this but I believe she isn't trying to be with this guy now. When this started I was going through some rough times with one of my sons being in the hospital and I kind of shut off my emotions to her while we figured out was wrong. I was spending a lot of time with my xW and she was concerned cause her and I were communicating and actually getting along so well. Things at home te last two days have been better. Just trying to get the relationship trust back after this incident. Once again thank you for the replies. Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted October 18, 2013 Share Posted October 18, 2013 When this started I was going through some rough times with one of my sons being in the hospital and I kind of shut off my emotions to her while we figured out was wrong. I was spending a lot of time with my xW and she was concerned cause her and I were communicating and actually getting along so well. Things at home te last two days have been better. Just trying to get the relationship trust back after this incident. Once again thank you for the replies. So rather than her express this concern to you she starts texting her trainer 50 x a day? I am going out on a limb here but I think you are just scratching the tip o the iceberg, Don 't be surprised if you discover contact was never broken because going from 50x a day to zero cold turkey is going to be difficult at best. Especially if this guy has been paying her compliments. You better nix that new job of hers working for him or you will be back here sooner than you know...lol Link to post Share on other sites
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