Delayed puberty, small junk and a weird life realization

[Johnsmith1003]

Man...where to begin. I'm warning you guys, the following is embarrassing and shameful on my part but whatever, I'm in need of advice regardless. o.O

 

So I'm 22 and only now just realizing that I'm not as different than anyone else. Bare with me, it's stupid. So all my life, and by that I mean the point from turning 13, I had a huuuge problem with my personal image. I didn't hit puberty until 17 (at that point people mistaken me for 9 years old) and that was only when I sought hormone treatment. My levels were in the 30s. Average for my age should've been over 300. So anyway I've always thought I had abnormally small junk because of the nearly nonexistent puberty (oh and the copious amounts of porn I watched didn't help the idea that I was irregular). I've always thought they were both connected in some way so from 13 I've felt inferior to classmates, friends and family because I didn't fit in. By 19, the hormone treatment really worked, except for my junk. I thought the hormone treatment didn't work in that area and sent me into a depression. I sought extended treatment for the "problem" when they simply disregarded me and sent me on my way (as you can see by now, I led a relatively extreme sheltered life). Keep in mind this inferiority I felt dominated my entire teen and early adult life. I was miserable, angry and whatever because I just felt inferior to everyone. I became very very lonely, and an outcast without many friends. Queue in meeting my now wife at 21. She thought it was fine, she told me it was fine but why would I listen to her? She's my wife that says nice things. Then my revelation came literally yesterday when, at the local gym, every other dude around me has the same size junk. Yup, every dude. So it hit me like nothing else. I've been normal all along but something so trivial and stupid dictated my life up until now, and now I can breathe. And you can too, of how retarded it sounded. My question is: why the hell did this create such an incapacitating issue which led to a pathetic teen-adulthood? Who can relate and offer advice? I'm just like having a 'what the hell?" moment. oh and btw, porn is bad. Not because of morality, but because it physically lies to you.

Edited October 15, 2013 by Johnsmith1003

[FitChick]

It's like watching sitcoms or movies where a stupid, fat, ugly man has a hot, smart wife.

 

It's fiction, not real life.

[Outsider77]

I think lots of people have problems like this. You think you are abnormal or "not good enough" in some way and it leads you to feel inferior and cause harm in your life. Some people do realize at some point that they aren't as strange as they once thought, some continue to feel that way.

 

Lots of guys have insecurities about their "junk". I have no idea why it's so important, but it's not uncommon. Women have similar issues about their bodies. Now that you realize you aren't abnormal, you should try to work out your feelings about it with a therapist and try to get beyond it. You don't need to let this affect the rest of your life.

[crederer]

You were comparing your junk to porn junk? Lol dude....cmon. That's like comparing how good you are at sports by comparing yourself to pro athletes.

[GorillaTheater]

I'm honestly glad that the story appears to have a happy ending. I imagine that alot of people get through childhood without having a bunch of "ghosts" following them around, but I wasn't one of them either. I had a distant dad and an abusive mom, and however that screwed me up, I over-compenstated with over-aggressiveness and small-scale criminality. It took a while to get my head screwed on straight (although there are some who would take issue with that ), and I credit the military with alot of my growth. That, and understanding that just like me, my parents were flawed people who did the best they could with what they have.

 

But whatever it takes, make sure your ghosts are in your past, including counseling. Those f*cking ghosts can have a way of following you around for the rest of your life otherwise.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Man...where to begin. I'm warning you guys, the following is embarrassing and shameful on my part but whatever, I'm in need of advice regardless. o.O

 

So I'm 22 and only now just realizing that I'm not as different than anyone else. Bare with me, it's stupid. So all my life, and by that I mean the point from turning 13, I had a huuuge problem with my personal image. I didn't hit puberty until 17 (at that point people mistaken me for 9 years old) and that was only when I sought hormone treatment. My levels were in the 30s. Average for my age should've been over 300. So anyway I've always thought I had abnormally small junk because of the nearly nonexistent puberty (oh and the copious amounts of porn I watched didn't help the idea that I was irregular). I've always thought they were both connected in some way so from 13 I've felt inferior to classmates, friends and family because I didn't fit in. By 19, the hormone treatment really worked, except for my junk. I thought the hormone treatment didn't work in that area and sent me into a depression. I sought extended treatment for the "problem" when they simply disregarded me and sent me on my way (as you can see by now, I led a relatively extreme sheltered life). Keep in mind this inferiority I felt dominated my entire teen and early adult life. I was miserable, angry and whatever because I just felt inferior to everyone. I became very very lonely, and an outcast without many friends. Queue in meeting my now wife at 21. She thought it was fine, she told me it was fine but why would I listen to her? She's my wife that says nice things. Then my revelation came literally yesterday when, at the local gym, every other dude around me has the same size junk. Yup, every dude. So it hit me like nothing else. I've been normal all along but something so trivial and stupid dictated my life up until now, and now I can breathe. And you can too, of how retarded it sounded. My question is: why the hell did this create such an incapacitating issue which led to a pathetic teen-adulthood? Who can relate and offer advice? I'm just like having a 'what the hell?" moment. oh and btw, porn is bad. Not because of morality, but because it physically lies to you.

 

 

 

 

Somewhere in all of this is some inspiration for somebody out there... but there is a whole lot to sort through before one isolates the inspiration.

 

Firstly, I don't know that "shame" is the right word.

 

I can think of a woman who tells quite honestly of not having hit puberty until after turning sixteen, so if that's somebody I can actually read about, then it seems entirely plausible that many others don't arrive until 17.

 

So, the part where you watched porn, and somehow decided (largely based on that) that your own penis was abnormally small... kinda throws me, because one so seldom sees a flaccid penis in porn.

 

IF as a 13yo you let your mind compare what was then your small-seeming size to the great big, huge members in porn, then this may be a rare true case for those who talk about comparisons to porn being unrealistic.

 

However, based on all you've implied, its as if the normal 13yo in you created a lot of this for himself (based on some of the many reasons that we as a society don't, generally, encourage 13yo's to delve into porn viewing).

 

(mind you, we know they're gonna look, but apparently the 13yo mind just isn't ready to deal with constant interaction/exposure to porn)

 

 

I can't even imagine the revelation you must feel... and nobody should knock you for not having had a fair gauge by which to measure/monitor your own physical evolution. (in many places, high school gym showers have gone the way of the Dodo Bird)

 

I don't even know what those along the path of a young person's life should really learn from what you offer. I know that I'd much rather have porn out there as a means through which most people have to compare/measure their own seeming normalcy (as they grow up, as teenagers, who are so typically alone in many ways) rather than give-in to this one story of porn potentially having made it much easier for your self-conscience to lie to you in detrimental ways over all these years.

 

I just... can't fathom the idea of a woman evolving all the way through her pre-adult years having never viewed another naked form... and then, somehow, reaching her wedding day never having had sex, and having no frame of reference at all for/about her own normalcy, let alone any sense for what her new husband should/will look like naked.

 

At least I can rely on guys seeking porn at some point, but with so much scrutiny on the education system today, schools can barely afford to much more than hint at the realities associated with human anatomy, so where else are young females going to gain a better sense of their own normalcy than what you had while growing up? (reminder/clarity - I remain well aware that the O.P. is a guy)

 

You are clearly a one-in-a-million example, but it all makes logical sense.

 

I hope it hasn't unfairly impacted your marriage to date.

[Johnsmith1003]

Well it hit me like nothing else. I mean, as a frame of reference, a co-worker said something seemingly hurtful yesterday, and at ALL normal circumstances I would become angry and challenged, and let it irritate me for days on end. Not then though. I laughed it off, without any resentment attached to it. I felt new and relieved. I never relied on high school gym rooms because I steered clear from them in the first place. Once high school became my reality, it was chiseled well into my mentality that I was abnormal, so I'd never step a foot in those things. I seem much happier, and gaining a sense of well-being and purpose but still for something so seemingly pointless in the first place. My married life is great. No stigmas attached to it. She's happy and I'm happy. I lost my virginity at 21, and only when she promised it would be okay, and that she'd never judge. Turns out, she didn't have a reason to judge in the first f*cking place. Go figure.

Edited October 16, 2013 by Johnsmith1003

[SincereOnlineGuy]

God, this still rings as being so real...

 

 

(not for me - thankfully - but I can so clearly understand how it gets from your point A to your point B)

 

... and it is comical that so much is said about women comparing themselves to the women in porn!!

 

Maybe I'm supposed to step back, from having heard your story, and find a better way to cause women to eventually conclude as you did.

 

I mean, when everybody arrives at high school for the first time, apparently the confident ones float around and find one another as might the last Cheerios in a bowl... and then they, for having done so, come to be the "in"/(confident) crowd... while everybody else just sits idly by in relative insecurity.

 

So women possibly gaze at porn and sense/perceive confidence that men like, but for their not being able to see it, physically, those women instead let themselves believe that the porn starlets have something physical that they must not have.

 

(and nobody else can see it either, to set those women straight)

 

But perhaps you've really unearthed something here. (the catch being that everybody else will observe, mainly, that you watched a lot of porn growing up - and attribute everything to that alone, without recognizing what an idle teenage mind can do to itself)

[LilGirlandOW]

I was the female version of your story.

 

All my gf's started becoming women at around the same age, then there was me... I didn't even start to develop what so ever until I was almost 17, got picked on by girls and boys for this and it crushed my self esteem.

 

Then I hit my early 20's and I couldn't understand how I was worthy of the attention of the opposite sex. It took a lonnnnggggg time for my self esteem to gAther enough together to feel worthy.

 

Today, I'm early 30's and I appreciate that I was a late developer, I learnt a lot about my peers that way, as well my self

[JamesM]

I understand how you feel. And as GT said, I am glad this turned out happy. Some guys and gals go into adulthood never figuring this out and end up lonely and depressed.

 

I was always short and skinny and young looking. I was also a late bloomer. In fact, two years after high school, a friend met me, and she said, "James! You have gone through puberty! You always had a face as smooth as a baby's butt!" Why? Because I was sporting a full beard which was quite strange since I first shaved when I was almost 18. I was 5 ft 6 in when I graduated and was nearly six foot two years later.

 

I guess I thought I was abnormal too during high school, and it did make me shy...until I reached college. Then I woke up and began enjoying myself.

 

As for porn showing the larger than normal....honestly, like you, I thought guys in porn were normal. How is a young teen supposed to know differently unless he asks, and how many of us ask?

 

I am glad you had an epiphany and are doing better. I gotta be honest though...I think I am normal in the "junk" department. I never really compared it too closely. But as you said, my wife is okay with it, and I guess that is all that matters.

 

Don't you look back and wish you could tell your 13 year old self some things? Wouldn't you love to be able to tell him that everything is normal and all will turn out okay? I know I always have.

[Johnsmith1003]

I understand how you feel. And as GT said, I am glad this turned out happy. Some guys and gals go into adulthood never figuring this out and end up lonely and depressed.

 

I was always short and skinny and young looking. I was also a late bloomer. In fact, two years after high school, a friend met me, and she said, "James! You have gone through puberty! You always had a face as smooth as a baby's butt!" Why? Because I was sporting a full beard which was quite strange since I first shaved when I was almost 18. I was 5 ft 6 in when I graduated and was nearly six foot two years later.

 

I guess I thought I was abnormal too during high school, and it did make me shy...until I reached college. Then I woke up and began enjoying myself.

 

As for porn showing the larger than normal....honestly, like you, I thought guys in porn were normal. How is a young teen supposed to know differently unless he asks, and how many of us ask?

 

I am glad you had an epiphany and are doing better. I gotta be honest though...I think I am normal in the "junk" department. I never really compared it too closely. But as you said, my wife is okay with it, and I guess that is all that matters.

 

Don't you look back and wish you could tell your 13 year old self some things? Wouldn't you love to be able to tell him that everything is normal and all will turn out okay? I know I always have.

 

 

Yeah, if I could go back I'd slap the hell out of me. Sometimes I wish I could just physically go back and relive my high school days. With the mentality I have now, I could be more confident and intellectual about things I previously felt confused about.