I'm in my early 20s and only have two real friends

[im_thedude]

I'm a 22-year-old college graduate currently working at a job unrelated to my field to help build credit and get myself on my feet as an adult. I have good job prospects when I do decide to start my actual career so I made a calculated decision to take this job as a barista to save up money and prepare myself to shift gears and move out of my parents house.

 

At least to me, all of this still sounds like a good course of action, but I can't help but feel like I'm in a rut. My ex dumped me over two months ago and I'm still grieving through that, but even with that aside I find myself still feeling pretty depressed and uninspired. After the relationship ended, I did all the things people suggested - take up new hobbies, focus on inner happiness - but it's all felt so hollow to me. I upgraded all new gear for my guitar playing, but the enjoyment I get out of that just feels so small, relative to how happy I was when I was in a relationship.

 

I get out and drive around town often, trying out new restaurants and cafes, and while it's fun flying solo I still have that pulling feeling in my gut that wishes I had someone - romantic or not - in the passenger seat. I love talking to people, and above all else that's what I miss from being in a relationship. I only have two people that I would really consider my friends, and I've known them all my life and love them to death. They've filled in admirably, but I still have this lingering loneliness that I am desperate to get rid of.

 

I want new friends, but have never had to deal with going out of my way to make new friends. My new work associates are cool, but they're younger than I am and frankly we have nothing in common and I want more mature friends. I'm out of college and missed the chance of establishing lots of new friendships when I was in college. Ultimately, I don't think I've found that happiness everyone in the relationships section of these forums told me to seek out after the break up, and I'm wondering how I find it.

[theothersully]

I'm waiting on this answer too. Sharing the fun in life with other people is magical. I can't do things alone either, because without someone there to say, ”wow, wasn't that awesome!?!"it's just boring to me.

 

Same sort of situation you are in...just later in life.

[Copelandsanity]

1. Find some time everyday to do some brief gratitude training. Spend five minutes thinking of 3 aspects of your life you are grateful for and why you are grateful for them. From your original post, one of them is the friendship you already have. I've read that one out of four Americans don't have someone that can to talk to about about the important things in their lives. That's a lot. Also right now, you're young and full of idealism and hope, but once you get older, you realize that the number of actual meaningful connections you make in your lifetime are few and far between. Quality is more important than quantity. One thing to think about is doing new things with the friends you already have.

 

2. The answer to your problem is in your post. You have to go out of your way to make friends. Much like a job search, you have to find potential Meetup groups, clubs, organizations, and events to apply to, attend, make a great impression, and follow-up on. The easiest way to do this is to socialize your hobbies. Since you like to eat out and try new restaurants, perhaps you can try out a Meetup group for ethnic food lovers or a cooking class. Since you like to drive around, perhaps you can try out race car driving as a hobby and join a club or organization specializing in it. Ultimately, the key is putting yourself in a position to socialize, see those people as regularly as possible, and if that's not possible, then to acquire their contact info and set up a future get-together.

 

3. Make sure you get some meaningful social interaction everyday, even if it's just a phone call to a friend or family member. It's important to maintain this habit to keep loneliness and depression at bay.

 

4. Finally, since you're still grieving the loss of your gf, don't be too hard and put too much pressure on yourself. Take it easy and be self-compassionate. Happiness on your own is necessary before you make meaningful connections with others. Ultimately, they are not in your life to complete you, they are there to add to the happiness you already have with yourself.

Edited October 15, 2013 by Copelandsanity

[Criticality]

I dunno man... One thing that has worked for me in the past, is to get to know people online, and then take to an IRL thing.

 

But honestly, I never really thought about it that much, cause its always been pretty easy for me to get to know people.

 

Maybe try to get a job with slightly older coworkers?

[im_thedude]

 

2. The answer to your problem is in your post. You have to go out of your way to make friends. Much like a job search, you have to find potential Meetup groups, clubs, organizations, and events to apply to, attend, make a great impression, and follow-up on. The easiest way to do this is to socialize your hobbies. Since you like to eat out and try new restaurants, perhaps you can try out a Meetup group for ethnic food lovers or a cooking class. Since you like to drive around, perhaps you can try out race car driving as a hobby and join a club or organization specializing in it. Ultimately, the key is putting yourself in a position to socialize, see those people as regularly as possible, and if that's not possible, then to acquire their contact info and set up a future get-together.

 

 

I can't help but feel like I'm too young to have to hunt for friends. I was browsing through Meetup.com and looking at some of the various groups and the vibe I got from the user base was that most people were older and possibly recently relocated. I also had signed up (and paid money for!) Match.com and it's just been really depressing because, again, I can't help but feel like I'm too young to have to resort to finding dates online. I'm not on Match because I'm too busy to go out and meet people. I'm not on Match because I just moved to a new city. I'm on Match because I really want to meet someone new and this dumb website was the best idea I could come up with. No disrespect intended for those who've had success meeting new people through these ways, but for me it seems so inorganic and awkward.

 

(By the way, it's a massive waste of time and money and I've had no luck meeting anyone on it!)

 

I actually am an "Elite" member on the website Yelp, and get invited to these special gatherings all the time. I've never been - but I'm itching to get out to one of those now. Someone had suggested taking night classes at my local community college for fun, and that may net me some new friends. It seemed like a good idea until I pictured myself showing up for class the first day and scoping everyone out for "potential friends." Then it just made me feel silly

 

 

Maybe try to get a job with slightly older coworkers?

 

All of these feelings of being in a rut have actually made me consider getting my career started sooner than planned, just for the opportunity to get myself around some new people. But I think it would be a brash decision - I want to start my career when I'm ready, not just for the promise and hope of meeting new people.

Edited October 15, 2013 by im_thedude

[f1asr88]

I'm in the same boat

At the age of 25, I have no close friends. I went to university, played in sports teams, talked to people, and did make a few acquaintances who I'd very occasionally do other stuff with.

But now, four years after graduating, I'm still back in my home town.

I play football with some guys I know, go to the gym, but when it comes to hanging out, everything here in the UK seems to revolve around getting drunk, going on nights out, talking really crudely about women etc.....

That's just not what I like to do, so outside of those sport activities I engage in I have no social interaction with anybody at all.

I get on really well with my much much older (middle aged, 50+) colleagues at work, and regularly laugh and joke with them, they've said in the aftermath of my recent horrible break up (with the only girl I've ever really spoken to or hung out with, let alone loved) that I'm a great guy, nice guy, I could easily meet another girl etc.... I'm really shy though..

I feel like I don't really fit in with my peers be honest, like I'm an old fart in a young man's body!

That said I'm not especially depressed, I just feel that things would be better if I had someone I cared about to share my life with.

For three years my Ex GF was my best and only friend, and that was enough for me.