Anyone dated an addict? !

[willpower654]

I just moved in with my fiance in aug. He has a daughter from a previous relationship who is 7 and comes over every other weekend.

 

When I first met him, he was working out, not smoking weed (for 6 mnths), and eating healthy (other than smoking ciggarettes). He had smoked for most of his teenage life and up until now he is 27 years old.

 

Okay fast forward to now he is high 24/7. I have recently found out that he has done cocaine occasionally when he drinks and parties with his friends... We all went out for a few and two of the guys came back to our house.. Needless to say they all know I don't do drugs at all, and I came into my living room to find the friends and my fiance doing coke on my living room table. I didnt freak out because I know how coke users can get so I did not want them to feel judged and turn on me or something. I went upstairs to bed.

 

The next morning he apologized etc..

I told him very calmly I wrote him a letter and I need to leave him. He tried to quit smoking weed for the day made it to 6pm and smoked again.. Then disregarded my wishes for him NOT to smoke in our home. He told me some bs story about how much he loves me and that once his docs appointment is over he will quit.

 

My biggest issue with all of this is his lack of respect for me, and the fact that he doesnt take me serious at all. I am so lost.

 

I have told my fiance that I hate the fact that he smokes weed and have asked him numerous times why he does, and how he got to now smoking so much everyday from nothing when I met him... His excuse is his pain from injuries and as soon as he gets stressed he's gotta smoke. I see how different he is when he is high and when is not and I really am starting to realise I didn't fall in love with who he is now.

 

So basically I am wondering... I cannot live my life policing what he does, and I do care for him and I wish I could help him get to a point where he is not dependant on the weed. As for the coke I am surprised, and I still have nothing to say about it. I can't believe it, especially the way he talks about other people who do it (is that a normal thing for ppl to do so that others dont think they do that particular drug?).

 

My question to others is if you can share your similar stories with me, and also is this even worth it to stay and try and help him??

 

I know life will be 1000x harder for him if i leave.. but i am in school right now for nursing and working full time. My heart is so broken. I have myself quit smoking ciggarettes since yesterday in hopes that he will gain some will power from mine.. but I am sure I sound really naive.

 

I cannot believe I am here in this situation right now... and the shock has been since saturday.

[CarrieT]

I cannot believe I am here in this situation right now... and the shock has been since saturday.

I have been there. I lived with an addict for 2 1/2 years and it almost killed me. And it almost killed him. His addiction (alcohol) was so bad that he ended up in the hospital more than once.

 

I know life will be 1000x harder for him if i leave.. but i am in school right now for nursing and working full time. My heart is so broken. I have myself quit smoking ciggarettes since yesterday in hopes that he will gain some will power from mine.. but I am sure I sound really naive.

Here's the thing - you can't save him, as much as you want to. His addiction will tear you down and until he wants to come clean for HIMSELF, he will never do it for you. Ever. As much as you love him, the love you two have is not as big or as strong as the addiction.

 

This is tough love: He will always love getting high more than he loves you. And until he loves himself and his sobriety more than the addiction, it will continue to erode your relationship.

 

Get out now, while you can.

[davidhdl]

I agree with everyone comments regarding the addictions that other people have.My ex has a bad habit of zanax.She left a month ago with nothing but was on her back.I have learned over the past month that thered is nothing you can whatsoever, nothing.I enabled a zanax woman for over 2years.The thing that i know for sure,and believe me when i say this,when they leave you the only thing that i can guarantee is you will be picking up the pieces of your broken heart.If you can rear my post about zanax addictions.

[willpower654]

Carrie: Did he ever get sober? If so how and what was involved?

[melell]

Yep I have, and I work with addicts. One thing I can't emphasize enough is that you shouldn't take their actions personally NO MATTER WHAT.

 

Don't let someone picking drugs over you effect your sense of self worth.

 

It is the nature of addiction, nothing is more important in the midst of it, and it is hard as hell to make sense of why they do what they do.

 

Walk away, pick yourself up, and turn your whole world back onto doing what is best for you!

[Tayla]

Its odd that non addicts think "willpower" or lack there of is what creates the illness or Cures it....

 

You are not responsible for this persons illness, you are not responsible for "care taking" to them.

 

You are only responsible in being honest and letting the person know that their illness/addiction needs to be managed thru recovering and healing. Anything after that is up to them.

 

Dated users ...yup. Learned alot ....Learned more when I set out to recover and gently closed the door to that life style. Life is sweeter without.

[cristy]

I'm starting to think I have.

 

We dated for 2 years. He smoked pot even before we met. I always thought of it as something normal. I don't know where all you guys are from, but in my country this isn't weird at all. Many people smoke on regular basis, so I didn't really care at first. He smoked every day, one minimum. When he didn't have to go to work, around 3.

But then, he would contradict himself when we talked about our relationship. His mood changed radically and when he got a job things just got worse. Almost all the time he didn't spend at work (he worked for 9 or 10 hours as a waiter) he was high. He started loosing interest in doing things.. like go for a walk, the movies, out to dinner... he didn't even want to have sex. He would blame it all on his work, he said he was tired.. but he's 24. Can 10 hours of work really tire someone that much?

Now after we broke up, many people some of them in this forum have pointed out that his addiction might have something to do with our break up. I had never thought of it as an "addiction", certainly he doesn't think he is. Although I had never seen him go without it for a while..

What really started me thinking it might have something to do with our break up is that, when he indeed decided to break up with me, five minutes earlier he had said "I know when we fight I say I wanna break up, but deep down I never really mean it." Literally, five minutes later, he said it's not working out, I don't even love you anymore, we have to break up.

I said it in another thread,.. it was like dating two different people.

 

What do you guys think? Is he addicted and he doesn't know/doesn't want to admit it?

[melell]

Cristy- I know what you mean. Everyone seems to smoke, it is a hugely social thing and pretty much the 'norm'. When I met my ex he smoked regularly, but I was really used to people smoking and never considered it a 'red flag'. It became worse, and had definite effects on moods. He eventually went to other drugs and things got worse.

 

I think it is really important to distinguish an 'addict' from a 'user'. My ex was an addict by nature, whereas some people I know smoke regularly and they stop all the time with no problems.

 

I think it effects everyone differently.

[cristy]

Melell - That's exactly what I'm trying to figure out... But I don't know where to draw the line between user and addict. I mean, he doesn't consider it a problem, but if it affects your life like that... And clouds your mind as well.. It can't be good.

I smoked myself. You know, I had a phase. Like I would get together with some friends, usally in summer, and we'd smoke one together and have some laughs. No big deal at all. But he does it even when he's alone. And sometimes I've cought him saying things like "it's because I need to relax" or "I'd rather smoke than think about things". Don't know, maybe i'm trying to explain the unexplicable.

[melell]

Melell - That's exactly what I'm trying to figure out... But I don't know where to draw the line between user and addict. I mean, he doesn't consider it a problem, but if it affects your life like that... And clouds your mind as well.. It can't be good.

I smoked myself. You know, I had a phase. Like I would get together with some friends, usally in summer, and we'd smoke one together and have some laughs. No big deal at all. But he does it even when he's alone. And sometimes I've cought him saying things like "it's because I need to relax" or "I'd rather smoke than think about things". Don't know, maybe i'm trying to explain the unexplicable.

 

I feel like the things you have mentioned are leaning towards the addict side of things. The biggest problem imo is when someone uses it as a tool to avoid things, relax, etc. It means that after awhile they lose to ability to do deal with things on their own. Terrible pattern to get into.

 

From my experience I would say walk away from the situation. I know it is different for everyone though, so it is always hard to know what is best.

I do think that even though it is common, it is still really detrimental to relationships, there is no denying that.

From a mental health perspective it leads to avoidance and depression. It also has an effect on serotonin levels which is why it is linked to the development of mental health disorders. Basically causing a chemical imbalance, which is often only corrected with medication.

From a physical health perspective it leads to raised estrogen in men, decreases sex drive, mood, and can be dire for fertility. Leads to a whole range of health problems.

 

I will do it sometimes, like a few times a year maybe, I have nothing against it. But regularly, no way, it just isn't worth it.

[beach]

Do what's best for YOU! You can't change HIM!

 

Move and never look back.

 

Block him. He has BIG issues to overcome - but will never address them as long as he sees it as no problem for him.

[melell]

 

Block him. He has BIG issues to overcome - but will never address them as long as he sees it as no problem for him.

 

This x10000

 

And even worse, even if it was clear that it was a big problem, even if he lost everything, there is a high chance he still wouldn't 'see' it as a problem. Denial takes over, and then the blame game starts.

[cristy]

beach and Melell -

Thank you. It was hard to read... but yeah, I guess you're right.

I just I love him so much... I see through all that sh*t and I just know he's a wonderful, caring, smart guy. I guess I wish I could be the one that makes him see how much he's truly worth and that he's wasting his life away.

It pains me, so very much... but I'm starting to think there's nothing I can do. He pushed away his mum, his dad, his brother.. he only has two real friends (which I'm not even sure how true they are) Don't know... Am I a masochist for trying to fix this? Do I have some sort of prince charming syndorme? If that even exists...

[melell]

I don't think it means anything other than that you love him. And that is what makes it hard.

 

I loved my ex a lot, together 8 years, I am 26 now. When we ended he was pretty much a forced dumper, I couldn't leave him, but I couldn't watch him either. Forced him to get help or leave.

 

Is still hard now. He wanted to get back together, but I knew I couldn't, so had to say no. I will likely always love him, he really is a great person, but I was never going to be happy with him like that. It sucks.

[beach]

beach and Melell -

Thank you. It was hard to read... but yeah, I guess you're right.

I just I love him so much... I see through all that sh*t and I just know he's a wonderful, caring, smart guy. I guess I wish I could be the one that makes him see how much he's truly worth and that he's wasting his life away.

It pains me, so very much... but I'm starting to think there's nothing I can do. He pushed away his mum, his dad, his brother.. he only has two real friends (which I'm not even sure how true they are) Don't know... Am I a masochist for trying to fix this? Do I have some sort of prince charming syndorme? If that even exists...

 

YOU can't fix it for HIM!

 

Leave now! Go to an al-anon meeting or get counseling.

 

You will live a miserable life if you stay!!! Trust me - it gets uglier and uglier!

 

Leave now!

[beach]

The quick version of the story is that I recently moved into a house with my fiance. We have been together almost 2 yrs. When we first got together I remember him telling me about a girl who was persistance, and he had to tell her he didn't want a relationship so she would leave him alone VIA facebook. He didnt have the heart to tell her he wasnt interested for some reason, and says they never slept together.

This past weekend I was using my fb account and we leave ours open. He told me to check a message on his from a mutual friend of ours discussing an invitation to a party and a how are you etc... Anyhow I saw a message from this girl in the above paragraph and opened it...

It was a lot of back and forth from her sending two to three msgs like how are u, hows work etc.. and he answers like every second or third. Anyhow one of the messages she says she is doing x,y,z with her life, and he responds with I am moving to (a city) in september just me and my daughter on weekends...

I obviously got upset. I realise that maybe I should not have even opened it but we are really open with everything and it hasn't been an issue in the past.

i spoke to him about it and his response was that she is crazy and he doesnt want so many people knowing his personal life, and that she is nutty and he thought if he told her he is in a serious committment it will make her harass him more..

I know this is ridiculous...

can anyone please offer their insight... I just need to hear it from people who have no bias... Thank you in advance for reading!

I am devestated.

 

ya that is all very true... I have always been the type not to check things and to really try to have trust in people... because once you start checking phones and social media it becomes so insane. And I had a previous bf like that. I just had this weird feeling and followed it when I opened the thread.

 

All my family and friends have been telling me to leave because he is hiding the fact he is in a committed relationship and he should not be advertising that he is not.

 

This week has been really hard, and I have lost trust I believe. Not too sure if I should run away now and save myself the possibility of a huge issue later, or stay and work on the trust and give him the benefit of the doubt?

 

 

These are your posts last month.

 

RUN girl RUN!

 

Get help - you need to find out why you've stayed when you have been gifted all these HUGE red flags!

[skydiveaddict]

 

My question to others is if you can share your similar stories with me, and also is this even worth it to stay and try and help him??

 

 

Aw hell, if he wants to smoke a little pot so what? He'll get through it and so will you. There much worse things to be addicted to. I'm on two of them right now and they were prescribed by doctors.

[melell]

Aw hell, if he wants to smoke a little pot so what? He'll get through it and so will you. There much worse things to be addicted to. I'm on two of them right now and they were prescribed by doctors.

 

Mind blowing. Pay attention to this posters last sentence before taking notice of the first part.

[soccerrprp]

I may inject a point of view that may be unpopular, but I'd like to share my take on this, if I may.

 

The use of drugs is voluntary. His addiction is a result of his voluntary disregard towards his own body and the people around him. Feel bad b/c he effed up his life and is not addicted, but remember that he voluntarily placed himself at this point in his life. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS ACTIONS AND YOU CERTAINLY DO NOT WANT TO BE A PART OF HIS LIFE-EATING HABITS.

 

I dated a girl that still cared for her ex. He was a drug user, addicted, on med, unreliable and "such a great guy." She never would get back with him, but after some examination realized that there were some great things about him, but on balance, he was a mess. She realized that his drug use was a cover for other issues the guy had, including anger. It was amazing just how NOT GREAT this guy was when sober and absolutely useless when high.

 

YOU NEED TO WALK AWAY and ask yourself what is it that you love about this guy? I would suspect you are attracted to moments when he is dreamy, but these moments are the exception, not the rule.

[Yayo]

Hi Willpower, dating a drug addict is easily the hardest most painful thing I've ever done. Its been about a year and a half now. When I met him, he was like 2 years sober. Relapsed January 2013. I literally watched the person I loved slowly kill themselves. His addiction was pills, but that turned into heroin. He lost his job, struggled to pay rent, never left the house (except to get more drugs).

 

I personally chose to stay and help him. I cleaned his house, bought him food, would literally stay awake at night watching him when he slept so he wouldn't roll over on his back and possibly die. I also helped him and was there for him when he went into the hospital to detox about a month and a half ago. He's still sober.

 

Basically what I'm saying that loving an addict is not easy. Its heartbreaking, and I promise you 100 times over, that if someone is a true addict, they will always always choose their drugs over you, their family, their friends, job, OVER THEMSELVES. So If that's something you can't handle, coming second to the drugs, then I'd say walk away. Also, you cannot "help" them, you can only support them. No matter how hard you try to convince them to get sober they have to want to help themselves. So basically you have to decide if you're willing to stick around and wait for them to want to get sober...if that ever happens. Good luck. xo

[melell]

I agree with above, but just wanted to add how important it is for you to consider how being with an addict effects your life..

 

I was 100% willing to stand by my ex, and support him, after 8 years together the concept of walking away was impossible.

 

But after years of standing by him the toll it took on my lifestyle and my happiness wasn't worth it, sometimes it isn't worth it, you really need to stay mindful about how it effects you.