No contact with AP's wife has been the hardest for me

[rae_lana]

Maybe nobody would understand because so many that have heard my story believed I was using her and didn't really care about her.

 

I miss her terribly and honestly although I have a lot of regret and anxiety and remorse over how much I hurt my husband I at least know he'll get over it all, he might hate me but he'll move on, find another relationship and he doesn't feel much loss where his friendship with the OM was concerned.. But my friend lost me and her husband and I feel gutted over doing this to her.. Right now she's angry but mostly she's horribly sad and she reaches out to me and misses me like I miss her but she's devastated over the lies and wants to talk to me but I am scared of doing that through writing and think face to face would be better.

 

I'm not sure what I would say.

 

I'm just venting I guess.

 

I miss her so much and I separated the affair and our friendship so much in my mind when it was all happening and I really wasn't using her.. I confided in her and supported her and no I'm not asking for anyone to feel sorry for me.. I did this myself I know.

 

I just miss her a lot and I want to eventually be happy and I don't know that I could ever forgive myself for doing this to her. I found it near impossible to form attachments before and I don't know that I'll be able to at all anymore knowing I caused all this.

[CrystalCastles]

I think it's best that you give her space. Seeing you will keep reminding her of what you did.

[writergal]

Seriously?!?!

[rae_lana]

I never said I deserved anything and I'm not looking for pity.

 

I'm genuinely not sure what to do and I miss her.

 

We confessed most of it ten days ago.. She left the next morning but has contacted me every single day inbetween by texting me. I'm not sure what to do. She doesn't want me to be with him .. She has still not contacted him at all. She will text me things like she used to.. Like about getting new glasses ... And then text me saying she can't stop crying.

 

I just want to know what to do. I should help her if I can right? I want to but feel wrong texting I'm scared ill say it do something wrong and make things worse.

[rae_lana]

Her stance right now is he did this to her.. that he wasn't happy do he wanted to leave her and take me from her too.

[CrystalCastles]

She doesn't want me to be with him ..

 

Well duh, he was her husband.

[BrokenPrincess]

What's been going on with you and your MOM in the 10 days since you disclosed to your spouses? Are you guys together now?

[whichwayisup]

You're selfish. You deserve nothing

 

Not cool. Don't kick someone when they're so down. At least she's being honest and her words are heart felt. She messed up badly, made some bad choices, and she's willing to listen and make amends, if that's possible. There are some who would never apologize, let alone feel this bad about hurting people. Kudo's to Rae for opening up.

[whichwayisup]

I never said I deserved anything and I'm not looking for pity.

 

I'm genuinely not sure what to do and I miss her.

 

We confessed most of it ten days ago.. She left the next morning but has contacted me every single day inbetween by texting me. I'm not sure what to do. She doesn't want me to be with him .. She has still not contacted him at all. She will text me things like she used to.. Like about getting new glasses ... And then text me saying she can't stop crying.

 

I just want to know what to do. I should help her if I can right? I want to but feel wrong texting I'm scared ill say it do something wrong and make things worse.

 

Tell her you feel just awful for hurting her. That you will listen to what she has to say and do anything she asks of you. If she wants space, give it to her. If she wants to ask questions about your part in the affair with her husband, answer her questions. If she wants to end the friendship, give her that... You can't help her in the way you'd like to. The friendship you had with her is gone forever. The trust is gone and respect is gone. Right now she's devastated and upset...Soon, the anger will hit her and that's when you need to back off and give her lots of space otherwise you'll be her walking target.

[rae_lana]

Well duh, he was her husband.

 

She doesn't want him.. She doesn't want him with me either. And yes I do understand why and I'm not saying she's wrong.

[rae_lana]

What's been going on with you and your MOM in the 10 days since you disclosed to your spouses? Are you guys together now?

 

I've seen him twice and we've texted but mostly I've been really busy with my kids. I haven't went anywhere or talked to anyone else about it, I don't have anyone to talk to.

He has made it clear he'll wait for me to be ready and then he wants us to be together but he knows I want to wait at least 6 months before my kids hear anything about that or see him as anything but a friend.

 

He lives in his house and I'm in mine with my kids.

[whichwayisup]

She doesn't want him.. She doesn't want him with me either. And yes I do understand why and I'm not saying she's wrong.

 

Her whole world has been turned upside down. Double betrayal is brutal!

 

She could change her mind 100 times, she doesn't want him, she does want him, who knows... Just don't get involved, and most of all, do NOT give her advice. Listen to her if she needs to talk to you, answer her questions.

 

Of course she doesn't want you with him. Rightfully so.

[rae_lana]

I'm new here, went back and read all your threads. You my dear, are screwed. You made choices, posted here, unknown people tired their best to guide you, you pressed on and ignored. Just accept the fact that you've lost your "best friend" due to your innate ability to screw her husband while pretending to be her BFf. Jig is up. Multiple people tried to warn you, stop you, yet... You pressed on.

 

It's over. She will never be your friend again, as you blew that with your adamant continuance of the affair with her husband. I'm sure you feel horrible, but it's done. Had you followed some great advice here you would have walked away from all your high school fantasies, and done the right thing. You did not. It's over.

 

It's about consequences. You made your choices, now it's time to live with them, and find new friends. I'm sorry you're hurting and perhaps regretting, but you did make your choice.

 

Let it go. She will never be your friend again, as friendship is based on loyalty and trust, which you broke. It's done.

 

.. I accepted that she would hate me.. I'm not sure if you read what I posted on this thread but its her contacting me. She wants him out of our lives and to work on things with me.. That's what she wants.

[whichwayisup]

I've seen him twice and we've texted but mostly I've been really busy with my kids. I haven't went anywhere or talked to anyone else about it, I don't have anyone to talk to.

He has made it clear he'll wait for me to be ready and then he wants us to be together but he knows I want to wait at least 6 months before my kids hear anything about that or see him as anything but a friend.

 

He lives in his house and I'm in mine with my kids.

 

You need to wait a hell of a lot longer than 6 months! Because of your kids, it should be well over a year, if not more. There is going to be so many adjustments happening because of the fallout of your affair, your kids need a lot of time. Six months is NOT a long time.

[rae_lana]

Her whole world has been turned upside down. Double betrayal is brutal!

 

She could change her mind 100 times, she doesn't want him, she does want him, who knows... Just don't get involved, and most of all, do NOT give her advice. Listen to her if she needs to talk to you, answer her questions.

 

Of course she doesn't want you with him. Rightfully so.

 

Ok yes that's what I want to know. If this will pass how she feels right now. He thinks she's trying to stop me from being with him by pretending she cares but I really don't think that's what she's doing. I think she's grieving for our friendship and maybe she had already accepted the marriage wouldn't last but that what I did hurt her worse and she hasn't started to hate me yet, but she will.

[rae_lana]

You need to wait a hell of a lot longer than 6 months! Because of your kids, it should be well over a year, if not more. There is going to be so many adjustments happening because of the fallout of your affair, your kids need a lot of time. Six months is NOT a long time.

 

Six months isn't very long, I don't mean lets mark our calendars it's just something I said to him so he knew nothing was happening tomorrow.

 

My kids miss him and her and their dad .. They were used to their dad being gone a lot for work but not him and her and they've asked for them everyday. It's a really sad situation and I really can't talk to anyone about it because I'm ashamed.

 

Yes I do feel real remorse. I do.

[whichwayisup]

Ok yes that's what I want to know. If this will pass how she feels right now. He thinks she's trying to stop me from being with him by pretending she cares but I really don't think that's what she's doing. I think she's grieving for our friendship and maybe she had already accepted the marriage wouldn't last but that what I did hurt her worse and she hasn't started to hate me yet, but she will.

 

It won't pass in the sense of your favour.

 

Are you hoping she'll be okay with you being with her husband some day? If so, that's wishful and hopeful thinking. It'll never ever happen because you were her friend and stabbed her in the back. Fact.

 

she's too upset to do what he thinks he's doing! Hello, he is a prick and you need to back off of him completely. Cut him out of your life. It'll never work between you two because of so many reasons.

 

Please don't assume to know what she is thinking or feeling towards her husband.

[rae_lana]

What? So she is all good with you screwing her over, wants him out so you two can work on things? Is there something you're not telling us? You need to tread very carefully..

 

Me and her were incredibly close. People made jokes that we were sister wives all the time we had a very very close friendship that was before this started.

My husband knows I like women and would have been more likely to believe I would leave him for her than her husband.

 

She has history with him and wants to believe he convinced me and talked me into this.. it wouldn't have happened had he not approached me but that's the only thing I could say.. I was just as much at fault throughout as he was and pursued him too.

[whichwayisup]

Six months isn't very long, I don't mean lets mark our calendars it's just something I said to him so he knew nothing was happening tomorrow.

 

My kids miss him and her and their dad .. They were used to their dad being gone a lot for work but not him and her and they've asked for them everyday. It's a really sad situation and I really can't talk to anyone about it because I'm ashamed.

 

Yes I do feel real remorse. I do.

 

I suggest you get counseling. And also do family counseling with your kids. this whole thing is a total mess and everybody has been affected by it. The key is now you handle it.

[rae_lana]

Where are you with her husband? I'm so confused. Are you making plans with him? Isn't he you're "soul mate"?

 

If I end up with anyone it will be him unless he changes his mind about me. I only want to be with him. Just not yet. I have kids. And that would really mess them up I think..

[BrokenPrincess]

 

She has history with him and wants to believe he convinced me and talked me into this.. it wouldn't have happened had he not approached me but that's the only thing I could say.. I was just as much at fault throughout as he was and pursued him too.

 

So how much of that have you actually said to her?

 

Have you explicitly told her that you are equally to blame & that you also pursued him?

 

Because I am really getting the impression that you are staying pretty quiet on your end with her, just letting her go on blaming him, and hoping that if you lie low on the real truth that you love him & want to be with him, maybe you'll be able to salvage your friendship.

[rae_lana]

So how much of that have you actually said to her?

 

Have you explicitly told her that you are equally to blame & that you also pursued him?

 

Because I am really getting the impression that you are staying pretty quiet on your end with her, just letting her go on blaming him, and hoping that if you lie low on the real truth that you love him & want to be with him, maybe you'll be able to salvage your friendship.

 

She knows it was me that told him I was going to start deleting texts. I told them both that night, but no they do not know everything yet, I havent really described what happened I guess but we had been drinking and told them when we were sitting together.

 

I have been staying pretty quiet. She called me on the phone once a couple days after, she was actually the first person I talked to we both were pretty incoherent though, crying and didn't talk much. She told me he's disgusting and I need to find someone better.

 

She knows what my husband was like she wants our marriage to be done. She wants her marriage to be done but she doesn't want anyone else with him and for sure not me. She said he does this to people makes them think like him. She said he's a sex addict and called him a homophobic slur she likes to use.. She is really mad at him, he thought she would call him but hasn't.

 

She's mad at me too. She wants to know how I could look her in the face. But then she'll ask about my kids, tell me her new glasses bothered her so she got contacts and asked if I missed her, tells me she loves me.

 

I have mostly been too scared to text back and that's been 90 percent of her contact.. I told her I can't eat and sleep and that I am more sorry for hurting her than anything else but that I'm scared to text and say the wrong thing, and no I don't want her around my kids right now even if she wants to see them but I can't tell her that.

Edited October 16, 2013 by rae_lana

[velvette]

She knows it was me that told him I was going to start deleting texts. I told them both that night, but no they do not know everything yet, I havent really described what happened I guess but we had been drinking and told them when we were sitting together.

 

I have been staying pretty quiet. She called me on the phone once a couple days after, she was actually the first person I talked to we both were pretty incoherent though, crying and didn't talk much. She told me he's disgusting and I need to find someone better.

 

She knows what my husband was like she wants our marriage to be done. She wants her marriage to be done but she doesn't want anyone else with him and for sure not me. She said he does this to people makes them think like him. She said he's a sex addict and called him a homophobic slur she likes to use.. She is really mad at him, he thought she would call him but hasn't.

 

She's mad at me too. She wants to know how I could look her in the face. But then she'll ask about my kids, tell me her new glasses bothered her so she got contacts and asked if I missed her, tells me she loves me.

 

I have mostly been too scared to text back and that's been 90 percent of her contact.. I told her I can't eat and sleep and that I am more sorry for hurting her than anything else but that I'm scared to text and say the wrong thing, and no I don't want her around my kids right now even if she wants to see them but I can't tell her that.

 

You need to tell this woman the truth and stop f***ing with her head.

 

What you are doing to her now is despicable.

[rae_lana]

Girl, please. This man is not your savior. He and you have managed, in short order to destroy all the individuals lives that you claim to love. I get, you feel you're damaged, you think that he is the answer, feel that you are simpatico. He is not the answer to your emptiness. Your friend (who was), who was there for you, understood you, etc.... It's over. I'm sorry, but you have effectively destroyed that. She'll never truly trust you, confide in you again.

 

Whatever you decide, it's time to make a break from all you've known and professed to love, because you haven't. It's done.

 

He feels sick about everything too, we never meant for all this to happen we both had completely lied to ourselves and each other and said we wouldn't ruin our marriages over this.

 

I love him. I'm not ready to be with him but I love him.

[rae_lana]

You need to tell this woman the truth and stop f***ing with her head.

 

What you are doing to her now is despicable.

 

I'm not doing anything to her now! She has sent me several texts a day I only respond to say I'm so sorry and that I think if she wants to talk it should be in person but not text.. My hands shake and I can't think.. I can't text her ill say the wrong thing ill make it worse. I just don't want to make it worse.

 

She knows I'm in love with him because I said that that night, and she knows what happened save for the details.. That's it. I'm not wanting to torture her I feel horrible about what I've done to her. She is acting like she wants to reconcile with ME. Not him. It feels like that, but I don't feel that in the end that's what she'll want I know. I accept that. I just don't want to hurt her more.

Edited October 16, 2013 by rae_lana