No contact with AP's wife has been the hardest for me

[rae_lana]

Right now yes she says thinks like , he will get in your head and make you think you wanted it. He will make you love him, he wanted to take you away from me... those are the things she says.

[underwater2010]

I've seen him twice and we've texted but mostly I've been really busy with my kids. I haven't went anywhere or talked to anyone else about it, I don't have anyone to talk to.

He has made it clear he'll wait for me to be ready and then he wants us to be together but he knows I want to wait at least 6 months before my kids hear anything about that or see him as anything but a friend.

 

He lives in his house and I'm in mine with my kids.

While MOM is still an option in your head....your "best friend" is never more.

[rae_lana]

While MOM is still an option in your head....your "best friend" is never more.

 

I know. I do know that. It's him or her, or neither of them.

 

Right now I can't think straight and I'd like everyone to leave me alone but I have no right to ask her to leave me alone.

[BetrayedH]

A real friend would support her. And be honest with her.

[underwater2010]

I know. I do know that. It's him or her, or neither of them.

 

Right now I can't think straight and I'd like everyone to leave me alone but I have no right to ask her to leave me alone.

You do have the right to ask her to stop. You can say how sorry you are and that until you get your head on straight you will cease all contact with her and her WH.

 

And for your sake, mentally, you should stop talking to BOTH of them.

[AlwaysGrowing]

What have you learned about betraying a friend, especially one as close as you describe?

 

If your plan is to be with her husband in 6 months...then tell her. Just tell her.

 

You have no idea how much of a mindf**k it is for a double betrayal, one that you describe as a sister. She is floundering. That is why she is all over the map. She is most likely heading for a depression, or a mental breakdown. Stop the freaking games with her. CUT.HER.LOOSE.

 

It is not her being weak, or having poor coping skills at this moment in time, it is extreme mental trauma. If you have a hard time realizing that it was you that did that, at least recognize her as a fellow human being who is profoundly hurt and confused... be kind. Put her first...just this ONCE.

[Assasda]

Not cool. Don't kick someone when they're so down. At least she's being honest and her words are heart felt. She messed up badly, made some bad choices, and she's willing to listen and make amends, if that's possible. There are some who would never apologize, let alone feel this bad about hurting people. Kudo's to Rae for opening up.

 

Hold on, Is she down?

She doesnt seem down.

 

I think Her best friend must be down. She's trying to justify it by saying her best friend didnt want her husband, which is very sad and very selfish.

 

She's not diown by any stretch

[RAN65]

I know. I do know that. It's him or her, or neither of them.

 

Right now I can't think straight and I'd like everyone to leave me alone but I have no right to ask her to leave me alone.

 

I think you will start a new thread HER OR HIM.

 

You cant think straight because you are in an A bubble & you want her to leave you alone(but you don't want to express it) because she is the only one who can make the A bubble break. Your Best Friend has the needle with her.

[Trimmer]

I miss her so much and I separated the affair and our friendship so much in my mind when it was all happening and I really wasn't using her.. I confided in her and supported her ...

I'm going to say this gently but firmly, because you're not being honest with yourself: You didn't confide in her. And you didn't support her. You did exactly the opposite on both counts.

 

Her stance right now is he did this to her.. that he wasn't happy do he wanted to leave her and take me from her too.

Wow, she still has you on her side, and he's the common enemy. Just how little did you tell her? Be honest (at least with yourself, if not with us): what does she really know about your role in this?

 

That question was on my mind as I read down through this thread: does she know everything yet? And it seems you have answered:

We confessed most of it ten days ago.....

 

She knows it was me that told him I was going to start deleting texts. I told them both that night, but no they do not know everything yet, I havent really described what happened I guess

You guess? I think you're probably pretty clear about the high points that would be important in such a briefing, and you guess you didn't hit them all?

 

So I'm going to guess that if you're saying that you "confessed most of it", that really translates to "confessed some of it," right? And that means that clearly you left things out, so it's pretty obvious that you would probably have left out the worst parts, right? Which means there are still some more big sticks of dynamite out there to further devastate her.

 

I'm going to take a guess that what you did tell her was that you guys had fallen in love, maybe spent too much time together in secret, lots of texts, talking, etc... She probably was led to believe that things got "inappropriate" and neither of you stopped. And oh, you bet that's got to hurt like hell. But did you tell her you have been sexual? That you discussed moving away together? Does she know just how far back this goes in time? How long you sat in front of her, play-acting the caring, trusted friend?

 

The reason I'm so specific on these points is that so far, you've done what we've all been calling a "double betrayal" - betrayed her by being with her husband, and then betraying her again by looking her in the eye, pretending to listen sympathetically to her, as if you were still a friend on her side. (And this doesn't even touch on your betrayal of your husband...)

 

I'll acknowledge AlwaysGrowing's point on this subject:

You have no idea how much of a mindf**k it is for a double betrayal, one that you describe as a sister. She is floundering.

And in fact, there's another blast coming around the corner. For while she thinks she's been told "what happened," and she's rightfully devastated by it, I think you haven't even told her the most devastating parts yet.

 

Maybe nobody would understand because so many that have heard my story believed I was using her and didn't really care about her.

I think you "cared" about her - just not enough to influence your behavior which has devastated her.

[Scott Thomas]

Rae Lana,

 

What do you want from life?

I presume you haven't told her you slept with her husband? If not, this is the opportune time to tell. Any chances of regaining her trust will be destroyed forever if she finds out you slept with her husband but did not confess the physical part.

[rae_lana]

I'm going to say this gently but firmly, because you're not being honest with yourself: You didn't confide in her. And you didn't support her. You did exactly the opposite on both counts.

 

 

Wow, she still has you on her side, and he's the common enemy. Just how little did you tell her? Be honest (at least with yourself, if not with us): what does she really know about your role in this?

 

That question was on my mind as I read down through this thread: does she know everything yet? And it seems you have answered:

 

You guess? I think you're probably pretty clear about the high points that would be important in such a briefing, and you guess you didn't hit them all?

 

So I'm going to guess that if you're saying that you "confessed most of it", that really translates to "confessed some of it," right? And that means that clearly you left things out, so it's pretty obvious that you would probably have left out the worst parts, right? Which means there are still some more big sticks of dynamite out there to further devastate her.

 

I'm going to take a guess that what you did tell her was that you guys had fallen in love, maybe spent too much time together in secret, lots of texts, talking, etc... She probably was led to believe that things got "inappropriate" and neither of you stopped. And oh, you bet that's got to hurt like hell. But did you tell her you have been sexual? That you discussed moving away together? Does she know just how far back this goes in time? How long you sat in front of her, play-acting the caring, trusted friend?

 

The reason I'm so specific on these points is that so far, you've done what we've all been calling a "double betrayal" - betrayed her by being with her husband, and then betraying her again by looking her in the eye, pretending to listen sympathetically to her, as if you were still a friend on her side. (And this doesn't even touch on your betrayal of your husband...)

 

I'll acknowledge AlwaysGrowing's point on this subject:

 

And in fact, there's another blast coming around the corner. For while she thinks she's been told "what happened," and she's rightfully devastated by it, I think you haven't even told her the most devastating parts yet.

 

 

I think you "cared" about her - just not enough to influence your behavior which has devastated her.

 

I can't properly reply right now but I'll say she does know it was sexual, they were told about two specific times it got sexual, the first night we told them. And she knows exactly how long ago it started because we told them..

 

Today it's been 1 year since the first private conversation started it all.

[cif]

Rae, forget your friend. She will never be your friend again. In her head she will always doubt our motives.

 

As for your OMM, your friend is essentially telling you the same things as most of us here. He is a manipulator that will never be faithful.

 

You told him to back off for 6 months... do you honestly think he will be sitting around at home loyally waiting for you to give him the green light? For the first time in years he's a free man, why would we? Please don't respond with the word "love". Can't feel, touch, taste, smell it. It does not arouse or please us. Nevermind the hypersexual.

 

Don't believe me? In 3 weeks it will be 30 days since his wife moved out. Hire a PI.

 

ETA: oops forgot he's reading this... oh well.

[rae_lana]

Rae, forget your friend. She will never be your friend again. In her head she will always doubt our motives.

 

As for your OMM, your friend is essentially telling you the same things as most of us here. He is a manipulator that will never be faithful.

 

You told him to back off for 6 months... do you honestly think he will be sitting around at home loyally waiting for you to give him the green light? For the first time in years he's a free man, why would we? Please don't respond with the word "love". Can't feel, touch, taste, smell it. It does not arouse or please us. Nevermind the hypersexual.

 

Don't believe me? In 3 weeks it will be 30 days since his wife moved out. Hire a PI.

 

ETA: oops forgot he's reading this... oh well.

 

We live 5 minutes away from one another. He can do whatever he feels like doing, right now what he feels like doing is working and damage control with his family and friends. This has been hard on people its not like he's having a party. He never wanted to hurt anyone either, and he's dealing with it pretty much the same as I am. The picture people have of him here is so harsh. He cried just as much as I did the first night it all came out. We both cared about them, we loved them it was just different. I do feel like a magnetic pull to him. We both think the exact same. She says he's making me think that.. but I have thought this way my entire like and he's not making me think anything. We are comfortable with each other.. this isn't like someone I am going to suddenly learn a bunch of new things about.. I know him and have for years. We've spent crazy amounts of time all together, its not about a fog anymore.

He has actually already asked me if I thought he would be enough for me if we were together, he's never felt like he was enough which is why he always thought an open relationship would be the answer.

 

We are together in the sense I'll be there for him and him for me. I just have no reason to move in with him or start dating him? We have been friends for 5 years, and not a lot has changed for me and him since we confessed yet, the two of us.. a lot has changed with the people around us and our relationships with them, but not me and him specifically, because I still have not talked to anyone about having done this or how I feel about him. Its almost like its still a secret, except pretty much everyone knows because she had announced it on facebook.

 

I know me and her are not going to get our friendship back, I lost it when I let this happen I know that, just she is still reaching out and I do not know how to deal with that in a way that's not going to hurt her more.

[rae_lana]

Rae,

 

You talk a lot about him, her and you. How is your husband doing? What are his plans?

 

I've just been closer to them the last year than I have been to my husband. As sad as that is.

He is really mad at me, I have not talked to him since last week, I am trying to get him to see the kids. I've had them back since about two days after we told them everything, and I've been talking to his mom a bit seeing if they can come see him at some point. He hasn't see them since his mom brought them back to me, so 10 full days or so. I did mention a lot this is what I thought would happen, but I am just hoping that right now he's just not ready to see them and it will get better and he will want to, because they miss him a lot.

[rae_lana]

Rae,

 

You talk a lot about him, her and you. How is your husband doing? What are his plans?

 

I don't know his plans. He had a house in the next town over already, he had wanted us to move their originally. He moved in the night this all came out, and hasn't been home. I've been told he's just been working every day and he works late.

I want to help him if I can I feel sick about what I did to him, I do, this isn't about being caught, we didn't get caught, we told them. He doesn't want to talk to me and I am going to respect that and just hope we can eventually get to a place where we can talk about the kids and work together for them .

[lilmisscantbewrong]

If her husband is getting advice from somewhere it is likely he is being told to not have any contact with Rae for his own sanity because she is refusing to cut off contact with the MOM.

 

Rae, I feel extremely bad for you - I have been where you are. She is clinging right now because she is trying to control the situation and also get as much information as she can. Her life has been turned upside down. She doesn't really know what she wants - only that everything she has known to be true is now a lie.

 

Believe me when I tell you that you will not end up having any kind of friendship with her. You may care about her (I cared at out my xmom's wife and I believed she cared about me), but when this kind of stuff happens the gloves come off and you go into preservation mode.

 

Yes there is grief on her part - for her husband, her family and for your husband and all of your kids - but here is the thing. If you truly care about her, you need to cut off contact with her and with her husband. They have to deal with their marriage separately from you and you have to deal with yourself - again separately. Things will never, ever be like they were again.

 

It's highly likely he is all of the things she is telling you he is - if that's the case why do you want him? If it's not she is telling you lies to make you go away. For example, my husband did that when he spoke to my xmom ( the one and only time they spoke after it blew up) on dday. I overhead him tell xmom that he didn't know me and that I could become like the character in Fatal Attraction. Nothing could have been farther from the truth and he knew it - but he was saying anything he could to keep xmom away from me.

 

If she desires it, meet with her one more time, disclose EVERYTHING she asks you to and then tell her that you need space and so does she. And then mean it. Don't take calls from either of them.

 

Find your husband - 10 days is too long - you need to find out what is going on with him and sit down and discuss your future. You have children together and a history. Find him now.

[rae_lana]

I'm not very surprised that he hasn't wanted to see them, I knew that would happen, it's just like him. He loves them but doesn't do any of the real raising .. I know where he is, I've talked to people in his family just not him.

 

I'm not going looking for him. I have really decided nobody is ever going to call me the things he has for the last ten years again, I have no interest in reconciling and neither does he. I'll miss him so much and what we had and his family and the life we planned but this isn't something I want to recover from. He didn't treat me like an equal ever he for sure wont now that I did this.

 

If I could go back and have never started the affair maybe we could have at some point saved our relationship but I'm not sure even then, I think it would have just lasted another ten years before I left totally broken.

[rae_lana]

He was t physically abusive and I'm not trying to play a victim.

 

He's a good guy who could make someone really happy and ill miss all those things about him but not that way he treated me and the names he called me and just the way he wanted me to be seen and not heard.

[Darren Steez]

and ladies and gentlemen, this section is probably why I will never get married. The BHW casually tossed aside like used garbage.

 

Woah

[rae_lana]

I'm confused. Back in July you wrote this:

 

I'm not a mom. Don't plan to be any time soon I'm actually helping raise his younger siblings.

 

They are his siblings, NOT your kids. Why are they still with you and not him or their parents (who you claimed to have talked to).

 

I specifically said I wasn't a mom because the first thread I posted I intended to be the only one posted and had posted somewhere else before and once I said I was a mom it was the only thing anyone focused on, so I straight up lied and said I wasn't. I also changed specific details because if anyone came here and read this that knew me they would know right away who I was.

 

After posting more of my story I admitted I had biological kids too, because it was important to the advice I needed. I went over why I said I wasn't a mom. Sorry for the confusion. I didn't think I'd keep coming back here..

 

His younger siblings are teenagers and they are still living with me.. I didn't know they would want to stay but they do, they go to school here and they love me like I'm their mom, that hasn't changed.

 

Right now his family isn't trying to take them away from me and they are old enough to make their own choices. They've been primarily with me for more than 6 years. I'm not going to get into the reasons why.

 

My kids with my husband are 5 and under

Edited October 16, 2013 by rae_lana

[CrystalCastles]

I think your former BFF is bouncing all over the map because one minute she is angry at you and the next minute she acts normal because she's in denial. I think that level of betrayal and hurt is so massive that it is difficult for a person to fully grasp its magnitude. She's having difficulty believing that someone she trusted, her BFF, could so easily and coldly betray her like that.

[RAN65]

He was t physically abusive and I'm not trying to play a victim.

 

He's a good guy who could make someone really happy and ill miss all those things about him but not that way he treated me and the names he called me and just the way he wanted me to be seen and not heard.

 

Have you quoted(the one in BOLD) in any of your threads before about your H, or this is the first time.

 

You had lied up saying that you did not have kids in one of your threads, so you might be doing it again.

Edited October 17, 2013 by RAN65

[doubled]

There is nothing worse than double betrayal. The best advice I could give you is to be totally honest with your former friend, and I mean former because you stabbed her in the back in the worst way, and then completely leave her alone. I would also tell you to stay away from MOM but I don't think you will.

[rae_lana]

Have you quoted(the one in BOLD) in any of your threads before about your H, or this is the first time.

 

You had lied up saying that you did not have kids in one of your threads, so you might be doing it again.

 

I might be, I don't have anything to prove to people here, so I don't mind if you just skip over my posts if you don't believe them.

Yes I've definitely mentioned about the name calling and mental abuse.. I'm not saying he's a horrible guy because he's not. Me and my husband have a lot of history and although we made ok partners we have vastly different sexual desires as well as just interests in everyday things we clashed a lot. Big blow up fights and him calling me a slut or cunt was a few times a week.. Long before the affair started but I had just accepted that was the way it would be. He never hurt me physically, he is a great provider as he does love his kids and me even when he didn't know how to show it.

 

I thought if I could stop the affair I could work on my marriage but he would never agree to counselling. I should have just kept pushing it but instead I started the affair and then fell in love with someone else.

 

I just feel like my husband had so much resentment towards me long before the affair that after it, the marriage was irreparable.

[rae_lana]

I wasn't trying to say anything my husband did was an excuse for what I did.. I was saying that how he treated me is the reason I'm not interested in reconciliation now.