Can becoming closer friends with an ex make feelings go away?

[rachelcarney]

About five months ago I contacted my ex-fiance after 5 years of no contact. We have both married since we broke up (though he married someone with my name, which I think is alittle strange). Anyhow, we are emailing about every week or so currently.

 

The reason I contacted him was that even after five years, I am still thinking about him. I had hoped that by contacting him, I would realize that he is not the same person I fell in love with, or I would remember why we broke up, or maybe I would realize that the feelings I have are actually real. I haven't found out any of those things so far, probably because our emails have been very platonic, and we haven't discussed our breakup at all.

 

Just so you know, I have told my husband about all of this (including my possible feelings for the ex), and I let him read the emails so that he knows that nothing is going on.

 

I guess my questions is: given that 5 years of no contact didn't make these feelings go away, has anyone here become close enough friends with an ex that the feelings disappeared, or became less intense? Or did becoming friends with an ex make the feelings more intense again?

 

Should I email him about the breakup? Or maybe I should tell him why I started emailing him again? I don't think the second is a good idea, because I don't want him or his wife to feel threatened by me.

 

PLEASE don't tell me to stop emailing him, because I spent five years doing that, and it didn't work. Getting as far away as I could didn't work, I'm hoping maybe getting closer friends will? Give me something else to try if you have any ideas!

[zara]

I used to be best friends with my ex before we ever started dating - we dated for a while and broke up quite acrimoniously. He slept with my housemate. After that we didn't talk for about 5 years. But now we are in touch again.

 

Both he and i had other partners when we got back in touch but we found that our friendship was still there and as good as ever, all of the great things about him were still great and we got on just as well. However, when both he and i found ourselves single again we wound up in bed together and i realised that those feelings had changed. I didn't have those romantic feelings towards him anymore. I still ove him to bits, but as the friend i knew before we ever dated and that's the way i will always feel.

 

The problem is that he still wants me sexually. And because i don't want him in that way it's down to me to remind him everytime we go out together. Which can get a little wearing.

 

That is my situation and i offer it to you to take what you will. You have to remember that time dulls the memories of why the break up happened in the first place, but even so, it is likely that one, if not both, of your feelings for each other will have changed.

[jmargel]

You are playing with fire and will only learn once you get burned. Don't you respect your husband at all? What about your vows? You SHOULD HAVE KNOWN ALL THE ANSWERS TO THESE ISSUES BEFORE YOU GOT MARRIED!

 

You are not in High School anymore, grow up. Watch over time how your husband becomes more distant towards you, how he will start to believe there is no faith in your words towards him on how much you 'love' him. How your husband's imagination is going to start to roam and how he will start to seperate from you emotionally. You rank up there pretty much as being one of the most selfish I've seen on this board.

 

You and your ex broke up for a reason. Stop romanticizing the past. Grass is greener on the other side until you have to eat it. Go through this board and read about all the affairs that have taken place, all the OM/OW threads that end up in disaster. On reading and posting on this board for a year, daily.. I have not seen ONE story where the affairs or OM/OW ends up in a successful relationship.

 

You need to close that chapter in regarding your ex. Holding onto the past is definetly inhibiting you from reaching towards the future. Learn from your mistakes in the past and try not to repeat them with your husband.

 

Take offense to what I have posted, I don't care. What I am trying to do is wake you up to realize you are putting your wedding, the love you and your husband have at risk. Doing that shows us and your husband that you don't value your marriage and your vows.

 

Get whatever closure you need from your ex and move on. And start showing your husband the respect he deserves.

 

Originally posted by rachelcarney

About five months ago I contacted my ex-fiance after 5 years of no contact. We have both married since we broke up (though he married someone with my name, which I think is alittle strange). Anyhow, we are emailing about every week or so currently.

 

The reason I contacted him was that even after five years, I am still thinking about him. I had hoped that by contacting him, I would realize that he is not the same person I fell in love with, or I would remember why we broke up, or maybe I would realize that the feelings I have are actually real. I haven't found out any of those things so far, probably because our emails have been very platonic, and we haven't discussed our breakup at all.

 

Just so you know, I have told my husband about all of this (including my possible feelings for the ex), and I let him read the emails so that he knows that nothing is going on.

 

I guess my questions is: given that 5 years of no contact didn't make these feelings go away, has anyone here become close enough friends with an ex that the feelings disappeared, or became less intense? Or did becoming friends with an ex make the feelings more intense again?

 

Should I email him about the breakup? Or maybe I should tell him why I started emailing him again? I don't think the second is a good idea, because I don't want him or his wife to feel threatened by me.

 

PLEASE don't tell me to stop emailing him, because I spent five years doing that, and it didn't work. Getting as far away as I could didn't work, I'm hoping maybe getting closer friends will? Give me something else to try if you have any ideas!

[alicia24]

my boyfriends daughter's mom and I share the same name. Its really weird. He just calls me princess or babe. Its a very weird circumstance.

[tiki]

Ditto Jmargel. Quit emailing him. You owe your husband more than that and would throw a hissy fit if he was doing this to you. Get past yourself and realize that you've made a commitment to a man that's right underneath your nose. What else are you looking for? It's not fair to him, stop it.

 

And I know it's not what you're wanting to hear...but LS doesn't always write what you want to hear.

[Cecelius]

Wow, another post that makes me positive that marriage is the worst institution of human invention.

 

Imagine if you will, you date a girl, decide you like her and pledge to love, honor and cherish [pay for] her till death.

 

Then she wants to email an ex because she might have feelings for him.

 

Seriously though, why bother? It's good that you were up front with your husband. I hope he is upfront with you if he decides to call it quits. What possble outcome can result from this? Some feelings you have might get, what, validated? You might have a decent reason to dump your husband?

[michelangelo]

You say nothing is going on? Sure there is!

 

You fantasizing about what might have been with this other man is total disrespect for your husband and your vow to him.

 

You are MARRIED now. So is the other guy.

 

Big deal that he married another woman with your same given name.

 

It means nothing.

 

Concentrate on your marriage, your husband.

 

Trying to become "better friends" with an ex who you have a crush on on as a way to get rid of the romantic infatuation is one of the dumber ideas I've ever heard.

[Owl]

Hmmm...read this post a few times, but something just kinda struck a chord in me. Pretty straightforward thoughts for you. One is BOUNDARIES. There are things that you should only say and do with your husband...and they do not all nessacarily relate back to sex. You should be intimate only with your husband...sharing deep feelings, dreams, etc... should only be done with your spouse, and if you're doing or considering doing that with you ex, you're in deep danger of having an emotional affair with him. The second thought it TEMPTATION. If you know that you're tempted by your ex (still have thoughts, etc...), then don't be foolish enough to put yourself in a situation where you may be tempted to cross that line...emotionally or physically!!! Keep enough distance to prevent that from happening...or you're going to find yourself responsible for something you hadn't planned on.

 

These are the same areas I've struggled with my wife's understanding of as well. Some people seem to understand the risks, and keep from crossing these lines because they know the lines are there. Others don't seem to see them, and that's how they get into trouble. I know that my wife struggled for a long time understanding WHY she had to limit what she said/did with male friends...right up until she got caught up in an emotional affair that was a hairsbreadth away from destroying 17 years of marriage.

 

Don't put yourself in her shoes!

[rachelcarney]

Originally posted by jmargel

 

Get whatever closure you need from your ex and move on. And start showing your husband the respect he deserves.

 

 

The getting closure part is exactly what I'm trying to do! Tell me how! It's easy to say, "Stop thinking about him because you love your husband," but I have spent so long trying to do that and it didn't work.

 

I am trying to respect my husband by being truthful and keeping him involved so that I'm not hiding anything from him. I think it would be more disrespectful to lie to him, or keep this from him. I am keeping good communication with my husband by being open and honest and trying to find some way (with him, with his help) to fix it. Having my husband read all the emails is my way of keeping boundaries, so that it doesn't turn into an emotional affair.

 

I think that I owe it to my husband to do everything I can to get the ex out of my mind, and having tried the traditional "don't have any contact at all" for FIVE YEARS I can tell you that it didn't work; so telling me to stop emailing him isn't going to fix my problem.

 

So please, if someone has a suggestion on how to get closure BESIDES no contact, I would love to hear it. I have tried no contact, it didn't work! How do you GET CLOSURE?

[whichwayisup]

No matter what, I have NO desire to keep in touch with any of my Ex's. If I run into one, Ok that is normal, hey, how's it going...How about those Leafs?? Stuff like that...But some romances, when they end, there is always some sort of love left...faint, but it's there. Just remember the good times you both had and smile. It made you who you are today, so that is good...But don't pursue your Ex. It will just lead to future problems and confusion. You don't want it to grow into anything and it won't be a healthy friendship...Your H is gonna wonder WHY you really want to keep intouch with him as him with you...Unless he gave you a kidney...End it now. Say thanks for being part of my life, but we can't do this...Just not right.

[tokyo]

Why are you still thinking about your ex-fiancé? Why did you guys never talk about the break up? Who broke up with who? Would you go back if he still had feelings for you? I also don´t understand why you didn´t contact him before, five years is a long time.

 

What would I do if I was married? To be honest, I think I would have cleared all my questions and doubts with any exes before I get married. I don´t think that it´s really nice what you are doing to your husband, but I´m also sure that trying to force yourself to be faithful will not make this marriage work out. You shouldn´t have got married in the first place, but the damage is done.

 

As you still have unanswered questions after so many years and they still bug you, I would say, set up a meeting with him and talk with him straight about the break up. You will either feel relieved and able to dedicate yourself fully to your marriage or you discovere there are still too many feelings left, but then your marriage was doomed anway. This meeting does contain a lot of risks, your husband very likely will feel hurt. He may not show it, but his hurt will be there. You may end up without ex-fiancé and without husband.

 

You should know what you want. I understand the need for closure, in general I don´t like to leave in anger and I hate to open questions. I´m just not sure if those questions would still make it necessary for me to be answered if I was with someone else who made me happy. The past is past. I might ask him if I met him by chance, but I probably wouldn´t feel the need to contact him so badly when the price is so high.

[michelangelo]

i think you are a good candidate for individual counselling with a professional so you can see why you are so dissatisfied with your present life. Even as you don't acknowledge that.

 

Your rose-colored glasses let you look five years back into the past somehow convinced that if you'd gone down that path it would have been better than your current path.

 

Your present course is guaranteed to have you losing your husband.

 

Trust me, if he's not fed up with you yet, he will be soon.

 

Please find a good counselor and explore this. it will be far more beneficial than just posting on boards.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by michelangelo

i think you are a good candidate for individual counselling with a professional so you can see why you are so dissatisfied with your present life. Even as you don't acknowledge that.

 

Ditto!!!

 

It makes it so much easier to evade whatever is going on in your own life when you can focus your energy on something/someone else. Particularly when you can't identify the source of your 'dissatisfaction'.

 

This probably has very little to do with your ex, or your lack of "closure" in the relationship.

[lovesucks]

1. I do agree with the others that you may have married your husband 5 years ago for the wrong reasons. You need to be honest and ask yourself the reasons why you married him in the first place. Was he the first person who was emotionally available to you after the breakup with your ex? Were you afraid of being lonely and in search quickly for a committed relationship in order to feel secure?

 

2. Apparently, there is something missing in your marriage. I understand you love your husband but some of your needs are not being fulfilled. The reasons that made you fell in love with your ex could be what you are not getting from your husband. It may or may not be your husband's fault. Just realize that nobody is perfect and you can't expect him to see you through like a crystal ball. Sometimes, people change over time and so are needs. Here is where it requires the very important task of mutual communications to ensure changes or needs are adapted gracefully into different stages of life.

 

3. Be honest with yourself and remember the facts why you broke up with your ex. 5 years ago. It's a long time which may have lessoned the trauma you had over the breakup but it doesn't mean that the reasons for it to happen are not no longer the facts. Try to remember what happened and realize you cannot re-write history. It is your choice to marry your husband and he still is your husband. Unless you don't love him anymore, otherwise open up to him about how you feel. Respect him and give him at least the that chance he deserves to put this closure with your ex for you.

[jmargel]

Originally posted by rachelcarney

The getting closure part is exactly what I'm trying to do! Tell me how! It's easy to say, "Stop thinking about him because you love your husband," but I have spent so long trying to do that and it didn't work.

 

I am trying to respect my husband by being truthful and keeping him involved so that I'm not hiding anything from him. I think it would be more disrespectful to lie to him, or keep this from him. I am keeping good communication with my husband by being open and honest and trying to find some way (with him, with his help) to fix it. Having my husband read all the emails is my way of keeping boundaries, so that it doesn't turn into an emotional affair.

 

I think that I owe it to my husband to do everything I can to get the ex out of my mind, and having tried the traditional "don't have any contact at all" for FIVE YEARS I can tell you that it didn't work; so telling me to stop emailing him isn't going to fix my problem.

 

So please, if someone has a suggestion on how to get closure BESIDES no contact, I would love to hear it. I have tried no contact, it didn't work! How do you GET CLOSURE?

 

Have you and your ex ever had your 'Break Up' Discussion? On what caused it? On what both of you have done to contribute to making the relationship go sour? If he hasn't contacted you in these five years, he is content on the way things are and has found contentment within' himself. He has probably learned what he did wrong in the relationship and is trying hard not to repeat it with his wife. Everything happens for a reason. You and your ex were a couple once to learn new experiences, to prepare for your future husband and his future wife. At that time you didn't know what the future would hold, but this is where you are today.

 

There's nothing wrong with remembering good times you had with him, but it's something you can't hold on for future hope. Things between you and him will never be the same, even if you both divorced and became a couple together. You will find there is too much water under the bridge to continue things where they left off. Since you had the no contact, I would take it he broke it off with you? Sounds like you haven't dealt with that issue yet. I don't doubt that you love your husband, but you seem like you need some sort of resolve. The resolve comes from within' your heart, knowing that you tried your best during the relationship and it just didn't work with your ex. Also, if you did do something such as cheat on him, that you have learned from past mistakes and have moved onto someone who can fully trust you and love you for who you are.

 

If you have any items to remind you of him, get rid of them. I did that with my ex-fiancee and it actually felt really good. Our relationship ended, I was single for about 4 years, then met my now wife. My wife (gf at the time) knew I still had things of hers in a shoebox. But I came to the realization that I was holding onto something that wasn't there. I went and read the cards, and yes it brought back some good memories, but what felt better was being able to throw that stuff away. To know that my future is with someone who truly loves me and that I truly love her. It felt like a big release. You can also get closure by writing out a letter and not even sending it. When you are done, read it, then burn it. Know one needs to know what was in that letter but you. This is a way to let out all that emotion of whatever is inside you. Doing this is not cheating and it won't make your husband feel uncomfortable about the situation. He doesn't even have to know you did this.

 

If your heart is stuck in the past, its future can't be looking too bright. Instead of focusing on what you've lost, try to change your mental attitude to what you can have. Get a piece of paper and a pen and write down a list of things you can have now that you are with your husband. Whenever you're feeling a loss about your past love, look over this list again to help redirect your thoughts.

 

Perhaps you might also want to look into a counselor. Most insurances cover it, call a local hospital for a good reference. Hope this helps some.

[Cecelius]

I think you can hold your head up high on the process you are taking, but I think, personally, that only little people need "closure."

 

Someone didn't like someone enough to hang with them any more. Is there more to it than that?

 

Frankly, your husband may be either the toughest guy on the planet, or way too easy going. A man will give till it hurts on millions of different fronts, as long as it doesn't involve being disrespectful or disloyal.

 

Be careful you aren't here 5 years from now seeking "clsorue" for when your husband dumped you.