I think my bf misses his ex or might be cheating?

[creepycasanova]

My bf Max is 21, and I am 20. We have been dating about 5 months now, and our relationship is, for the most part, a very happy one. I work very hard to be a good girlfriend to Max. I take care of myself, always try to look beautiful, give Max plenty of space (I rarely text or call him, and let him initiate us hanging out most of the time), and have cooked him nice dinners several times. I work fulltime and live alone in an apartment, and for Max's 21st birthday, I threw him a party and invited all of his friends and he loved it and had a great time (he said no one had really celebrated his birthday since he was a kid). Max is currently unemployed and lives with his mom, so we spend most of our time at my house, which is fine. A lot of his things are at my apartment, and he stays the night with me a few nights out of the week, which is nice. I see him almost every day, and since I work I usually only see him in the evening, but occasionally he will spend the whole day with me when I have a day off.

Although I love Max and respect him, I have been having persistent fears and doubts about his feelings for me. When our relationship began, Max and I were very physical, almost everytime we saw one another, but now it has dwindled to maybe once or twice a week (which kills me, I want to be intimate so much more than that) and sometimes he has trouble remaining aroused, but I realize there are other factors involved in that than me. Max used to come to my work sometimes just to sit with me and talk during the slow hours, but not anymore. He used to hit me up to hang out or be at my house as soon as I got home after work, but now it is usually about two hours after I get off before I hear from him. Max and I both smoke marijuana often, and although Max does not work, and rarely has money for dates or even for extra gas for his car, he always has enough money to get some weed. At the beginning of the relationship, Max made a point of telling me “when you’re out with me, you don’t pay” but I made it clear that I was more comfortable with us treating eachother out equally, where one of us pays once and then the other pays the next time. Because I am employed and he, currently, isn’t, I usually have the cash to spring to get him lunch or a drink at the store, but the reciprocation of these gestures has become less, and it bothers me. He asked me out to go to dinner with him the other night but we never ended up going (he has done this before, sometimes it will be a whole week before we end up going on the date at all) but when he showed up at my house I was clearly dressed for the dinner (I had worked to look extra pretty for him) and he never connected the dots and just commented how lovely I looked and kissed me a lot and we spent our evening at home.

 

I have been having a persistent feeling that he has been cheating on me, with his ex girlfriend specifically, but I can’t tell if I’m just paranoid and insecure or if my “reasons” for feeling this way are justified. The decreased sexual appetite and the increased time apart is mainly what got me feeling this way, and then came the “evidence”. Max’s ex girlfriend, Sarah, was a strawberry blonde, pretty girl, who had “temper problems” and had Max “whipped” and everyone, including his family, was aware of it and disliked it. They were together for two years before Max decided to end it at the end of last year. He told me that their relationship was “bad” that they fought all the time and she was “always mad at him for something”. He admitted that he only stayed in their relationship for the last year because he didn’t want to be alone and preferred to be in a relationship over being single. Since learning all this, I have made a special effort to make Max feel more like a man and the dominant one in the relationship, and I have chosen the few battles we have had very carefully before getting upset, although I wouldn’t call them battles as the incidents were not big things (once he was two hours late after he asked to see me, etc) I do not nag, or blow up at him when he upsets me, I just get a little more quiet and distant and wait to see what he does (he usually does something of his own accord to make up for it). Max and Sarah also used to play pokemon together when they were dating (he even named one of his pokemon after her in his old game). Since the new game came out, I have picked the games back up, and so has Max (we share an interest for games and art, etc) and in the new game you can have a virtual girlfriend who helps your character do things in the game. His girlfriend in his game is strawberry blonde and looks like Sarah (I have dark brown, almost black hair). It bothered me when he leaned over and showed it to me, but I didn’t bring it up because it seemed silly to be bothered over a video game but I noticed it anyway. At the end of their relationship, Sarah and Max agreed to cut contact with eachother, but they are still friends on facebook, and I know she sent him a text on his birthday. I have also had a few dreams recently where Max and I broke up or where I discovered he had been cheating on me.

 

Does anyone have any advice for what I can do to either find out the truth or put my insecurities away? Does it seem like he is being unfaithful or like he misses his ex? If he wasn’t happy with our relationship, I can’t imagine why he would stay in it, but after googling various questions I’ve had about things, I’m learning that people will stay in relationships for the fun, or the comfort, or the free sex if their mistress isn’t available. Still, Max broke up with her, so he could get her back if he wanted her, so why would he waste his time with me? I have worked so hard to be a good girlfriend since I was treated so badly in my last relationship and it left me hurt and doubtful of my own value and beauty (and Max is aware of this), and sometimes, even if my suspicions turned out to be wrong, I consider just throwing away this relationship to save myself all this worry and sadness. Max pursued me, hard, for a few months before I agreed to date him, and we were friends for a while before that, so it would be a little of a surprise to me that a man would go to all this trouble just to have a girl on the side. I know that if I confront Max directly about my fears, it will fully reveal my fear and insecurity, possibly chasing him away or simply giving him the opportunity to lie to me about things. They say go with your gut feeling, but I feel like my gut feeling might be more than a little biased due to what I went through with my own ex. Any thoughts on this?

[Guitar Girl]

They say that sometimes dreams do come true. I used to have constant dreams of me ex cheating and he was. I think he still has a thing for her.

[creepycasanova]

I was anticipating the doormat comment. It's true. I am accomodating to a fault.

 

But really it's all just because I truly love him and want him to be happy. I have always had the impression that men like submissive and accomodating women (and honestly being submissive is a little satisfying/arousing for me), and after hearing about how Max's ex treated him, I thought that my natural way of doing things would please him more, which it seems to, but it's not pleasing me to just do and do and do and recieve nothing and I don't know where to go from here. I don't want to break up, but if I really am a doormat, how can I recover? How can I establish a new power dynamic?

 

I did go ahead and ask Max at the end of last night if he was seeing anyone, or seeing Sarah, and he said no. He added "How could I cheat on the perfect woman?" which sounds like a sweet nothing and it is but it reassured me a little of his feelings, but not much. I was pretty distant last night when he came over. I had just gone to a mosque for the first time with my land lady so for the first half hour I was excitedly telling him about some interesting things I learned and we had great conversation. But then after that he just turned on his Gameboy and I settled in a chair (he was on the couch) and I just played on my phone while a movie was on in the background. This was me, nicely, trying to give the hint that I wanted attention and was sick of him playing Gameboy. He has been on that thing every single time I see him lately, almost for the entire time I see him. I love games too but I'd much rather hangout with my SO than get absorbed in a game. Also, since he doesn't work, he has all day to play Gameboy. Why doesn't he just play it before he comes to see me? Why does he even want to come see me if all he's really gonna do is play games?

 

Max noticed that my mood was different. He asked about it several times. When I finally came out and asked if he was being unfaithful, I had equally hoped that clearing the air with this would've given him the hint I wasn't feeling loved enough or given enough intimacy. He didn't catch on. When I finally got up to go to bed (I had work this morning), I said he was free to stay or go home, whatever he wanted. He opted to stay the night. When we were going to sleep, he made a point of kissing me several times on my face, my shoulders, my arms. I took this to be a good sign that he wanted to get warm and close with me so I started kissing him back on the face. He said "Hmm someone's lovey dovey suddenly" and I didn't know what to say to that so I said nothing and just kissed his face and stopped for a while. He initiated kissing for a few minutes more, and when I kissed his neck he just chuckled and said "Yes, baby, I love you too" which kinda hurt my feelings and I stopped.

 

I wasn't 'directly' trying to initiate sex, but I was trying to initiate something, and he rejected me. This seems to happen practically anytime I try to initiate intimacy of any kind. It has to be on his terms, and his terms is once a week, if that. I just want to feel wanted and desired. I hate working fulltime and then coming home at the end of the day and watching my boyfriend play pokemon while my heart is hurting and my body is neglected. I'm 20 years old, am told I am very pretty/hot, I have a slender, athletic body, and yet I can't get my own boyfriend to ravish me? AND he's supposedly not getting it anywhere else? I have tried so many different things to change this particular dynamic. I have been close, been distant, looked great, looked average, even completely naked in the shower with the door open, but the intimacy never comes when I need it, only when he does. I will admit I am a sexual person. Sex validates that my partner wants me. It validates that I am beautiful. It also, to a degree, validates when a man says he loves me, which Max does, often. It's also fun and stress-relieving, which is something I could really use after a whole day of working in retail with customers who talk down at you all day. I sound like a 40 year old man whose job is **** and whose wife won't suck him off, but it's literally how I feel inside. I hate it.

 

Today I am extremely sad. I woke up this morning and left for work pretty quickly because of how sick to my stomach I was feeling. Max woke up when I was getting ready and seemed to notice from my facial expression that something was wrong and asked "are you alright, babe?" to which I said "Yes, I'm just tired" and when I left I just gave him a quick peck on the mouth and barely looked at him (usually we are very sweet to eachother in the morning before I leave for work). I can't just say to him "I'm upset because we don't have sex enough and this relationship is starting to feel one-sided". It just sounds stupid. I shouldn't have to ask for sex. I shouldn't have to ask to be loved on and wanted.

 

I really, really don't want to break up with him but I just don't know what to do at this point. Tonight, if he texts me I probably just won't respond. He can either take the hint and be a better boyfriend or dump me. I'm so hopeless and sad about it now that it doesn't even matter. My spirit feels crushed.

[acrosstheuniverse]

This was me, nicely, trying to give the hint that I wanted attention and was sick of him playing Gameboy

 

I had equally hoped that clearing the air with this would've given him the hint I wasn't feeling loved enough or given enough intimacy. He didn't catch on.

 

I wasn't 'directly' trying to initiate sex, but I was trying to initiate something, and he rejected me.

 

I can't just say to him "I'm upset because we don't have sex enough and this relationship is starting to feel one-sided". It just sounds stupid

 

Tonight, if he texts me I probably just won't respond. He can either take the hint and be a better boyfriend or dump me.

 

There are WAY too many hints going on here! You need to just come right out and tell him exactly how you feel. Stop trying to leave little clues everywhere as to how you're feeling, this man isn't giving you what you want or need and he needs to know that so that he can make the effort to change or you can go your separate ways. For all he knows, he's doing everything right and can't figure out why you're acting off.

 

Also why does he have to 'be a better boyfriend or dump me' why can't you end the relationship because he isn't making you happy?

[creepycasanova]

You're right about the hints and I do have a LOT of fear when it comes to just openly saying "I have needs and this is what they are: _________" or "You did this _________ and now I'm angry" but I really just don't know how to approach these things without immediately getting emotional, and the sex thing is really just embarrassing! I don't feel like I should be having this issue at 20 years old. At this age I feel like I should be the one turning down HIS advances, not the other way around. I try very hard not to be demanding or a bitch and demanding more sex is definitely not the way to get a man to fall deeper in love with you or become more interested in you. I'm also, honestly, not used to this. Every man I had previously was all over me like ants on candy. Sure, everyone gets those days where they just aren't in the mood, but over and over again going to bed with a kiss and a hug multiple times during the week when we don't live together just feels boring and unnatural. That's not in my "love language" if that makes sense. And any imagined scenario I have of talking to him about it just sounds awful in my head. There's no way that telling a guy that he's not sexually satisfying you is going to work out pretty. It might influence him to "work on it" for a little while but I know for sure it would hurt his ego and that kind of damage lasts.

 

My reasoning with the breaking up thing is honestly that I just don't want to break up. I do truly love him. I want to work through this. I want us both to be happy. I don't believe in just abandoning the relationship because everything isn't immediately perfect. I know good relationships take work and I know I have as many faults as he does. But I feel that I have been patient, and generous in the relationship. I maybe am not the most communicative person, but when you invite me on a date and then come see me the next day and I am dressed for the date and we don't go, well I don't know what to communicate about that except that it hurt my feelings and I'm confused why you invited me at all.

 

If he is unhappy in the relationship to the point where he's not feeling the need to show me how much he cares, if that is what's going on, then he needs to dump me. I frankly don't want the blame of ending a relationship that I have previously been so proud of and worked so hard on. Obviously, if this kind of thing continues I will eventually have to speak up and call it quits, but right now, as sad as I am, I am willing to work on it.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Sounds like he's pretty complacent now, and why wouldn't he be? You bend over backwards for him, you let incidents like the forgetting to take you on a date go without saying a word and you try and accommodate him every step of the way. You need to scale it back a little if you're to have any chance of rectifying the relationship to be honest, take a step back, don't be so eager to let him know that you'll do anything to work at it, keep it going etc. because he'll just hear 'I can do what I like, she's going nowhere'. Become more unavailable. It sucks and it sounds like game playing but I genuinely think you need to get a little balance and start focusing on yourself, your social life, your friends, your hobbies. Once he sees that you're not at his every beck and call he might, just MIGHT wake up and make more of an effort to keep you... but I REALLY wouldn't hold my breath.

 

And then if it ends at least you'll be in a good place to recover quickly, rather than having what sounds like the focal point of your life disappear into the ether, leaving you feeling empty.

[acrosstheuniverse]

My reasoning with the breaking up thing is honestly that I just don't want to break up. I do truly love him. I want to work through this. I want us both to be happy. I don't believe in just abandoning the relationship because everything isn't immediately perfect. I know good relationships take work and I know I have as many faults as he does.

 

This is the type of thing I'd expect to hear from somebody married, or who had been together five years, or had children with somebody. You're 20 and you've been together 20 weeks. It shouldn't be this hard, this soon. When relationships have these many issues this quickly, they RARELY end well!

[creepycasanova]

After all of his raving about my being a great girlfriend, after how much I have shown him I care, if I did back off and become more unavailable, why do you doubt he would work to show he cared?

[acrosstheuniverse]

After all of his raving about my being a great girlfriend, after how much I have shown him I care, if I did back off and become more unavailable, why do you doubt he would work to show he cared?

 

Because he just might not care as much as you? You can be the greatest partner in the world to somebody and they just don't feel as strongly as you do in return. If a guy I found unattractive, unstimulating etc. was cooking me dinner, buying my gifts, trying to have sex with me etc. no amount of actions could persuade me to care very much if he suddenly disappeared.

 

People often like a challenge... they like things they have to work just a little for (while still feeling like they are liked in return). You're not offering him any kind of challenge at all, so he's bored, he isn't stimulated by your relationship. He just isn't as into you as you are him. I don't normally endorse self-help books but I've read a few pages of 'why men like b*tches' and I think the general sentiment sounds like the book could help you with your future relationship (i.e. don't start cooking massive fancy dinners, dressing up in sexy lingerie, throwing him lavish parties within the first few months).

 

None of this will probably help you in this relationship now because it just isn't working, but it might help you to reassess how you present yourself to future partners

[tlegend]

Because he just might not care as much as you? You can be the greatest partner in the world to somebody and they just don't feel as strongly as you do in return. If a guy I found unattractive, unstimulating etc. was cooking me dinner, buying my gifts, trying to have sex with me etc. no amount of actions could persuade me to care very much if he suddenly disappeared.

 

People often like a challenge... they like things they have to work just a little for (while still feeling like they are liked in return). You're not offering him any kind of challenge at all, so he's bored, he isn't stimulated by your relationship. He just isn't as into you as you are him. I don't normally endorse self-help books but I've read a few pages of 'why men like b*tches' and I think the general sentiment sounds like the book could help you with your future relationship (i.e. don't start cooking massive fancy dinners, dressing up in sexy lingerie, throwing him lavish parties within the first few months).

 

None of this will probably help you in this relationship now because it just isn't working, but it might help you to reassess how you present yourself to future partners

 

Honestly, maybe you need to take a step back and stop seeing this from a "the woman is a victim" point of view.

 

Sure, casanova here has outlined a few gripes she has about her boyfriend. Everyone has gripes.

 

However, the issues you are truly complaining about could be signs of something a little more serious than "he doesn't pay attention to me".

 

Getting lost into games every night, not getting a job or the motivation to find one, low sex drive, constantly numbing himself with weed (obviously, as that what he saves his money for.)

 

Sounds to me like you may be battling someone with depression...and he just doesn't even know it.

 

Why do I know this? Because I was that guy...once. I was in a relationship where she did everything for me. Granted, I paid for a lot more things than this guy, but I was in a rut and it was in no way her fault.

 

I didn't even know I had depression. I would always force myself to be happy and carry along, but I am naturally stressed out all the time.

 

Before then, I would play games all day and night, not exactly pay attention to my girlfriend, and buy lots of weed (she didn't smoke...but I sure as hell did). She ended up rightfully breaking up with me, and I ended up realizing that I had lost someone I really did love.

 

He tells you he loves you. It doesn't SEEM as if he is cheating, and I think your own insecurities are what is making you connect the dots about his ex.

 

Sure, the poster above me could be 100% right. But what if I'm right?

 

Maybe you should check with him and see if his testosterone levels are low, or if he has been feeling like the world is crushing him, or if he's tired moreso than normal. Has the weather become rainy or overcast more often than sunny in the past month?

[acrosstheuniverse]

Indeed, it could be something with depression. I still think it's more likely to be what I said than that, though.. and even if it is depression, I don't know how that would make her any happier about the relationship unless he somehow got treatment that worked and his demeanour towards her changed. I don't think it's related to his ex at all either, I think she's pinning it on that because it's less painful that linking it to her feelings for her directly.

 

I hope I didn't come across 'woman as victim' though, I'd be saying the exact same thing to a guy in her position. If anything I'm saying the kinds of things that I hope might make her place herself less as a victim than she does already... looking to something like seasonal affective disorder to explain the way he has been acting seems a little convoluted?

[creepycasanova]

@acrosstheuniverse I still don't see how you're coming to the definite conclusion he doesn't care as much. I realize actions speak louder than words, and that if one person is doing more work in the relationship than the other it's a problem, but he is not always like this. He can be very sweet, and often. Even when he didn't take me to dinner, he did clean up my living room and dishes the next morning before he left my house. He has taken me to dinner a few times. At the beginning of our relationship, he bought me a few really sweet, nice gifts. From my description of things I'm sure it seems like he's the ultimate loser, being unemployed, a pot head, maybe a little immature. But I love this guy for a reason. I could easily leave him and find another guy to date. If I was just looking for someone to date, that is. But I'm not. This guy is special to me. We are special to eachother. That's why I'm here, to get some feedback on how to save us and how I can do better than what I'm already doing. If that means spending more time by myself and less time with him to create "space" and "a challenge" so be it. The only time I will be willing to admit that he just isn't into me, is when he leaves me. There's really no reason for a guy to stay in a relationship with a girl he's not interested in, even if she is pretty and bends over backwards. It makes no sense to stay.

 

@tlegend This is something I've thought about a lot, and a friend of mine had also suggested that maybe he was depressed. He actually is pursueing a job right now as a catering manager somewhere, so it's not as if he's not trying, but I will admit he is very picky about what jobs he will take and he spends way more time goofing off than actually looking for work. He also does work for his dad sometimes, which seems to make him feel better. He once told me, after failing to stay aroused one night, that he felt he needed work, that he needed to feel important and that he wasn't feeling good about himself. This is why I don't want to approach the sex thing with him so brashly. More hits on his self esteem is not going to help--he can obviously tell from my body language that I am less than happy right now, but I haven't left him either, and I think that proves on both ends that we care about eachother. But from what you wrote, it sounds like your girl had to leave you before you realized what you had. Are you implying you would never have come to your senses without her leaving? Are these really my only options: leave or make myself a challenge and play a game? Men work differently than women. When I'm depressed, all I want to do is be curled up with my boyfriend and feel that someone loves me. Why doesn't that happen for him? Are the video games and drawings a way of him making himself feel productive? And if so, why does it seem like he spends a mjority of his time with me doing these things, rather than just doing them during the day when I am at work?

[acrosstheuniverse]

I apologise if it seems like I'm hell-bent on my conclusion being the only truth, I know full well that I don't know you or your boyfriend or your situation, it's just my feelings based on what you've said. It's very easy to sound passionately set on a view point via a forum message but of course I know I could be way off the mark. I wish you all the best, and I'm looking forward to seeing what other people contribute too, I may be in the minority!

 

But to your last point, people do stay in relationships out of convenience ALL the time because it's easier than leaving. So I wouldn't necessarily equate his not having dumped you with his being massively into you.

[tlegend]

Indeed, it could be something with depression. I still think it's more likely to be what I said than that, though.. and even if it is depression, I don't know how that would make her any happier about the relationship unless he somehow got treatment that worked and his demeanour towards her changed. I don't think it's related to his ex at all either, I think she's pinning it on that because it's less painful that linking it to her feelings for her directly.

 

I hope I didn't come across 'woman as victim' though, I'd be saying the exact same thing to a guy in her position. If anything I'm saying the kinds of things that I hope might make her place herself less as a victim than she does already... looking to something like seasonal affective disorder to explain the way he has been acting seems a little convoluted?

 

No, I might of been too harsh in my comment. You have wonderful advice, and I do not want to take away from that at all. I'm just offering a different perspective simply because she sounds like someone who complained about the SAME EXACT THINGS when I was dating her.

[tlegend]

@tlegend This is something I've thought about a lot, and a friend of mine had also suggested that maybe he was depressed. He actually is pursueing a job right now as a catering manager somewhere, so it's not as if he's not trying, but I will admit he is very picky about what jobs he will take and he spends way more time goofing off than actually looking for work. He also does work for his dad sometimes, which seems to make him feel better. He once told me, after failing to stay aroused one night, that he felt he needed work, that he needed to feel important and that he wasn't feeling good about himself. This is why I don't want to approach the sex thing with him so brashly. More hits on his self esteem is not going to help--he can obviously tell from my body language that I am less than happy right now, but I haven't left him either, and I think that proves on both ends that we care about eachother. But from what you wrote, it sounds like your girl had to leave you before you realized what you had. Are you implying you would never have come to your senses without her leaving? Are these really my only options: leave or make myself a challenge and play a game? Men work differently than women. When I'm depressed, all I want to do is be curled up with my boyfriend and feel that someone loves me. Why doesn't that happen for him? Are the video games and drawings a way of him making himself feel productive? And if so, why does it seem like he spends a mjority of his time with me doing these things, rather than just doing them during the day when I am at work?

 

For me, it was escapism. Men have the ability to stop their brain from thinking anything. Literally. It's a scientific fact, and you can even google it!

 

Anyway, coming back to that, I escaped from my negative thoughts by ...entertaining others. I would often do it to the point that it consumed my existence. I never have been an overachiever, but I have always worked 150% at obtaining 100%. I would fill my head with games and the like in order to keep negative thoughts out.

 

When I was at my lowest, my relationship suffered the hardest. I withdrew, and because of my own issues, I do not allow anyone that close to my heart. She was the only person even in the vicinity of my heart, but she couldn't understand how to handle my depression. She simply couldn't make me happy because I couldn't be happy at that time.

 

Depression, SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder), and others are a real possibility.

 

EDIT: Including:

 

I only realized how my behavior and my sadness was affecting other people when I isolated myself without realizing it.

 

I lost my woman, I lost my job, I moved back home, and then after about 6 months, I was reading about anger and depression. I read that therapy and counseling work, and so does medication, but I didn't want to pop pills for the rest of my life to be "normal". So I worked on what thoughts I allow in my head.

 

I have NOT taken anti-depressants and/or have moved from where I live. It's a battle I've continued to fight until this day, and slowly but surely, I have been winning the war. The more I catch myself slipping back into that coma cruising through life, the more I realize that I can't do that.

 

From the sounds of it, you are very dear to this guy. He's already told you that most of everything is due to his own position in life, and I can totally agree with that.

 

There has been times where I have been unable to perform in bed due to the sheer stress and drama going on in my life at the moment. It wasn't because I was cheating. (actually, if a guy is cheating, there is more of a chance he will want to have to sex with you MORE rather than LESS.) It wasn't because of the awesome woman I had with me.

 

It was because of me.

Edited October 16, 2013 by tlegend

[creepycasanova]

@acrosstheuniverse I would agree with the convenience, if I hadn't already been very upfront with him in the past about being real with me, and us. When he told me he stayed with Sarah for the last year because he "didn't want to be alone", I outright told him I didn't like that and that if he ever lost interest in me he needed to just take his things and leave and he quickly agreed and said he'd learned his lesson with that issue. In the past month, when all of the most disappointing aspects have been surfacing, I have brought up the subject of breaking up with him, telling him he is free to speak his mind and leave if that is what he wants to do. He is very handsome, and fit too, very charismatic when he's in a good mood, he could easily find another girl that's more exciting/pretty/hard working, if he felt I was lacking as a partner. He always vehemently denies that that is the case. If we had more sex, I might say he just wants me around as a warm and willing body, but I don't think that's it either. Depression really seems to make the most sense. A man who didn't want to be with me would definitely not be calling me EVERY evening to ask to see me (regardless of what he does at my house, he is still at MY HOUSE when he could be doing the same thing at one of his friend's homes.) He could keep me on a string by asking to see me every other day, or a couple times a week. He also doesn't have to stay at my house at night, he can always go home if he wants to be rid of my company. He has also commented to others how much he cares for me, and told one of my guy friends last week in private that I "light up his life". My guy friend did end up telling me, but I don't know that that was why Max felt the need to express that sentiment.

 

@tlegend I really should have considered the depression aspect more. It makes sense that, although he may not feel like having sex with me because he's blue, that he'd want to be around me a lot and spend the night with me. It still doesn't truly explain why he spends so much time doing other things while he is with me, but again, I think it might be a productivity thing, as well as, we are both gamers and we are both artists. He loves to show me his work when he completes it, obviously enjoying the admiration and praise, and he is always leaning over to show me what new progress he's made on the game, and even if I am annoyed that I'm not being given attention, it does make me happy to see him happy and enjoying something, so I try to give enthusiasm and praise there too. Also, as you said, he is numbing himself with the weed and occupying his mind with his hobbies. All of that does sound a lot more feasible (although I realize it also sounds a lot less painful for me than "he's just not into you").

 

When you were sad, and you say your girlfriend couldn't have helped you be happy because you simply couldn't be at that time and she didn't understand how to help, what would you have wanted her to have done differently? Would you have wanted more space, or more closeness? What, actively, could she have done to 'help' if she could have at all?

 

EDIT: Also, why do you say a man will want sex more if he is cheating?

Edited October 16, 2013 by creepycasanova
because i wanted to

[tlegend]

@

@tlegend I really should have considered the depression aspect more. It makes sense that, although he may not feel like having sex with me because he's blue, that he'd want to be around me a lot and spend the night with me. It still doesn't truly explain why he spends so much time doing other things while he is with me, but again, I think it might be a productivity thing, as well as, we are both gamers and we are both artists. He loves to show me his work when he completes it, obviously enjoying the admiration and praise, and he is always leaning over to show me what new progress he's made on the game, and even if I am annoyed that I'm not being given attention, it does make me happy to see him happy and enjoying something, so I try to give enthusiasm and praise there too. Also, as you said, he is numbing himself with the weed and occupying his mind with his hobbies. All of that does sound a lot more feasible (although I realize it also sounds a lot less painful for me than "he's just not into you").

 

When you were sad, and you say your girlfriend couldn't have helped you be happy because you simply couldn't be at that time and she didn't understand how to help, what would you have wanted her to have done differently? Would you have wanted more space, or more closeness? What, actively, could she have done to 'help' if she could have at all?

 

EDIT: Also, why do you say a man will want sex more if he is cheating?

 

My girlfriend did what most girls do. She withdrew as well. She loved me, I knew that, but she did what she knew how to do best too. Withdraw.

 

What would I have wanted her to do differently? Nothing. She didn't deserve to have to put up with that. I loved her dearly and I still do, and I would take her back in a heartbeat if she ever came back. But she won't, and I understand that.

 

There is nothing you can do. Who is to say that I'm even right? I'm just basing this off of an experience I had in which it seemed like everything you are saying about this guy was something being said about me.

 

The only thing that can be done for someone battling depression is to be caring, extremely understanding, and uplifting. You have to work hard at being able to rescue him from his own mind. This, unfortunately, is extremely tiring, taxing, and will leave you drained.

 

If he is indeed suffering from depression, maybe medication and counseling? But....if he doesn't believe he's battling depression or SAD or something, then it will most likely be very hard for him to commit to something like that.

 

I do hope for your case that maybe he is just inattentive or something. It seems like you truly love this guy, and to me, it seems like he's trying his best to let you know he loves you too.

 

EDIT: I read somewhere that most people often think that if your SO is cheating, they will sleep with you less and less. This is not always the case, and I remember reading that men will more often than not will start to sleep with you MORE because of the variety he's getting, and because he doesn't want their SO to find out, so they may overcompensate.

 

Keep in mind the credibility of that last statement is definitely questionable, but being in the midst of a cheating relationship about a decade ago....I can attest to that fact.

Edited October 17, 2013 by tlegend
Updated my answers...

[ProfXavier]

I have a suggestion on how to know if he is cheating on you. I added you as a contact. Lets get talking.

[Leigh 87]

The fact is:

 

- he is not giving you what YOU need in order to be happy

 

- You need a partner to show you through sex, that he wants you; this man will not change his ways in the bedroom. You cannot make him want you more.

 

-things won't change. Either accept it and love what you currently have, or leave.

 

 

Personally, after my ex of 2.5 years, I went on to find men who wanted me WAY MORE sexually than my ex ever did.

My ex and I were best friends, he really loved sex with me, but he simply didn't want it ENOUGH for my liking.

 

Look, I get that you have a lot of feelings for this guy.... I was very much in love with my ex. The thing is, he wasn't right for me. He did not meet my needs. Something was off, even though I was mostly very happy on a daily basis.

.....I grew as attached to my as I could possibly GET to ANY person; I was as attached as one can get.

 

It is very difficult to leave, when you just want to go home and cuddle them in bed at night.

I think you should have a proper think about all this, and try NOT to just stay with him and stay comfortable and avoid the pain and seriousness of leaving him.

It is very clear that you will not be happy with him long term; you DO need sex more, you DO need a guy who shows you they want you more, and you WILL NOT get it from this guy.

 

You sound like me. I not only need to be best friends with my partner, and to have them be sweet to me and show through their actions that hey love me; I ALSO need sexual attention as a means of them showing them how into me they are.

I am very sexual and need that sexual element as well. I would rather just be friends with a guy otherwise, if they don't want me all that badly.

[creepycasanova]

Would just like to update all of you and draw this topic to a close. I went to Max with my concerns, all of them, and we discussed everything and he actively worked with me on every concern I had to come to a compromise about it. I walked into the conversation a bit pessimistically, due to my own worries and the majority of the responses I got here--I assumed, undoubtedly, that he would leave, but that was not at all the case, and he held me for a long time and explained that yes, he HAD been depressed due to a recent death in his family that had deeply affected him, as well as other stressors that had been going on in his life, some I was aware of and some I wasn't. He went on to say that in all of the mess going on in his life, I was perhaps the only great thing that had happened to him this year and he'd be damned if all the time he spent getting in a relationship with me was going to be thrown out the window over what he considered a very fixable problem. We both agreed that we were going to have to work on our communication, and that really was the issue, that we had not been communicating properly, and that was largely my fault due to my fear, and partly his fault due to how he's been feeling lately. Regardless, thank you all for your input and responses.

 

P.S. I am noticing both from this thread as well as other threads I have read on this site that many women who offer their opinion on here take a very pessimistic approach when it comes to what to do with a man who isn't "meeting your needs". I'd just like to say that things are not set in stone--change can happen if BOTH people in the relationship agree to work on it. It does no one any good if your only solution to problems is to take your stuff and hit the road because every little issue leads back to the grand scheme of 'incompatibility' which is ultimately the nightmare word when it comes to relationships. Well, frankly, humans aren't born like puzzle pieces, even if we like the idea of the metaphor, and while some people might be blessed enough to find a match that is perfect in every way for the first few years, I don't feel that throwing away something that, but for a few cracks and scratches, is otherwise perfectly wonderful, makes any sense. The answer is not always "drop him, find someone else, life is too short". You can work through percieved "incompatibility", if both of you are willing.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I think a lot of women are so sick of seeing their fellow women put up with crap from their boyfriends or husbands because they persuade themselves that it's due to anything but the truth... so it has gone the other way, and people have decided to stop staying in unfulfilling relationships in the hope that the other person may change. At some stage you have to cut your losses and run... I'm not really into self-help books, but 'he's just not that into you' is a gem as far as I'm concerned. I can't believe how much sense most of it made when I applied it to how friends and I sometimes see men and relationships.

 

It also depends on the scenario. You admitted that you've bent over backwards to impress this guy you've been dating five months, throwing him parties etc. and being submissive to him. Based on what you've said, it does seem as though he is complacent, and complacency isn't something I'd personally want from a partner (and I've been there!)... I want somebody who works hard to keep us together and make our relationship awesome because he knows how good he (and I) got it and knows that I will walk if he disrespects me significantly. I genuinely hope that everything he said does pull off, but I fear that he may just be saying the right words. His actions, and time, will tell. Obviously it's a good thing that you're optimistic or the relationship wouldn't stand a chance anyway.