Dealing with the aftermath of finding out the lies

[Raena]

I posted my story in another thread here. I got blasted for acting like a victim when I chose to stay with a man who had cheated on me in the past. It has made me very hesitant to write on here again. Despite that, I'm feeling so lost and alone right now that I need to reach out to someone, anyone.

 

I've read many many posts on this forum in the past couple of weeks. It helps somewhat in that it is opening my eyes to what is really going on here. I really wish that I had known about this forum years ago. It may have saved me the heartache that I'm going through now.

 

I've opened up pandora's box and really made my bf of 12 years sit down and talk with me about what he is thinking and feeling. I didn't like what I heard. He tells me that since he quit drinking 6 years ago, that he doesn't feel things like he used to. He said he doesn't care about stuff like he used to. He used the word "selfish" in describing himself. He described all of the pain and hurt that he caused everyone when he was drinking and how he just boxed it all up and put it away. A "rug sweeper" as some on here have called it. To be honest, I buried my head in the sand too and thought that if I gave him his space that he would come around. I was wrong. I am not sure if he cheated or not at this point (see my original thread) but he did however lie to me and carry on an EA at the very least with this younger female. He said she needed help and he's been where she is so he offered to help. She took his attention and assumed that it meant he wanted more and then went crazy over it when I found out about it. Like I said, I don't know if he actually cheated. I told him that it doesn't even really matter if he did, he lied to me. He looked me straight in the face and lied. If I hadn't did some sleuthing, I wouldn't have found anything out.

 

At any rate, I'm left now feeling like a complete and utter fool. I know I need to walk away from him but the thought of making that happen just debilitates me. I love him. I've loved him for a very long time. I want so badly to find a way to make it work but I can't make him care. He doesn't want to leave because he doesn't want to hurt our son but he doesn't seem to care if he stays with me either. This is my perception at this point. He hasn't directly said he doesn't care about me. He just wants me to forget about it all and go back to rug sweeping. I see him as being depressed. Bottling up emotions is never good for anyone and moving on pretending that the things that hurt you didn't happen is unrealistic.

 

I spent today feeling like I was walking through a fog. I need a resolution to this all. All he can say is "I don't know" to every question I have. We can't talk because he is at work every night. I really hope I can make a decision that I can live with soon because I can't go on like this. I don't cry often, never really have, but I'm crying a lot these days. Random tears just rolling down my face crying for the loss of what my future was supposed to be with this person.

[James-London]

Raena,

You are totally right to take issue with the rugsweeping. This is an unfair and unreasonable way of dealing with things. As everyone says on here, it may be tempting to believe what your bf says, especially when its what you want to hear. However, they will very much lie and avoid telling the truth as much as possible. This is probably the most consistent theme in all these threads.

 

You need to try to be objective and rely on evidence rather than his words. I would go get a sexual health test immediately. If you feel you are not getting to the truth, I would look into his email, Facebook, phone bills and text messages. Lots of information online about this. Do not ask for his passwords or tell him you are doing any of this. when you know some things he does not realise you know, ask him some questions. Give him the opportunity to lie. Do not get upset if he does lie - you should be expecting this.

 

Brace yourself for the idea that there could have been multiple women over a long period of time and that there was likely a physical element as well as emotional.

 

if there has been cheating, what are your dealbreakers? I would write these down and sit down with someone else to discuss first if you can. I find that once we are actually faced with the full extent of cheating, we tend to compromise our own boundaries of what is acceptable because we are so scared of losing the person.

 

also I would do some basic research on therapy now, both IC and MC, and do some basic research on the legal aspects of a breakup around seeing your son and the finances. I know this sounds far down the line right now, but it is worthwhile equipping yourself with all this knowledge now. That way you will feel less lost if/when you need it later.

 

to be honest, the lies and avoidance behaviour could well be enough to end it, even without knowing all about the cheating. this behaviour is just totally wrong. Has he always been like this? You should consider that he does this because you allow him to get away with it. If there are some serious consequences for him, like you moving out with your son, he may well start talking more... although he may try to close up even more too. You know him best....

[kendallk]

People didn't blast you. You just don't want to hear the truth and face reality.

 

Anybody who would stay with a partner like this lacks self respect and probably low self esteem. Not to be condescending, but perhaps you should enter therapy to discover within yourself why you are soooo desperate to stay with someone who treats you this way. It is not normal or healthy. If you want to continue to be in a toxic relationship and waste away your life when you could find someone else who doesn't treat you this way, have at it.

 

Perhaps Google "codependency" too. My old friend sounds like you and after yeaaaars of therapy she finally woke up and smelt the roses. She doesn't regret leaving the a**hole she regrets the years of her life she wasted on him.

[Raena]

People didn't blast you. You just don't want to hear the truth and face reality.

 

Anybody who would stay with a partner like this lacks self respect and probably low self esteem. Not to be condescending, but perhaps you should enter therapy to discover within yourself why you are soooo desperate to stay with someone who treats you this way. It is not normal or healthy. If you want to continue to be in a toxic relationship and waste away your life when you could find someone else who doesn't treat you this way, have at it.

 

Perhaps Google "codependency" too. My old friend sounds like you and after yeaaaars of therapy she finally woke up and smelt the roses. She doesn't regret leaving the a**hole she regrets the years of her life she wasted on him.

 

Just because I stayed with a man who made mistakes in the past does not mean I have no self-respect or low self-esteem. Pretty much anyone who knows me well knows that I don't have an issue with either at all. I already know why I chose to try and work things out with him years ago. It was a long hard road before I got to that point, it wasn't something that just happened. We worked HARD at it. I am not at all feeling desperate. I'm feeling sad. There is a huge difference. Our entire relationship was not ALL bad. We've had many, many, many good times. Why is it is so hard to understand why leaving is difficult? Having a child involved makes it that much harder. Besides... leaving doesn't mean I will meet or date anyone. I work full time and take care of my son the rest of the time. I don't honestly know how any single mother finds the time or opportunity to build a relationship with someone new without sacrificing time spent with their child. I can't see myself doing that. More than likely I will remain single. This isn't about finding someone new. It makes me sad to just give up and walk away from someone I care very deeply about.

 

Either way, thanks for your insight. You are certainly welcome to your opinion, even if I don't agree with it.

[kendallk]

Just because I stayed with a man who made mistakes in the past does not mean I have no self-respect or low self-esteem. Pretty much anyone who knows me well knows that I don't have an issue with either at all. I already know why I chose to try and work things out with him years ago. It was a long hard road before I got to that point, it wasn't something that just happened. We worked HARD at it. I am not at all feeling desperate. I'm feeling sad. There is a huge difference. Our entire relationship was not ALL bad. We've had many, many, many good times. Why is it is so hard to understand why leaving is difficult? Having a child involved makes it that much harder. Besides... leaving doesn't mean I will meet or date anyone. I work full time and take care of my son the rest of the time. I don't honestly know how any single mother finds the time or opportunity to build a relationship with someone new without sacrificing time spent with their child. I can't see myself doing that. More than likely I will remain single. This isn't about finding someone new. It makes me sad to just give up and walk away from someone I care very deeply about.

 

Either way, thanks for your insight. You are certainly welcome to your opinion, even if I don't agree with it.

 

He didn't think about your child when he did this. Have you ever thought of that? You are being the more selfless one while hes being more selfish. Doesn't seem to me hes really working that hard at it.

 

I understand being a single mom and sympathize because I work with a ton of single moms...many of them are divorced though and have full custody, plus are dating new men. It would not be as bad as you think!

 

It does show low self esteem that you don't think enough of yourself to deserve better and you don't seem to think this should be a dealbreaker. Most relationships have good times but certain things are dealbreakers.

[Raena]

He wasn't "working at it" at all, that's why I said I heard some things I didn't like. He admitted to being selfish. I get that. He was honest about that at least. He wasn't thinking about anyone but himself and hasn't for awhile.

 

Maybe dating as a single Mom won't be that bad, but right now I'm not seeing that. It wouldn't be appropriate anyway for me to be thinking about that at this moment. I'd need some time to be alone for awhile. I just say that because I don't see how it is relevant. Stay or go, I'm not looking to leave because I want someone better. I'm thinking of leaving for me. Now who's being selfish. I don't need a man to make me happy but I also don't need to stay with a man who doesn't go out of his way to make me happy either.

 

Still, there's something holding me back. I guess I can't explain it well. It seems like now that he opened up and said those things to me... out loud... he has realized exactly how awful it sounds. Some things he has said in the past few days, the way he looks at me. I can see him thinking on it. I'm not heartless. Dealbreaker or not, my biggest fault has always been that I see the good in people. It's my downfall. It doesn't change the fact that I can't just ignore what he did and move on like it didn't happen. I don't know. I'm going to chill out on this for a few days, get on with my life and see how I feel then. My work is very stressful and I can't afford to let my personal life get in the way of that. It has already affected me there and I need to stop allowing that to happen.