A Reply to Another Thread (Serial Cheating) Got Me SMH

[RavenWolf]

I was reading through a bunch of threads and on one about serial cheating it was recommended to consider an open marriage if the people wanted to work it out and stay together. I found this interesting. Let me explain.

 

My soon to be ex husband is/was a serial cheater. He has proven over and over he can't stay faithful. As soon as I told him he could see/screw whoever he wanted he suddenly started with the whole "I only want you, can't live without you" crap. He of course now has "no interest" in other women since I gave him permission.

 

Then again, I did tell him the marriage was over when I told him he could see/screw whoever he wants now. So I guess that changes the context from "open marriage" to "single." However I had actually at one time considered letting him do whatever with whoever and stay married to me for the insurance but with the knowledge that he in now way would ever get "marriage privileges" with me again.

 

I really do believe there are people who just can not be faithful to one partner. I do no know why that is. Maybe there is a serial cheater here who can help enlighten me on that?

 

I just can't understand why a serial cheater would get married.

 

So I guess what I wonder is, once I told him he could have whoever he wanted whenever he wanted now and I don't care anymore, why it suddenly is not important to have those other women?

 

And of course I'm not kidding myself thinking if I wanted to stay in the marriage he would be faithful. I told him I know without a doubt he would do it again.

[Minnie09]

Yeah....exactly.....never believe a serial cheater. It's just words that come out of his mouth. Words mean nothing. Actions mean everything. He's just saying that because it's the socially acceptable thing to say, and he doesn't want you to "do whatever you want with whomever you want". If he took you by your word, that would mean you could screw around also. That's the last thing a cheater wants: an unfaithful spouse who has the same rights as he does. He wants to one-up you.....that's part of the passive-aggressive fun.

[harrybrown]

Thank you for sharing.

 

It is good to see that something made a change in him.

 

Keep it up.

[compulsivedancer]

Oldshirt has some interesting perspectives on this. According to him, when you swing or do an open relationship, it's just as important, or more so, to have boundaries. If one person can't follow those, it's still cheating.

 

It's likely that someone who would cheat wouldn't be able to handle the rules.

 

When H and I were discussing an open relationship (pre-A), he had some rules that I considered ridiculous, like no kissing, unless it can't be avoided. I had absolutely no intention of following that rule.

 

I realize now, with the perspective post-A, that in its own way, that's pretty much cheating. H set up those rules because he was worried that I'd fall for someone if I was having sex with him...as it turns out, with good reason, since that's exactly what happened.

 

If I didn't agree with the rules, my choices were to negotiate, live with them, or not do the open relationship. Doing whatever I pleased wasn't really an option. It was the same part of me that allowed me to cheat that let me think I could ignore those rules, even if I didn't agree with them.

[Zenstudent]

I experienced a bit of the same. A few months after D-day I realized I couldn't trust my wife, she seemed to not be willing to end flirting behaviour and attempts to contact OM. And even IF she would stop, I wouldn't be able to trust her - she completely blindsided me with her affair right under my nose.

 

So I suggested that we opened up, she agreed and asked me to find someone to try. Today; I believe that she didn't think I was able to find anyone or that I wouldn't follow through in case I did. I did find quite a few very nice, attractive, younger women to date. It was shortly after this she decided that open marriage wasn't good for us. She couldn't stand the thought of me with someone else.

 

Well, you never know untill you experience it, right?

[HtotheN]

I did find quite a few very nice, attractive, younger women to date. It was shortly after this she decided that open marriage wasn't good for us. She couldn't stand the thought of me with someone else.

 

Well, you never know untill you experience it, right?

 

Funny how that works, huh? Goose, gander, etc.

[dichotomy]

Let me add this thought - kind of related. At one early point (years ago) in my arguments with wife on how hurt I was over her complicated EA, she basically said it/they (affairs in general) were not "that bad" to her mind.. but if I were to cheat on her... well she would leave me because "you have such a high regard for fidelity that if you cheated on me it would really mean you hated me"....

 

 

So ya - cake eating and double standards are all part of WS menu.....but your not allowed to order from their menu.

Edited October 16, 2013 by dichotomy

[Pastypop]

The serial cheater that I know stays with his wife because she and her family are rich and well connected. She has a couple of fancy degrees and is a CFO of a healthcare company. They live in $900,000 house in a neighborhood full of influential people and also own a $375,000 lake house. She has given him a life and social standing that he could never achieve on his own.

[Betterthanthis13]

I was reading through a bunch of threads and on one about serial cheating it was recommended to consider an open marriage if the people wanted to work it out and stay together. I found this interesting. Let me explain.

 

My soon to be ex husband is/was a serial cheater. He has proven over and over he can't stay faithful. As soon as I told him he could see/screw whoever he wanted he suddenly started with the whole "I only want you, can't live without you" crap. He of course now has "no interest" in other women since I gave him permission.

 

Then again, I did tell him the marriage was over when I told him he could see/screw whoever he wants now. So I guess that changes the context from "open marriage" to "single." However I had actually at one time considered letting him do whatever with whoever and stay married to me for the insurance but with the knowledge that he in now way would ever get "marriage privileges" with me again.

 

I really do believe there are people who just can not be faithful to one partner. I do no know why that is. Maybe there is a serial cheater here who can help enlighten me on that?

 

I just can't understand why a serial cheater would get married.

 

So I guess what I wonder is, once I told him he could have whoever he wanted whenever he wanted now and I don't care anymore, why it suddenly is not important to have those other women?

 

And of course I'm not kidding myself thinking if I wanted to stay in the marriage he would be faithful. I told him I know without a doubt he would do it again.

 

What you describe sounds similar to my ex. I dunno if you can get anything out of my experience with this but here it is. After Dday #1 when I thought he had only cheated on me with one woman one time, before I broke up with him and left I suggested we experiment with bringing some girls in- back then I thought he had cheated because he was afraid to be real with me and so I stepped it up a little bit. I had actually suggested that scenario previously and he had been very negative about it but this time we made it happen for about a month. It did not go as I expected it to. Anytime I had done something like that in the past it was not stressful and anxiety ridden like it was with him. I finally got disgusted and annoyed and left him.

 

He claimed he didn't want any other women and just wanted me and blahbedy blah blah blah.... I was even more annoyed that he thought I left because I couldn't handle certain things, but really it was that he was just so very simplistic, scared and stupid. I have no problem with monogamy and never have. I think part of him did want monogamy as an ideal, or he wanted to want that, or something. His thinking makes no sense whatsoever. He's just so full of fear and shame that he is not reasonable, I can not ever really figure it out, all I can do is at best pity him because he is and probably always will be living in hell. On my worst days he disgusts me. Mostly I don't think about him anymore except when I read something on LS that sounds familiar to his particular pathology.

 

He was even cheating on me with one of the girls we brought in. I learned that after Dday #2.

 

The best I can guess is that he enjoyed the illusion of being the "good guy". He wanted to be something he is not. He wanted me to believe he was one way and secretly be another way, even though he was disgusted and ashamed of his secret. He did not want me to know the truth because he was ashamed of truth, even though I already was starting to see the truth and wasn't running. I was working with him. He wasn't working with me.

 

I'm pissed at myself now for doing all that because I know how it makes me look but I can promise at the time my idea wasn't borne out of a place of desperation. I was ultimately very wrong in my thinking and if I had a time machine I would do things differently but it is what it is.

 

There is zero, zilch, NO doubt in my mind that he will ever be able to be faithful to any woman, whether they are in a monogamous OR open relationship. He is not capable. It's not because of a biological drive or any such nonsense either. It's because he is fubar. <----technical term

[dichotomy]

LOL!! That's because there are very few "real" men in the world...especially these days. There are plenty (a dime a dozen) little boys that don't work, play video games all day, and then want a "mommy" to come home and cook and clean for them.

 

Then they cheat.... because, because, because she was at work all the time and didn't give me the attention, affection, sex...that I needed! *GAG*

 

Yikes ! The birds of prey.. are out for the men lately here on LS.

 

Shields up Mr. Sulu!

 

Kirk Out.

[velvette]

The opposite is the case in my home as well. I'm the major breadwinner, by far. Based on many of the comments here on LS, you'd think it was 1950 and all women are homemakers. That simply isn't the case.

 

My H and I bring in roughly equal amounts of income, but I have been amazed myself at the stereotype of wives here that seems to be straight out of 1950.

 

Even most of the SAHM I know have college degrees and interrupted lucrative careers to have kids. Most of them go back to work when their kids are in school.

 

I cannot come up with a single woman I know who is laying around eating bon bons all day watching soaps. There must be something about this stereotype that feeds something in OW.

[William]

I just can't understand why a serial cheater would get married.

 

Reviewing the starting post, it appears the thread starter has taken something they read elsewhere and started a posting on their own soon to be ending marriage which has experienced an affair.

 

Hence, discussion in this thread in this forum shall be directed to their particular circumstances and seeking of understanding of why a serial cheater would get married.

 

Discussion of other members or other threads are not topical. Thanks.

[2sure]

Prior to discovering my husband was a serial cheater....

 

First year of marriage. I was always very open minded sexually and so was he.

I was comfortable with threesomes and he was interested, so we had plenty of them just for fun. Just girls , guys were not my thing. My friends were gorgeous, it was always a social fun comfortable thing. It was always my idea, and he was a pretty lucky guy. I never once felt threatened or jealous, ever. He never pressured me or even brought it up unless I did. To be honest, he was having sex with more beautiful women than he ever could have without me.

 

So, when I discovered he was cheating...I figured it was because I had not only introduced him to this but shown him I was comfortable with it and he, like a lot of people ( men especially in my experience) just got out of hand.

 

Given all of that, it created the perfect atmosphere to at least discuss the open marriage option. I didn't want it, but he had no reason to not consider it other than he hated the idea.

 

So, that stopped of course. But it turned out the cheating didn't.

 

He didn't have sex with many of the women he was with, and it wasn't the main activity for him. For him, it was the need for constant new validation and also the need for it to be behind my back.

 

And the threesomes hadn't started it, he had been cheating while we were engaged.

[compulsivedancer]

LOL!! That's because there are very few "real" men in the world...especially these days. There are plenty (a dime a dozen) little boys that don't work, play video games all day, and then want a "mommy" to come home and cook and clean for them.

 

Then they cheat.... because, because, because she was at work all the time and didn't give me the attention, affection, sex...that I needed! *GAG*

 

I make more money than H. He is self-employed and does what he loves. I support his vision and career; I wish I was as self-motivated as he is. In fact, he puts in far more than the 40 hours a week that I do, most weeks.

 

Also, many of those "real men" who spend all day sitting in desks and have never seen physically hard work in their lives are busy screwing around on their lunch hours and while "working late" or traveling for business. I see enough of those on LS!

 

I HATE the term "real man." Or "real woman," for that matter. There is no one right, or "real" way to be a gender.

[Mr. Lucky]

I just can't understand why a serial cheater would get married.

It's easy. Home-cooked dinner and take-out sex are some men's idea of heaven...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Confused48]

The serial cheater that I know stays with his wife because she and her family are rich and well connected. She has a couple of fancy degrees and is a CFO of a healthcare company. They live in $900,000 house in a neighborhood full of influential people and also own a $375,000 lake house. She has given him a life and social standing that he could never achieve on his own.

 

 

What a good way to put sexual stereotypes to rest.

 

It's easy. Home-cooked dinner and take-out sex are some men's idea of heaven...

 

Or a for a woman.

[velvette]

I was reading through a bunch of threads and on one about serial cheating it was recommended to consider an open marriage if the people wanted to work it out and stay together. I found this interesting. Let me explain.

 

My soon to be ex husband is/was a serial cheater. He has proven over and over he can't stay faithful. As soon as I told him he could see/screw whoever he wanted he suddenly started with the whole "I only want you, can't live without you" crap. He of course now has "no interest" in other women since I gave him permission.

 

Then again, I did tell him the marriage was over when I told him he could see/screw whoever he wants now. So I guess that changes the context from "open marriage" to "single." However I had actually at one time considered letting him do whatever with whoever and stay married to me for the insurance but with the knowledge that he in now way would ever get "marriage privileges" with me again.

 

I really do believe there are people who just can not be faithful to one partner. I do no know why that is. Maybe there is a serial cheater here who can help enlighten me on that?

 

I just can't understand why a serial cheater would get married.

 

So I guess what I wonder is, once I told him he could have whoever he wanted whenever he wanted now and I don't care anymore, why it suddenly is not important to have those other women?

 

And of course I'm not kidding myself thinking if I wanted to stay in the marriage he would be faithful. I told him I know without a doubt he would do it again.

 

I believe you are correct that he will do it again unless he gets therapy to understand why he does it and resolve whatever his underlying issue is that drives his behavior.

 

As to why they get married? Same reasons as everyone else.

 

They fall in love.......just not very good at following through on the monogamy part.

 

They are trying to be "normal" despite probably having some severe wound or FOO issue they are acting out with cheating. If they see getting married as a normal next step they do it.

 

Lots of people think getting married will "make" them happy. Serial cheater is not immune to that thought.

[whatatangledweb]

I have a female friend who married young. She quickly became unhappy and wanted a divorce. Her husband begged for her to stay every time. She had small kids so she stayed. She also began cheating. The affairs were not the ILYs and want to be with you. They were all short. She had 8 or 9 while married to him. She finally divorced. Met and married another man. They have been together for well over 20 years. She never cheated after her first marriage nor did she cheated before it. She had not been molested as a child. She should have divorced instead she had affairs . She learned from her mistakes in the 1st marriage.