Back in contact... is that good?

[Simon Phoenix]

Don't confront, make a move. Don't discuss, just do.

[BC1980]

Don't confront, make a move. Don't discuss, just do.

 

Take this advice.

[Juha]

Relax and let her come to you at her pace. No talking about relationship or what is going on. Just hang out and have fun together. Enjoy each other's company.

 

If you just relax and let it go at it's own pace everything will work itself out...

 

If you start talking about things it will push her away.

 

Make everything easy, light, fun.

 

Let things evolve...

[chados]

even though having a girlfriend can be an awesome feeling, having one at young age is really hard. theres no real life experience that tells you what moves you should do. young people always breaks up cause they always thinks that theres something better out there. it takes time to learn to appreciate what you got. it doesnt matter what people tells you, you gotta see it with your own eyes. even if she is hitting on you and you hook up the problems will most likely still be there.

 

rushing is never good, its a sign of desperation. i think that you should take it very slow. and you should want her back because you feel that its worth the risk of getting hurt. and remember to be in charge. after all she was the one breaking up. its not your job getting her back

[muffinman1127]

Thank you guys so much, more opinions really help. I'm getting better at figuring out the right thing to do, but new speed bump. She texted me a few nights ago about our old relationship/breakup (in no way brought up by me). She said she wanted us to be "friends at the bare minimum" but then a little later she said that she thinks she needs to keep figuring stuff out and that she wished she knew what she was thinking. So as of now I'm just waiting it out and seeing what happens, but is this stuff good or bad?

[Simon Phoenix]

Thank you guys so much, more opinions really help. I'm getting better at figuring out the right thing to do, but new speed bump. She texted me a few nights ago about our old relationship/breakup (in no way brought up by me). She said she wanted us to be "friends at the bare minimum" but then a little later she said that she thinks she needs to keep figuring stuff out and that she wished she knew what she was thinking. So as of now I'm just waiting it out and seeing what happens, but is this stuff good or bad?

 

Hard to say. I would just keep letting her lead the pace on this. No need to scare the little cute bunny right now with sudden moves.

[BC1980]

Unfortunately, you are basically at her will right now. The question will become how long do you want to wait. I think what usually happens is that people get tired of waiting. I think it actually works against you to be around her all the time because it takes away an impetus to make a decision.

 

Definitely let her lead, and act like you don't care. That should help flush out her feelings. She needs to feel an intense fear of losing you before she will show her true colors. From my recent experience with someone undecided, this seems to work the best.

[NoMoreJerks]

She's jerking you around while she figures this out and possibly tries to get closure and make herself feel better / ease her guilt for having caused you pain (if you are going along with what she's doing/hanging out with her, she can't be that bad, right?). eventually, she might decide you're not right for her and that she was right about the break-up. The question is, why do you want to hang around her until she decides one way or the other. If she's not crazy with regret, then she probably isn't sure about you and never will be.

 

I hope I am wrong but this is usually the case with dumpers. and unfortunately, her lack of certainty is not a very good sign. I mean, I'd get impatient and insulted pretty soon if she isn't making up her mind. You're not her puppet on a string, waiting around for her to make up her mind. what are you supposed to do, not date anyone else because princess is making up her mind?

Edited October 27, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[BC1980]

I hope I am wrong but this is usually the case with dumpers. and unfortunately, her lack of certainty is not a very good sign. I mean, I'd get impatient and insulted pretty soon if she isn't making up her mind. You're not her puppet on a string, waiting around for her to make up her mind. what are you supposed to do, not date anyone else because princess is making up her mind?

 

The lack of certainty is a really bad sign unfortunately. My ex was uncertain after our break up, and I chose to see that as positive. In reality (and as everyone else was telling me), mixed signals and wishy washy behavior are not good. It means the person is unreliable at best, and it really speaks volumes about a person's inability to make a decision and follow through with it.

 

People don't usually just spontaneously combust one morning and suddenly have their minds made up. It's really hard for people who are decisive to understand that viewpoint, but it is apparently a trait that many people have. We have all seen this same scenario play out, and we have read countless threads on LS about this. This story really is as old as time.

 

With me, I got so tired of putting mental energy into something that wasn't even a relationship anymore. I do think you should play this out, but be prepared to bail if it gets too emotionally difficult on you at some point. It wasn't worth it to me in the end. As much as I love(d) my ex, I could not keep sacrificing my emotional well being. If you can go along with this without getting too emotionally attached, go for it. That was just not an option for me.

[BC1980]

Thank you guys so much, more opinions really help. I'm getting better at figuring out the right thing to do, but new speed bump. She texted me a few nights ago about our old relationship/breakup (in no way brought up by me). She said she wanted us to be "friends at the bare minimum" but then a little later she said that she thinks she needs to keep figuring stuff out and that she wished she knew what she was thinking. So as of now I'm just waiting it out and seeing what happens, but is this stuff good or bad?

 

It's bad. My ex pulled this same stunt. He would go back and forth after the breakup. I know you want to see it as positive, and I wish it were. I wanted it to be good for you in the beginning, but this "speed bump" is making me think this isn't so good. *sigh* Sorry, I've just been down this road. People who are all over the place with their level of commitment are bad news.

 

She said she doesn't know what she is thinking. That's not very helpful because we sure don't know what she is thinking. Anyone who doesn't know what they are thinking is not good relationship material. You need to be able to count on your partner to know what he/she is thinking as a minimum requirement.

[chados]

Thank you guys so much, more opinions really help. I'm getting better at figuring out the right thing to do, but new speed bump. She texted me a few nights ago about our old relationship/breakup (in no way brought up by me). She said she wanted us to be "friends at the bare minimum" but then a little later she said that she thinks she needs to keep figuring stuff out and that she wished she knew what she was thinking. So as of now I'm just waiting it out and seeing what happens, but is this stuff good or bad?

 

 

 

to be brutaly honest with you. people say stuff when they break up to make the other one feel better. sometimes its even more hurting, because you wont realize that she has moved on. not saying this is 100% sure because nobody knows for sure. but talking from my own experience i think that you should take this as "im moving on". the thing you got to understand is that the more you chase her, the harder it will be getting her back. we all learn this the hard way. its not something we study in school.

 

you should act happy not sad, you shouldnt talk to her. if she texts you tell her youre busy and that you'll contact her later. and dont just wait one hour. text her the next day. dont talk to anyone who might know her about her except your closest friends. because you dont want her to know that. do not ever look on her faceobook. block her or block everything that she post. theres a button for this. which mean you cant see what she is posting. why? because you dont want to see that trust me. if it says "out with friend" youre gonna think "out with guys". at least thats what most of us do. if you can do this. then you might have a shot. but there will be other girls out there. girls who appreciate even the worst times.

[Mariposa10]

I hate how we have to act all happy in front of our exes because god forbid they see us suffering that's so unattractive, ugh, another reason to believe in NC. Sorry I don't really have anything to add, I just needed to rant for a little bit.

[muffinman1127]

Well guys, it has been a weird couple days. I pretty much made every mistake in the book. Texting escalated and I ended up having sex with her, which I just meant as a hook up. Then she asked me to date again, and obviously I was apprehensive but I agreed as long as we didnt rush (funny seeing as we had just slept together). I went home after, but the next day she asked me to sleep there and I did, no sex. Everything seemed great, different from our old relationship and fun. I still didn't let my guard down completely, thank god. Tonight she came to talk to me and said she saw a guy that she's hooked up with drunk a bunch of times and thinks she has feelings for him, and that she's just in general confused. She said that she can't stop thinking about our history, which I felt like I mostly got past. She cried a lot, and kept waiting to leave because she was afraid or something. I was nice, hugged her when she was freaking out and didnt get too angry or anything (even though deep down Im still pretty pissed), but I told her that if she walked away she pretty much blew it and that I wouldn't be able to be friends with her. She kept looking for excuses to make it okay, but she still blamed herself a lot for everything. So I let her go screw up her own life for a change. Finally blocked her and unfollowed her on everything, the whole shabang. I still feel awful though, I really just want to cry right now. I knew this would happen, I just feel really stupid. Thank you all so much for your help, I guess some things are just destined to end in pain.

[muffinman1127]

I did the right thing right? I really need to be talked down, I feel like I should call her or run after her even though it's wrong. At one point she said half joking "we could always hook up again" and I was so close to just kissing her on the spot. Please tell me I did the right thing.

[Simon Phoenix]

I did the right thing right? I really need to be talked down, I feel like I should call her or run after her even though it's wrong. At one point she said half joking "we could always hook up again" and I was so close to just kissing her on the spot. Please tell me I did the right thing.

 

Yep, you did the right thing. You gave it a shot, she's not where she needs to be, you cut her off. That's the way you should play it.

[muffinman1127]

Sorry I'm kind of venting, but damn this has got my head spinning. A two day second chance must be some kind of record

[thora-tiki]

... look at what you have gained:

Your freedom from an old failed relationship.

 

Yes, you did the right thing, muffinman1127 - finally!

 

The reason she started to look for another guy (the guy she also hooked up with, whilst drunk)

and hadn't let go of the past, was because you two rushed things.

 

Your story is great at showing what premature reconnect looks like.

So thank you for that.

 

Your ex right now is an emotionally constipated bit*h.

 

Sorry, I know, I know, I sound harsh.

I always do.

Hah!

 

I would suggest you do this, instead of going crazy:

 

Send her the no contact message I have been telling people about for months now,

but no one have the guts to do.

 

This is the message, and I will explain why I suggest it:

 

«Hi. I agree with the decision to break up.

I really believe it was the best thing for the both of us.

I have some big decisions to make and I need some time to think them over.

I would really appreciate it if you didn't contact me at this time.

I'll be in touch when I am ready.» *

 

Read about it on how to kick loves ass, and at the same time read the success stories.

And get inspired.

 

As they say:

Actions speak powder than words, yes this message is just more words,

but they also draw a line in the sand.

 

And after reading just your two last, short, posts/questions,

you DO have some big decisions to make/do.

 

No contact is about getting you back, your life (sanity) back.

 

Without a life you are only an empty shell.

 

And the anger, disappointment and all the feelings you are feeling now will fade -

and you will have your life back - then decide what to do:

Move on or reconnect with the ex.

 

But first you need to realise that you don't need your idiot ex to be happy again.

 

As far as is there hope?

Yes, there is.

 

Don't use time to get the ex back, use time to get you back.

 

Use time to evolve past the break up and the old failed relationship,

and get your life back.

 

And the decide what to do, what you want.

 

A desperate state (the state you are in now, buddy) is never a good place to make decisions.

 

You said you were over the past, well, I disagree,

if you truly were, over it,

you would have known to not rush things (have sex too soon).

 

You would haven known that that would make her confused.

 

Yes, some books tell you to do the bed-rumba after a few dates,

but they also tell you to go with your gut.

 

And I bet that your gut said: Wait!

And your penis said:

I am magic and I can win her back.

 

A talking penis. Wow! Bahaha!

 

I sent this message to my ex, and for 10 months he did everything he could to make me to break it,

but I only broke no contact, you have to break it to reconnect,

WHEN I WAS READY.

 

I was actually ready in July, but knew that my ex was not, so I didn't break no contact until late September.

 

My gut told me that even if I was ready,

chances were that my ex, dildo face as I call him, wasn't.

 

As you have learned, reconnecting with an un-evolved ex is AGONY!

 

And will back fire EVERY TIME.

 

Send the no contact message I am suggesting, it is emotional free,

that is why it WORKS SO WELL.

 

Do no contact for 6 months,

or until you feel better and not so hung up in the ex,

and then see how you feel.

 

You can find any excuse not to do what needs to be done,

but that won't help you get your life back.

 

When you are ready for some real results, use the message I am suggesting,

I used this message (had no contact for 10 months).

 

I am now currently dating dildo face, my ex.

We are still taking it slow, after a handful of dates.

We have a cinema date today.

 

These are the only steps for the next 6 months,

weather you send the no contact message or not:

- To evolve past the break up

- Focus on you

- And become happy as a single person

 

When you do this you will soon see that the rest will fall into place.

 

Do not allow your feelings to drag you into a dark place.

 

* No contact message explained:

 

«The no contact message is sort of cold and clean like a lawyer would send.

 

There is no emotion in there and that really catches people off guard,

and because it is so short and vague they will start to get curious - right?

 

The main thing you want to do is remind them it was their decision to break up

and now you are making some big decisions and you don’t want to be disturbed while you make them.

 

Is any of this a lie your ex did break up with you right?

You do have a big decision to make - whether to «move on» or not.

 

And you don’t want any contact from them, and by telling people they can’t have something makes them want it more - right?

 

What is happening here?

 

You are in a sense now breaking up with them, and raising curiosity.

Why would he send me this message now?

What big decision is he talking about?

He will be in touch - what will he say?

 

«Switch Flipped» no contact message mission accomplished!»

 

Also, read some of the success stories on: how to kick loves ass, then read the forum members diary to see what he or she did during no contact, and get inspired.

[thora-tiki]

Bahaha!

 

Just saw this misspelling in my post:

Actions speak powder than words.

 

I meant:

Actions speak louder than words.

[muffinman1127]

Here's what I sent: Hey. I just want to say that I understand what you said and I think you made the right decision. You have to know that I could never hate you and I will always care about you. But there's a lot that needs to get figured out so I'd really appreciate it if you don't contact me until I'm ready.

 

Too much feeling? She said that she was sorry, glad I didn't hate her, and that she'd respect my space. So now just let it go?

[Simon Phoenix]

Here's what I sent: Hey. I just want to say that I understand what you said and I think you made the right decision. You have to know that I could never hate you and I will always care about you. But there's a lot that needs to get figured out so I'd really appreciate it if you don't contact me until I'm ready.

 

Too much feeling? She said that she was sorry, glad I didn't hate her, and that she'd respect my space. So now just let it go?

 

Yep, no more contact until you are cool with whatever. I think you thought you were before, but obviously you jumped the gun a bit. Do not talk to her for months, if ever.

[BC1980]

Don't fell too bad. I made many mistakes post breakup when my ex was waffling. NC helps protect you from making these mistakes. You did the right thing. Neither of you are in a place to reconnect right now.