I've never met my boyfriend of 8 months

[Trimmer]

May I ask: does his "situation" also preclude your being able to discuss him with family and friends? Are you able to freely discuss his presence in your life with those who are close to you? Or does he need to remain a secret from them as well?

 

If so, is that your choice, or is it at his direction, or is it just obvious to you from his situation, that you cannot share with others?

[StalwartMind]

syaf003 as you are more than aware of yourself, this is not an easy situation.

 

I know most people, like in this thread will tell you, that it's crazy to waste your time on this, but truthfully you need to find the answer within yourself. We all have different standards, reasons, patience and ideas of what is acceptable, and honestly I'm not surprised most people are telling you this situation is dodgy at best.

 

It's not hard to see that you have some pretty intense feelings and passion involved in this relationship, no matter what anyone else thinks about it. You need to ask yourself a series of questions of what you are willing to sacrifice for this, and in the end, no one but you can decide if it's worth your time.

 

If you trust this guy, take every possible precaution you can, think up the worst case scenario of how you can get hurt, and decide if you feel it's worth a shot.

 

It doesn't matter one bit, that I personally and for that matter other people wouldn't put you through such a situation. I could tell you that you deserve better, you owe it to yourself, to find someone that treats you better, but if every inch of you think it's the right thing to do, to wait for this guy, then even if it's an unpopular opinion, I'd say go for it. I know people here are trying to give you sincere advice to spare you from possible heartbreaks and so on, as others may have gone through similar situations.

 

It's always easy to be clever in hindsight, especially in situations such as this where everyone literally would tell you the opposite. I know this is completely silly to say, but it makes me wish we had teleportation machines so there would be no such thing as long distance relationships anymore.

 

Hopefully you do the best to protect yourself, as us humans are incredibly efficient at destroying others, physically and mentally.

 

I apologize if any of above sounds negative, as I can't imagine it being easy to read this thread, best of luck.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I think that anything is possible. I used to be closed minded to this kind of thing but I am not anymore. Why be limited by geography?

 

Is it possible to fall for someone you never met? Yes.

 

But I gotta say though that 3 years is WAYYYY out there. Also him telling you that he likes that other girl WTF. Just sounds like it's not worth it.

 

Otherwise, set a firm date to meet and take it from there.

[HeavenOrHell]

You can fall for someone but it's still a fantasy until you meet, people do not always feel the same way when the meet.

 

 

 

I think that anything is possible. I used to be closed minded to this kind of thing but I am not anymore. Why be limited by geography?

 

Is it possible to fall for someone you never met? Yes.

 

But I gotta say though that 3 years is WAYYYY out there. Also him telling you that he likes that other girl WTF. Just sounds like it's not worth it.

 

Otherwise, set a firm date to meet and take it from there.

[ThatMan]

Hey, you remind me of somebody I knew.

 

I can see the appeal in these sorts of relationships. You don't need to justify to anyone the feelings that you have. I'm sure that you feel very strongly about this relationship. With that said, however, I'm actually concerned for your safety at this point. I couldn't care less about your relationship or your interactions with this person: I'm concerned with you and the decisions you've made. Your reasoning here is way off base. This whole situation you've been in really disturbs me, even as I understand it and have been there. I do not think I could bring myself to consider your interactions with him any form of a relationship. Even long distance relationships which start out online eventually led to a disclosure between each party of their identity. The implication that actually, you even had a relationship with him at all - and that substantiating his identity isn't an important part of having a relationship - freaks me out. I knew a woman who was naive as you, and believed anything and everything that people on the internet told her. She would met strangers on the internet and enter these 'relationships' for a few months before meeting them without so much as a photo beforehand. She isn't alive anymore.

 

 

Consider answering these questions with a YES or a NO.

I only want a single word response. If you cannot manage to do that then don't waste your time or mine. I couldn't care about the person you've been speaking to - I'm more preoccupied with your own decisions of which you are accountable for.

No excuses.

No detailed explanations.

No circular thinking.

 

Have you seen his face before? Y/N

Is it possible, unbeknownst to you, that this person can be any age, gender, or ethnicity? Y/N

Is it possible that he can reside in any country? Y/N

How do you know his concealment involves the law? Has this been sustained by anyone in law enforcement? Y/N

Edited October 16, 2013 by ThatMan

[ThatMan]

Either you two are 15 years old and like most 15 year olds, simply don't know any better, or this guy's just a complete idiot.

 

I understand that this statement above might be seen as offensive and controversial, but it's still relevant to the discussion at hand. Do you have something seriously wrong with you such as a medical condition or an impaired cognitive ability?

 

Because although the fifteen year old remark is a bit insulting, the way you've completely accepted the things you've been old is extremely odd. There's just no way that most grown adults would think this is reasonable behavior.

[Zahara]

He's "crushing" over a girl on a social site?

 

And I wonder how many women he could be eyeing or crushing over in real life while you're 6000 miles away. I'm sure he's not going through his days shutting both eyes while women pass him by on the street.

[FitChick]

My guess is that he is on probation and cannot leave his area. Might be wearing an ankle bracelet. He won't show his face because she could google and find his mugshot online.

 

Either that or he is morbidly obese or deformed in some way. It might take him three years to lose hundreds of pounds.

[Trimmer]

I'm sure that you feel very strongly about this relationship. With that said, however, I'm actually concerned for your safety at this point. I couldn't care less about your relationship or your interactions with this person: I'm concerned with you and the decisions you've made. Your reasoning here is way off base.

I very much agree with this, and that's the reason I asked my sincere questions earlier about whether you are able to share this relationship with any of the people close to you, or whether it has to be kept a secret from them as well (whether you believe it to be by your choice, or by your boyfriend's declaration.)

 

ISOLATION is your enemy. Once you have become emotionally isolated - when it's just you and him, alone in the world - you have removed any safety net you could have had available. Whether you eventually go to meet him, or you get on an airplane, whatever - you are utterly without any backup plan or help.

 

I am usually not one to over-dramatize things and dread the way-out scenarios; I tend to try to figure out what is the most likely scenario and that often turns out to be the least worrying one.

 

However, your case is filled with red flags. Does it seem likely that you've found an internet boyfriend who is some kind of a creepy manipulator? You think not, but then are you saying it's a MORE likely explanation that he's some kind of mystery man of intrigue who can't show his face on skype, who can't travel, who has some kind of secret explanation for his special situation that you can't share with anybody? Is all of this really a more likely, credible explanation?

 

Reasons why he can't show himself is private and I shall not post it here. But it's valid and I know you wouldn't get it unless you hear it for yourself.

 

He said he will try to come down to see me, I can tell he's really mad that he couldn't. It's not like he doesn't want to. It's more like he can't.

 

...everything else that I know of him is confidential and between me and him only.

Do you have any of this information about him through ANY other source other than what he has told you himself?

 

If this were your younger sister saying these things, what would you tell her? I know if you were my daughter I would be extremely worried, but I expect you haven't shared this with anyone, have you?

 

But I completely know the reason why he can't video chat and obviously I can't say it here.

Actually, you can. Here's everything we know about how to identify or find you: syaf003 That's all we have. There is nothing anyone here can do to identify or locate you, as long as you choose to keep that screen name private. So no, I'm not buying that you "obviously" can't share it here. You are completely anonymous. I wonder if you're starting to realize that the whole thing might be a bit shaky if you truly look at it objectively, so you aren't wanting to expose it to scrutiny and real informed advice. And if that's the case, then the manipulator is doing his job just right, isn't he?

 

Does anyone else in your life know about this relationship? Or are you keeping it a secret from everyone? Is it like you're having an affair, keeping this relationship a secret and separate from your real life? Except in this case, I fear that you are betraying yourself and your own safety.

 

Please do this: Google > sex trafficking documentary Chosen < and look at the first result that comes up (at q13fox.com). (I'm not going to post a direct link because that page contains commercial ads and it may get deleted from this post, but you can get there this way.) Read the story and watch the video. You will probably be tempted to focus on specific details that "aren't like your situation" - different age, no drugs or stripping involved, etc. - and you will tend to discount it, but I implore you to look at the larger theme: manipulation by isolation. Even if your case doesn't match this in all ways, even if your guy is not a sex-trafficker, it sure looks a lot like you are being isolated by secrecy. Find a target and isolate her from her family and friends, using whatever means necessary: secrecy, loyalty, trust, shame, excitement, adventure, relationship drama.... Build the whole thing up - over a long time if necessary. The key danger spot that keeps you subject to manipulation, and at risk: secrecy and isolation.

 

Honestly ask yourself: if this is a real relationship, no matter what the person's situation on the other side, why is it really necessary to keep it completely and entirely secret from EVERYBODY in your life? Really, what are the most likely explanations for this? This should be a huge red flag.

 

Another thought experiment: let's say you were to write down everything you know about this person, and seal it in an envelope, in case something happened to you (like you went to meet him and things go bad.) Do you really trust that it's all true and honest and that it would be sufficient for someone to find him - and you - if needed?

 

To me, one of the scariest parts of the case in that video is where the girl herself still didn't believe it, even after being brought in and briefed by the police, until they finally showed her an Email with the arrangements to sell her - literally sell her - for $40,000 or $60,000 or something like that, upon "delivery." (I don't recall if it was in that video, but I've seen other interviews with her...)

 

Don't betray yourself - don't forfeit your own safety. Think about what you've got going on here. Share this with your family, with your friends, with someone. And if your reasoning for not doing that is: "oh, nobody would understand", then the manipulator gets to check one more box off the checklist.

Edited October 17, 2013 by Trimmer

[emi]

Hey, you remind me of somebody I knew.

I knew a woman who was naive as you, and believed anything and everything that people on the internet told her. She would met strangers on the internet and enter these 'relationships' for a few months before meeting them without so much as a photo beforehand. She isn't alive anymore. Y/N

 

What happen with her?

[clia]

I saw this thread a few days ago and have been trying to think of any legitimate or reasonable explanation why a guy would insist on Skyping in the dark. All I could come up with is:

 

1. He is claiming to be someone famous (internationally, nationally, or even locally) so he doesn't want any video or screen shots of him getting out; or

 

2. He does not want you to see what he looks like.

 

Neither of these are good for you.

 

OP, are you friends with him on Facebook? Have you ever spoken to anyone else in his family or any of his friends? How many pictures of him have you actually seen? Have you tried to validate anything he has told you through a third party or public information?

 

This whole thing sounds so crazy and suspicious.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, he's full of malarkey and you know it. You say you trust him completely - why? That's beyond naive and could put you in serious danger. Do your friends and family know about him?

 

I cannot fathom why he can't show his face for "legal" reasons, or in what way you were able to verify his claims. You have no idea who you're speaking to. It could be a woman living in the next county. It could be a lonely senior in Taiwan. It could be a pre-teen boy showing off his stud status to all his little buddies. People will go to great lengths to hide themselves when they have something serious to hide. Please tell me, that at 21, you're wiser than that. What part of the world does he claim to inhabit?

[ThatMan]

I apologize for the confusion in my previous messages.

My smartphone's auto-correct feature replaces certain words.

What happen with her?

She willingly entered a car with the wrong man. I refuse to discuss what he did to her. When dating strangers from the internet for the first time, please meet in a public setting. It is unsafe to be alone with them for a car ride.

 

 

I would like to echo Trimmer's concerns. I think that now is a good opportunity to build support with the people who value you. I would also like to apogolize for my insensitive remarks. I think that I've been too harsh and I'm willing to claim ownership of that and make amends. What matters here is how you are feeling, syaf003, and whether or not you are safe. I'm worried about you and with good reason. I've observed quite a few unhealthy decisions.

 

The reality is that you cannot control the actions of your boyfriend. Perhaps there's something about his situation that's he's unwilling to share because it makes him uncomfortable. And that's okay! It isn't his decisions that are dangerous and unhealthy. In the short time that you've been here, you've expressed insecurities, the unhealthy belief that being a good spouse entails letting him continue behaviors that hurt you such as ogling other women, you have unconditionally accepted the words of a stranger without thought or care, and you do not believe understanding the identity of your spouse is an important aspect of a relationship. You deserve to be happy. These concerns are very serious and I think they should be dealt with.

 

It's extremely thoughtless to unconditionally embrace the words of people you've just met and accept them and infallible truths. There's no need to automatically assume the worst in people and become paranoid. The only thing we need to do is incredibly simple: We need to look after our own interests and personal well-being. Looking back on these past eight months, can you honestly say that you've done that? Nobody is a mind-reader and it's impossible to understand the intentions of others in complete certainty. But the moment that other people ask things you of, such waiting another three years, only you can decide what to do. As it stands, boyfriend or not, the way you've been reasoning will led you to a very bad place in life. These unhealthy behaviors can be changed into something positive - which is something you can do!

[emi]

Ah sorry i just curious. I heard about scam alot but i never heard of murder

[ThatMan]

No, emi, she wasn't murdered. Let's not be melodramatic. I'm not here to fear monger. She was exploited and suffered from these experiences for years until she finally killed herself. The stress and pain outweighed her will to live. I'm ending this discussion right here because I don't feel comfortable continuing.

 

If a person doesn't have the common sense to meet strangers from the internet in public spaces, accept drinks directly from the bartender instead of people you are unfamiliar with, and remain sober while meeting new people - then maybe that person isn't ready for relationships yet. There's something more important to address first. Conversely, going through life being so unfortunate as to accept anything a stranger tells you is no way to live. I shutter at the fact that people who live like this exist on the complete whims of the intentions of other people - especially when people like syaf003 believe her own feelings aren't important and that being a good spouse entails doing nothing at all the wrong moments.

 

We just have to be considerate of ourselves. That's all.

We are all capable of this. You can meet the biggest jerk in the world and it wouldn't matter if you look after yourself and stay safe.

syaf003 has repeatedly demonstrated for us that she has failed to be considerate of herself.

Edited October 18, 2013 by ThatMan

[emi]

No, emi, she wasn't murdered. Let's not be melodramatic. I'm not here to fear monger. She was exploited and suffered from these experiences for years until she finally killed herself. The stress and pain outweighed her will to live. I'm ending this discussion right here because I don't feel comfortable continuing.

 

If a person doesn't have the common sense to meet strangers from the internet in public spaces, accept drinks directly from the bartender instead of people you are unfamiliar with, and remain sober while meeting new people - then maybe that person isn't ready for relationships yet. There's something more important to address first. Conversely, going through life being so unfortunate as to accept anything a stranger tells you is no way to live. I shutter at the fact that people who live like this exist on the complete whims of the intentions of other people - especially when people like syaf003 believe her own feelings aren't important and that being a good spouse entails doing nothing at all the wrong moments.

 

We just have to be considerate of ourselves. That's all.

We are all capable of this. You can meet the biggest jerk in the world and it wouldn't matter if you look after yourself and stay safe.

syaf003 has repeatedly demonstrated for us that she has failed to be considerate of herself.

 

Thank you for sharing. May her soul RIP. I personally will take it as a lesson for myself to put my guard up and never enter a car with stranger. Im sorry for disconcerting you and for started to ask other thing in other's people post

 

For OP, you can see all the comments here are all against your wish, however its true, myself cant say anything better. Listen to us or we cant save you when disaster strike

[Trimmer]

syaf - you've been quiet on this thread for a while now. Could you just tell us whether anyone around you in real life knows about your relationship with your online boyfriend? Is there anyone who knows, and understands the details of it enough (e.g. that you haven't seen him, that to be able to offer some kind of support and understanding?

[Trimmer]

Well, she joined a week ago, started 3 threads and contributed to them all on that day, then disappeared.

 

syaf - I hope you come back and let us know what's going on, and I really encourage you to share the details of your online boyfriend with the people around you in real life, both as a sanity check, and a safety valve.

[Carenth]

I very much doubt she will be back. She wants to believe that this person is on the level, even though the massive red flags are glaring. She didn't want to discuss it as I predicted it wouldn't hold up to much scrutiny.

 

I hope that in time she comes to realise this herself. I very much doubt she has told anyone about her so called boyfriend at least anyone who could talk some sense into her (eg. friends and family). As she was paranoid enough about posting about his "situation" on a anonymous forum in case the police found out she talked.

 

He has instilled a sense of fear in her that something horrible will happen if she talks about him, which is really sad...

[Els]

I very much agree with this, and that's the reason I asked my sincere questions earlier about whether you are able to share this relationship with any of the people close to you, or whether it has to be kept a secret from them as well (whether you believe it to be by your choice, or by your boyfriend's declaration.)

 

ISOLATION is your enemy. Once you have become emotionally isolated - when it's just you and him, alone in the world - you have removed any safety net you could have had available. Whether you eventually go to meet him, or you get on an airplane, whatever - you are utterly without any backup plan or help.

 

I am usually not one to over-dramatize things and dread the way-out scenarios; I tend to try to figure out what is the most likely scenario and that often turns out to be the least worrying one.

 

However, your case is filled with red flags. Does it seem likely that you've found an internet boyfriend who is some kind of a creepy manipulator? You think not, but then are you saying it's a MORE likely explanation that he's some kind of mystery man of intrigue who can't show his face on skype, who can't travel, who has some kind of secret explanation for his special situation that you can't share with anybody? Is all of this really a more likely, credible explanation?

 

 

Do you have any of this information about him through ANY other source other than what he has told you himself?

 

If this were your younger sister saying these things, what would you tell her? I know if you were my daughter I would be extremely worried, but I expect you haven't shared this with anyone, have you?

 

 

Actually, you can. Here's everything we know about how to identify or find you: syaf003 That's all we have. There is nothing anyone here can do to identify or locate you, as long as you choose to keep that screen name private. So no, I'm not buying that you "obviously" can't share it here. You are completely anonymous. I wonder if you're starting to realize that the whole thing might be a bit shaky if you truly look at it objectively, so you aren't wanting to expose it to scrutiny and real informed advice. And if that's the case, then the manipulator is doing his job just right, isn't he?

 

Does anyone else in your life know about this relationship? Or are you keeping it a secret from everyone? Is it like you're having an affair, keeping this relationship a secret and separate from your real life? Except in this case, I fear that you are betraying yourself and your own safety.

 

Please do this: Google > sex trafficking documentary Chosen < and look at the first result that comes up (at q13fox.com). (I'm not going to post a direct link because that page contains commercial ads and it may get deleted from this post, but you can get there this way.) Read the story and watch the video. You will probably be tempted to focus on specific details that "aren't like your situation" - different age, no drugs or stripping involved, etc. - and you will tend to discount it, but I implore you to look at the larger theme: manipulation by isolation. Even if your case doesn't match this in all ways, even if your guy is not a sex-trafficker, it sure looks a lot like you are being isolated by secrecy. Find a target and isolate her from her family and friends, using whatever means necessary: secrecy, loyalty, trust, shame, excitement, adventure, relationship drama.... Build the whole thing up - over a long time if necessary. The key danger spot that keeps you subject to manipulation, and at risk: secrecy and isolation.

 

Honestly ask yourself: if this is a real relationship, no matter what the person's situation on the other side, why is it really necessary to keep it completely and entirely secret from EVERYBODY in your life? Really, what are the most likely explanations for this? This should be a huge red flag.

 

Another thought experiment: let's say you were to write down everything you know about this person, and seal it in an envelope, in case something happened to you (like you went to meet him and things go bad.) Do you really trust that it's all true and honest and that it would be sufficient for someone to find him - and you - if needed?

 

To me, one of the scariest parts of the case in that video is where the girl herself still didn't believe it, even after being brought in and briefed by the police, until they finally showed her an Email with the arrangements to sell her - literally sell her - for $40,000 or $60,000 or something like that, upon "delivery." (I don't recall if it was in that video, but I've seen other interviews with her...)

 

Don't betray yourself - don't forfeit your own safety. Think about what you've got going on here. Share this with your family, with your friends, with someone. And if your reasoning for not doing that is: "oh, nobody would understand", then the manipulator gets to check one more box off the checklist.

 

Even if the OP isn't coming back, I wanted to quote Trimmer's (excellent, IMO) post for emphasis. Everyone needs to take this into consideration, especially young women going to visit men in another country. Human trafficking is alive and well, folks, and the less blind you are to it, the better.

[SoleMate]

If "he" won't even show his face on a cam from 6740 miles away, to me that is overwhelming evidence that "he" is not who "he" claims to be. The person you call your bf may actually be far older, married, female, you name it....

 

The only thing we can be truly sure of is that "he" has access to the Internet....

[nomadic_butterfly]

I'm sorry, but this is not likely going to work out. I hope you're not sending him money.

 

If your mind is made up, I have nothing else to add.

 

Good luck.

 

OMG this made me laugh so hard!