My guy friends need to back off

[Simon Phoenix]

*sigh*

 

 

once again, you missed a good chunk of what I said.

 

 

Men in passing vehicles hollering at me. HOW do I engage these men? How is he attempting to pursue me when he's in a vehicle on the street, passing by at 30 mph? It's not like I'm "rejecting" this man by not going to him and engaging him, there's literally NOTHING I can do short of chasing after the vehicle waving my arms for the driver to stop.

 

 

What on earth am I supposed to do? How is this guy trying to pursue me?

 

Who says you need to engage them? All I'm saying is that they are showing interest. I mean, at this point I think you are arguing to argue.

[Simon Phoenix]

More towards the original topic..

 

Why would a guy be friends with an attractive girl that he's interested in, and then never pursue her? He's single, she's single, they've been friends for years. He's never indicated any sexual or romantic interest towards her.

 

 

What would be the point of this? Why else would a guy do this other than the fact that he legitimately just enjoys her friendship but is not interested? I see no other reason...

 

Fear of rejection initially, he never gets a sign of interest from her and either a) hopes that eventually she'll "come around" and show that interest or b) he loses interest in that but decides he likes hanging out with her for other reasons.

 

Not all men are brazen in showing interest to a woman they are attracted in. A lot of the time they are looking for positive reinforcement before they move forward.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Ok, I am not inherently disagreeing with any of the above, because it all makes perfect sense, is logical, and commonly IS the way things actually are.

 

 

It doesn't mean it's ALWAYS the way things are.

 

 

1.) If I walk into a bar and announce that I'm looking to have sex, no man is gonna take me seriously. Not in the slightest. Men aren't going to come running cause they're not gonna actually believe that I'm serious about that.

 

Dammit, she's right... but it is because nobody would believe her... just like nobody can believe, in the present, that she doesn't have a boyfriend, and/or doesn't have men drooling all over her all the time.

 

2.)...My biggest problem in dating is the fact that men never actually pursue me.

 

And I don't think Phoe fully believes/gets that male disbelief (at such opportunity, in their vicinity) is as great a factor as it is.

 

 

 

So... as far as debates go, again, I am not disagreeing with your statements, just adding reasons for why it's not so black and white. There are MANY MANY people in this world and we are all very very different.

 

 

There is never a "one size fits all" when it comes to friendships, dating, attraction, etc.

 

 

I do feel (more in-tune with where Phoe IS in her thoughts, and more comfortable about her realism for having read some of this) yet I still feel that no matter what she's wearing or how she looks, she gazes into the mirror and sees a sports jersey with a giant #1 on it, and written on top across her upper back it says "Flawed".

 

 

While at the same time guys don't approach because they're intimidated, and will easily let themselves believe that Phoe must be spoken-for.

[Phoe]

just like nobody can believe, in the present, that she doesn't have a boyfriend

 

Plenty of people can believe it.

 

 

Why in gods name would I spend ridiculous amounts of time browsing this forum if I had a boyfriend? Wouldn't I be out and about doing things, if I had a boyfriend? Wouldn't I be f**king him rather than snuggling up with my cat and ipad at night to talk with strangers from all over the world?

 

 

It's sad, and its sometimes pathetic, but there's no reason not to believe it.

[LuckyRed]

First of all, it sounds like you have repeatedly tried to let these guys down nice and easy, but that clearly hasn’t worked. Although I disagree with some of the opinions already stated here regarding the intention of guys who are friends with girls, I think it does apply in your case. The attention of your male friends is inappropriate and is causing potential problems between you and your boyfriend. The more these guys act inappropriately, the more frustrated your boyfriend will most likely get, which may result in negative conflict occurring in your relationship. These friends of yours seem to think that there is some kind of social exchange going on, meaning that if they are friends with you that you will eventually sleep with them. To counteract your guy friends’ belief you need to set clear boundaries. Start by sitting them all down at once, if you can, and telling them exactly what they have been doing wrong and how it is affecting you. I wouldn’t bring up your boyfriend if you can help it, because they may just end up using him as a scapegoat and assuming that it is not so much you as him that is having a problem. Make it clear what behaviors you are having the problem with and how it makes you not want to be around them. After that initial setting of boundaries, be vigilant whenever they do something that is outside of those boundaries. When they cross a line address it right then and there. Do not wait until later to communicate what they did wrong. If they still don’t get it, I would stop hanging out with them for a while and allow them to understand just how serious you are. You don’t have to give them the silent treatment, it doesn’t work, just make it clear that their behavior makes you not want to be around them. If they don’t change then maybe you need to let them go, because no true friend would doing something that makes you feel so uncomfortable. By setting these boundaries and sticking to them you are sending a clear message that the only thing these guys will get in exchange for their friendship is friendship.

[HorseLuck]

I'm guessing you never had brothers, because this is the most ridiculously naive thing I've ever read. It boggles my mind when women say things like this.

 

What about that exactly, boggles your mind? I admitted I am naive to a degree.

 

I have two brothers, not that I'm close to them. Definitely more comfortable/trusting of males. I've had guy friends whom, like another poster mentioned, consider me their little sister and have zero interest.

 

Also, because I mentioned preferring to date people I've gotten to know as friends, doesn't mean I've dipped in my friendship pool often. Wanted to make that clear.

 

If one showed interest and I were to deny a relationship beyond friendship, they never pursue things further and are content with being my friend- is that not a valid friendship? All I can say is I truly don't believe they're orbiters. I wish I could support that statement further, going off some experiences.

Edited October 23, 2013 by HorseLuck

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Plenty of people can believe it.

 

 

Why in gods name would I spend ridiculous amounts of time browsing this forum if I had a boyfriend? Wouldn't I be out and about doing things, if I had a boyfriend? Wouldn't I be f**king him rather than snuggling up with my cat and ipad at night to talk with strangers from all over the world?

 

 

It's sad, and its sometimes pathetic, but there's no reason not to believe it.

 

 

 

ROFL @ the implication that you felt it was we here who didn't/don't believe that you don't have a boyfriend.

 

I'm talking about the purely random, would-be guy you'd date, who spied you from across a store at the mall, or across a restaurant where you're having lunch... who talks himself out of approaching you in part for guessing that you likely get lots of offers and are paired-off with someone.

 

 

(I hope I don't need to add: How in the world would dating prospects from your real life know where you are spending so much of your evenings? )

[Lansing]

To the OP, what did your BF do differently than these guys in pursuing you? Did you "Freindzone" these guys or were you never interested in them from the start?

 

I have a bunch of female friends, in fact, most of my friends are female and I would prefer to meet more "guy" friends but I am not into the traditional "guy" stuff like sports/etc. I find when you get older it is harder to meet new people in general and meeting guys as a guy can come across as weird too.

 

To OP, maybe you should try making new female friends.

 

I would not be interested in sleeping with any of the girls that I am friends with (well, except one who I met recently... I am attracted to her more for her personality than her looks though and would be interested in a relationship).

 

I have dated a couple of girls in the past who were friends for 6 months to a year before hand but definitely no interest in the girls I am friends with now except for that one girl in particular. I wouldn't want to fall into the creepy category of the guys around you but I think it is up to the girl to really make it clear there is no interest.

 

There was one friend who got married last year and she was very much "flirty" during our friendship but I never had an interest to date her. I would kind of flirt back just for fun but I think we both knew that nothing would ever come out of it. Maybe your friends are flirting with you as a "pretend gf" type thing.

[TheGuard13]

I think OP is making a mountain out of a molehill. Guys interact with girls (even their friends) differently than they interact with, say, other guys.

 

Part of that is flirting. It's something that a lot of people, even friends, do. It doesn't mean they just want to sleep with her, or get with her, just that they enjoy her company, as a friend and as a woman.

[Dreamworld]

Hi,

 

Can anyone tell me how to let someone down nice and easy?

 

I'm a girl with more guy friends than girlfriends, in fact I only have like 2 close girlfriends but we don't talk much anymore since we're busy. Most of the times it's my guy friends, my bros, who will text me and such and ask me out just to hang out with them. I sometimes find it uneasy, and I would reject them or make up excuses because I don't feel like meeting them one on one, I'd rather go out in groups.

 

Even so, some of my best guy friends start to go to a stage where they flirt alot with me. I have completely stopped talking to them when they're like that, but after a while we went back to talking. I mean I know these guys for at least 3-5 years. I don't have that feeling where I can see us together any day. And even if we go on group outings they'll find a way to get extra close to me. Which I find very annoying. I haven't gone out with any one of them in months. My mom thinks I'm antisocial, but then again, my girlfriends are busy as well.

 

So how do I politely tell them to not bring it up? Or stop trying. I have been rejecting them, considering I have a boyfriend now. But they don't respect my space. We used to talk about everything but now I don't want to share anything with them, scared that they'll think I am willing to give a chance with them.

 

To top it off, my boyfriend's definitely not happy with the texts they send, all the more reason why I ignored them. But I feel bad, I mean these guys have helped me quite a bit over the years, during school and my past relationships. I just don't like them to have feelings for me, yet I don't want the friendship to end.

 

So any suggestions?

 

P.S I have tried hooking them up with some of my friends (not close girlfriends)... didn't work out :/

 

 

 

HELP.

 

I saw and replied to your post in the friendship section so just in case I'll repost it here too. Good luck and hope you made some leeway. Anyway here's my post.

 

This kind of post always reminds me of why they say girls are perfectly capable of maintaining platonic friendships with guys (no other motives, no leading on, but completely no attraction platonic friendships) but a whopping percentage of guys always have ulterior motives when they are good friends with a girl. I have a younger brother who says when guys are good friends with a girl, they always want something more. Always. Otherwise they'd hang out with other guys. I emphasize 'good friends' because I think the level of closeness has a lot to do with whether these friendships work. I am sure people will disagree but I have never ever been able to be close friends with the opposite sex without them wanting something more. The only guy friends that have remained platonic friendships are guys I knew from childhood or school. And we're not close at all, more like school acquiantances we meet as a group like once or twice a year max.

 

So I am kind of envious of girls who can pull of healthy close girl and guy friendships without any problems. (I keep bolding this to show that I think male and female friendships are possible, but to a certain extent)

 

But to answer your question, I don't think they are really your friends. And if they continue to make you uncomfortable you have to cut them loose. Plus it'll cause strain in the relationship with your boyfriend. Unless your bf is the jealous type there is a reason your friends bother him and this will continue to be a thorn in his side and that is not good for the relationship. Good luck!