Almost 5 months since BU and ex wants me back. WARNING

[melell]

He called my home all day yesterday, and half of today, left a lot of messages. I ignored, he came to my house today, he said sorry for everything, put all responsibility on himself. Begged. Said all of the right things.

 

For me this is like deciding to drive intoxicated (not that I do that) but in the sense that emotions (alcohol) override logic, you do what you want in that instant, with little though, and it is very easy to be tempted, but you need to somehow resist

 

I had to fight every single part of me to say no and turn him away.

 

We were together 8 years. I spent at least 3 months in utter misery following the breakup- he was out drinking/drugging, and not caring a whole lot. I have just started to feel free of him the last two months and have had no desire to make contact anymore.

 

The reality is our relationship was horrible for me, it made me absolutely miserable. I was so close to losing sight of that tonight.

 

If he did this a month ago I would have been ecstatic.

 

For everyone who has an ex come back, think really really carefully about whether you would actually be happy to be back with that person. I was very close to letting it happen, but something in me new it was wrong.

 

Emotions are insane, they have so much power over us, and can really be misleading. I want to be happy in my life, and if I followed my emotions I would have just committed myself to a lot of misery.

 

This has made me feel absolutely horrible, I hope it doesn't last long.

[h0000]

please allow me to ask you some questions:

why did you break up?

remembered he called you before. what happened with that? did he not try to get you back when he first contacted you?

did he always come back or is it the first time?

do you know why he comes back and if he had seen anyone else during the 5 months?

[melell]

We broke up because he started to drink/drug heavily, and I believe he wanted to live it up and party, and see what else is out there. We had been together since we were 18. Now 26.

 

He left me.

 

The phone call you mentioned, no, he did not ask me back. Just said he missed me and thought of me a lot, and asked me to dinner. Neither of us made contact follow that call.

 

We 'broke up' once after 3 years together, not really a break up, we still lived together, he just went out a lot. This lasted 3 weeks.

 

I don't know if he was with anyone else, and would rather not know- it really wouldn't effect my decision if he has or hadn't.

 

I am not sure why he came back. He is an impulsive person, very moody, and changes his mind often. It could be any number of reasons. I really don't care to figure it out. Trying to do that does no favors. The whole thing has been hard enough, I felt like I lost a limb, going over the possibilities just makes it harder.

[melell]

8 years together 5months since Bu.

 

Four days ago mail arrived for me ex, and I opened it (I know I know), and I felt absolutely sad for the rest of the day, missed him so so much.

 

Since then he has come back, went to all those lengths people are meant to go to when they return. -details in second chances

 

I said no, and I am sure of myself. I wouldn't be happy with him.

 

SO how does this work. Memories of him make me crumble sometimes, yet I don't want the relationship back. This is horrible.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

8 years together 5months since Bu.

 

Four days ago mail arrived for me ex, and I opened it (I know I know), and I felt absolutely sad for the rest of the day, missed him so so much.

 

Since then he has come back, went to all those lengths people are meant to go to when they return. -details in second chances

 

I said no, and I am sure of myself. I wouldn't be happy with him.

 

SO how does this work. Memories of him make me crumble sometimes, yet I don't want the relationship back. This is horrible.

 

Well it sounds like you do not want him back in your life. The memories will always be there no matter if you want them there or not. Your goal is to not have them hinder your life currently.

 

I read all your stuff in the second chances thread. It seems MAYBE your ex wants you in his life, but he didnt ever say he wants you back in any of that. Either way, it doesnt sound like you wanted it back anyways so I guess its a moot point anyways.

 

Just keep moving forward and those memories wont be so strong in the mind.

[melell]

He called my house all day yesterday and today, left a lot of messages, I ignored. Then he showed up tonight, begged, pleaded, took all blame and said he would do whatever it takes. He was in bits.

 

It wasn't the phone call thread from a few weeks ago.

 

I though once I didn't want him I wouldn't feel like this. It really blows.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

He called my house all day yesterday and today, left a lot of messages, I ignored. Then he showed up tonight, begged, pleaded, took all blame and said he would do whatever it takes. He was in bits.

 

It wasn't the phone call thread from a few weeks ago.

 

I though once I didn't want him I wouldn't feel like this. It really blows.

 

Honestly, I dont really see what the problem is. Other than the fact you are worried it wont be the same. Seems like you either get back with him or you don't. I mean....I dont know what else to advise you on.

[melell]

Honestly, I dont really see what the problem is. Other than the fact you are worried it wont be the same. Seems like you either get back with him or you don't. I mean....I dont know what else to advise you on.

 

It isn't about getting back with him or not. I am just trying to understand how I can be at a place where I don't want him, but still feel so sad it is over.

I am not getting back with him regardless.

[Mz_sassy_77]

It isn't about getting back with him or not. I am just trying to understand how I can be at a place where I don't want him, but still feel so sad it is over.

I am not getting back with him regardless.

 

I think I know how you feel. I'm sad about my BU. He hasnt asked me back but I know that I would never take him back even if he did. Still sad about it though. Deep down you know that its over, its the end of something, so thats sad. That's normal I think. You were once in love with this person so how can you not be sad. That you dont know him back doesnt mean you dont care.

[h0000]

I guess just be happy he misses you?

Now I fear my ex is gonna go back to his ex..who he has known since high school and dated on and off for 4 years, who put up with everything he did including him seeing two women at the same time just to keep him, who never stops contacting him,liking his facebook activities and posting on his wall..

Edited October 16, 2013 by h0000

[Solcita2]

WOW OP... I admire you, I really do.

 

**Claps**

[Nancy87]

for this reason i put my exs both email ids on the block list over my Hotmail!

 

Bliss!

[LifeGoesOnMan]

I totally understand where you are coming from! & I commend you for being strong and realizing its no good for you! especially when he came crawling back, props to you lady!

[ScienceGal]

You are seeing thigs very clearly and rationally. Good for you!

 

A good friend of mine was with a man for 8-9 years and he also got into drugs. It was a relapse for him, and she had told him she would leave if that ever happnened. And, she did leave. He begged, but she stood her ground. She cried, and she was hurt, but she knew she had no hope for a good future with this man. She loved and respected herself. Today, she is happily married to a wonderful man and has two children. I've always admired her for her strength and self-love.

 

Stay strong! I am so proud of you!

[Chi townD]

Then you need to be as straight forward as you possibly can and tell him that getting back with you isn't going to happen. That it's over and he needs to move on. Be blunt because any little thing you say could give him false hope. Then, back to NC.

 

I speculate that you're not sad because of him, but sad about what COULD have been. And you realize that, that's gone now.

[Mariposa10]

Did you know if he's gotten help? So could you say that NC helped you "get over him?"

[Stealth3]

He broke up with you right?

 

I heard they tend to come back once their life is ****ty or they can't find anyone better.

Did you try to beg and plead at the beginning, or just went straight NC?

 

We need to hear details lol, most people on here are hoping their ex will come back for one reason or another, sometime and somewhere.

[Justletgo]

Mellel, you have a good strong character. Courageous

 

And good use of symbolism there with the alcohol/intoxication explanation.

 

Your right, if they do come back. It's the world upside down, you begin doubting if it'd be the right thing to do.

That's a personal choice to make.

 

Personally, but I am pretty young and inexperienced. I think that if my ex were to keep proving herself to me over weeks/months. I could be convinced into getting back with her.

But I completely understand it if you don't even want to take that risk.

 

It's just how you view life, which will be the deciding factor I guess.

 

Anyway good luck and thanks for posting.

[MoooOinkBaaa]

Wow same thing for me. My ex girlfriend dumped me, she was partying and drinking too. We were together 8 years too, we met at age 18 too and are 26.

 

Only difference is if she asks for me back in four months time I would be over the moon. How much did you love him?

[Simon Phoenix]

This is what happens when you do No Contact correctly. I'm proud of you for making a rational decision, no matter what decision you made. Where you are should be the goal of all dumpees.

[melell]

Thanks everyone. And yes, nc helped tremendously, that and time.

 

I loved this guy very very much, I mean I couldn't bring myself to leave him at all. He was the one that walked away. I really should have left him long before I did.

 

Again, thank you all for the support.

[melell]

for this reason i put my exs both email ids on the block list over my Hotmail!

 

Bliss!

 

I seriously did exactly the same! Doesn't stop them coming to your house, or finding out your number. If they really want to they find a way.

[amandalost]

I have had the same thing happen to me where my ex wants me back after almost 4 months. We were married for 5 years and together for 7 years. He originally left me as he thought the grass was greener and when that didn't work out he started another relationship 2 weeks after we split even though he had already been cheating on me for 3 months prior to that. I only found out recently he was having sex with the woman he left me for, he initally led me to believe it was flirting over facebook He had been in his new relationship 3 months which was 2 weeks after we split. They had matching tattoos with each others name and were declaring there undying love for each other all over facebook then he decides he wants me back once he realised this woman doesn't compare to me. The last few days have been really hard. I would like nothing more than to take him back but I don't fully believe what he says as he has lied to me so much, if I believed him then I could give him another chance but I have a little voice saying no no no. I am in so much pain as I would love to turn the clock back but can't forgive him for all his actions. Since last night I have not heard from him and it makes me think if he did really want me back he wouldn't leave me alone. It is easier for me when I don't hear from him but it is so hard as well to move on when you thought you had the perfect relationship

[melell]

He broke up with you right?

 

I heard they tend to come back once their life is ****ty or they can't find anyone better.

Did you try to beg and plead at the beginning, or just went straight NC?

 

We need to hear details lol, most people on here are hoping their ex will come back for one reason or another, sometime and somewhere.

 

 

Hey stealth. Yep he broke up with me. I didn't beg or plead at all, I went cold and acted like it was for the best (my personality to blame for that one). One thing I did was say 'do you think we will ever be together again?' But said it in a pretty philosophical manner, rather than a wanting to know way.

 

I didn't go NC until 2 weeks in, and for the overall He text me maybe 5 times- so once a month, and I responded twice.

 

My thoughts are his life was ***ty from the get go, perhaps he could find someone better, but it would take 8 years for them to get to where we were. I am not sure on that one, I never asked details about his life.

 

I think the problem with going back is they come back for themselves, not for us. It is not about being in love, it is them going out and weighing things up and realizing the dumpee was the better deal.

All good for awhile, until an even better deal presents itself and they go chasing that.

There is a big chance of that being the case at least.

[melell]

I think it is really important to be able to determine if they are back because they are in love with you, or they are back because things didn't work out for them the way they wanted it to.

 

If they came back because they realized things were better with you, then chances are when another opportunity arises they will leave again.

If they came back because they were in love with you, perhaps there is a chance.

 

My opinion is that it is really hard to figure this one out. The best way to do it is to look at the actions during and after the breakup. Leaving for another person is not the actions of someone in love with you.

 

Ultimately, if you can't work out the reasons then cut your losses and forget them, it's not the type of risk you should take, especially when you know they have done it once before.