Can anyone ever truly forgive?

[hopefulinMA]

I recently did the hardest thing I ever had to do: I admitted to my girlfriend that I had cheated on her several times over the course of our 3 1/2 year relationship.

 

Not that I deserve a medal, but I did so under my own free will, with no one threaten to 'turn me in'. I had just decided that I had matured and was ready for a commitment, and I wanted to make a life long commitment to her, but I couldn't ask her without first telling her the truth and I wanted to tell her long before I actually asked her to marry me to make sure that she can ever forgive me.

 

Currently we are taking some time from each other - read: she can bear to see me right now. Understandably so, this was completely out of the blue and she didn't suspect that I had ever cheated on her. We are waiting until after the New Year before we speak again, and to see if she is willing to work on it.

 

The more I think about it though, I can't imagine how she could forgive me, and how we could share the happiness that made me want to marry her in the first place.

 

Truthfully, I would have been absolutely devastated if I were in her position - the innocent one. And admittedly, I would have a real tough time getting over it, so I guess its hard for me imagining her ever getting over it.

 

Although I am not sure in a month she would be interested, but if she did want to make an effort, I am unsure how to proceed. I want to give her as much leeway as possible, but I don't know what that means. I feel if I allow her to be very hurtful to me, we may never work through this. I would appreciate anyone's advice that has gone through this, especially those that have been cheated on.

 

I hope that I am not coming off as selfish, caring about my feelings in this, but truly I am afraid that she will want to work things out - but never truly be happy, and it scares me to death.

 

--hopefulINma

[reservoirdog1]

It's entirely possible that she doesn't want to be with you again. I'd put that outcome at an initial probability of 50%. But you probably already know that.

 

First of all, do you regret the fact that you cheated on her multiple times? If you could go back and undo it all, knowing what you know, would you? I ask because I got the sense from your second paragraph that you stopped not because you were ashamed of what you did, but because you decided you'd gotten your rocks off enough and NOW you were ready to commit. Please clarify.

 

Second, can you honestly say that you'll never cheat on her again? And please, none of the "who knows what may happen, temptation occurs, etc., etc." stuff. Cheating is a choice, and there may be explanations, but no excuses.

 

Thirdly, why did you do it? Was there something that you got from cheating that she wasn't providing? Was it just the thrill of the conquest, or the lure of forbidden fruit? What was lacking in the relationship that made you decide it was OK to do what you did, and how can you incorporate it into any future relationship with her?

 

In case you hadn't guessed, I'm writing this from the perspective of a husband who was brutally betrayed by his to-be-ex-wife. The marriage is ending because she decided that she didn't want to reconcile. However, I know that she also wants to be forgiven and still seeks absolution from me, more than a year after we split.

 

There's no sure thing in your situation. If you really want to be with her in a committed relationship and want her to forgive her, you will have to spend the next several years making it up to her. At the very least, that should include the following:

 

1) Break off all contact with the women you cheated with (and no, you can't keep them as friends -- they are now cancers on your relationship).

2) Make yourself accountable to her at all times.

3) Consider couples counselling.

4) NEVER try to justify what you did or make excuses for it -- take it like a man and accept total responsibility.

5) Answer all of her questions without hesitation, and allow her to let out her emotions.

6) DON'T tell her to "just get over it". She gets to recover on her schedule, not yours. All you can do is make it as easy for her to recover as possible.

 

And finally... if you do love her more than anything, and if she does forgive you and agrees to continue a relationship with you, you should consider yourself the luckiest son of a b*tch alive, to have a partner like that.

 

Believe me, she is in more pain now than you can possibly imagine. Working your ass off will make her more likely to forgive you in time.

[hopefulinMA]

I completely understand what you have said.

 

I hope this doesn't come off as an excuse, but I know why I cheated on her - it was the thrill of the conquest, the actual act never really meant anything, and I didn't get much satisfaction from it. It stems - and this is the reason, not an excuse, that I grew up as an over weight child. I never really got attention from girls and I wasn't ready to handle it when I finally lost my weight. I KNOW this is no reason to do it, and many people are probably reading this and have some very negative feelings towards me, but I know that, understand it and realize that its completely founded. But this was the reason, that I felt like I had some score to settle with myself and women in general.

 

I told her because I wanted to marry her, and knew that I couldn't ask her if I had this secret. And I thought about it a long time before I decided that she was the one - meaning why I cheated etc, and I only came to that conclusion after I had matured to the point where I could finally say no. And it wasn't one day I realized all of this, I took a lot of time to think through this, because I knew that if I wasn't interested in marrying her, the best thing to do would be to just break off the relationship and spare her the pain. The best thing would have been to break off the relationship until after I matured, I know this and if I could change the way I handled it, I would.

 

If I could take it all back, undo each incident, I would without hesitation. I do not keep in touch with any of the women. I know that I am ready to commit, otherwise I know that I wouldn't have told her. I know deep down in my heart that I love her more than anything - and I know this contradicts everything that I have done in the past, but I feel that I have changed a lot in the last 3 months. I have admitted a lot of things to myself that are very negative, and I am ready to work on them. This involves things in and outside our relationship.

 

Finally, I know that I am asking for something few people ever get - a second chance. And I am asking as someone who doesn't deserve one.

[EC]

WOW ! I can understand where you are coming from and well you can't really know what she's thinking.

 

I hope she loves you more than anything because thats the only thing that can save you.

 

Right now she's hurt and in shock. Right now the "purity" from you relationship is gone.. The innocence is gone and you can't ever, ever ever ever get that back.

 

Now you have to realize that if she does give you a second chance, that things aren't going to be as wonderful as they were. They will get better but it will never be 100% great again. You also have to understand that the trust is gone. If she returns to you she will constantly be doubting and testing you. You have to be ready for that and willing to work through that.

 

I also suggest couples counseling and I give you Koodos on the fact you told her! but its still doesn't excuse what you did.

[Bubbles]

You idiot!

 

I don't care if I get lashed for being mean but.......Holy Crap!!!

 

If I was your g/friend I would probably spit on you tell you where to go and NEVER look back!

 

What in the world are you thinking? You proved yourself to be "untrustable" and have just set

yourself up for YEARS of questioning and un-trust if she EVER comes back and if she does you had

better get on your knees and kiss her feet!

 

I'm soooo angry at your post !!! I am sure you understand why.

 

What did you expect to gain from admitting this? You have just thrown HER into the most emotionally destructive state of mind!!!!

and just before Christmas too.........what were you thinking? You have not only broken her heart into a million pieces but you chose to do it at Christmasw.......you dumba$$!

 

Tell me..........do YOU feel better now?

 

bubbles

[hopefulinMA]

Well I dont think any one has any reason for being mad at you for your post. Believe me I know that Christmas is not the time of year as I was dumped on Christmas eve before.

 

It was the worst thing I have ever done to a person and I am willing to take all criticisms.

[bluetuesday]

i was cheated on by the only real love of my life.

 

the hurt was breathtaking and you'll be lucky if your girlfriend ever sees in you in the same way again.

 

BUT......you do sound sincere now. you're sorry, you wouldn't do it again given the chance again and there's a lot to be said for growing up and admitting responsibility. *sigh* you clown. what are you like?

 

i don't believe 'once a cheater, always a cheater' either. people do change. relationships survive infidelity, and worse. and i'm a big believer in second chances. i hope you get one, hopeful. cherish it, if you do.

 

and if you f*ck this up again i hope, as a parting gift, this woman takes two rough brick ends and castrates you with them.

[young&idealistic]

You left some really important details out of your post. You said you dated her for 3 and a half years, and you cheated on her several times. This information is kind of ambiguous. If, during that 3 and a half years, your cheating occured during the first week of knowing her, that is much more forgivable than if your cheating occured during the last month of your dating.

 

At any rate, I'm going to try to help you out, because you sound like you really love this girl, and I don't think your screw ups happened during week 1, meaning you need some help from a woman. So if you really want to get her back, here is how to do it...

 

You need to kiss her a$$ big time. I know she might be telling you she needs her space, but that is just a test. She needs to know you care, otherwise your time apart is just a way for all of her friends to convince her you're not good enough for her. If you really want her back, you need to prove you love her and will do anything for her. Romance her like the movies. Send her flowers at work every day. Leave notes on her car telling her how beautiful and wonderful she is. Send her a bottle of her favorite perfume to arrive on her doorstep Christmas morning. Send an invitation to her to join you for a romantic bed and breakfast get-away. Write her a letter telling her every single thing you can think of that makes her your dream woman.

 

And, when you get time with her, tell her you screwed up so bad that you know you don't deserve her. But that you can't imagine your life without her and you will live the rest of your life trying to make it up to her. And then you might have a chance. Just be willing to be humble.

[hopefulinMA]

First, as I am being honest with her, I will be honest with you. It was several times throughout our relationship. Sure as I truly grew to love her, it stopped, but I know thats no excuse. The last being this year. I realize that many people reading this probably don't believe I am ready since it wasn't just in the beginning, but I am being honest, most of all with myself, and I know that I am ready.

 

The guilt that I felt caused a lot of problems. But the guilt isn't the reason I told her, it was because I am committed to making a life together with her and she needed to know the truth now, so if she cant forgive me, she can move on and find a person she can feel the way she did feel about me.

 

I am talking to a lot of people about this - friends, family etc. And so many people have told me to continue to show her how much I love her by doing the very things you said, letters, etc. I can think of a hundred things I would want to do to show her my love. I have written a poem, an ongoing letter...

 

But I feel that she has asked so much of me that I didn't give her. Now she has asked me for space, and right now that is the only thing I can give her.

 

--hopefulinMA

[hopefulinMA]

bluetuesday,

 

Your words are comforting, though I don't deserve it, I know. But I thank you for the hope that your post has given me, that perhaps I can be extremely fortunate and get a second chance.

 

I knew that it would be hard for her to forgive me, and that ultimately she probably wouldn't forgive me, but I felt that I had wasted the last 3 1/2 years of her life and she needed to know so she can decide whether its worth working through this or to move on.

 

I am certain that I will never cheat again - not just if we get back together - but at all in the future.

 

If I can give one piece of advice to anyone, it would be that cheating will never be worth it. If you have cheated, the one thing I have learned over the last few days is:

 

To be human is to make a mistake; but to love someone is to admit that mistake and take the consequences, knowing that in the end that you may not get what you want; but love isn't about what you want, its about what you give someone, and what you deserve in return.

 

--hopefulinMA

[Devildog]

I'm inclined to disagree with young&idealistic. Give her some space right now. She is mad at you and rightfully so. If you keep being in her face and won't leave her alone she isn't going to have time to get past the anger and remember the good things about you.

 

Send her flowers at work, that isn't a bad thing. Just a simple card saying "thinking of you". But give her space from you and any other contact.

[outintheblue]

I think I'm in the same situation your girlfriend is. After 3 and a half years my boyfriend cheated on me with someone he works with. It completely turned my life upside down. I moved out of my house, left my cats, my bed, my fiance...The one time in my life that I was completely broken, I was completely alone. I moved back in after about two weeks. Things seemed to get better. We spent one night talking about it. I had a little notebook with all the questions that were going through my mind for those two weeks, I sat and asked them, and he sat and answered. He was upset, I was upset, but we just let everything out. I told him I wanted to talk about it that night only and then neither one of us should ever mention her name or the affair again. Easier said than done. We are back together now of course. Do I think about him cheating on me in the past? Of course, still to this day. He cheated back in August and now it is December. I don't think of it like I use to. I just wish when we tried to mend things, that he would take into affect that my heart was completely broken. He seemed to think that my grieving process for broken promises and lost trust only lasted about a week and a half. I think we grow closer to where we were everyday, but it is still like starting over. He had never cheated on any of his girlfriends before me, he was actually the one that that had been cheated on in the past.

My trust for him grows, but I still need reinforcement. I want to make sure that I didn't just waste 3 and a half years of my life either. Is it true once a cheater, always a cheater?

Just when I think it's off my mind, he thinks I'm thinking about it. It's really odd. So, I know that he still thinks about it too.

I think it really depends on how much two people love each other. I was really in love with him, and decided to give it a second try. I can honestly say, that if somehting like that ever happens again...I wouldn't think twice about putting me and my feelings furst and get the **** out of this relationship. (Didn't mean to be so harsh...just trying to illustrate a point).

Ta-dah.

[hopefulinMA]

I don't think you are being harsh at all - it was bad enough that it happened in the past - so for it to happen again... I wouldn't want to imagine that.

 

Personally, I have done a lot of growth leading up to when I told her, and I have grown more since. I realized that I needed to correct the wrongs that were in my life and correct them so that this will never happen again.

 

Through therapy I am learning the different people cheat for different reasons, and its often more dynamic than one might think. I am exploring why I did so that I will never do it again, to anyone.

 

It has been about a week since I have heard from her last and I am doing as I promised in my previous posts - I am giving her space which means no contact, no flowers etc. I know that if we did try to work things out we would have the same issues that you have in your relationship and that it will take a lot of understanding on my part. There will be good days and there will be bad, but I am committed to her and our relationship, and therefore I have to give her complete understanding and my utmost patience.

 

We have left it as she may or may not contact me next month, to let me know where she is in her thinking, which I completely agree with. She needs some time and space to allow her to get through the anger she feels and decide whether this is something that she want to work with or not. Moreover, I need some space to get my house in order and grow in to the person she thought I was.

 

I wish you all the best in your relationship and I admire your courage in working it out.

 

--hopefulinMA

[heartburn]

Just because someone forgive does not mean they forget. Trust has been broken. It is up to you to rebuild that trust by your actions. Your words are not going to mean a damn thing.

[hopefulinMA]

Sorry, sometimes I feel I could go on and on and I try to keep it brief and leave points out.

 

I know that to forgive is not to forget. As I have said to her in the conversations before this time and space period, I only have words now, but the actions are what will prove that I am being honest. I just hope I get the chance to show her I have changed and will forever regret what I did and the hurt I caused.

[sweetpea01]

Hopeful, your words remind me a lot of my own situation. I wont get into the details, but I found out that my bf had cheated on me after a year. He was out of the country, and decided to get crazy while I stayed in CA, and he was international. When he got back, I just asked him if he was faithful b/c something in my gut told me that something wasn't right, and to this day he still asks me how I knew. Anyway, you reminded me of this b/c my bf's rationale was similar to yours. He immigrated here at age 11 or 12, was slightly overweight, and had a (Russian) accent. He said the kids at school would tease him, he never dressed right, and girls never liked him. I guess he blossomed in college (b/c he was beautiful when I met him), and when he found himself in Europe, and women gave him the time of day, the desire for the attention and feeling needed overcame him. Now, it was a load of bullsh** to me, and I went off on him, told him he was stupid, and a piece of trash, and that he was useless...blah blah blah...has no respect for himself or me....you get the picture. BUT, he was very persistent. He insisted that he changed...that he learned, and he realized things, and that he grew into his skin. I think I was the MOST mad b/c he didnt tell me, and by hiding it, he wasn't letting me move on. I thought it was terribly selfish to let me be faithful for those 3 months he was away, b/c he was too cowardly to let me go, yet too uncommitted to fully maintain the relationship. So, I imagine that she is feeling similarly...and how could YOU get your kicks on the side while she was passing off every opportunity on account of you. And I'm sure she's wondering HOW you were bedding another woman, while she was at home putting on makeup for you, or shopping for your gift, or cooking you dinner. And, these are the things that willl haunt her, b/c these are the things that haunted me. I thought, when I was buying him that card, he was making out with somene else. When I was missing him in bed alone, he was in bed...but not alone. I'm telling, you...the scenarios that will play in her head are endless. In fact, what she imagines is probably worse than the truth. My bf did eventually win me back, and I am amazed that he did...but it has been HARD HARD work. You better be the most patient man alive if you truly want this to work. I would suggest that you give her all the time she needs, and waits til she is ready to speak with you. In the beginning, I spoke with him only when I wanted, and hung up on him at any point that I got mad. I cried a lot, I yelled alot, and he listened to every word of it...let me call him every name in the book...would drive home at night if i kicked him out even at 4 AM, and never yelled at me once, or told me to get over it. He would only reach over and hold me, and cry with me about hurting me and us. He took responsibilty, which is important, and told me all the reasons why he was wrong, and why he wont ever cheat again. Now, I imagine she is FAR MORE mad b/c you did it for 3 yrs...and so, you have a lot of work to do. Honestly, I forgave 3 months...but 3 yrs would be next to impossible. How is she not supposed to feel the whole relationship has been a lie? Anyway, we had our bad times...and we had the period of time where I REFUSED to committ...wehere I could still date, but he wouldnt date anyone else. So, he waited, and let me get everything out...and I went out, had a blast...and slowly...very slowly....I calmed down a bit. Invested a little bit in him, then some more, and now, almost 2 yrs later...we're at a good spot. Things are not perfect. We still fight...and a lot of the innocence IS gone. But, you want to get to that point where she looks at you, and almost sees the guy she once saw...because I assure you that what you see when you look in the mirror, and what she sees when she looks at your face are different. She sees a monster. I can't emphasize the patience part enough. Be prepared for her to doubt your every move...and dont get frustrated...b/c you brought it upon yourself. I sympathize withyou b/c I know the pain of working it out...but as someone who has been cheated on...the pain that she is feeling is far greater than the agony you're going through. So remember that.

 

Best of Luck.