Marriage ending after only 2 months!!

[M4Rob1987]

Hey everyone,

 

So im new to this forum but have been a long time reader of some of the posts over the years but alas, finally my turn has come to gain some of the insight and help from you lot out there.

 

My wife and I had been together as boy/girlfriend for just over a year when we decided to get married. A lot of people will assume that thats just too early to get to know someone 100% etc etc, but I am a firm believer in when you know, you know. And we both knew that we wanted to get married.

 

To sum it up, we got married two months ago and I made some mistakes (I didn't cheat on her) very early on into the marriage which my wife now believes that she can't get over and so wants to separate.

 

I find myself in the strange position when I know that we shouldn't be together, but every single part of me doesn't want it to end. I firmly believe that it can be fixed, but all she keeps saying is that she's lost all the trust and respect for me and that it can't be fixed.

 

Im not asking anyone's opinion of how it can be fixed, but im really struggling to deal with taking her off the pedestal. The other thing im struggling with is that we really did have a perfect relationship and a perfect marriage, but i've now lost all of that because of my actions. It's not like there was a big wedge of unhappiness between the two of us, as we both were extremely happy, but I can't deal with the fact that it's me thats ended it all. It's all my fault. The guilt I feel is just overwhelming and I don't really know what to do with myself.

 

If anyone has any good suggestions, please please do let me know.

 

Thank you.

 

Rob

[pinkie]

Without knowing what happened.... the best advice you're probably going to get is to just move on from it. Learn, let go. If what happened is unforgivable in her eyes... There's really nothing else to do. You can't force someone to be with you... Apparently the relationship wasn't "perfect" afterall.

[thompkevin]

Look at it this way. Whatever you did, is going to become big wedge of unhappiness between the two of you over time. It's better to end it now when you two still have respect and admiration for each other than to reach a point where you just can't bear living with each other.

[Criticality]

What did you do? Anything scandalous?!?

[GorillaTheater]

You may as well spill it, Rob. However bad it is, chances are that we've seen worse. Hell, I've admitted to some pretty ugly sh*t here from time to time myself. And it's going to be hard to help without you putting it on the table.

[RDawg]

Hey Rob. Bad luck man. You didn't hit her did you?

[UpwardForward]

Do not go on any cruises or near any cliffs, together.

[M4Rob1987]

All I want to say is that it was to do with voyeurism of other women. I can't bring myself to go into any more detail than that at the moment.

 

I just don't know how to go about my daily life without her I literally can't stop crying. Everything I see reminds me of her and the mess of the relationship that i've made. I can't deal with knowing that it would all be ok if I hadn't of ****ed it all up.

[KathyM]

Without knowing what happened, we really can't give any advice or suggestions.

[UpwardForward]

Seriously though, infidelity is supposed to be the only reason for divorce.

 

If you have apologized to her from your heart and assured her your mistake(s) wouldn't happen again, then imo the ball is in her court and to forgive you.

 

So all I could say is, do what she wishes while you're going through this bad period.

[GorillaTheater]

All I want to say is that it was to do with voyeurism of other women. I can't bring myself to go into any more detail than that at the moment.

 

I just don't know how to go about my daily life without her I literally can't stop crying. Everything I see reminds me of her and the mess of the relationship that i've made. I can't deal with knowing that it would all be ok if I hadn't of ****ed it all up.

 

Got it. I can see where that would be a huge problem for your wife. I'm an old f*cker, so of course I have a story about this:

 

I dealt with a situation a few years ago where a college professor with a very sweet gig was caught trying to get upskirt videos of one of his students without her knowledge. She caught him, and his world came crashing down. He lost his job, of course, wasn't hirable at any decent job, and his wife divorced him after providing information that a couple of years earlier he had drilled through the wall separating the bathroom from a closet so he could spy on her and her friends. She gave him a second chance, but not a third.

 

This sh*t is serious, and as you've found, it will seriously f*ck up your life. You HAVE to get a handle on it.

 

Your best bet at this point is to give your wife space and get into individual counseling ASAP. Show her you're dealing with your issues, don't tell her you are. If that includes getting rid of the internet (depending on what you did, exactly) then do it.

[M4Rob1987]

Got it. I can see where that would be a huge problem for your wife. I'm an old f*cker, so of course I have a story about this:

 

I dealt with a situation a few years ago where a college professor with a very sweet gig was caught trying to get upskirt videos of one of his students without her knowledge. She caught him, and his world came crashing down. He lost his job, of course, wasn't hirable at any decent job, and his wife divorced him after providing information that a couple of years earlier he had drilled through the wall separating the bathroom from a closet so he could spy on her and her friends. She gave him a second chance, but not a third.

 

This sh*t is serious, and as you've found, it will seriously f*ck up your life. You HAVE to get a handle on it.

 

Your best bet at this point is to give your wife space and get into individual counseling ASAP. Show her you're dealing with your issues, don't tell her you are. If that includes getting rid of the internet (depending on what you did, exactly) then do it.

 

Yep that pretty much sums up my situation. I've lost my job too so don't have that to fill my time with either. Although am looking for a new one as we speak. Im going to give her her space, although we're currently living together and she's already gone around the house choosing what she wants in her new house. She says that she can't be with me and can't see it working in the future, although the other day she did say that if I could get the trust and respect of her family again then she would possibly considering starting from scratch again in a few months once we've both separated etc and are living in separate houses etc. However then the next day she turned around and said that she didn't really mean that and she was sorry for giving me false hope. I know she still cares about me and apparently she doesn't want to lose me entirely out of her life and still wants to be friends, but I don't know if I'll ever move on being friends. Ill always be on the back foot wanting to get her back and she'll never let me. I don't know what to do, apart from give her space.

[GorillaTheater]

There's alot your wife is sorting through right now, so naturally she's going to be yo-yoing back and forth on what the hell to do as she's processing this new and utterly astounding information. All you can do is be patient and understanding of wherever she's coming from at whatever moment.

 

I'd say you have a slim chance here, IF you do everything you need to do to demonstrate that you understand how serious this is, what a breach of trust you've committed, and are doing everything possible to get yourself straightened out.

[M4Rob1987]

There's alot your wife is sorting through right now, so naturally she's going to be yo-yoing back and forth on what the hell to do as she's processing this new and utterly astounding information. All you can do is be patient and understanding of wherever she's coming from at whatever moment.

 

I'd say you have a slim chance here, IF you do everything you need to do to demonstrate that you understand how serious this is, what a breach of trust you've committed, and are doing everything possible to get yourself straightened out.

 

I think the hardest part for me is that i've never dealt well at all with being alone. All of my friends apart from one or two are all down in London where as I live in the countryside in the middle of no where. So really I have no one to talk to face-to-face about this kind of stuff. I've always worn my heart on my sleeve whereas my partner is very very good at keeping her emotions close to herself. It doesn't help that all of her ex's treated her like **** and she's had two father figures come and go out of her life in her lifetime and so her 'trust' for the male figure was already somewhat dented.

 

Im already doing counselling and I think i'd be ok if she were to turn around and say, "look im hurt by this and it's going to take time, but I just need some space for now", but all I get is a point blank no, and there's no hope. I can't believe that she's made her mind up this quickly. Part of me wants to believe that she's very very angry and confused right now so doesn't really know what to say, but another part of me thinks that she's been so overwhelmingly hurt that she doesn't want to open herself up to more hurt and so will just not let me back in what so ever.

 

I guess as you said, all I can do is give her space for now. I just wish I had kept part of my own life separate so when we split I had something which was my own, but we were so intertwined that I don't know what to do with myself day to day.

[UpwardForward]

Yep that pretty much sums up my situation. I've lost my job too so don't have that to fill my time with either. Although am looking for a new one as we speak. Im going to give her her space, although we're currently living together and she's already gone around the house choosing what she wants in her new house. She says that she can't be with me and can't see it working in the future, although the other day she did say that if I could get the trust and respect of her family again then she would possibly considering starting from scratch again in a few months once we've both separated etc and are living in separate houses etc. However then the next day she turned around and said that she didn't really mean that and she was sorry for giving me false hope. I know she still cares about me and apparently she doesn't want to lose me entirely out of her life and still wants to be friends, but I don't know if I'll ever move on being friends. Ill always be on the back foot wanting to get her back and she'll never let me. I don't know what to do, apart from give her space.

 

It appears she just wants out, and is using the 'separation' to do it. You're right in wanting to keep the doors open to her and your M, but don't expect too much. Just work on your life.

[Criticality]

"It has to do with voyeurism" eh? I think I get ya!

 

I visited a voyeur sites a few years ago, and I gotta say, it's one of those kinks, like a foot fetich or cross dressing that I really don't get. People were spending hours on getting grainy photos or videos that weren't really sexy on that site.

 

I think the best thing you can do, is to tell your wife or educate her a little on the fact that voyeurism isn't really about the woman you're eh, watching. It's not like you're coveting HER. If she came and offered you sex, you'd likely turn her down. What voyeurism is about, is the act itself.

 

Maybe you could offer her to go to therapy for it. Or maybe voyeurism/exhibitionism is something you can explore together...

[GorillaTheater]

With all due respect, Crit, I think the worst thing Rob could do right now is to defend voyeurism or try to cast any kind of positive light on it. Everybody's entitled to their kinks (within some semblance of reason), but this one cost him his job and quite possibly his marriage. Doing what you suggest will likely be the final nail in that particular coffin.

[SoleMate]

I agree with the gorilla, the last thing for Rob to do is to defend or minimize voyeurism. It is a crime and it is destructive to relationships. (Rob didn't specifically say he lost his job due to his voyeurism, but certainly if he tried it at work, or got arrested anywhere, his job and future prospects would be toast.)

 

Rob, my best advice for you is to make a decision to do whatever it takes to stop the voyeurism. This will require a major personal commitment and probably therapy. If you can't afford real therapy, take out a loan. If you can't do that, find low-cost or no-cost alternatives like self-help books, 12-step groups etc. It starts with your choice and your honesty. Coming to LS for some tough love was a good first step.

 

You don't want to hear this, but it is useless to try to win your wife back at this point. The only hope you have - and in the spirit of honesty, I need to tell you not to wish or hope for it due to low likelihood - is acknowledging, owning, addressing, and managing your urges so you never commit voyeurism again. Perhaps she'll see your efforts and consider them adequate. But a big part of your healing is accepting and owning that your voyeurism probably cost you this happy marriage. I'm very sorry.

 

Take a step NOW to own and address your urges. Good luck!

[Criticality]

Well not defend it, but the wife probably sees this in the light of "He's looking and lusting after other women, I'm not enough for him etc."

 

And that's not really the case here.

 

He's not doing something outside of the marriage,my hats only meant to be done inside the marriage. It's a different category.

 

OPs "cheating" is more like the some guy stealing the panties or women's shoes at the local gym (ew!) rather than having sex with the secretary.

[GorillaTheater]

(Rob didn't specifically say he lost his job due to his voyeurism, but certainly if he tried it at work, or got arrested anywhere, his job and future prospects would be toast.)

 

Good eye. I very much had my college professor on my mind when I typed that, so was projecting a little.

[ConstantVoyager]

Well not defend it, but the wife probably sees this in the light of "He's looking and lusting after other women, I'm not enough for him etc."

 

And that's not really the case here.

 

He's not doing something outside of the marriage,my hats only meant to be done inside the marriage. It's a different category.

 

OPs "cheating" is more like the some guy stealing the panties or women's shoes at the local gym (ew!) rather than having sex with the secretary.

 

He's doing something that's not meant to be done inside or outside of marriage.

 

I have a very very open mind when it comes to sex and what people decide to do and what couples decide is right for them, but my mind clamps shut when it comes to involving unwilling participants in your activities.

 

I don't think I'd ever be able to forgive a spouse for this. It wouldn't be about breaking my trust or our sexual bonds or my jealousy of another woman. It would be about him violating another woman (or man).

 

It's a sex crime.

Edited October 16, 2013 by ConstantVoyager

[littlejaz]

Rob, I think your only chance at saving your marriage is if she feels that you understand exactly how she feels and that you get exactly what you did to her. You have to get her to talk to you about how it made her feel without you telling her that she shouldn't feel that way. What I mean is if she says something like, now I feel that I am not pretty enough for you or my boobs aren't big enough or whatever, you can't say, no you shouldn't feel that way because I don't think that. At this point she doesn't care what you think or feel about it. About all you can say is I am sorry I made you feel like that and I will do everything I can to never make you feel that way again. You also have to be willing to be scrutinized by her for however long it takes her to trust you again. You have to let her read your emails, give her access to all your passwords, only get online when she is there to watch, etc. whatever she thinks is necessary and you have to be willing to do it for as long as she needs. It doesn't matter if you think it has been long enough - it must be up to her.

 

Of course, if she feels that you violated another woman without her knowledge then you may be doomed.

 

And I get that you are fighting an uphill battle because of her previous trust issues. You may have to accept that she will never trust you again. I am sorry that you are going through this because it sounds like you are sincerely sorry for your actions, the question is are you sorry because of what it cost you or do you truly understand why what you did was so hurtful to her. Good luck.

[littlejaz]

Sorry, posted it twice.

[lollipopspot]

Well not defend it, but the wife probably sees this in the light of "He's looking and lusting after other women, I'm not enough for him etc."

 

We don't know, but in my mind this is not necessarily the issue, because it wouldn't be my primary problem with it. We don't know exactly what he did, but I think you may be underestimating the seriousness of it, and violation of innocent people, that may have lead to getting him fired (if the firing is related to it). For all we know, it may be a criminal matter too.

 

if you can tell us stranger what you did, jow are you going to come clean and repair this in real life.

because you have to be clear in admiting whay you did.

 

OP, you are completely anonymous. I assume that what you did is extremely shameful to you. It probably would help in giving advice if you were more specific about what you did.

 

OP - I don't know what you did. Maybe you're a peeping tom or you put cameras in a girls' or women's locker room or something like that.

 

If so, I can understand your wife's reaction. To me, an affair is not necessarily a deal breaker. But a compulsion to act out sexual fantasies on innocent people generally is, in part because I don't know where it's going to end. It's not uncommon for rapists to begin as peeping toms. I don't want to find I'm married to a guy whose secret sexual compulsions have escalated into something not only emotionally but physically harmful to others. I think you really need to deal with whatever this is honestly and head on, or your life will not end up the way you want it to. That's how you prove yourself - go to counseling, honesty, deal with whatever it is that is making you act out.

 

Eventually, you can be like someone who says, "I used to drink/do drugs" or whatever...but you've rigorously kept on top of your compulsions and your honesty will show people that you're serious about not repeating your mistakes. This is likely to be your lifelong project. But it doesn't have to wreck the rest of your life, if you can deal with it.

 

I wish you could tell us more about this from your perspective. All the answers here are based on some speculation.

Edited October 21, 2013 by lollipopspot