Best friend cheated - tell his GF?

[campfire]

So if your best friend cheated on his wife/girlfriend, would you tell her? Should you?

 

Does it matter is she is also a close friend of yours?

 

Does it matter if it was a one night stand or long lasting affair?

[hippetyhop]

I'd tell if I had proof/concrete evidence.

[tinktronik]

The messenger often gets "shot". I know, I've been there.

[samsungxoxo]

No, it's really none of my business. Besides the wife/husband knowing the truth, how will this benefit me? What exactly I'm getting out of it??

[katielee]

without question, yes. If you saw your neighbor's house being robbed would you tell them? Even if it was none of your business?

[cozycottagelg]

I wouldn't. If I found out my best friend was being cheated on, then yes. But if it is my best friend who made the mistake, I feel like it's my obligation as the bestie to keep quiet. Doesn't mean I wouldn't encourage them to come clean, but I'm not ratting out a best friend. Sorry.

[samsungxoxo]

I wouldn't. If I found out my best friend was being cheated on, then yes. But if it is my best friend who made the mistake, I feel like it's my obligation as the bestie to keep quiet. Doesn't mean I wouldn't encourage them to come clean, but I'm not ratting out a best friend. Sorry.

This....

 

If it's my best friend who has done nothing wrong to me besides being a bad partner, why on hell would I want to ruin that friendship?? I'm not your overly ''tell the truth and rat on anyone because everyone deserves to know it'' straight-laced person.

 

If it's someone close to me getting cheated on, you bet I'll rat the cheater out. If they're doing the cheating, at most I'll let them know that it's not right and how I'm just going to say ''I don't know'' if I'm asked his/her whereabouts but don't really invent an alibi.

[cozycottagelg]

This....

 

If it's my best friend who has done nothing wrong to me besides being a bad partner, why on hell would I want to ruin that friendship?? I'm not your overly ''tell the truth and rat on anyone because everyone deserves to know it'' straight-laced person.

 

If it's someone close to me getting cheated on, you bet I'll rat the cheater out. If they're doing the cheating, at most I'll let them know that it's not right and how I'm just going to say ''I don't know'' if I'm asked his/her whereabouts but don't really invent an alibi.

 

Yes, exactly.

[samsungxoxo]

without question, yes. If you saw your neighbor's house being robbed would you tell them? Even if it was none of your business?

At best I might make an anonymous report but leave it at that. I wouldn't want the robbers to then possibly come after me.

 

If people are made a report on it, then I'll do nothing.

[JamesM]

So if your best friend cheated on his wife/girlfriend, would you tell her? Should you?

 

Does it matter is she is also a close friend of yours?

 

Does it matter if it was a one night stand or long lasting affair?

 

No. No. No. No.

 

It is really not your business, assuming you are correct (which is another issue).

 

What you SHOULD do is talk to your best friend and tell him/her what he/she should or should not be doing to fix the situation.

 

If you tell someone else besides him (either his wife/gf or someone else who can leak it to wife/gf) you are betraying his friendship.

 

Question...if you were doing something he/she perceived to be cheating or were actually doing it, would you not want him/her to come to you first?

 

without question, yes. If you saw your neighbor's house being robbed would you tell them? Even if it was none of your business?

 

 

Apples to oranges.

 

I would call the police....not them.

[yellowmaverick]

ONS - Not sure, especially if you know that he has never previously had a ONS and is unlikely to repeat it, i.e. he shows remorse.

 

A longer term affair - definitely yes.

[Criticality]

I might have a word with him, but I'm also leaning towards don't tell.

 

For lots of reasons....

 

I don't want to set something in motion that might blow up his family.

Maybe his spouse knows and either likes it or doesn't mind. But wouldn't want other people to know. If into,d her, she would have to come clean.

Maybe who doesn't want to know. They might have a discrete understanding of sorts.

If my wife had a one night fling or something? Honestly I probably wouldn't want to know.

[campfire]

So for those of you who insists on NOT telling your friends wife/GF he cheated on her: What if she finds out on her own and blames you for not telling her before? Any reflections around that?

 

What if she decides to stay with her husband/boyfriend but wants nothing to do with you ever again?

 

Personally I would probably urge my friend to tell her and give him a deadline. If he doesn't tell her, I will.

[dichotomy]

Short answer, probably the same way I would deal with a Friend who told me they had an addiction issue (gambling, drugs, alcohol) because affairs are also destructive. I put I high value on friends, and loving means not supporting, enabling, or ignoring destructive behavior.

 

Telling a wife would be the last resort to get my friend to change and be healthy ... but it would be on the

menu.

 

A GF is little tricker - depends on how serious it is. A casual new GF - is different then an exlusive we might get married some day GF

Edited October 16, 2013 by dichotomy

[carhill]

So if your best friend cheated on his wife/girlfriend, would you tell her? Should you?

 

At most, I would present verifiable evidence and suggest she look into it. He would also receive the same evidence.

 

Does it matter is she is also a close friend of yours?

 

I don't think it would but in my case she considers me her 'second H', so we're pretty close.

 

Does it matter if it was a one night stand or long lasting affair?

 

It wouldn't to me, relevant to verifiable evidence. I'd leave it to the parties to work out what 'matters' to them.

 

So, to conclude, I wouldn't 'tell', rather I'd 'show', to put a twist on an old grammar school pastime.

[samsungxoxo]

So for those of you who insists on NOT telling your friends wife/GF he cheated on her: What if she finds out on her own and blames you for not telling her before? Any reflections around that?

 

What if she decides to stay with her husband/boyfriend but wants nothing to do with you ever again?

Then it's not my concern what she thinks of me. All I know is that's their life and I'm not going to get in the middle of it for the sake of an honest policy.

 

Personally I would probably urge my friend to tell her and give him a deadline. If he doesn't tell her, I will.

Do what best suits you. That's just me. I'm not going to be the messenger that meddles in my friend's relationship/marriage.

[Criticality]

So for those of you who insists on NOT telling your friends wife/GF he cheated on her: What if she finds out on her own and blames you for not telling her before? Any reflections around that?

 

What if she decides to stay with her husband/boyfriend but wants nothing to do with you ever again?

 

 

Well, she's probably unlikely to find out whether I knew or not.

But I don't really think its realistic or even reasonable of her to expect or demand, that I'd take further action than have a word with my friend, no?

I'm assuming here that I was/am his friends first.

 

Any fallout of me not telling, is also negated by the fact that after an affair/divorce, the friends of the couple are usually "split between them", as the divorce process churns on, and people are made to choose a side,mas silly as it is.

 

And it's not really a wife's place to demand what friends her husband can and cannot see. (At least of the same sex) I'd sure hope my friend would tell his wife exactly where to stick her controlling demand, and he'd be absolved of any previous guilt in looking outside of the marriage in my eyes

[Keenly]

Absolutely not.

 

I know its rare these days but I possess this little trait called loyalty .

 

He is an adult and can choose to live his life as he chooses. Its not my place to rat him out nor tell him how he should live.

 

 

Then again, injecting myself, my opinions or beliefs, into other peoples lives is not how I roll.

[JamesM]

So for those of you who insists on NOT telling your friends wife/GF he cheated on her: What if she finds out on her own and blames you for not telling her before? Any reflections around that?

 

I am not insisting. I am giving an opinion. You may differ.

 

Since HE is my best friend in this scenario, then he is my concern. What kind of best friend am I if I don't talk with him about the situation? How would I feel if the reverse was true?

 

If she finds out on her own and blames me, then that is her problem. A best friend is one who sticks by you. I don't have to approve of what he does, but as a friend, I should be trying to help him. And if I think he is cheating, then I need to confront him and tell him what he is doing wrong. I don't threaten him with a deadline or an ultimatum of revealing him. I help him.

 

What kind of friend rats out a friend without giving him a chance to change?

 

My reflections.

 

What if she decides to stay with her husband/boyfriend but wants nothing to do with you ever again?

 

That is her problem. My "problem" is my friend. Do unto others as you would like them do unto you. And I would rather that a friend comes to me with this. I would want to check out the truth of the story first even if I saw him with another woman. And then he needs to deal with it.

 

Would you be more concerned about losing the approval of the woman over the friendship of the best friend?

 

Personally I would probably urge my friend to tell her and give him a deadline. If he doesn't tell her, I will.

 

Thankfully, you are not my friend IRL.

[Keenly]

I would not be friends with anyone who felt they could tell me how to live my life, or attempt to strong arm / blackmail me into doing what they want me to do.

[carhill]

Since HE is my best friend in this scenario, then he is my concern. What kind of best friend am I if I don't talk with him about the situation? How would I feel if the reverse was true?

 

Interestingly, my current opinion about the particular scenario forwarded by the OP evolved from two different places. First, relevant to 'best friend', I'm intimate enough with them to be aware of their agreement to talk first/leave first before having extra-marital relations. Secondly, I experienced post-divorce disclosures from that best friend about my M which cause me to consider and adopt the method I have.

 

IMO, as your posting perhaps underscored, each M and each friendship is different, so anecdotes we provide will hopefully be helpful for the OP. FTR, if the situation were reversed (spouses reversed in the hypothetical), my actions would be exactly the same, and, if I had no verifiable evidence, I'd remain silent.

[campfire]

It feels like my opinion change depending on who's shoes I put myself in. If I'm the one doing the cheating, I would prefer my best friend not telling my wife/girlfriend. Instead I would come clean myself.

 

If my best friend cheats on his girlfriend/wife I would do as I posted earlier: have him tell her. The reason? I want to keep his wife as a friend in the future as well. My opinion might be biased by my own experience.

 

My girlfriend cheated on me half a year ago, it was a one night stand and one of her friends knew about it. I found out about the incident, we reconciled and things seem to be fine now. She is still friends with the one who knew about the cheating, but I can't stand her. I never liked her much, but now I simply don't want anything to do with her. I guess that's perfectly ok, but I just can't help myself making comments when my girlfriend is going to see her friend. Forgiving her friend seems more difficult than forgiving my girlfriend for the cheating, so I simply avoid her friend to the best of my ability.

 

Its interesting how there are so many different opinions on the matter. I guess it depends on the situation.

[carhill]

Forgiving her friend seems more difficult than forgiving my girlfriend for the cheating, so I simply avoid her friend to the best of my ability.

 

This can be pretty easy to process. We tend to retain negative opinions of those not loved nor cared about more easily and for longer periods than those we love and care about. Hence, it's easier, comparatively, to 'forgive' your girlfriend her infidelity than to 'forgive' her friend for not disclosing. You love your girlfriend and have chosen to forgive and remain with her. Her friend is, relatively, a nobody, hence no investment nor reason to forgive.

 

Eventually, you can process this to the same state of neutrality as with your girlfriend. I personally found, in my case, that going through MC helped me a lot with processing and when the later disclosures came from my best friend, whom I had known and loved a lot longer than my exW, I was able to process those disclosures and continue on. His friendship and support, overall, were more valuable than any dearth of contemporaneous information. As you stated, each situation is different. Good luck.

[Criticality]

Friends are meant to be friends.

 

Not to act like a friend-police of sorts, or to rat people out, or to monitor if they uphold social or marital conventions.

[carhill]

That's a real good point and, if the OP had omitted 'best' in front of friend, my answer would have mirrored yours, in that IMO one doesn't generally monitor or 'rat out' the behavior of friends for compliance with societal ideals or norms. I know I certainly don't.