carhill Posted October 16, 2013 Share Posted October 16, 2013 She is still friends with the one who knew about the cheating, but I can't stand her. I never liked her much, but now I simply don't want anything to do with her. Something just occurred to me, relevant to your real life situation, not shared in the OP: You never liked her much..... perhaps that feeling was/is mutual and hence an impetus for her withholding any knowledge she had of her best friend cheating on you. She, if my assertion is accurate, did not care for or about you so essentially you were a nobody to her and it didn't matter to her whether her best friend cheated on you or not. This could be one potential explanation for the specific dynamic. There are others. Only the friend knows what's in her mind. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cozycottagelg Posted October 16, 2013 Share Posted October 16, 2013 It feels like my opinion change depending on who's shoes I put myself in. If I'm the one doing the cheating, I would prefer my best friend not telling my wife/girlfriend. Instead I would come clean myself. If my best friend cheats on his girlfriend/wife I would do as I posted earlier: have him tell her. The reason? I want to keep his wife as a friend in the future as well. My opinion might be biased by my own experience. My girlfriend cheated on me half a year ago, it was a one night stand and one of her friends knew about it. I found out about the incident, we reconciled and things seem to be fine now. She is still friends with the one who knew about the cheating, but I can't stand her. I never liked her much, but now I simply don't want anything to do with her. I guess that's perfectly ok, but I just can't help myself making comments when my girlfriend is going to see her friend. Forgiving her friend seems more difficult than forgiving my girlfriend for the cheating, so I simply avoid her friend to the best of my ability. Its interesting how there are so many different opinions on the matter. I guess it depends on the situation. To me it sounds like you don't want your gf/wife to hang with her because if she did the same thing again, her friend wouldn't tell you, thus kind of making her an enabler. Which, I get. But I think in general, friends stick with each other. The gf could have and would have cheated either way, her friend knowing doesn't make it her fault in any way, shape or form. But I can see how you wouldn't want your gf to hang out with her. I get it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author campfire Posted October 16, 2013 Author Share Posted October 16, 2013 I personally found, in my case, that going through MC helped me a lot with processing and when the later disclosures came from my best friend, whom I had known and loved a lot longer than my exW, I was able to process those disclosures and continue on. His friendship and support, overall, were more valuable than any dearth of contemporaneous information. As you stated, each situation is different. Good luck. Thanks. We are in the unfortunate situation of being far away from each other so MC is out of the question at the moment. 12 months from now we might be living under the same roof. Would you recommend digging into the cheating issue with MC at that point? It feels like both of us are over it, but I haven't seen the full extent of her remorsefullness, nor has she seen the full extent of pain that she caused me. I don't know if it needs to be seen though? I guess the good thing about this now is when I'm triggering she's usually not there. I've done alot of self-healing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author campfire Posted October 16, 2013 Author Share Posted October 16, 2013 Something just occurred to me, relevant to your real life situation, not shared in the OP: You never liked her much..... perhaps that feeling was/is mutual and hence an impetus for her withholding any knowledge she had of her best friend cheating on you. She, if my assertion is accurate, did not care for or about you so essentially you were a nobody to her and it didn't matter to her whether her best friend cheated on you or not. This could be one potential explanation for the specific dynamic. There are others. Only the friend knows what's in her mind. True, I actually have the feeling she never liked me much, or maybe its just down to the fact that Im "stealing" her friend from her sometimes. This is what my GF implies. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 16, 2013 Share Posted October 16, 2013 My advice would be, if/when you are cohabiting and if/when finding this issue to be affecting your relationship, bear it scrutiny and, if you cannot resolve it on your own, engage a professional to help. The work is yours but a professional has the training to give you tools, options and perspectives you may not otherwise have found on your own. IMO, if your primary relationship and partnership is at stake, it's worth it, whether that be IC for you or CC (couple's counseling) for you and your partner. Infidelity is a serious blow to any relationship. Working through it takes time and effort. I wish you well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author campfire Posted October 16, 2013 Author Share Posted October 16, 2013 To me it sounds like you don't want your gf/wife to hang with her because if she did the same thing again, her friend wouldn't tell you, thus kind of making her an enabler. Which, I get. But I think in general, friends stick with each other. The gf could have and would have cheated either way, her friend knowing doesn't make it her fault in any way, shape or form. But I can see how you wouldn't want your gf to hang out with her. I get it. Well its not that they shouldn't hang out together. They are friends, let them hang out I say. But I'm pretty sarcastic every time her name gets mentioned. Personally I do not want to hang out with her. This is not a problem in itself, but I'm seing situations in the future where my girlfriend might get pissed because I'm still hating her friend. For example: I don't want her in our wedding. I don't want her in any parties when I'm there. And if she is going to be there, I simply turn on the ignore button. Which can get abit weird maybe. Link to post Share on other sites
crederer Posted October 16, 2013 Share Posted October 16, 2013 I'd try to get the cheating partner to come clean. I wouldn't tell though. People have a tendency to shoot the messenger and villify you. The cheating partner will likely be able to convince the other that it is lies and you have some sort of ulterior motive. They will then both hate you. Then when the affair comes to light down the road, they'll both still hate you and manage to make it out as if it was all your fault. At least this is what happened to me. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 16, 2013 Share Posted October 16, 2013 Personally I do not want to hang out with her. This is not a problem in itself, but I'm seing situations in the future where my girlfriend might get pissed because I'm still hating her friend. For example: I don't want her in our wedding. Considering that it is customary for a female's best friend to be a member of the wedding party, if not maid/matron of honor, I'd suggest resolving this in PMC, along with other relevant issues, should you and your GF become engaged. Carrying this to the wedding could be very damaging to your new M. Be careful here, IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
Author campfire Posted October 16, 2013 Author Share Posted October 16, 2013 Considering that it is customary for a female's best friend to be a member of the wedding party, if not maid/matron of honor, I'd suggest resolving this in PMC, along with other relevant issues, should you and your GF become engaged. Carrying this to the wedding could be very damaging to your new M. Be careful here, IMO. Thanks for the advice. She's not her best friend and she won't be the maid of honor, but she's a close friend. She will never be an issue in our daily life in the future because of the distance (my girlfriend is moving to my country), but she might be up for visits and come for some of the big happenings like wedding, baptism if we get kids, birthdays and those things. Forgiving her friend simply makes me feel like a doormat so I've decided to never forgive her. Link to post Share on other sites
cozycottagelg Posted October 16, 2013 Share Posted October 16, 2013 Well its not that they shouldn't hang out together. They are friends, let them hang out I say. But I'm pretty sarcastic every time her name gets mentioned. Personally I do not want to hang out with her. This is not a problem in itself, but I'm seing situations in the future where my girlfriend might get pissed because I'm still hating her friend. For example: I don't want her in our wedding. I don't want her in any parties when I'm there. And if she is going to be there, I simply turn on the ignore button. Which can get abit weird maybe. It seems really weird to me that you are okay with your cheating gf, but you have a problem with her friend. You get that it's not her fault right? I'm not sure how it would have played out if she had been the one to tell you, but I'm guessing it isn't necessarily how you might see it in your head. It's not her fault... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted October 16, 2013 Share Posted October 16, 2013 So you are mad at your GF's friend because SHE was a true friend and didn't tell you? Do you know how much grief and advice this friend may have given to your gf? Do you know if this friend wrestled with the decision of should I tell or should I not? Suffice it to say, I think the friend was correct in her decision to not tell. You are displacing your anger. How would you have acted differently with your gf if this friend had told you? Would you have still reconciled? Or perhaps would you have blown off this friend and hated her for being the messenger...as you didn't really like her anyhow? And why in the world as was said....are you not as mad at you GF for cheating on you? As you moved on with your gf, so do it with this friend of hers. Forgive her for not telling you but be thankful that your gf has a friend who will be true to her...even if she doesn't always deserve it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TheGuard13 Posted October 16, 2013 Share Posted October 16, 2013 So if your best friend cheated on his wife/girlfriend, would you tell her? Should you? Does it matter is she is also a close friend of yours? Does it matter if it was a one night stand or long lasting affair? Depends on whether you yourself are single and want his girlfriend/wife for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
janedoe67 Posted October 16, 2013 Share Posted October 16, 2013 Because this is a friend, and because they are in the actual close circle of your life, I would inform as objectively and clearly as possible and then back out of it. If it was someone two floors up at your office or some complete stranger you got wind of....then plainly speaking, seeking out a way to out them is just what creepy obsessed stalkers do. This is not that kind of case. You know these people well. Link to post Share on other sites
kendallk Posted October 16, 2013 Share Posted October 16, 2013 I wouldn't tell for a friend but I will admit I would lose major respect for them. I have no sympathy for cheaters and feel bad for anyone who gets cheated on unless its obvious theyre a bad person. Link to post Share on other sites
leon23 Posted October 17, 2013 Share Posted October 17, 2013 Depends on whether you yourself are single and want his girlfriend/wife for yourself. So if you are single and want the current GF for yourself, you would tell? Link to post Share on other sites
leon23 Posted October 17, 2013 Share Posted October 17, 2013 If it's my Best Friend, I'd tell he/she my opinion but ultimately it will be her decision in the end. We would have an understanding that I would not in any way shape or form enable her in the cheating or cover up. I just wouldn't want to know or be involved after I said my piece. Thankfully I've never had to be in that situation. However, I had a friend (not close) outed via anon email I posted on this a week or so ago.. we weren't super close we heard rumors but didn't say anything to his gf. Link to post Share on other sites
ProfXavier Posted October 17, 2013 Share Posted October 17, 2013 I have been in this situation, and I think the answer is no. Do not tell. Every time I did it I lost a good friend. You will to. Sometimes things need to work themselves out. Everyone here is going to tell you "Do the right thing". There are times to be a good Samaritan and not to be. If you want to loose a good friend then do it. But the trade off is not worth it in my experience. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
That Guy In Vegas Posted October 17, 2013 Share Posted October 17, 2013 As much as i wanted to tell my best friend his wife was cheating & had concrete proof & all the evidence needed.. I wanted no parts of helping create that storm and chose to keep quite, and eventually they ended up divorcing any ways. Truth be told it bothered the **** out of me not telling him because i felt like i was being fake in a way. But on the other hand, often times that **** will backfire & you're the one stuck looking crazy & i've been down that path before. Sometimes doing what we consider the "right thing" can cause a ton of headache & chaos. I learned to just be there for my friend which is like a brother & let it be.. Sometimes we don't need to know everything in life. I've seen situations where people have a hard time bouncing back after finding out the person they've been with for 10 or 15 years is ****ting on them. As the saying goes, pick & choose those battles.. I maybe would tell a friend thats only been dating a female for a couple of months & she out there bull****ting.. Its not to much invested at that time, but years & years and an established family.. No sir, lol stay clear.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author campfire Posted October 17, 2013 Author Share Posted October 17, 2013 It seems really weird to me that you are okay with your cheating gf, but you have a problem with her friend. You get that it's not her fault right? I'm not sure how it would have played out if she had been the one to tell you, but I'm guessing it isn't necessarily how you might see it in your head. It's not her fault... First of all, Iam not OK with my girlfriend cheating on me. I took a major bullet forgiving her because I wanted our relationship to continue, so did she. Forgiving her simply means I'm letting my anger go for now and I won't hold the cheating against her in the future. That being said, this second chance is also the last chance. As for her friend, well after asking my girlfriend about it she told me her friend never pushed her to come clean. The attitude was more of "you are an adult and I'm not going to tell you what to do". I'm just surprised by her friend's lack of morals. I would definetely encourage my friend to do the right thing, and in my eyes you should always confess if you cheat, even if it was a one timer. Of course its not the friend's fault my girlfriend cheated. But not telling me about it is like lying straight to my face - which both of them did. I chose to forgive my girlfriend for it because I want our relationship to continue, but I was never close to her friend so I see no need to forgive her unless she shows some kind of remorse or sorryness. I trust my girlfriend, but I dont trust her friend and I don't need her in my life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author campfire Posted October 17, 2013 Author Share Posted October 17, 2013 So you are mad at your GF's friend because SHE was a true friend and didn't tell you? Do you know how much grief and advice this friend may have given to your gf? Do you know if this friend wrestled with the decision of should I tell or should I not? Suffice it to say, I think the friend was correct in her decision to not tell. You are displacing your anger. How would you have acted differently with your gf if this friend had told you? Would you have still reconciled? Or perhaps would you have blown off this friend and hated her for being the messenger...as you didn't really like her anyhow? And why in the world as was said....are you not as mad at you GF for cheating on you? As you moved on with your gf, so do it with this friend of hers. Forgive her for not telling you but be thankful that your gf has a friend who will be true to her...even if she doesn't always deserve it. I think you are making wrong assumptions. I'm mad at her friend for neither telling me about it, nor encouraging my girlfriend to come clean. If her friend told me I would for sure approve more of her today. But I have a feeling reconciling would have been even more difficult with my girlfriend. When you're cheated on the worst thing is someone telling you about it. The next worst thing is finding out yourself. The least worst thing is having your partner confessing. That's just my opinion and I've only experienced this case Of course I was mad at my girlfriend for cheating on me. I was furious, sad, bitter and almost broke up with her. Link to post Share on other sites
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