Where Do I Even Begin?

[UnbreakMyHeart]

I don't even know where to start. I figured some sort of journal outlining how I am feeling and where I am at might help me to understand some of my feelings but I am not even sure if I can get through writing this

 

3 weeks ago today the love of my life left. The guy who, for the last 10 years had been my whole world. My soulmate. My best friend. My own personal comedian. I met him a little over 10 years ago after my first marriage had broken down and I thought we would be together forever. That we would grow old together. That we would sit in rocking chairs somewhere going over days gone by. We had the most perfect wedding 5 years ago and I truly thought that life didn't get any better than this - he truly was my everything and I can count on one hand the amount of arguments we have had in those 10 years - we were just 'us' - completely compatible in every way. That is what I thought - I obviously thought wrong

 

Things started to go wrong about a year ago. We had a pretty big fight around July time last year - lots of little things had obviously built up and just turned in to one huge character assassination of me on his part. It transpired he thought I was lazy, that I liked to sit about on my days off and do nothing. That I spent too much time reading, or watching crap on the TV, or not doing anything around the house, or spending too much time p*ssing about on facebook or the internet in general - basically not paying HIM enough attention. He actually, to use his words, called me a fat lazy c*nt - warning bells should have sounded loud and clear then but I so desperately wanted to make things work. Don't get me wrong - I am absolutely NO angel - I did a few things that obviously hurt him deeply such as not being sympathetic enough when he was sick a couple of years ago and was taken in to hospital but I also supported him in a million and one other ways - He moved 80 miles to live with me back in 2004 and has taken a very long time to settle down in a job, flitting from job to job to job - I am the major breadwinner so it would be down to me to keep the house ticking over and paying the bills until he found somewhere else to work. I should imagine in the last 9 years he has easily had 30 jobs.

 

So we have ticked over for the last 12 months or so - me trying to be more attentive, as much as I can anyhow. In those 12 months I have changed jobs myself - I am a nurse and in the last 6 months have gone from Staff Nurse, to Sister, to Ward Manager, with all the responsibility that comes with climbing the career ladder so quickly. Up to a few weeks ago I was putting in 50+ hour weeks and this whole thing of him leaving escalated from something SO stupid which is obviously just a catalyst from things that had been building up over time

 

We haven't been intimate for a while... mainly since last year when the whole fat lazy c*nt thing came about. I am not skinny by any sense of the word. A size 16 in UK clothes so I am not what you would call overly huge either. I actually weigh less now than when I met him 10 years ago, but 5 years or so ago I managed to get down to a UK size 8 and dropped 80lbs for our wedding. Over time that has crept back up again - I have a thyroid issue that is currently borderline, so dropping the weight is hard but at the same time the thyroid issue isn't bad enough to put me on medication. I am also needing a hip replacement in the next couple of years so I don't work out like I used to do... and I am always too damn tired! So my self esteem was shattered... bit by bit he chipped away at it. Other things such as my job - I have worked damn hard to get where I am. I put myself through nursing school and have worked hard to climb the ladder - he would come out with wise cracks about me really being a cleaner at the hospital. All very much in jest and I know he was proud of me - but it would hurt my already ruined self esteem so it got to the point were intimacy just didn't happen until, funnily enough, when we were on holiday in Egypt just back in July - we seemed to find ourselves again

 

So a couple of weeks ago we were heading out to see a comedian one Saturday night - this meant a trip away for the weekend. This was a belated birthday present for him as I had booked the tickets months earlier when I was his birthday. I had worked Mon - Fri at had been up every day at 5am. That day I stayed in bed until just before 11am and I could tell he was p*ssed at me and spent the whole weekend kind of sulking. Same thing on the Monday - he was still pretty annoyed about the whole thing and blanked me out but the rest of the week was fine. The days leading up to him leaving and I was working nights. My last night finished Monday morning - I spent Monday day in bed as I was knackered, and then finally got to sleep around 4am Tuesday morning. I had told him I would take him to work Tuesday which means we leave at 11.30. I got up at 10.45 and he had already left - strange so I texted him asking why he just didn't wake me with coffee like he normally would have done - no answer. It gets to around 10.30 that night and I text asking does he want a lift home to which he said he was staying behind after work to have a few drinks - yep, alarm bells started ringing - he never does this!

 

He gets home Tuesday night around 1am and says he stayed behind to speak to a couple of the people he works with (a guy and a girl), and we end up with a whole character assassination on me again - rinse and repeat to the whole thing the year previously - I am a neglectful wife and mother. I neglect the dog - just lots of different things. I admitted I probably hadn't been as attentive as I could be. I went to bed around 2ish having thought we had talked things through. I had to go in to work for a couple of hours Wednesday morning which was his day off but when I got home we were going to spend the day together out at a local park with the dog. It didn't quite work out that way...

 

You know when you just have a 'feeling'? I had one of those feelings. I knew his facebook password and I KNOW I should never have looked but I did. I saw a whole conversation he was having with a girl he works with. This conversation took place Wednesday morning and in it it was pretty obvious he had stayed behind after work Tuesday night to speak about 'us'. This woman who is apparently in a long distance relationship... I won't call her the OW as I am not convinced she is was talking about him fixing his marriage, He was basically telling her that he had decided his marriage was over. He referred to me as 'she who sleeps' and 'she who sleeps will be home so if I go offline quickly'. He asked this woman did 'she want to go to the cinema and eat popcorn and laugh' - to be fair to her, she didn't reply and he mentioned he figured he had overstepped the mark.

 

Long story short (well, shortish), I threw my phone at him. As far as I was concerned I was coming home from work to spend a lovely afternoon at the park with our beautiful dog! Would we have done that had I not seen what he wrote? So... I asked him to leave. Actually, I told him I would leave and he could stay here but 3 weeks to the day he packed some things and left

 

... and I have absolutely NO f*cking clue what I do now. I have seen him a couple of times since. The week after he left he stopped by the collect some more things, and he came by on Monday to collect our dog so he could have him for a couple of days.

 

After I saw him on Monday I mailed him to ask if he could drop the dog off back at home on Wednesday whilst I was at work because I am struggling right now seeing him - it really does break my heart so I figure no contact is the way to go - I just want him to come home though. I just want him to say he made a terrible mistake and we will work through this. I just want him to love me again but I have no control over it. I feel like I am losing my mind. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I just can't function right now. I can't believe he can just throw 10 years away and, despite me making him sound like a bit of an a**, they are 10 years filled with incredible memories. Not a day went by that we didn't laugh together. Not a day went by that I didn't feel so very lucky to have him in my life.

 

I would give anything... ANYTHING to turn back the clock and make things different. To put things right. To be a better person. To be a better wife. I miss him SO f*cking much! I had to see him earlier to get the dog back as I figured me seeing him for 2 minutes to collect him was going to be easier than seeing him for however long he stayed in our home. He was very cordial - asked how I was and if I was doing OK - it is blatantly obvious just by looking at me that I am not OK despite how much make up I have on! At least the D diet is working!

 

We haven't even started to speak about divorce yet. Right now I am in the house alone paying all the bills and mortgage. I can't have his name taken off the mortgage as the house is in negative equity and the bank won't entertain him coming off, so we can't sell - so I am left here with a million and one memories and a mortgage I am going to struggle to pay alone as I know he won't contribute. He actually feels pretty wronged too in all of this as it was me who asked him to leave - he doesn't quite understand WHY I asked him. I truly felt like it would only have been a matter of time before he started an affair so it was a whole self preservation thing

 

I am trying to do the whole 180 thing and failing miserably! All I want to do is talk to him and ask him one last time to please come home - to please work at this with me. I want to let him know how much I love him. I want him to know that I am not the only one who didn't work hard enough at it. I want him to love me like he used to. I want to be who he fell in love with. I want him to know that he always has been my whole world

 

I don't know how I am ever going to get over this. I would like to say I just feel dead inside, and I actually wish I did! I feel, I feel sad... desperately desperately sad. I just want to find my best friend again

 

I just want to be able to genuinely smile again. I am so lucky - I have some amazing family and friends and they are doing their very very best to try and be supportive - I just want this really dark cloud hanging over me to disappear. I want the life I once had back

[Mr. Lucky]

I want the life I once had back

With all due respect, you want the life back where he called you names, planned to date other women, told you were fat, refused to have sex with you, belittled your job and didn't pull his weight financially :confused: ???

 

That's the life you deserve?

 

Your post sounds like it was written by an intelligent, perceptive, warm person. Absent you husbands ability through counseling to change and reflect the same qualities, he's doing you a favor by leaving. And you should understand why you're willing to be treated this way...

 

Mr. Lucky

[melissag]

UMH, I am so, so sorry this is happening. Our stories are a little different, but I can relate. It is unbearably painful to have your whole life, your future, just yanked away, and worse yet, to not be able to talk to the one person you would want to talk to most in tough times, because he is the one hurting you.

 

I do have to say that right now you are not thinking straight. No, you do not want back what you had. Yes, maybe what you had was seemingly better than what you have now, but all these things you are saying are out of desperation and if he were to say "ok, let's get back together" right now, it wouldn't work. And on top of that, your desperation and neediness just make you that much less attractive to him, and you are pushing him away even more. (Trust me, my H has softened a LOT since I stopped the begging. Has he changed his mind? No. But he has backed off some of the mean things he said, and we spend time together now peacefully.) At this point, you CANNOT show your vulnerability to him.

 

He obviously doesn't want to work on things right now, but *you* need to work on yourself. You are not completely to blame for this, and you need to get that. You cannot fix this on your own. You cannot control him. And you need to figure out who you are, what makes you happy, how you contributed to the marital problems, and how you can make sure to love yourself and be true to yourself going forward. (I would strongly suggest IC as well as maybe some self help books. I have a stack to read but haven't gotten far yet, so I'm not sure what to recommend.) Maybe, your H will come around. Maybe, you will realize you don't want him to come around. But you have to work on you, because life will go on and you need to live it. Is this easy? NO! I am trying to do this right now. It SUCKS. It is awful. I often just wish I could be someone, anyone else, even for a half hour. I am *still* stuck in the temper tantrum stage where I just don't want to do this. This is all normal. Keep reading here. Keep posting. You will see that, even though the future looks like a big ugly black hole right now, others who have been in your shoes have gotten through. It does get better.

[UnbreakMyHeart]

With all due respect, you want the life back where he called you names, planned to date other women, told you were fat, refused to have sex with you, belittled your job and didn't pull his weight financially :confused: ???

 

That's the life you deserve?

 

Your post sounds like it was written by an intelligent, perceptive, warm person. Absent you husbands ability through counseling to change and reflect the same qualities, he's doing you a favor by leaving. And you should understand why you're willing to be treated this way...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I don't want to be treated that way - I just want back what we had before it all went horribly wrong about 12 months ago. I know I deserve so much more than I was getting - but I want that so much with him. I sound pathetic and I sound needy - I know I do, but I'm really not. I have supported myself since I was 19. I have a ton of friends. I am well respected in my line of work. I don't want the life back I had - I want a better life where we work at things and lay all of our cards on the table and try to make things right. The thing I hate most about it though is that I have no control over whether that happens or not. Right now he is feeling pretty wronged by me asking him to leave - I just want him to understand WHY I asked him to go but instead he is choosing to play the victim in all of this. I know I need to let go and let him realise what he has lost

 

Well, excuse the F out of you for needing some sleep!!

He sounds like a real jerk.

I mean so what if you watch crap on TV or dink around on the internet on YOUR day off. What does he care what you do on YOUR day off.

 

Let him go. He obviously is just nit picking you so that he can convince himself there is a good solid reason for him to want to date a new girl. That's all it is. Don't let him blame you!

 

He's doing absolutely ZERO to help your marriage. NOTHING but blame you for this blame you for that.........Honestly, he sounds like a total loser.

 

I know I have made him sound like an absolute d*ck! What you see depends on where you stand. For 9 years, and, to be fair other than the lack of intimacy this past year, we have been each others everything. Not much I can do about him choosing not to work things out. It still hurts like hell though!

 

UMH, I am so, so sorry this is happening. Our stories are a little different, but I can relate. It is unbearably painful to have your whole life, your future, just yanked away, and worse yet, to not be able to talk to the one person you would want to talk to most in tough times, because he is the one hurting you.

 

I do have to say that right now you are not thinking straight. No, you do not want back what you had. Yes, maybe what you had was seemingly better than what you have now, but all these things you are saying are out of desperation and if he were to say "ok, let's get back together" right now, it wouldn't work. And on top of that, your desperation and neediness just make you that much less attractive to him, and you are pushing him away even more. (Trust me, my H has softened a LOT since I stopped the begging. Has he changed his mind? No. But he has backed off some of the mean things he said, and we spend time together now peacefully.) At this point, you CANNOT show your vulnerability to him.

 

He obviously doesn't want to work on things right now, but *you* need to work on yourself. You are not completely to blame for this, and you need to get that. You cannot fix this on your own. You cannot control him. And you need to figure out who you are, what makes you happy, how you contributed to the marital problems, and how you can make sure to love yourself and be true to yourself going forward. (I would strongly suggest IC as well as maybe some self help books. I have a stack to read but haven't gotten far yet, so I'm not sure what to recommend.) Maybe, your H will come around. Maybe, you will realize you don't want him to come around. But you have to work on you, because life will go on and you need to live it. Is this easy? NO! I am trying to do this right now. It SUCKS. It is awful. I often just wish I could be someone, anyone else, even for a half hour. I am *still* stuck in the temper tantrum stage where I just don't want to do this. This is all normal. Keep reading here. Keep posting. You will see that, even though the future looks like a big ugly black hole right now, others who have been in your shoes have gotten through. It does get better.

 

Thanks for the pep talk! The 'real' 180 starts now. I have to get back to being me again - the person he fell in love with but for no other reason than *I* like that person better. Perhaps a time will come when he does want to work things out but maybe it will be me who decides enough is enough. For now I am going to try and concentrate on putting me first and doing what I need to do to try and make me happy. Yeah, I know I will have to see him from time to time - I know it sounds ridiculous, but we have a dog together - I can't be that much of an a*s that he doesn't get to spend any time with him

 

But for certain, I have wrote my last email telling him how I feel and asking him to come home. The ball is firmly in his court now. I truly do think he is having some sort of mental health crisis - I actually wonder if he is bordering on bi-polar but that is solely up to him to address now. I can't do anymore and I will not resort to begging

 

Head up, shoulders back, turn around and be proud - that is my motto for today!

 

Thank you all for taking the time to reply - it really is appreciated!

[GuyInLimbo]

He actually, to use his words, called me a fat lazy c*nt

 

That, right there, IMO, is a deal-breaker for me. When someone gets to that point, it's over. I understand rage. I have my fair share pent up. But that's a cruel, horrible thing to say to anyone, regardless of size or circumstance. Having someone like that in your life is like drinking poison. Get rid of it once and for all.

[Misadventure]

Why do you have to be the person he fell in love with 10 yrs ago? People evolve.. and no one is who they are 10 yrs ago.. including him (obviously)!!

 

I know you are in the rock bottom "hurt" stage right now where all you can think of is missing him, wanting him back, "what did I do?"..."I will be whatever he wants.. I just want him back.. I just want MY LIFE back."

 

Trust me.. we have all been at that stage.. it hurts. We question everything about ourselves...we look at ourselves in the mirror and cry...we go over so many moments and go over the "what if's"...the good memories.. the bad.. and if only I had done this or that.

 

This is part of what you need to go through but at some point you need to stop....

 

Isn't it very possible that somewhere in this he is the one that changed? He is the one who may have resentments? He is the one who treated you like you did not deserve to be treated? Perhaps he was like this underneath ...who knows..but the thing is you cannot torture yourself.

 

Why torture yourself for a man who thinks to little of you and is willing not only to call that to your face but to others about you also?

 

I know it is hard...learning to live without the love you had once before and the life you had once before...

 

But... you were able to do it before....you CAN do it again.

[UnbreakMyHeart]

That, right there, IMO, is a deal-breaker for me. When someone gets to that point, it's over. I understand rage. I have my fair share pent up. But that's a cruel, horrible thing to say to anyone, regardless of size or circumstance. Having someone like that in your life is like drinking poison. Get rid of it once and for all.

 

You are right - I absolutely categorically know that you are right. I know that if I was sitting here trying to get advice to someone else I would be telling them to run for the hills! Absolutely noone deserves that sort of treatment from the one person who is supposed to love them! I think one major issue in our relationship has been that we have never been able to argue 'properly'. Like I say, arguments have always been few and far between but when they happen, they happened in a grand fashion with very hurtful things said he has later apologised for - You just can't take those words back though - they are out there which is why I have always thought very carefully about what I say during a heated discussion. I never got over it really - hence the lack of intimacy in which I felt my self esteem slipping away from me. Yeah, I could do to lose 30lb or whatever and I will do - for ME because I like that person better.

 

Why do you have to be the person he fell in love with 10 yrs ago? People evolve.. and no one is who they are 10 yrs ago.. including him (obviously)!!

 

I know you are in the rock bottom "hurt" stage right now where all you can think of is missing him, wanting him back, "what did I do?"..."I will be whatever he wants.. I just want him back.. I just want MY LIFE back."

 

Trust me.. we have all been at that stage.. it hurts. We question everything about ourselves...we look at ourselves in the mirror and cry...we go over so many moments and go over the "what if's"...the good memories.. the bad.. and if only I had done this or that.

 

This is part of what you need to go through but at some point you need to stop....

 

Isn't it very possible that somewhere in this he is the one that changed? He is the one who may have resentments? He is the one who treated you like you did not deserve to be treated? Perhaps he was like this underneath ...who knows..but the thing is you cannot torture yourself.

 

Why torture yourself for a man who thinks to little of you and is willing not only to call that to your face but to others about you also?

 

I know it is hard...learning to live without the love you had once before and the life you had once before...

 

But... you were able to do it before....you CAN do it again.

 

Thanks for taking the time to reply to me! I have read through your whole saga and really admire where you have gotten to! You are a real inspiration! I will get there too - I am determined! I have been to see my GP today to get some meds - just a short course of sleeping tablets so I can try and kick start a decent sleeping pattern again. I'm 40 and have never really lived alone! I had my own house with my first husband when I was 19 and now my STBEX has moved out at the same time my son has moved away to University so it has been lots of life changes in a short time! Little wonder I sometimes feel like I am losing the plot! LOL

 

I am going to get there though!

 

Right now I am about to don my walking boots and take my lovely dog for a nice big old walk

 

I think yesterday when I originally posted I just felt really down, so I spent a couple of hours writing down how I feel... and how I need to feel. The list is placed nicely on the fridge and I am going to cross off every negative feeling that goes away and tick off every great feeling that comes my way

 

I have been so lucky! I married my first husband when I was 19 and we sort of drifted apart and divorced when I was 29. We have always remained friends though and he and his new wife have been my absolute rocks throughout all this!

Edited October 17, 2013 by UnbreakMyHeart

[UnbreakMyHeart]

In fact - I have just thought of a really big positive - the fact that my ex (ex) husband and his wife have been such a tower of strength to me actually says a lot about my character

 

I AM a good person just the way I am without needing to change for anyone!

[littlejaz]

Good for you!!

[UnbreakMyHeart]

So it has been a few days since my first post which seemed so desperate and, whilst I am not 'over it' - you don't get over 10 years in a little under 4 weeks I AM starting to feel more human. Yeah, I get upset - I was cleaning yesterday and hit the play button by accident on a digital photograph frame we have - the USB that was in it was all our wedding photos so cue an half hour pity party, the USB was dumped in the bin - and I carried on with the chores. Holy f*ck - my house has never been as clean since he left! That is one major plus - going to work and coming home again knowing the place is going to look exactly the same as when you left it!

 

Money is tight - really tight! Roll on payday on Friday! He apparently is the wronged party in all of this so I have next to zero chance of him contributing towards the mortgage and here in the UK it is difficult to be forced. The mortgage company don't care who is paying it as long as it is getting paid, and they are adamant his name is to remain on the mortgage whilst ever the house is in negative equity. It really p*sses me off to think that he can just waltz back in any time he likes so that is one of my plans for this week - to get some legal advice to check I have the right information regarding this

 

On the plus side - I am about to realise a huge dream of mine! When I was a little girl I would sit in church with my mum each week and quite often the missionaries would have just returned.... and I would squeeze my mums hand and tell her that one day, I too was going to go to Africa and use whatever skills I had to try and help people. Fast forward 35 years and I am on my way to making it happen. I am a nurse with a background in burns, plastics and trauma so, in March I am going to Ghana to split my time between helping in an orphanage and helping in a clinic there, mainly teaching the local people about staying healthy etc etc. I've never done it before because - well - the time wasn't right. I had my son when I was 21, put myself through nursing school for 3 years when I was 26, and have spent the last 10 years or so climbing the career ladder. Now it is time to give something back and to use the skills and knowledge I have in a different way. This has come at exactly the right time and fundraising for it is giving me something to focus on! I will only be going for 6 weeks - that way I can use my leave from work so I will still be paid whilst I am away (yeah, I know for my US friends - the amount of leave I get a year turns you all a bit green ) .... and who knows what will happen then.

 

It is a miserable rainy day here today in England but, for the first time in weeks, I feel really really positive! I feel a little like me again.

 

Actually, no, I don't really feel like me at all. I feel like a 'different' me. A 'stronger' me. A 'better' me

Edited October 21, 2013 by UnbreakMyHeart