Affording to have a family with children

[Col1]

I'm a single guy without kids living in the big city. I make enough to support myself, and I voluntarily have some emergency savings and 401k retirement deductions each month. I don't have cable TV or a health club membership or waste money. I cook my own meals and pack a lunch for work each day. I even just drink tap water rather than spend money on soda or coffee. I could get a roommate and have an extra $400 each month, but ladies like that I live without roommates. Also, I have a budget for dating.

 

My goal is to get married and have a family. However I realize that I can't afford to support a pregnant wife who then also stays at home to raise children. I would be too proud to apply for public assistance. Also, I already work long hours at my current job and can't imagine having to work a second part-time job. There are other jobs I can get in my field, but I would dread doing them. I love my current job and could do it until I retire; just will never pay higher than what I get.

 

I like kids and would definitely like to have them, but the money expenses seem too much: Prenatal care, hospital delivery, medical bills, clothing (birth through age 18), supplies, diapers, toys, buying a three bedroom house, private school fees, child care, summer camps, sports participation fees, car, and college tuition per kid is daunting. I know the mother will eventually return to the workforce and contribute toward expenses, but still seems like falling into a huge financial black hole.

 

Previously I have been only dating childless women who want a family too. I realize that I can't afford it. So, now my plan is to date & marry a single mother. So many single mothers available age 30-40. Plus, the financial aspect seems much more manageable:

 

Kids from a single mother are essentially paid-up for the first years of their lives. Those major expenses have been covered already. And then the biological father has to contribute towards the major expenses in the future (child support payments, school fees, car, college). I could also contribute money for daily kid needs and help out with the major expenses. But I'm never solely financially responsible for the children.

 

This plan will enable me to maintain one job I love, not stress about money, build a retirement fund, and get to experience having a family. Is this plan realistic?

Edited October 16, 2013 by Col1

[pink_sugar]

What's your biggest concern, a child or money? Dating someone with a child may not suddenly make you a father unless the father is out of the picture. Especially if you're dating someone with a 5+ year old. It's not the same as raising your own child. How old are you anyways? Right now money is an issue for me too, but I plan to spend time building my career, even if that means having to post pone child bearing a little longer. Right now since you're not serious with anyone, it's going to be awhile before you have kids, so you may want to think about working on building your career and financial stability.

[Criticality]

Sorry, but I find your post kinda creepy.

 

Life is what happens when you're busy making plans. And here you are, looking for a woman/kid/family with all the enthusiasm of a guy choosing a new truck, or trying to decide between several different flat screen TV models.

 

If you get a kid, you find room for it economically.

 

However I realize that I can't afford to support a pregnant wife who then also stays at home to raise children.

Who says that she'd want to stay at home and raise children?

 

Kids from a single mother are essentially paid-up for the first years of their lives.

 

Oh you're just a big, teddy bear of an real old fashioned romantic, aren't you?

Surely no woman can read that without her ovaries going off and chiming like crazy!

 

What are you going to do if it turns out that her kid needs expensive medication or expensive therapy? Ditch him in the woods and try to get a refund since the kid was clearly defective?

 

You really don't sound like a man who's emotionally mature enough to have a family. And may never be. Try to look for a woman who doesn't want kids instead. They're out there.

[carhill]

Children inspire.

[Criticality]

Children inspire.

 

Well in this case it seems that children inspire little else than setting a budget. And act as a tax write off.

[Radu]

Maybe it was a poor choice of words, let's not demonize him for doing what many other young ppl don't do ... make plans for the future.

 

OP, 40yrs ago your plan might have worked, with a SAHM mom but it won't work today.

I especially chuckled at the private school tuition fees ... what ?

Like others have pointed out, if you end up with a kid you will manage.

 

Clothes can be had for cheap, cars can be had for cheap if you don't care for the ideal car that much.

Vacations can be done for cheap.

You already cook and are disciplined in the ways of saving money.

Your biggest expense will be the house, but those can be had for much lower right now after the market crash ... so another good thing.

 

You are right about one thing though, it will not be a single-income family.

[carhill]

Is this plan realistic?

 

IME, having dated numerous single mothers and having LTR's with a couple, not really. One never knows what life will throw at them. I never counted on the bio fathers being able to or choosing to meet their responsibilities. Generally, though, the mothers had things handled and things followed what we could afford.

 

Personally, I think you're putting too much pressure on yourself. Perhaps the old saying 'we make plans and then life happens' applies. Take it one day at a time.

[Col1]

I especially chuckled at the private school tuition fees ... what ?

 

I live in a large metropolitan area where the public schools are miserably crowded and underfunded. There are very low academic expectations. Plus, gang issues, students don't want to be there and disrupt learning, and apathetic teachers. Anyone who wants a solid education for their children pays for private school (about $15,000 per year for one child).

[Col1]

What's your biggest concern, a child or money?

If you get a kid, you find room for it economically.

Money cannot be ignored. One of the major issues in divorce is family stress over money/debt.

Edited October 17, 2013 by Col1

[Outsider77]

I think if you really want kids you're going to have to compromise. It sounds like you want to keep the kind of life that you have and try to fit kids into the picture without changing your situation.

 

Your job doesn't pay enough for a family, you aren't likely to make any more doing what you are doing, you are unwilling to get a different job in your field, and you live in a city with bad public schools.

 

The way I see it you are either going to have to change some of those things or accept the fact that you aren't going to have kids. If you meet someone that you would like to marry, you should consider moving elsewhere or getting a different job.

[Col1]

What are you going to do if it turns out that her kid needs expensive medication or expensive therapy?

I would help out financially and be supportive.

 

Try to look for a woman who doesn't want kids instead.

My OP stated I like kids and plan to involve them in my life. Even as just a step parent.

[Col1]

If you meet someone that you would like to marry, you should consider moving elsewhere or getting a different job.

 

I love my city and have long-time connections here. I've had my job for the last eighteen years. I get out of bed each morning and show up early at my worksite because I love doing that job and my co-workers. The buddies I know make double what I earn, but they are walking zombies who hate their work and aren't excited about their lives. They can't leave their jobs because they are financially trapped with mortgage payments, stay-at-home wives, child expenses (including private school tuition). The life is draining from them. They are counting the years until retirement. I don't want that.

 

The way I see it you are either going to have to change some of those things or accept the fact that you aren't going to have kids.

I can accept the fact that I won't have biological kids of my very own. I would very much like to become a step-parent. Many people will say it's not the same thing. It's still an important role model in the life of children - even if we don't share the same DNA.

[Radu]

I live in a large metropolitan area where the public schools are miserably crowded and underfunded. There are very low academic expectations. Plus, gang issues, students don't want to be there and disrupt learning, and apathetic teachers. Anyone who wants a solid education for their children pays for private school (about $15,000 per year for one child).

 

Find a rich girl or move.

 

PS: Having a family [or any LTR] is about compromising.

Not saying that you should be the sole one to do that, but that it is key.

Edited October 17, 2013 by Radu

[Outsider77]

Have you considered volunteering in a mentor program? It's a great way to make a difference in a child's life. There are many ways to get involved if you feel like you want to be a role model. You would have to get clearances but that's not that hard to do.

[Col1]

Have you considered volunteering in a mentor program? It's a great way to make a difference in a child's life. There are many ways to get involved if you feel like you want to be a role model. You would have to get clearances but that's not that hard to do.

 

I tutor middle school boys at my local YMCA. Then we play basketball or play foosball when the homework is all finished. Kind of like a Big Brother program, but more academic focused.

[clia]

This might be one of the strangest posts I've read on this site.

 

For most people, life changes when you have kids. I also live in the city, and the majority of my friends also lived in the city when they were single and newly married. As they started having kids and the kids got older, they moved out to the suburbs so they could buy a bigger house and send their kids to public school rather than paying the cost of private school in the city. You can't expect your life to remain stagnant. There is no reason why you can't move to the suburbs if you have kids to save yourself the cost of private school and to save on housing costs.

 

My goal is to get married and have a family. However I realize that I can't afford to support a pregnant wife who then also stays at home to raise children.

 

Are you dating women who don't work? What makes you think your pregnant wife won't be contributing to the bills or working after the kid is born? It really is not the norm for women to stay home with the kids anymore, unless the husband makes a ton of money or they are living fairly frugally out in the suburbs.

 

There are other jobs I can get in my field, but I would dread doing them. I love my current job and could do it until I retire; just will never pay higher than what I get.

 

Sometimes you have to make some sacrifices in life to get the things you want. If you truly want a wife and kids, you may need to go into another job in your field. Are you really going to be happy making the same pay as you do now forever? Don't you have any more ambition than that? How old are you?

 

I like kids and would definitely like to have them, but the money expenses seem too much: Prenatal care, hospital delivery, medical bills, clothing (birth through age 18), supplies, diapers, toys, buying a three bedroom house, private school fees, child care, summer camps, sports participation fees, car, and college tuition per kid is daunting. I know the mother will eventually return to the workforce and contribute toward expenses, but still seems like falling into a huge financial black hole.

 

There are tons and tons of people out there who work very normal jobs who manage to raise several children. Do you have health insurance? You can get clothing at Goodwill, Salvation Army, Target, or the sale rack. You don't have to buy a house in the fanciest place. Your kids don't need private school. Your kids don't need to go to summer camp. You don't have to buy your kids a car or pay for their college. This sounds like you are making excuses. What do your kids really need? A roof over their head, food, and clothing. That's it. Two people (you and your future wife) should be capable of providing that.

 

Kids from a single mother are essentially paid-up for the first years of their lives. Those major expenses have been covered already. And then the biological father has to contribute towards the major expenses in the future (child support payments, school fees, car, college). I could also contribute money for daily kid needs and help out with the major expenses. But I'm never solely financially responsible for the children.

 

Are you playing "My Two Dads"?

[Col1]

This might be one of the strangest posts I've read on this site.

In the rest of your reply, it appears you haven't read the follow-up replies which provides clarification.

[madjac74]

With all your planning, you seem to think it is a given that any mom or kid will want you as a step-dad. It's almost as if you think because you have planned everything out so well and made your decision that you can go down to Walmart and buy a family.

[Col1]

you can go down to Walmart and buy a family.

Maybe I can meet a nice single mom down at Wal-mart! lol

[Shepp]

Its all about priorities bro.

 

My gf's having twins real soon, I can wait. Sure we'll never be rich, but we'll manage, we'll get by.

 

I'm a working class lad from a working class family and I wouldn't switch my childhood for anything! I didn't need disposable money - I had family, I had friends. and id take people over money any day of the week. Id take having kids over having money any day of the week.

 

Theres a saying said by someone once - money costs too much!

[turnera]

I love my city and have long-time connections here. I've had my job for the last eighteen years. I get out of bed each morning and show up early at my worksite because I love doing that job and my co-workers. The buddies I know make double what I earn, but they are walking zombies who hate their work

First, I LOVE that you stay in a job you love even though it doesn't pay a lot.

 

Second, though, I have to say that I think you are doing yourself more harm by being so analytical about this. Just as you say you want to keep your job because it makes you happy, you are likely to be more happy by just picking a PERSONALITY - not a demographic statistic - who you are drawn to.

 

Open yourself up to meeting anyone and everyone. Stop ticking off points on your fingers. Just enjoy life and enjoy being with women, and see which one clicks. I have a suspicion you're more likely to find a great partner that way.

 

Third, in today's environment in which the middle class can no longer survive on one income because those at the top have wrangled the laws to keep it all for themselves, it's very unlikely that you'll (1) be able to afford for your wife to stay home or (2) find a woman who WANTS to stay home and not earn her own money.

 

Nowadays, generally speaking (no throwing tomatoes please), a child who stays home and doesn't go to a decent day care center is at a disadvantage in school. They don't learn to socialize as well. Their immune systems aren't up to par with the other kids around them. So trying to ensure that your wife stays home is both a pipe dream and not all that beneficial.

 

My DD23 is the most well adjusted young adult I've ever met, and I've worked all but 3 months of her life. It's not if you're home that matters; it's how much the parents love each other and how much they ensure the child feels loved.

[turnera]

One more thing. I think it is imperative that your wife stays home for a couple years after kids. Or you have to atl east make sure you can afford that, which is not that hard. You are putting aside 15 k for private school but dont have food for your wife?

 

Not many women want to dump their kid in daycare immediately and also make enough to offset the cost of daycare.

 

I will disagree. My DD23 stayed with her dad (he worked from home) the first year, then with our neighbor the next year. When she finally got to go to daycare, she was ecstatic.

 

Now, you may want to choose a neighborhood to live in that has a great daycare in it, but just staying home with them doesn't guarantee the best way to grow up.

[knitwit]

Most of your concerns will be alleviated if you marry a career-oriented woman, who will want to keep on working. Granted, sometimes a woman who thought she would want to go back to work changes her mind- but I believe you can usually tell beforehand.

 

I agree 100% with Turnera- and I will join her in ducking tomatoes. Many of today's daycare centers are really very good. They are expensive- if you truly have a career woman, she will have a good enough job to make the expense of a good daycare more than worth it.

 

However, you really have to do your due diligence and make sure that your daycare is well-staffed, has a low staff and child/family turn-over rate, does training, is well-qualified via your state requirements. When we were looking, we made appointments and walked around the daycare across several rooms/classes to see how the kids/staff reacted to each other. This made our decision very easy, it was obvious over the course of a few visits that the kids were happy, the staff were happy, the families were happy.

 

A good daycare is a boon to the child. My son is doing much better than he ever would if I stayed home, or if he stayed during the day with other family caregivers (and two of them offered to keep him during the day.) Daycare is not an automatic negative against the child by any means.

 

The flip side is- could you handle a career-oriented woman who made as much or maybe more than you? That is normally the real challenge in 2013 IMO.

 

I think it is great that you are thinking ahead!