Completely messed up situation

[Idek]

Dday happened and it was understood that we would no longer talk. That didn't last for even a second. We're talking even as he attempts reconciliation with his wife. For me, talking to him eases the pain of this forced ending. I feel like it gets easier everyday, a gradual drifting away versus the initial pain and shock of no contact. I think of him less throughout the day and I sometimes surprise myself by finding that I no longer wait for or anticipate making the next call. But, I also have my moments of weakness as well which is why I still find myself wanting to hear from him.

 

He tells me that he answers no when his wife asks if he misses me and that she thinks its funny that he could talk to someone everyday for x amount of time and not miss them. Unfortunately, she's married to a man who tells me that he misses me and I'm still on his mind all the time, even as he's going through the reconciliation process. I don't take those words to heart. I can't even imagine his wife's reaction if she really knew the depths of his deception or that he is still reaching out to me as she fights tooth and nail for their marriage. I don't understand why he risks moving on and truly healing his marriage by continuing to talk to me (Yes, I do. Cake eater.) He never indicated he wanted to leave and I never asked him or wanted him to. Even as he talks about divorce now, I don't think he's brave enough to leave. Every time that I hear him whine about how horrible it is that his wife is catering to his every need now and that she has only changed her behavior because she found out about his A (yes, this is happening... his lack of empathy for hurting his wife with this A astounds me, even though it shouldn't because, hello, he got involved in an A with me in the first place!) brings me one step closer to getting over him. I'm all over the place right now, I doubt this post made much sense but I've been keeping it bottled up and I needed to get it out.

Edited October 16, 2013 by Idek

[goodyblue]

Well, it sounds like you have a pretty firm grasp on what is happening. I'm sorry that he's being such a cake eater. I feel sorry for his wife, and for you. The difference is, you see it. You know what you're dealing with. Even if you love him, you can move on knowing you did the right thing.

 

Try to stay positive and know you are doing what is best for you. Take care of yourself, that is what is really important right now.

[cat]

Dday happened and it was understood that we would no longer talk. That didn't last for even a second. We're talking even as he attempts reconciliation with his wife. For me, talking to him eases the pain of this forced ending. I feel like it gets easier everyday, a gradual drifting away versus the initial pain and shock of no contact. I think of him less throughout the day and I sometimes surprise myself by finding that I no longer wait for or anticipate making the next call. But, I also have my moments of weakness as well which is why I still find myself wanting to hear from him.

 

He tells me that he answers no when his wife asks if he misses me and that she thinks its funny that he could talk to someone everyday for x amount of time and not miss them. Unfortunately, she's married to a man who tells me that he misses me and I'm still on his mind all the time, even as he's going through the reconciliation process. I don't take those words to heart. I can't even imagine his wife's reaction if she really knew the depths of his deception or that he is still reaching out to me as she fights tooth and nail for their marriage. I don't understand why he risks moving on and truly healing his marriage by continuing to talk to me (Yes, I do. Cake eater.) He never indicated he wanted to leave and I never asked him or wanted him to. Even as he talks about divorce now, I don't think he's brave enough to leave. Every time that I hear him whine about how horrible it is that his wife is catering to his every need now and that she has only changed her behavior because she found out about his A (yes, this is happening... his lack of empathy for hurting his wife with this A astounds me, even though it shouldn't because, hello, he got involved in an A with me in the first place!) brings me one step closer to getting over him. I'm all over the place right now, I doubt this post made much sense but I've been keeping it bottled up and I needed to get it out.

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Your pain sounds so similar to mine. It DOES make sense, only... the truth sucks. The truth is, he's NOT in R since he's actively contacting you. If he were serious about rebuilding his marriage, he would not come within five miles of you. SOunds like good news for you, right??? WRONG. It means he's even more of a liar and more duplicitous than you originally thought.

 

He HAD AN OUT. When she found out about about his A, he could have left and he didn't. So, he's a coward AND a liar. AND-- he has poor coping skills. He fled problems in a marriage because he didn't want to deal, so he found a situation that was easy and he could hide in the addiction.

 

These are not good character attributes. This is a recipe for lifetime of pain.

 

I know that none of this rational thought will take away your pain, and I"m sorry for that. I know that because I'm in it myself. The only thing that will take it away is time and distance. And by distance I mean strict enforcement of NC, even when you really don't want to. Seriously.

 

Hugs to you.

 

Cat

[Idek]

Well, it sounds like you have a pretty firm grasp on what is happening. I'm sorry that he's being such a cake eater. I feel sorry for his wife, and for you. The difference is, you see it. You know what you're dealing with. Even if you love him, you can move on knowing you did the right thing.

 

Try to stay positive and know you are doing what is best for you. Take care of yourself, that is what is really important right now.

 

I definitely see it. And I feel like that makes it worse because how can I "see" it and not be disgusted with myself, with him, with this entire situation and just walk away, never thinking about it/him again? This situation is surreal. Nobody ever thinks they're going to get involved with and develop feelings for someone who is married. How could I be such a willing accomplice to his infidelity? How could I still want to talk to someone who is capable of continuously causing so much selfish and preventable damage to everyone who's involved?

[cat]

I definitely see it. And I feel like that makes it worse because how can I "see" it and not be disgusted with myself, with him, with this entire situation and just walk away, never thinking about it/him again? This situation is surreal. Nobody ever thinks they're going to get involved with and develop feelings for someone who is married. How could I be such a willing accomplice to his infidelity? How could I still want to talk to someone who is capable of continuously causing so much selfish and preventable damage to everyone who's involved?

 

You will never have answers to these questions. Try to accept that. Another One you'll never have an answer to is "how could he stay with her in such an unfulfilling situation?" if you can, stop torturing yourself. You think having those answers will take away the pain. It won't.

 

The only thing that can take away the pain is a long time without contact. And, ironically, that's also what will begin to reveal the answers to your questions.

 

It's really hard. But you should do it.

[cif]

MM stay because they are lazy, weak cowards. Has the wife tried to contact you?

[Idek]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Your pain sounds so similar to mine. It DOES make sense, only... the truth sucks. The truth is, he's NOT in R since he's actively contacting you. If he were serious about rebuilding his marriage, he would not come within five miles of you. SOunds like good news for you, right??? WRONG. It means he's even more of a liar and more duplicitous than you originally thought.

 

He HAD AN OUT. When she found out about about his A, he could have left and he didn't. So, he's a coward AND a liar. AND-- he has poor coping skills. He fled problems in a marriage because he didn't want to deal, so he found a situation that was easy and he could hide in the addiction.

 

These are not good character attributes. This is a recipe for lifetime of pain.

 

I know that none of this rational thought will take away your pain, and I"m sorry for that. I know that because I'm in it myself. The only thing that will take it away is time and distance. And by distance I mean strict enforcement of NC, even when you really don't want to. Seriously.

 

Hugs to you.

 

Cat

 

Your post is every thought that's ran through my mind, verbatim. NC is physically painful. I am a coward when it comes to NC. I'm afraid I'm too weak willed to stay NC. I also know that NC is the only way to break clean and gain strength. It's an inner battle that I fight with myself. Part of me says "Stay strong. You're just uncomfortable, not unable (i swear i read this on the forum somewhere)" and the other part is the devil on my shoulder. I need to work on this.

[Idek]

You did this to yourself.

 

You have no one to blame but yourself which is better than looking for the blame on someone else.

 

This is a golden opportunity for you to grow and become a better person.

 

Your friend is absolute NC.

 

 

Absolutely. Let me clarify when I say, "How could I be such a willing accomplice to his infidelity? How could I still want to talk to someone who is capable of continuously causing so much selfish and preventable damage to everyone who's involved?" I meant that as questioning how could I, personally, choose to willing participate in damaging someone else's relationship. It is not what I intended to do and I blame no one else for my actions. I'm simply questioning my actions, motives, and thought process (obviously i had none) throughout the entire affair. I look back on my past actions (and current) with shame and confusion. I, myself, don't understand the reason as to why I still have the feelings I do after everything that has transpired.

[Idek]

You will never have answers to these questions. Try to accept that. Another One you'll never have an answer to is "how could he stay with her in such an unfulfilling situation?" if you can, stop torturing yourself. You think having those answers will take away the pain. It won't.

 

The only thing that can take away the pain is a long time without contact. And, ironically, that's also what will begin to reveal the answers to your questions.

 

It's really hard. But you should do it.

 

 

Unfortunately, I definitely have the answer to "how could he stay with her in such an unfulfilling situation?" for my situation. I don't wonder about that. He was looking to fill a void, I always knew he would never leave or initiate divorce. It wasn't that I was "okay" with it as much as I accepted it as part of the situation, and I never wanted more. I was so addicted (still am, hence the reluctance to start much needed NC) to the attention, the heightened emotions, and everything else that is characteristic of an affair. I know that you and everyone else are more than right when you say that NC is the answer.

[Idek]

MM stay because they are lazy, weak cowards. Has the wife tried to contact you?

 

No, I have no idea how I would react if she did. I agree with you, but at the same time I don't dwell on why he's staying as I never expected him to leave. I just have feelings of confusion and sadness from the end of the A right now.

Edited October 17, 2013 by Idek

[Idek]

The pain a BS goes through is immeasurable. He saw what this A did to his wife, and he's risking her total humiliation and even more pain and distrust, and for what? If he doesn't love her why is he staying?

 

He is a very cruel person to not only do that to someone, but to tell you about it as if his wife's actions disgust him.

 

this man is selfish to an extreme. I can't think of a thing as cruel as what he's doing to his wife. What an ugly person.

 

 

Of course, and I would never try to downplay the pain of his BS. I didn't see this side of him before dday (even though I am far from innocent, I shouldn't be surprised as he engaged in an A). It is changing any positive feelings I had for him into ones of shame, disgust, and self loathing. I believe that he still loves his wife, regardless of his actions. I also think that he is a cake eater and wants to have it all. I just want to move on. I look forward to the day where I never wonder how he's doing or when the next time I talk to him will be. I look forward to not missing him and the day that he no longer crosses my mind.

[cat]

I look forward to the day where I never wonder how he's doing or when the next time I talk to him will be. I look forward to not missing him and the day that he no longer crosses my mind.

 

Oh dear. Me too. I'm 8 days NC and 8 weeks from the end of our relationship when he went back to his wife. I thought it would be easier by now. He showed me his character while we were together and I ignored it. He's shown it to me more and more since we've been apart and it wasn't until 8 days ago that he said something so offensive and egregious that I told him off. THEN I blocked him on FB, email, etc. Not sure why it took so long and SO MANY HURTS to get to that point.

 

But I'll tell you what-- it hasn't stopped me from thinking about him or missing him. Sometimes when i am lying in bed at night, I imagine him there with me like he was every night when we were together (because he didn't have anywhere else to go! :laugh:)

 

NC is physically painful. I am a coward when it comes to NC. I'm afraid I'm too weak willed to stay NC. I also know that NC is the only way to break clean and gain strength. It's an inner battle that I fight with myself.

 

Yes. It is. It took me a while with the addiction analogy but I'm totally on board now. I want the fix desperately. I really do miss him. But you do have the mental capacity to do it. First step is believing that you can. The physical pain is withdrawal. I know about the inner battle. I have reached out before needing a fix and the response (the hit) is so unfulfilling and I'm disappointed and more hurt... yet I still want more. You CAN get past this. I always think two months is the magic number. The first two months are the hardest.

[sunburned]

Oh dear. Me too. I'm 8 days NC and 8 weeks from the end of our relationship when he went back to his wife. I thought it would be easier by now. He showed me his character while we were together and I ignored it. He's shown it to me more and more since we've been apart and it wasn't until 8 days ago that he said something so offensive and egregious that I told him off. THEN I blocked him on FB, email, etc. Not sure why it took so long and SO MANY HURTS to get to that point.

 

But I'll tell you what-- it hasn't stopped me from thinking about him or missing him. Sometimes when i am lying in bed at night, I imagine him there with me like he was every night when we were together (because he didn't have anywhere else to go! :laugh:)

 

Yes. It is. It took me a while with the addiction analogy but I'm totally on board now. I want the fix desperately. I really do miss him. But you do have the mental capacity to do it. First step is believing that you can. The physical pain is withdrawal. I know about the inner battle. I have reached out before needing a fix and the response (the hit) is so unfulfilling and I'm disappointed and more hurt... yet I still want more. You CAN get past this. I always think two months is the magic number. The first two months are the hardest.

 

 

I also boarded the addiction analogy train when I found LS. But I am at the two month NC mark and was expecting to have arrived in the promised land of Indifference by now. I guess I am just slow, though I have passed the "Feeling Better" and "No Urge to Return" stations!

 

Still NC, but I miss him and think of him often. I'm a runner and just completed my first marathon so I know slow and steady (as in a 12 minute mile) wins the race. Well, actually it doesn't win it, but it gets you across the finish line eventually.