How to deal with the shame and guilt of breaking up a family?

[Tabbimo]

I met my guy about 6 months ago through work. He had a girlfriend of 10 years when we first met and they have a young child together. About 3 months ago, he's decided to leave his girlfriend to be with me. Because we live in different cities about 6 hours away from each other, up until the point of their breakup, we've only met three times and have been intimate once. It was one of those whirlwind kind of love that came out of nowhere and hit us both hard. Feelings built up so quickly that I felt we had little time to react and could only act according to our emotions. I never pushed him to leave her. He said their love has long died and he stayed merely for the comfort, security, and of course, the kid. We've been officially dating for the past 3 months. I've met his family, who's been nothing but warm and welcoming, and he's about to meet mine. Things between us are going well, and I have no doubt in my mind that his love for me is sincere.

 

The guilt and shame I'm feeling for breaking up a family have been really weighing down on me. He and his ex split up their time taking care of the child, and I feel that I've robbed them both of the chance of being a full time parent. He said he's been feeling sad because he misses his daughter on the days when she's with his ex. I'm sure his ex also feels the same when her daughter is with him. I'm responsible for causing grief in three people's lives, not to mention greater financial burden for both him and his ex, and it's against everything that I've ever believed in.

 

The situation is what it is. Decisions have been made and feelings have been hurt. The only thing that I can possibly change is my perspective. So how should I look at myself and at this relationship? How should I deal with this sense of shame and guilt?

[whichwayisup]

I met my guy about 6 months ago through work. He had a girlfriend of 10 years when we first met and they have a young child together. About 3 months ago, he's decided to leave his girlfriend to be with me. Because we live in different cities about 6 hours away from each other, up until the point of their breakup, we've only met three times and have been intimate once. It was one of those whirlwind kind of love that came out of nowhere and hit us both hard. Feelings built up so quickly that I felt we had little time to react and could only act according to our emotions. I never pushed him to leave her. He said their love has long died and he stayed merely for the comfort, security, and of course, the kid. We've been officially dating for the past 3 months. I've met his family, who's been nothing but warm and welcoming, and he's about to meet mine. Things between us are going well, and I have no doubt in my mind that his love for me is sincere.

 

The guilt and shame I'm feeling for breaking up a family have been really weighing down on me. He and his ex split up their time taking care of the child, and I feel that I've robbed them both of the chance of being a full time parent. He said he's been feeling sad because he misses his daughter on the days when she's with his ex. I'm sure his ex also feels the same when her daughter is with him. I'm responsible for causing grief in three people's lives, not to mention greater financial burden for both him and his ex, and it's against everything that I've ever believed in.

 

The situation is what it is. Decisions have been made and feelings have been hurt. The only thing that I can possibly change is my perspective. So how should I look at myself and at this relationship? How should I deal with this sense of shame and guilt?

 

Meet with his ex and talk to her. Because, their child is going to be around you and you'll be a part of their child's life. It is what it is. Unfortunate that he left, that his was decision to do, not yours. Yes, you helped bust up a family unit, but that comes with a price by getting involved with someone you knew who was already with someone for so long and had a child with them. Be honest, speak from your heart, and let her know that you don't intend on taking over her role as a "mom" or cut her out of her childs life (trust me, she's probably thinking along those lines) but you want to just be a part of it all and you're not looking for friendship with her, just a common ground respect to get along for the sake of their child.