Deluded Posted October 17, 2013 Share Posted October 17, 2013 I'm a 47yo male who has been with the same partner who is 45yo, for ~11yrs and married about a year ago. Regardless of the marriage, we have always fought quite a bit and I've become quite tired of the situation. Recently, about 3 months ago, a new woman started in my office. For the first few weeks I didn't even notice her, but eventually through our lunchroom began to discover her. We get on like a house on fire, and I have fallen for her harder than for any previous woman in my life. We have dated a few times and spending time together is very natural. We haven't slept together, or even kissed, and I'm not desperate to do that either, unlike when I was younger. I'm very interested in her as a partner and that obviously means ending my current relationship. She tells me that she is not interested because I'm married, but we chat through communicator at work all day long about everything. Last night I slept with my Wife for the first time in about 6 months and the feelings I had were really strange to me. I felt like I was cheating on the girl from work. I know this is not a normal situation, but would like to her any comments, good or bad. Link to post Share on other sites
kendallk Posted October 17, 2013 Share Posted October 17, 2013 I feel bad for your wife. Divorce her because she deserves better. I think its pretty clear your marriage is over anyway. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Deluded Posted October 17, 2013 Author Share Posted October 17, 2013 Appreciate the honesty in the comments. I agree my Wife deserves better. I also find from pushing discussion with the office girl today, that being married is not the only reason she's not interested. There's an age gap of about 10 years too. To add to the previous information, I'm an Australian living in Japan. Japanese Wife and office girl. So now that it seems nothing will happen with OG, I assume the recommendations are still the same? Ie bust up my relationship because I wanted something to happen? Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted October 17, 2013 Share Posted October 17, 2013 Last night I slept with my Wife for the first time in about 6 months and the feelings I had were really strange to me. I felt like I was cheating on the girl from work. I know this is not a normal situation, but would like to her any comments, good or bad. Now, you're being silly! LOL! No,no,no,no....You're cheating on your WIFE!! You know, the woman that you promise at the altar to love, honor and cherish forever? The one you promised to FORSAKE ALL OTHERS? Your marriage couldn't be that bad if you stayed married to her for 11+ years. Only NOW that you're working on a little side action; well, NOW we fight all the time, never have sex....blah...blah... This is called rewriting your marital history so you don't feel so guilty about what you're doing. If you don't believe me, look it up. Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted October 17, 2013 Share Posted October 17, 2013 You've been with her 11 years, and only been married for 1, and are getting tired of the fighting that has been going on throughout your relationship now? You haven't had sex for 6 months? What possessed you to marry this lady last year whom you fight with constantly, and doesn't fulfill you sexually? Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted October 17, 2013 Share Posted October 17, 2013 Monogamy is a crock ... but it's what you signed up for. Your marriage is empty and has no future from the sounds of it, so get a divorce and get your freedom to do as you please. Cheating is unethical. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted October 17, 2013 Share Posted October 17, 2013 1. You do not need to end your marriage over a close friendship....which is too close. 2. You DO need to cool the friendship with the "office girl." Period. End of story. 3. You do need to rekindle your marriage and move forward together with your wife. If you cannot do #3, then you do need to ask why. Is it worth counseling with her? Could it be that the romantic feelings you have for this girl are because of the anger you have for your wife? How old is the girl? Why have you not had sex with your wife for six months? Because of fighting? If you resolved your marriage so that it was like when you first met, then would you want to leave your wife for this new woman? How well do you know this woman? Why do you feel she is better than your wife (and imagine your wife as when you first met)? Link to post Share on other sites
Raena Posted October 17, 2013 Share Posted October 17, 2013 Goodness! This sounds just like my situation... except I would be the "wife". From my point of view... (and yes, it is jaded by my similar situation) I would bend over backwards to fix whatever it is in your relationship with your wife, if that's possible, or get out now. I think that what you have at this point is an emotional affair that hasn't turned physical yet but it will if you don't do something to stop it now, if not with the OG, then with someone else. Why on earth did you marry her after 10 years of being together if it was so awful? Go to your wife now, and tell her how you are feeling. Get her point of view and then make your decision about what you want to do about it. Sounds to me like you have already checked out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Deluded Posted October 18, 2013 Author Share Posted October 18, 2013 (edited) Firstly I want to add that the depth of responses is very enlightening and that it is now forcing me to think about situation and how I got to this point. Secondly, when I initially I posted I was focussed on the current feelings, so the information provided was quite brief, but there is always a deeper story and history to go with it. Now I will try to add some more information, particularly about the marriage. When we met in Japan, there was definitely attraction and we got along well, and my partner remarked how it was unusual that we weren’t fighting compared to some of her previous relationships. I didn’t pay too much attention to this, and we continued to build the relationship via long distance over time. Eventually, after a few years the opportunity was there so we could live in the same country together (Australia), and it’s where more serious fighting began. We have now lived in Japan for about 5 years and it is here where marriage is seen to be very important for women, socially and for security because of huge inequality between the genders. This I would say as opposed to Australia where being together doesn’t have the same need for marriage necessarily. This is where most of our fighting has centered in the past as I heavily resisted being forced into marriage as I believed I was already committed to her (you can argue later if I was committed why I would end up in this situation), but after going through some counselling, agreed that if I wasn’t totally opposed to it either, then to make her ‘happy’ and hopefully reduce the fighting I would do it. There was no big wedding and vows and family or friends, just signing a few documents at the local government office. Done. That’s it. To a large extent the fighting did subside, but it hasn’t completely gone and after living through the difficult (hell) times of my parents fighting and subsequent divorce, and the 12 years spent living in and out of a children’s home because of it, I’m TIRED of it. Bad choice? Maybe. Can it be fixed and rekindled, perhaps, and it doesn’t mean there haven’t been some wonderful times either, because there have been many, and for the most part I like and respect my partner. We have been through counselling about 6-7 years back for something similar and it worked out ok for a while. I’ve also had two previous relationships of 6 and 9 years and barely even argued let alone fought in those. But now I have obviously reached a point where I am not sure and the grass looked greener on the other side. The mid 30’s office girl has now confirmed she is also not interested because of the age difference, but she has definitely been a catalyst, and it is making me think about why I would choose her now (after about 3 months) over my partner, and if I would make the same choice if it were the beginning of my current relationship… Edited October 18, 2013 by Deluded Removed formatting information Link to post Share on other sites
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