Could my husband be cheating? We've only been married for less than 2 months!

[Myz_Heavenly]

Hey you guys, I hope all of you are doing well.

 

Now here is my story. I just got married not even two months ago, and I am not sure exactly what is going on w/my husband. We are both in college, and unfortunately, are staying in two separate dorms. He treats me okay for the most part, but he seems to be drifting off to the cheating side. ALREADY!! He uses my computer to view pornography, and is connected to so many dating websites that it is ridiculous.

 

I understand that before we met, he was single and was connected to these sites, but he just recently got involved with one, like a couple of days ago. I know this because the user name he has is a name he just obtained this semester as a result of playing sports. I don't want to say anything, but we are supposed to still be newlyweds!

 

These aren't people that he can just chat online with, although that is bad enough. These are people that he can drive to visit b/c they live in the same state, some the same city as both of us. I really don't understand him.

 

Furthermore, there is this girl that he told me was interested in him before we started dating, and I have started noticing her number in his phone recently. He was calling her. Never vice versa. I cannot help but be suspicious, and I hate it, but I can't get down like this. It has always been hard for me to trust guys, and I felt like I had made some type of breakthrough with him on the trust issue. But now...... Any advice? Thanx in advance.

[indigo_moon]

How can you be married yet you're living apart, in separate dorms? That's bizarre.

 

Why did you marry when you're both still in college and obviously not able to live together? Why didn't you wait?

 

What ages are you?

 

How long did you date prior to marrying?

 

Of course it sounds bad......married people, let alone NEWLY married people shouldn't be hanging out on dating sites, nor should other women's #'s be on their phone.

[Myz_Heavenly]

We are living apart because we got married in the middle of the semester. We dated for a few years before we got engaged this past summer. Then we got married over fall break.

[Merin]

Find your voice sister!

 

You are MARRIED to this guy.. him being on dating sites and calling some girl he may have an interest in isn't okay.

 

It is going to be better to find out RIGHT NOW IF you cannot trust him then to invest more of your time, love, hopes and dreams into a guy who isn't doing the right things for you.

 

Talk to him!

[indigo_moon]

Sorry, I still don't get it. The first year of marriage is an adjustment for every couple.....why did you have to get married when you knew full well that you wouldn't be able to live together - as married couples should/do? It's not normal or healthy for a newly married couple to have to live apart ...........

 

You didn't mention your ages..........

 

So what was the rush to get married? Couldn't you have waited until such times as you'd be able to live together?

[Myz_Heavenly]

Oh and we are both 21 and nearly about to graduate. We are plannin on getting an apartment soon. We originally planned to get married after we graduated, but there is the possibility that he may have to go Iraq, and we just didn't want to wait. Our dorms are prepaid, and it is hard to get an apartment where we live at this time of the year b/c a lot of students have occupied them, as well as soldiers who are preparing to ship off to Iraq. So, we decided to wait until this summer when a lot of contracts will be up and we will not lose a huge deposit on a dorm room; two of them.

[indigo_moon]

And there is simply no way at all that you 2 can't live together? There is no way you 2 can live together and rent our the other's dorm room to someone else? Are you able to spend quality time together? Isn't it so so hard not to be able to sleep together each night? (I'm not talking sex necessarily, I'm talking about the closeness and cuddling and "talking" at the end of each day type stuff). How many more months do you have to go before you can be together?

 

I don't know what to suggest...........it's just not a good scene for a young, newly married couple to be living this way..........particularly given his bad behavior. You need to confront him on it, though............why haven't you? A married man has NO business going to these places online. Why haven't you busted his b*lls for this? Have you ever said anything? Don't be a doormat. Is there a priest or pastor or someone you can go talk to, about how difficult things are and your "findings"? I think you need some guidance from someone trained to give just that.......particularly when it comes to marriage.

 

how is your marriage otherwise? Do you at least see each other daily? Are you EVER able to sleep together?

[Myz_Heavenly]

The university that I attend is not co-ed in any form or fashion. I stay in a female dorm and he in a male one. We have rules, and he can only be in my room from 12 noon till 12 a.m. I got busted once for sneaking him in, but I had to do it. Also, there was a deadline in October to get rid of your room or move. And yes, yes, yes, I hate that I can't sleep next to him every night. I live only a few hours from home, so sometimes we'll go to my parent's home on weekends just to spend the entire night together. And you're right; it's certainly not all about sex, because I was a virgin before we got married. (I'm C.O.G.I.C.) I see him everyday for lunch, and we usually spend afternoons together, if we're not in meetings or something.We have hardly spent any time together over the past few weeks, and I'm trying to understand with finals coming up. Sometimes when I do spend time with him, he watches television the ENTIRE time, or is passed out. What is with all of this sleep? We usually go to bed around the same time, assumedly b/c we usually fall asleep on the phone, and it's usually around 1 or 2 in the a.m. I have to get up every morning @ 6 for work, but the earliest he gets up is 9, but mostly at 10. NEwayz...

 

However, he has an issue with expressing his emotions-he's admitted it himself-and when I get the courage to talk to him about things that he and I both know are important to the relationship, he seems to lose his ability to think coherently and really discuss the issue. I've gotten to the point where I hardly say anything, and he'll ask what is wrong, but I can't seem to put it into simple enough terms for him. We have until May until we get an apartment.

[indigo_moon]

Originally posted by Myz_Heavenly

 

However, he has an issue with expressing his emotions-he's admitted it himself-and when I get the courage to talk to him about things that he and I both know are important to the relationship, he seems to lose his ability to think coherently and really discuss the issue. I've gotten to the point where I hardly say anything, and he'll ask what is wrong, but I can't seem to put it into simple enough terms for him.

 

So given the above, do you think then that it was a wise idea to marry someone who has issues with expression emotions, who you have to muster up courage to discuss things with, who can't think coherently enough to really discuss issues?

 

What do you mean by you can't put things into simple enough terms for him? He's a 21 yr old man - not an 8 yr old...........are you sure you can't "get" things or could it be a case where he plays dumb so that you'll not bring things up?

 

I still think counselling would be beneficial............the first year of marriage is the most difficult for a couple.......and it's even more difficult given your situation. You need to do something now before things get worse.

 

Does he ever tell you he loves you? More importantly, does he SHOW YOU? Does he seem happy being married?

 

GOtta tell ya, 21 is young to be married these days.........people that age still have so much growing and changing to do. Men grow up less quickly..........most want to "sow their wild oats" well into the mid to late 20s.

 

You 2 really need to learn how to communicate....you avoiding the issues and him not being able to express himself is a recipe for divorce, I hate to say. I think you need someone who can guide you.................do you have close family or family friends who are married who can give you advice and be sort of "marriage role models"??

[Myz_Heavenly]

Yes, he tells me he loves me many times over the course of a day. I used to have no doubt in my mind that he did, but now I wonder if it is simply a guilt trip on his part. Yes, I can explain simply enough, so I believe that he does just try to avoid some issues. As for counseling, I'm sure he wouldn't go for it b/c he's one of those types who prob'ly just don't see a problem. And yes again, he does have some growing up to do. There are many things that I'm realizing about him that I didn't see before, but sometimes people keep things hidden until they feel it is safe to show true colors. I'm going to keep a close watch on him anyway, and see what develops. I'm sorry to say that my trust in him is slowly waning, but I would never give up on my marriage; I took those vows, and I plan to live by those vows.

[SoleMate]

I too find myself scratching my head and wondering why you married. I understand the housing problems, and the chance that he may go to Iraq. Lots of people DELAY marriage before a possible deployment, so the partner at home does not have to run the extra (?) painful risk of becoming an official widow/widower at a very young age. At least, that's the way my greataunt and greatuncle decided back in WWII days.

 

There are so many problems here. It's clear you didn't talk ahead of time, effectively, about what marriage would mean to each of you and what the "rules" and expectations would be. It's absolutely NOT OK for him to be more interested in the dating sites than you. In fact, he shouldn't be on dating sites at ALL, period. That makes it seem that he is still looking around and hasn't settled on one woman in his heart. Think about it from YOUR perspective: if you were still actively hunting local, hot men on the dating sites, you KNOW that would be an indicator in your heart that your husband was not #1 in your mind. If he can't give up his dating sites, then he was NOT READY for marriage.

 

...he tells me he loves me many times over the course of a day...

OK, that's a start. But how many times does he SHOW you he loves you? (Without the ACTIONS, I'm afraid the WORDS are not really to be trusted.) He could do this by spending time with you instead of with cybersex/romance, by listening to you without barriers, by talking with you, by making it clear that he has taken serious action to get rid of past girlfriends, staying conscious when he spends time with you, and maybe moving the TV down a bit in his priority list. He could even do proactive things to understand your desires as a newlywed and fulfill them. I'm sure you're not too demanding - just a few considerate gestures, a backrub, an unexpected dinner he cooks for you, a small bouquet to brighten up your room, or maybe just taking an afternoon where he makes you #1 would probably put a huge smile on your face.

 

Military people are at HIGH risk for infidelity. There are lots of "deployment affairs", where lonely, scared, bored people turn for comfort to another member of the military. Most such affairs break up naturally with the return home, but some do last. With his behavior patterns, your H is at high risk for such affairs. Could you accept that? Have you talked to him about the temptations he will face? Will he be stronger against those temptations than he has resisting the dating sites? I doubt it.

 

Honey, you're just 21. You may have been too young to choose a life partner, and you're definitely way too young to settle for married life with a man who is letting you down like this, this soon. Counselling is definitely in order. And please use two methods of birth control, which keeps you from being tied forever to a man who is not putting you #1.

 

I'm very worried for you. I fear that there is a lot of pain in your future.

 

BTW, what's C.O.G.I.C.?

[Myz_Heavenly]

We usually spend quality time together, but not a lot recently. C.O.G.I.C. is the Church of God In Christ. A Pentecostal denomination. we don't do a lot together besides spend time b/c I'm kind of introverted and he's the outgoing one in the relationship.