I slept with ex BF but I was the dumpee. Respond!

[kinder]

I will make this brief for everyone sake. My ex-boyfriend broke up with me approx. 5 months ago and it has been pure hell. His friends (which at the time I thought they were mine but never were) and his family have all turned on me and had started many rumors about me. He was nice for the first couple days after he broke it off and then a complete dick. By the way we lived together for 1.5 years and were together for almost 3years. He never could give me a reason for why we broke up but did awhile ago. He said it was becasue his parents and I couldn't get along. His parents have not been able to let him go at the age of 30.

 

He has said he wants to be friends but I told him I was not ready for this and he was okay with that. I have seen him out a couple of times and when he would say hi I would be rude or ignore him but he still insist on saying hi. The last time I saw him out we hung out and he was flirting, laughing and having fun with me. He would get rude little comments in but I would after he did. He told me things like he missed me, cared about me but doesn't love me. He said we had a good relationship, had a lot of fun, and that he will never forgot how good it was. At the same time this night he also said that we never could get along when we were together.

 

At the end of the night we ended up sleeping together and he said that by us sleeping together it was not going to mean we were getting back together. I understood that at the time but now I am all fuc----d up. I can't stop thinking about him again and I still love him dearly.

 

The funny thing about all this is that we have been going through lawyers since we broke up and we go to court soon. He told me that I deserve to win and he knows I will.

 

Does he really miss me?

 

Does he think perhaps he made the wrong decision about breaking up with me?

 

I think he used me and could care less about my feelings but other people that he knows have said things to me about how he is being mean to cover up his feelings.

 

ANy comments or suggestions. I am so so so so confused and I obviously not stupid enough to call him and actually refuse to do so.

 

Do I still say hi to him if I see him out or walk away?

[Merin]

Wh t?

 

This is Your EX Boyfriend right? Why are the 2 of you going to court?

 

Wow..

 

Well other than the court thing.. I don't understand what thats all about...

 

The rest..

 

It sounds to me that during your relationship with this guy you had a lot of problems.. he says the 2 of you could never get along.. so there is probably some truth to that..

 

His parents.. my instincts would tell me that his parents didn't or don't care for you based on information HE gave to them regarding you during the relationship and certainly after it ended.

 

Honestly.. I don't think he could've made things more clear to you when he told you that just because the 2 of you were intimate again DIDN'T and DOESN'T mean you are getting back together..

 

Regardless of what his friends tell you about why he does what he does.. he's a grown man.. and HE has made the decision not to reconcile.

 

I can understand why this has left you feeling not so great.. only thing to do at this point IMO is leave things alone.. don't have sex with him again.. and resolve the other issue(s) whatever they may be once you go to court.

 

Good Luck

[spiceman]

I agree with Merin also....

 

I am a guy and I know alot of guys...lol

 

Anyway, I think he is keeping you on the hook as a sex buddy. Keeping you confused with your feelings makes it easier for him to manipulate you the way that works best for him.

 

Doing what he is doing is not the role of a REAL MAN, LEAVE the dick and get your life back on track.

[LucreziaBorgia]

He likes you and likes being able to sleep with you while having no commitment to you whatsoever. He's more than happy to have sex with you, but it sounds like he isn't really interested in having an actual relationship with you. When he tells you things like

 

he said that by us sleeping together it was not going to mean we were getting back together

 

it means exactly what it sounds like it means. He's not covering for anything to be mean, he was just happy he got to have sex with you, and doesn't want you to get any ideas from it.

 

He told me that I deserve to win and he knows I will

 

I imagine he said that because he wants to look noble - making him look like some sort of "good guy". Don't let one line like this change the fact that he gave you a lame excuse for breaking up with you for no good reason, and then was a 'complete dick' to you while allowing those around him to spread awful rumors about you - and then had the nerve to sleep with you and tell you that you still aren't worth having a real relationship with.

 

When you see him, you can be friendly and let him know that you really can't handle being his 'bed buddy' because you still have feelings for him. You can let him know that while you are putting your heart back together you'd rather he just leave you alone. Then say your goodbyes and move on.

[kinder]

Hello, Thank you all for your opinions they really truly help. I am still so confused since this has happened. i was doing so good with getting on with my life and then I ended up with him again for one night. I am so mad at myself and feel used. I am a better person then that and deserve so much more. I suppose he will think he can do it again. A guy he works with was telling my friend that he is saying rude things to me because he is covering up his true feelings. he said that he should not say things to make me mad because he doesn't really want to make me mad but is. He also told her that he misses me and that he made the wrong decision. This guy also said taht he can't believe he let his parents get in the middle of his relationship and actually allowed it. He has no balls I guess.

 

I'm livid!!!!!!!!!!! Does he not care that he hurt me so much already and then comes and does what he did the other night. I hate myself for even hanging out and whatever with him. JERK!!!!!!!!!!

[Weird]

pretty much agree with what the others have said. The guy is a prick

[Chris_T.]

I just had a similar thing happen to me. Basically my ex was stringing me along, started sleeping with me again and then one day last week comes the dreaded "I have to tell you something" crap. She's been dating and sleeping with someone else the whole time she was stringing me along. It makes you feel dirty and used, I know how you feel.

[Universe]

There's nothing left for you to contemplate. Get this jerk out of your life and get straight to work on moving on. I know it hurts. My girlfriend of 5 years just left me and went straight to someone else. It's hell for sure. But you have to weather the storm. There are some cases where people should try to get back together with someone who left them. But yours is definitely not one of them.

Don't worry about anything anyone says about him or what "he really means." It's all BS and he doesn't deserve anymore of your time and least of all use of your body.

You need to relax, calm down, and figure out what your love really is and what it means to you. Then you need to apply that love to yourself and give yourself all the attention that you've been giving to him. Then you'll start to see that your love is worth far more than what this jackoff is offering (which is nothing but cruelty). Once you do that, he'll likely come crawling back, but you won't want him anymore because you'll have realized what a waste of your time he's already been.

 

All the best.

[kinder]

Thank you so much for all the advice evryone.

[kinder]

After sleeping with him that night I ran into him. I was with my friends and he was with friends. I enjoyed myself but him and his friends kept starring at me and talking about me (whispering) and then his friends were beings jerks to me. He would not even say anything to them for them to be quiet. Anyhow he never even said hi or anything to me. Why did he come back and screw with my head after 4 months of being more then a jerk? I still freakin' love him and can't help it.

 

If he missed me then other night and wanted to see what he missed did I mess it all up if he was thinking of reconciling by sleeping with him. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Universe]

Believe me. BELIEVE ME! I KNOW it is hard. But you have to calm down. Take some deep breaths...in and out. I'm serious. Breathe in and breathe out. Relax.

 

now listen

 

You do not want to reconcile with this guy. I am a guy. I know other guys. I know the innerworkings of the male mind. Some women (and men too) will have you believe that ALL MEN ARE ASSH*LES. A lot of men are. A whole lot of men are. Maybe even most men. But not all men. Most men who ARE assh*les get away with it and are encouraged to continue because of girls like you. You're letting him walk all over you. You're letting him walk all over you and you need to stop! You don't have to take it anymore.

I promise you are going to get over him and you will feel so humiliated by how much you tried to get him back when he was so clearly a huge loser and not worth a second more of your time.

 

He does not respect you. I repeat: He does NOT respect you. You cannot love someone you don't respect.

And he will never respect you as long as he knows that he can still mess with your mind.

I promise, I do not give this type of advice often. I normally can see why people want to reconcile as I do. I'm usually more encouraging in that respect. But the facts you've described about your case are pretty extreme.

 

I don't believe you really love him. You think you do. But I think that you don't really love yourself enough. You have to love yourself completely before you can love someone else. It's not narcisism. It's self respect.

 

I know it hurts. I know it hurts real bad. But no matter how you slice it, you need to put your energy into yourself and not him. Even if you want to go ahead and still try and get him back, the only way you'll ever do it is to stay away from him for a while and work on your own issues. You can't contact him. You must be completely indifferent to all things him. You need to focus on yourself for a good while. Start working out every day. Go make friends. Volunteer at a charity group and a community thing. Meet people. Make friends. Take a class. Do the things YOU want to do.

 

When he sees this, he'll come crawling back. But you're many months away from that. At that time you'll probably realize that he's not worth your time. But who knows. Maybe he'll have changed. Maybe you'll still like him. But don't worry about it. You'll be better off in either case. I promise you will.

 

Did you mess up your chances of reconciling by sleeping with him? Of course you did. But trust me, you don't want to reconcile with this loser right now anyway.

 

You seem like a really sweet girl. Don't let people take advantage of you like that. Your love is too special to let it go to waste.

 

Be strong. I know you can.

 

All the best.

[kinder]

Thank you so much for your reply. It helps out when you can hear or I guess read other peoples views.

 

Anyone else have an opinion?

[bebop]

Well, without getting into a long thing here, I years ago was deeply involved with a guy who treated me horribly, drove me crazy, and I spent years being sure he was the love of my life. How pitiful is that? The relationship was primarily sex/chemistry driven, we were forever falling into the sack constantly regardless of where the relationship was at, and not to sound cliche here but I had to take a good long look at myself and why I was participating in such a damaging thing. Not until I wrenched myself out of it by sheer mindforce, dropped him, and spent that time fixing ME did I get clear of it. Today I look back and thank the stars that I did. I haven't even thought of him in years now, and never will I engage in such a destructive thing again.

[kinder]

Just out of curiosity can anyone (like guys) tell me perhaps how my ex is feeling? Just by the way he is acting. It doesn't make sense. For the longest time he would not speak to me, then he did, then he didn't, then we slept together (stupid of me), and once again no contact ( we never speak on the phone but see each other out in the same place). I think perhaps he may confused or may think he made the wrong decision about getting rid of me. It is too late to come back to me but I was just wondering.

[Universe]

I'm kicking myself because I saw this girl at Borders who I was really attracted to. I caught her checking me out and I was digging her. I hesitated to try and talk to her because I was afraid of what it would do to my chances of getting back with my ex. By the time I got all that out of my head and worked up the courage to go talk to her, she had left. Hesitation is my arch-nemesis!

 

Kinder,

There's no way to know what he's thinking. No one can tell you that but him. But he knows he can get you back whenever he wants and he knows he can probably get you to sleep with him whenever he wants. So there isn't much incentive for him to change the existing situation. He's probably thinking, consciously or subconsciously, that he wants the freedom of being single and if he gets tired of that he can always go back to you.

Other than that, there's no way to know.

But more importantly, you need to not concern yourself with his thoughts and feelings. Get them out of your head. Worrying about such things can only do you harm regardless of what your true goals are. It IS unhealthy for you to try and guess how he feels. You need to worry about how you feel.

I'm constantly in pain since me and ex broke up. When I found out she slept with someone else the pain multiplied by a thousand. But I've forced myself to not try and wonder what she's doing or thinking or f*cking. It can only debilitate me. Instead I'm focussing entirely on my own feelings and my own needs and my own love. Not hers. And it's worked wonders. I'm still in pain, but I'm feeling better about myself and who I am becoming. It's been very empowering and very educational.

 

Good luck, Kinder.

You'll pull through.

[helena abadi]

Mr Universe, your points of view are really appreciated, and they make me feel a whole lot better. I can relate to a lot of things you said to Kinder. They apply to me too. Getting a guy's point of view is so important, and it's difficult to get a good objective one, in this situation. Women really know so little, at times, about how a guy views these things. I have to stop being an a**hole to myself. too. Thanks a lot for your honesty.

[desparate]

As a guy I can tell you what I think he is doing. He is controlling you by not letting you move on. It seems like he doesn't truly want you in the way you want but wants to keep you hanging on. Other that getting his rocks off with you he wants to keep you stuck on him. What he is doing is just plain cruel and makes all of us men look like a**holes.

 

You are allowing him to do this to you. I know it's hard right now but he is taking away your self-respect and playing with your emotions. My advice is don't give him the time of day no matter what he says or does. When he sees that he can't control you anymore he will come back and tell you all the thngs you want to hear. Don't believe him he will just be trying to control you again.

 

Good luck and be strong.

[helena abadi]

Desperate, One of the big advantages of a forum like this is you get opinions that you would otherwise never get, or seek, in the real world. I don't know any guys well enough to ask their opinions and viewpoints on such personal matters, so this is an education, and it is empowering just to read what you have to say.

[Universe]

Originally posted by desparate

What he is doing is just plain cruel and makes all of us men look like a**holes.

 

Right on! These guys ruin the rep of all men. But I must say, from what I've seen, both sexes do this. It's not just men. There are some real a**hole women out there.

 

The real important thing is that you learn to love and respect yourself enough that your ex cannot manipulate or abuse you. Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Your ex will always, and should always, have the power to leave you forever. And there's nothing you can do about it. You should repect that. If you love them, you'll give them that power. But if you love yourself, you'll give yourself the same power. Your ex won't be attracted to you and love in any meaningful way unless you can empower yourself in that way. And any attempt to pretend to have been empowered in that way will be transparent. You must be honest with them and you can't do that until you've been honest with yourself.

 

enough. I'm getting redundant.

 

Who am I anyway? You never know who's really giving advice on these things. I'm still unsuccesful in winning my ex back. But I feel better about myself and I feel empowered. I'm to the point now that I know I'm not ready to get back with her even if she wanted to (though I'd probably be easily seduced.) Point is, I feel good about being on my own now. It's a good thing. You need to feel good about yourself as a single before you can take on the responsibility of truly loving another.

 

Good luck. You never know how great your heart is until it's been broken.

[helena abadi]

It's time I got angry instead of whining and wimpy and told him to STAY THE F**K OUT OF MY LIFE. Oh, that feels better already.

[ziggue]

Don't let your Ex know that he can have you any time he wants. He is only ringing you because he knows that is the case and is taking advantage of it.

 

Be strong girl. You'll get there. I have been where you are and I got through it. It will take time (it did for me) but in the end you will find someone you deserve. That happened to me too.

 

I'm wondering why you have to take him to court too...

[kinder]

thank you for all your help.