EX threatened to call the cops

[Trimmer]

I actually dont get why they have to be strangers. I would keep contact with my ex bfs if im the dumper. that is , if they want to contact me. I would not contact them and give them false hope but if they are fine tuen I would not have a problem talking to them. ur gf is probably not a truely nice girl

And it's absolutely your right to set that boundary wherever you want it.

 

But the point is, the OP's ex set a boundary, and she has a right to do that. It's a fair discussion whether she is overreacting now, but she still has a right to say: don't contact me.

 

And while we're all assuming she's crazy and overreacting, it does give me pause that even after she told him unambiguously never to contact her again or she would take action, he contacted her again. Makes me wonder if this "boundary-stepping-over" has been a fixture in their interactions, and maybe she's not so completely crazy after all? I'm not saying I'm sure - just that I reserve judgement.

[JoelBarish]

It's like once they don't want anything from you anymore, they show you who they really are and that person is unrecognizable to you.

[crazybestie101]

She used to care so much for me and tell me she really likes me and loves me....then all of the sudden she changed into this. That's what makes it so hard...that's why I tried so much to reach her before, hoping to understand why her feelings changed so fast. I don't get it, maybe you're not suppose to get it..... I can't believe she said she wants to sit down and talk only to change her mind a few days later to I don't want to talk nor be with u....I'm calling the cops bs

 

I'm moving out of state tomorrow, I hope things get better.

 

My ex was also so much caring, he never let me cry. He used to tell me i should be strong women. He told me no matter what he is going to be there for me. But all that changed and when i reached out to him just now , it all got even worse( ready my recent post). So ya after break dumper changes , gets all the power treats dumpee like crap. They no longer care about you since they lost interest in you. I dont know what else to say. I always tried to understand his post BU behavior but i cant seem to get it. It is out of blue . Honestly , you should just leave her alone , may be after few months she will realize. Dont rely on it just move on. I dont understand why you have to move out of state. You dont need to change places for her , just change your behavior , more than enough..

[Stealth3]

I am moving for a new promotion which I got when we were still together. At the time the decision wasn't final and I wanted to talk to her about it but didn't get the chance. She insisted me getting the job had nothing to do with the breakup and months ago she said she would move with me if I got it.

 

Your right about not understanding their behavior....

[aybc123]

My ex was also so much caring, he never let me cry. He used to tell me i should be strong women. He told me no matter what he is going to be there for me. But all that changed and when i reached out to him just now , it all got even worse( ready my recent post). So ya after break dumper changes , gets all the power treats dumpee like crap. They no longer care about you since they lost interest in you. I dont know what else to say. I always tried to understand his post BU behavior but i cant seem to get it. It is out of blue . Honestly , you should just leave her alone , may be after few months she will realize. Dont rely on it just move on. I dont understand why you have to move out of state. You dont need to change places for her , just change your behavior , more than enough..

 

I guess that answers my question then that guys do this sometimes too. Im actually starting to think that maybe it's a power thing, it is said that you can tell what a person is like by how they treat a person beneath them. I guess in this isolated situation a dumper would consider the dumped beneath them (not in a horrible way, but they have the power). So perhaps when this kind of thing happens you're just seeing what a person who doesn't usually have any power is really like (for better or worse). I definitely think I will be asking what kind of relationship my next gf has with her exes and if she says they're all a bunch of losers that she doesn't speak to I will be running a mile.

 

I have to say though, reading all of these stories has made me feel better because before I thought it was just me and I must've done something terrible to be treated this way, but now i realise that being a monster towards your ex appears to just be how a significant minority of people deal with dumping someone.

Edited October 17, 2013 by aybc123

[mtnbiker3000]

It's like once they don't want anything from you anymore, they show you who they really are and that person is unrecognizable to you.

 

Yup. And this is just so hard to deal with. Makes my heart cold and hard.

[Stealth3]

Well, at least I'm not the only one in this boat. I think its the way the society teaches people to deal with breaking up these days. Breakup and act like a monster towards eachother. She even told me before that she is acting like a bitch so that I just stop trying to talk to her.... What she doesn't know is she wasn't acting....u can't act this **** out.

[aybc123]

Well, at least I'm not the only one in this boat. I think its the way the society teaches people to deal with breaking up these days. Breakup and act like a monster towards eachother. She even told me before that she is acting like a bitch so that I just stop trying to talk to her.... What she doesn't know is she wasn't acting....u can't act this **** out.

 

yup, I think it's probably especially prevalent with girls because they're going to ask their friendship groups about what to do and you can imagine them saying 'just ignore him he'll get over it' to their friends it's acceptable, they have no emotional ties or history with you but your ex buys into their advice and treats you in a way that because of who she is, is horrendous.

 

Some people here even seem to think it's ok, 'it's their choice' well yes it is their choice, but what does it say about them? Even a stranger deserves to be treated with dignity and respect, someone you were in a serious relationship with deserves much more. Cutting contact as the dumper is pretty much always a sign of selfishness or cowardice.

[Simon Phoenix]

Cutting contact as the dumper is pretty much always a sign of selfishness or cowardice.

 

Actually, this is the most helpful thing a dumper can do for a dumpee. Does it suck initially? Yes, of course. But in the long run, this helps the dumpee move on much quicker than cosmetically wanting to be "friends" or giving out breadcrumbs that elicit false hope.

[crazybestie101]

Actually, this is the most helpful thing a dumper can do for a dumpee. Does it suck initially? Yes, of course. But in the long run, this helps the dumpee move on much quicker than cosmetically wanting to be "friends" or giving out breadcrumbs that elicit false hope.

 

Welll may be yes but the pain and stress that brings is not easy to bear. In my case , i am in my junior year in college. After what my ex just did , its kind of hard to pay attention to anything . School , work , you name it. Every moment of my day goes in to why he did this to me. When i try to study , i always google about such articles to get help. Clearly , i am distracted and i am not progressing in life after spending so much money in school. And he is enjoying his life out there , ignoring my pain. So may be good in long run but whats point of it when you actually lost a lot of things in life in midst of this.

[Simon Phoenix]

Welll may be yes but the pain and stress that brings is not easy to bear. In my case , i am in my junior year in college. After what my ex just did , its kind of hard to pay attention to anything . School , work , you name it. Every moment of my day goes in to why he did this to me. When i try to study , i always google about such articles to get help. Clearly , i am distracted and i am not progressing in life after spending so much money in school. And he is enjoying his life out there , ignoring my pain. So may be good in long run but whats point of it when you actually lost a lot of things in life in midst of this.

 

There's going to be pain no matter what. That's unavoidable. You'd be going through the same hell if he stayed in contact with you -- however, it would be extended longer than this pain. Think of it like jumping into a cold pool of water vs. wading in slowly. If you jump in, it will be cold as hell at the beginning but you'll get used to it quicker and adjust. If you walk in slowly, it won't feel as cold right away, but that cold will stay around longer and continue to build in strength until you finally tire of it and just immerse yourself in the water.

[JoelBarish]

Actually, this is the most helpful thing a dumper can do for a dumpee. Does it suck initially? Yes, of course. But in the long run, this helps the dumpee move on much quicker than cosmetically wanting to be "friends" or giving out breadcrumbs that elicit false hope.

 

It may be helpful to the dumpee in the long run to be pushed away from the ex but it doesn't immediately have to turn hostile on their part. I would have much preferred my ex talk to me face to face and talk over why NC is necessarily. You can say they don't owe that respect but I disagree. I believe after all the time and emotions you have invested in each other that it is reasonable to expect a mature conversation. If I were the dumper, I would give that respect to anyone I am involved with...to a point.

 

If the dumper has been clear about not wanting contact from the dumpee and the dumpee repeatedly ignores those wishes, then I could understand the dumper acting hostile. But until and unless the dumpee crosses that line, a little respect from the dumper would be nice.

[Simon Phoenix]

It may be helpful to the dumpee in the long run to be pushed away from the ex but it doesn't immediately have to turn hostile on their part. I would have much preferred my ex talk to me face to face and talk over why NC is necessarily. You can say they don't owe that respect but I disagree. I believe after all the time and emotions you have invested in each other that it is reasonable to expect a mature conversation. If I were the dumper, I would give that respect to anyone I am involved with...to a point.

 

If the dumper has been clear about not wanting contact from the dumpee and the dumpee repeatedly ignores those wishes, then I could understand the dumper acting hostile. But until and unless the dumpee crosses that line, a little respect from the dumper would be nice.

 

It'd be nice, but it wouldn't help. I'm not saying the dumper should act like a di*k -- I'm just saying that the "mature conversation" isn't going to make things one iota better for the dumpee at all. You're still dumped -- nothing the dumper can say or not say doesn't make it any easier for the dumpee. I mean, either way you are still fired.

[aybc123]

Actually, this is the most helpful thing a dumper can do for a dumpee. Does it suck initially? Yes, of course. But in the long run, this helps the dumpee move on much quicker than cosmetically wanting to be "friends" or giving out breadcrumbs that elicit false hope.

 

do you honestly think that that is what someone who does this has in mind though? And I disagree. Whilst I agree that offering false hope by sending mixed signals is the worst thing you can do at least being polite but firm is the best. Honestly just ask yourself how you would want to be treated? Personally all I would want is respect and honesty instead of ignoring someone who says something like 'i still love you' you just say 'i'm sorry i dont feel that way anymore and wont again' if someone then asks 'did it not mean anything to you?' you just say 'yes it did but i've moved on and you need to as well, i'm not going to reply to any further questions not because i hate you or don't care but because it's for the best until you have fully moved on'. But those kind of things are difficult to say so people are either wishy washy and try to be friends or just ignore the issue completely, both of which are easy ways out.

 

Trying to stay friends means the person has false hope but ignoring completely and not even saying why just creates its own problems such as lowering the persons self-esteem/worth

[Simon Phoenix]

do you honestly think that that is what someone who does this has in mind though? And I disagree. Whilst I agree that offering false hope by sending mixed signals is the worst thing you can do at least being polite but firm is the best. Honestly just ask yourself how you would want to be treated? Personally all I would want is respect and honesty instead of ignoring someone who says something like 'i still love you' you just say 'i'm sorry i dont feel that way anymore and wont again' if someone then asks 'did it not mean anything to you?' you just say 'yes it did but i've moved on and you need to as well, i'm not going to reply to any further questions not because i hate you or don't care but because it's for the best until you have fully moved on'. But those kind of things are difficult to say so people are either wishy washy and try to be friends or just ignore the issue completely, both of which are easy ways out.

 

Trying to stay friends means the person has false hope but ignoring completely and not even saying why just creates its own problems such as lowering the persons self-esteem/worth

 

Of course it's the easy way out -- never claimed otherwise. I'm sure there are dumpers that do it because they are looking out for the dumpee, but most that stay away do so to avoid confrontation. Because no matter how nice and upfront they can be, the dumpee is going to come at them with a) extreme sadness b) begging or c) anger. A "respectful" break doesn't help either the dumper or the dumpee and I think any dumpee that says otherwise is lying to themselves out of emotion. I used to think the way you do, but I realize in the end, it's pretty much all the same. In fact, I prefer the dumper to do something that pisses me off instead of being "nice" and "respectful", because I can make a much cleaner break in my mind that way.

 

Honestly, I wouldn't care which way a dumper "dumped" me. Why? Because no matter what road I traveled, I end up in the same place.

[aybc123]

Of course it's the easy way out -- never claimed otherwise. I'm sure there are dumpers that do it because they are looking out for the dumpee, but most that stay away do so to avoid confrontation. Because no matter how nice and upfront they can be, the dumpee is going to come at them with a) extreme sadness b) begging or c) anger. A "respectful" break doesn't help either the dumper or the dumpee and I think any dumpee that says otherwise is lying to themselves out of emotion. I used to think the way you do, but I realize in the end, it's pretty much all the same. In fact, I prefer the dumper to do something that pisses me off instead of being "nice" and "respectful", because I can make a much cleaner break in my mind that way.

 

Honestly, I wouldn't care which way a dumper "dumped" me. Why? Because no matter what road I traveled, I end up in the same place.

 

Ah well I disagree but if that's how you feel then fair enough, i've managed to have amicable breakups before on both sides of the fence and even years later feel better for doing so. Like i said i actually think ignoring someone is fair enough and probably the best way if you dont want to keep rehashing things with an ex who doesnt let go, but telling someone that's what you're doing beforehand and that it doesn't mean you suddenly hate them would go a long way towards avoiding a lot of hurt, and yes i think everyone has a responsibility to avoid hurting people whenever possible even if it isn't easy, not just exes but literally anyone you meet.

[JoelBarish]

It'd be nice, but it wouldn't help. I'm not saying the dumper should act like a di*k -- I'm just saying that the "mature conversation" isn't going to make things one iota better for the dumpee at all. You're still dumped -- nothing the dumper can say or not say doesn't make it any easier for the dumpee. I mean, either way you are still fired.

 

Yes, it would be nice...but it isn't a perfect world.

 

If it would be helpful or not depends on the dumpee. I know that in my case I would better understand where the BU was coming from instead seemingly out of nowhere. Now I am left will all these questions with few answers so I have no choice but to get over it regardless of my mind wandering and searching for answers.

 

However, you are correct that to some dumpees it wouldn't matter at all. They would be too caught up in the pain and the loss to understand things logically. Still, it would be nice if the dumper wasn't so hostile.

[Simon Phoenix]

Ah well I disagree but if that's how you feel then fair enough, i've managed to have amicable breakups before on both sides of the fence and even years later feel better for doing so. Like i said i actually think ignoring someone is fair enough and probably the best way if you dont want to keep rehashing things with an ex who doesnt let go, but telling someone that's what you're doing beforehand and that it doesn't mean you suddenly hate them would go a long way towards avoiding a lot of hurt, and yes i think everyone has a responsibility to avoid hurting people whenever possible even if it isn't easy, not just exes but literally anyone you meet.

 

I can't say that any of my mean breakups would have been less painful if they were nicer and vice versa. I've only had one real "good" breakup, and that's because it was about the closest thing to a mutual breakup there is. All the rest had hurt feelings which subsided with time no matter how "nice" the breakup went down. When I was a dumper in my younger days, my goal was to be an ass -- direct, but an ass -- when breaking up because I would rather have the person I dumped thinking I was an awful person instead of thinking that they themselves were awful. I probably wouldn't take that approach now, but that was my logic behind it.

[Simon Phoenix]

Yes, it would be nice...but it isn't a perfect world.

 

If it would be helpful or not depends on the dumpee. I know that in my case I would better understand where the BU was coming from instead seemingly out of nowhere. Now I am left will all these questions with few answers so I have no choice but to get over it regardless of my mind wandering and searching for answers.

 

However, you are correct that to some dumpees it wouldn't matter at all. They would be too caught up in the pain and the loss to understand things logically. Still, it would be nice if the dumper wasn't so hostile.

 

Honestly, even if you did know where it came from, what does that do? It doesn't change anything at all -- if anything, it could cause you more hurt depending on the reason. I mean, odds are that the answers would bring about more questions that you can't answer. And the dumper doesn't want to deal with that. I'm sorry, I think you getting the "answers" would cause you to ask more questions.

 

If you want to think about things logically, then just realize that no matter the reason, the result is still the same. Focus on the result, not the process. Because when it comes to feelings, the process is murky at best.

[Sugarkane]

Honestly, even if you did know where it came from, what does that do? It doesn't change anything at all -- if anything, it could cause you more hurt depending on the reason. I mean, odds are that the answers would bring about more questions that you can't answer. And the dumper doesn't want to deal with that. I'm sorry, I think you getting the "answers" would cause you to ask more questions.

 

If you want to think about things logically, then just realize that no matter the reason, the result is still the same. Focus on the result, not the process. Because when it comes to feelings, the process is murky at best.

 

No but when they hostile to you for no reason, it seems nuts. Especially when you haven't stalked or blew up their phone with messages. Makes me question their headspace.

[Simon Phoenix]

No but when they hostile to you for no reason, it seems nuts. Especially when you haven't stalked or blew up their phone with messages. Makes me question their headspace.

 

Because it is nuts. That's the point of doing it.