How do you walk away from a controlling guy?

[JoL]

Hi everyone. Ive previously posted about my controlling and manipulative boyfriend ( http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t51699/ )..when things are good they are the best..when they are bad, he is verbally abusive, emotionally manipulative and controlling. I dont know how the hell i ended up in such a situation- im not a stupid girl, ive got a loving supportive family, i have always had good relationships with people in the past, i am educated, i am not desperate for attention or love- so why cant i walk away even when i know that during an arguement- he acts in the most unhealthy ways?

 

recently, due to an arguement where he got aggressive and extremely scary (he didnt hit me, but i was scared that he was possibly capable of it at the time)..i told him it was over..he begged and cried and begged for another chance and that he would change everything about himself that i dont like. He swore to the high heavens, on his families life (you get the picture) that he would never hit me or even think about it and how could i think such a thing. He swore to change his ways and i told him that i cant be sure that this is possible as he pretty much loses control when angry and lets loose with verbal abuse..anyway...

 

it has been 2.5 weeks since that happened and i agreed to taking some time out to see if i could get over things, i havent forgiven him or forgotten what happened..

we have seen eachother twice in this time..once we had dinner and yesterday i dropped by to say have a nice trip as he is going away for a wedding.

 

Even during this period he tells me "ive promised, ive sworn to change and if you dont believe me then i know ive been played and you dont believe me or trust me".

Even when he is GUILTY he is trying to emotionally blackmail me!!!!!!

 

Ive thought about getting therapy to help me understand this situation, as i cant seem to get my head around why i cant stand up to this person more. I used to be the one telling girls to get the **** out of relationships that were unhealthy, i dont know if he can change- i think if he got counselling perhaps he could. but then i feel if i asked this of him and things didnt work out he woudl throw it back in my face..

 

why am i still hanging around, i cant understand it..i just cant get my head around it.

[JoL]

P.S. has anyone been in a similar situation before? If so, did you seek out counselling for yourself and did it help you gain strength and understanding about the situation?

[alphamale]

Originally posted by JoL

why am i still hanging around, i cant understand it..i just cant get my head around it.

 

hmmm....this is a typical situation. and some say that women don't like the bad boys

 

You are attracted and attached to him because he bring out emotions in you that other men do not or cannot. He makes you FEEL FEEL FEEL. And women, being emotional and "feelings oriented" creatures tend to get very attached to men who can bring out these things.

 

Fact is, you would not be with him if he did not do something for you in some way.

 

Here is my recommendation: either learn to live with him and the relationship the way it is now (cause he will NEVER, and i mean NEVER change), OR, get out of the relationship and if that take moving far far away then do it.

 

But would you really want him to change? You are attracted to him the way he is now. Just some food for thought.

 

You will not get better advice than this.

[MelodyJ]

Originally posted by JoL

Sorry, Alpha, I have to disagree with the "you won't get better advice than this"! Have you lived with a verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive man?

Well I have. And so have a few others I have read here. I finally walked away after 6 years of it. Best thing I did.

 

JoL; I seriously doubt that you were "attracted" to these horrible character traits. Usually an abuser hides this side of himself, in fact he was probably very charismatic and sweet at first, it's because they know how to play the game, he can convince you he is a good guy, then the real person comes out but by then you are in love. You think it will not happen again, he didn't mean it, and so on ...thats how we justify staying with them, because we know in our hearts we should not be tolerating this and are too smart to be, but there is good in him too, maybe he will change.

He won't. And definitey not in 2.5 weeks!!

 

Counseling is good if he will go, and if you choose to go with him and think there is something there worth the effort, then try it. Definitley get it for yourself regardless to try and undo the emotional damage he has inflicted. And to understand why you have stayed with him and make sure it does not become a pattern for you. Usually we pick another one just like the last. Co-dependants.

 

QUOTE: Even during this period he tells me "ive promised, ive sworn to change and if you dont believe me then i know ive been played and you dont believe me or trust me".

Even when he is GUILTY he is trying to emotionally blackmail me!!!!!!

 

He has been played??? What about you?

Mine did this too. You can't change years of pattern in 2.5 weeks, and for him to think 2 weeks of good behavior is all it takes for you to come back tells you how incredibly selfish he is. Anyone can be on their best behavior for 2 weeks.

If you want to stay with him, I suggest time apart and counseling for both of you, seperate and together. And anger management for him as well. If he won't go (mine would not) then you know how he really feels.

Good luck to you sweetie.

M

[magda]

Usually in that kind of relationship he'll have started eating away at your self-esteem and self-respect long ago. That would explain why he still has a hold on you. What fears inside you does he play upon to keep you there. Maybe you feel stupid? Like you won't find anything better than him? That you don't deserve anything better? That's the sort of thing a controlling and manipulative person will use in a pattern. You've done well to realize it. Call him on his bull****, too. Tell him exactly what you said here, "Why are you trying to make ME feel guilty? I'm the one who got played because all this time I thought I COULD trust you - but you can't even control yourself." and so on. A good offense is the best defense.

 

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/abusefamily.html

[moimeme]

Fact is, you would not be with him if he did not do something for you in some way.

 

Oh ye gods. Got any more myths up your sleeve? Do a little reading on abusive/controlling relationships and their effects on the non-controlling partners.

 

Even during this period he tells me "ive promised, ive sworn to change and if you dont believe me then i know ive been played and you dont believe me or trust me".

Even when he is GUILTY he is trying to emotionally blackmail me!!!!!!

 

This is classic. They swear time and again that *this* time they'll change. But they don't. It's all part of the syndrome. They don't understand their flaws. You can try counselling, but eventually you may have to quit hoping things will change.

 

There's a whole passle of types of 'entrapment' in psychology, but one of the sorts is the sort where you have invested in a relationship and then get into a situation of control or whatever and stay stuck - thinking that the change they waited for will come as soon as they leave. Don't fall into this.

[magda]

Originally posted by moimeme

quote:

Fact is, you would not be with him if he did not do something for you in some way.

 

 

Oh ye gods. Got any more myths up your sleeve? Do a little reading on abusive/controlling relationships and their effects on the non-controlling partners.

He might have been referring to co-dependence.

[Barby]

Originally posted by JoL

P.S. has anyone been in a similar situation before? If so, did you seek out counselling for yourself and did it help you gain strength and understanding about the situation?

 

 

Yes I'm sort of going through the same situation now...

 

i told him it was over..he begged and cried and begged for another chance and that he would change everything about himself that i dont like. He swore to the high heavens, on his families life (you get the picture)

 

I was with my now ex (again) bf of almost 2 years...he was emotionally abusive and controlling at first, then I broke it off, he promised to change and did for awhile..then he went back to the same ole same ole...accusing me of cheating, ect (though I never ever did) then I broke it off again, he and I remained buds and ended up back together....again I ended it before I had surgery (I was sure and ready to be rid of him) and he bugged and cried and guilt tripped me into taking him back once I was home...we lasted two days (he did NOTHING wrong) but I know my heart doesn't feel the same so I had to end it and this time no matter how guilty he makes me feel I will not take him back..

 

I too have a supportive loving family and don't know why I keep going back to him, but I did....

[alphamale]

Originally posted by Ms. M

Originally posted by JoL

Sorry, Alpha, I have to disagree with the "you won't get better advice than this"! Have you lived with a verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive man?

Well I have. And so have a few others I have read here. I finally walked away after 6 years of it. Best thing I did.

 

Ms.M:

 

I told the original poster to either deal with it cause he won't ever change or get out of the relationship.

 

That sounds like good advice to me and is essentially what you told her too. I vote for her hitting the road.

[JoL]

Thanks for your replies everyone.

 

It has gotten to the point now where i am just so ANGRY at myself and at him for all the things he has put me through. i feel sick when i think about the horrible things he has done, in fact i think the thought of him now in general has begun to turn my stomach.

 

I have started to feel i should get nasty and I honestly feel like giving him a taste of his own medicine. he will send me messages saying sweet things and telling me how much he loves me all the time. i cant bring myself to do that anymore as i think to myself "how can you be so sweet and loving and then turn into a monster?"..

 

It is meant to be our one year anniversary tomorrow, he is out of town at a wedding though so i wont be seeing him on the day.

 

i just feel like im stuck in a situation where the side of this person that is good, is the best. and then the ugly side comes out...and i feel like such a fool for believing he will change.

I know a person will not change in 3 weeks. it's not possible.

I am going to present a list of demands to him when he gets back, and if he agrees to the list of things, i will treat him like a schoolkid needing supervision. I honestly just want to make him suffer the consequences of his actions and give him a tiny taste of the way he has treated me.